stopping resentments from forming
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I'm not sure whether or not this sounds like a boundary issue to me. What it sounds like is something I've done a million times, which is expecting another to read my mind and getting irritated at them because they don't. If that is the case for you in this situation, T, maybe to stop the resentment from forming by being VERY clear in your own mind what exactly you want from this guy. At least, that was what I discovered for myself, that I did not have a strong picture of what I wanted. (I tend to pay more attention to what others want from me than I do to what I myself want). I get VERY stressed when someone expresses that they want or need something from me that I am not able to deliver at thatztime (or even just asks me a question I am unable to answer). I can even be mean or abusive responding to the person. It's weird.
Not sure if this is helpful to you but hope you are not too stressed.
Not sure if this is helpful to you but hope you are not too stressed.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 281
Hi Transform,
It sounds like this guy is a real turn-off for you. He's acting all desperate. I went through a similar situation with the 'nice' guy I started seeing. He started saying things like "I love you with all my heart and all my soul" and at the end of a conversation, he'd say "A great big hug and kiss to you". It literally made me dry reech. I told him they were just lines and he sounded like a used car salesman.
He was so despo, he made me feel like I could be anyone...just to fill in his void and I started to resent every text and phone call. It made me want to run and run I did.
We decided to remain friends. I've seen him three times since August. The first time we met for coffee, he said "I could always be your friend with benefits"....eewww. Second time he said "You know, we're going to have to talk about sex.." I said to him "No we're not! That's not going to happen!". He replied with "You're probably right. It would just complicate things". The third time, he came bearing gifts, flowers etc. He tried to hold my hand. I pulled it away. Then he sent me a text saying words to the affect of "I need to know where I stand". I told him it sounded like he's not able to deal with being just friends so, we'd better end it there. I told him I couldn't give him what he needed so, maybe he could start looking for someone who will fulfill those needs. We spoke once after that and he said he felt relieved knowing where he stood. I said to him "I've been telling you the same thing for months!". He said "I know, but I was hoping you'd change your mind.". Anyway, haven't heard anything from him since. He's definately on the hunt for someone else...Yipee! I feel nothing but relief he's gone! Good luck with the 'tall editor'....
It sounds like this guy is a real turn-off for you. He's acting all desperate. I went through a similar situation with the 'nice' guy I started seeing. He started saying things like "I love you with all my heart and all my soul" and at the end of a conversation, he'd say "A great big hug and kiss to you". It literally made me dry reech. I told him they were just lines and he sounded like a used car salesman.
He was so despo, he made me feel like I could be anyone...just to fill in his void and I started to resent every text and phone call. It made me want to run and run I did.
We decided to remain friends. I've seen him three times since August. The first time we met for coffee, he said "I could always be your friend with benefits"....eewww. Second time he said "You know, we're going to have to talk about sex.." I said to him "No we're not! That's not going to happen!". He replied with "You're probably right. It would just complicate things". The third time, he came bearing gifts, flowers etc. He tried to hold my hand. I pulled it away. Then he sent me a text saying words to the affect of "I need to know where I stand". I told him it sounded like he's not able to deal with being just friends so, we'd better end it there. I told him I couldn't give him what he needed so, maybe he could start looking for someone who will fulfill those needs. We spoke once after that and he said he felt relieved knowing where he stood. I said to him "I've been telling you the same thing for months!". He said "I know, but I was hoping you'd change your mind.". Anyway, haven't heard anything from him since. He's definately on the hunt for someone else...Yipee! I feel nothing but relief he's gone! Good luck with the 'tall editor'....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Tell him you are over stretched with business and family, have just come thruf a difficult time, and cannot give a relationship the time and importance it deserves. Suggest that right now you need to be alone and get centred in yourself again, and as he is the man he is, you are sure he will understand your situation.
If he doesn't "understand", try bursting into tears and mumbling, "I can't deal with this anymore",. I bet he flees in fear of being cited for harassment, and you can then do your own thing in peace. Practice defending YOUR boundaries, before you get involved with anything male, other than a blow up doll.
If he doesn't "understand", try bursting into tears and mumbling, "I can't deal with this anymore",. I bet he flees in fear of being cited for harassment, and you can then do your own thing in peace. Practice defending YOUR boundaries, before you get involved with anything male, other than a blow up doll.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thanks everyone. I just got off the phone with him, told him, real nice like because he is a nice guy, that my life just doesn't support a committed relationship right now. He was more than understanding.
That feels better.
L2L This happens to me as well
And also have the "it's weird," reaction to it when I look at it. Glad i"m not alone!
and yes, this was also how I felt
And I loved Jadmacks script, thank you I used it just now on the phone with him.
I think an important piece of this, thanks to TC's recent post, is the euphoria at the beginning of getting to know someone can cloud realistic thinking. I simply don't have time for this right now..
That feels better.
L2L This happens to me as well
I get VERY stressed when someone expresses that they want or need something from me that I am not able to deliver at thatztime (or even just asks me a question I am unable to answer). I can even be mean or abusive responding to the person. It's weird.
and yes, this was also how I felt
He was so despo, he made me feel like I could be anyone...just to fill in his void and I started to resent every text and phone call. It made me want to run and run I did.
I think an important piece of this, thanks to TC's recent post, is the euphoria at the beginning of getting to know someone can cloud realistic thinking. I simply don't have time for this right now..
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Really?!?
yeah, so much for him being more than understanding.
I spoke to him yesterday around noon, but 5pm he sent me a text saying, "Tree is bought, laundry done, just missing you."
Really? WTF?!? I DON'T miss him. I don't KNOW this man. We have no relationship. He is really getting on my nerves. He is invading my space and not respecting my boundary. I told him I dont' have time for a relationship, that it stresses me out when I think about making time to see him. He quickly shushed me and said, "it's ok, I understand."
Why, then, is he sending me this ****!?!
I spoke to him yesterday around noon, but 5pm he sent me a text saying, "Tree is bought, laundry done, just missing you."
Really? WTF?!? I DON'T miss him. I don't KNOW this man. We have no relationship. He is really getting on my nerves. He is invading my space and not respecting my boundary. I told him I dont' have time for a relationship, that it stresses me out when I think about making time to see him. He quickly shushed me and said, "it's ok, I understand."
Why, then, is he sending me this ****!?!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
Some people need a little more blunt statement. I know you don't want to be rude to him, but he's obviously not getting the message. I suggest sending him this message...
Really? WTF?!? I DON'T miss you. I don't KNOW you. We have no relationship. You are really getting on my nerves. You are invading my space and not respecting my boundary.
Really? WTF?!? I DON'T miss you. I don't KNOW you. We have no relationship. You are really getting on my nerves. You are invading my space and not respecting my boundary.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ah yes of course its a "high", then the ugly truths start revealing...!
Remember, men just disappear without a backward glance.
That's not true! Some men mourn relations just like anyone else, sometimes for a long long time. Those are really nice people that actually cared about the woman and took her seriously though...
He seriously needs the inflatable! LOL
Perhaps just ignore his messages from now on, take a deep breath and keep on? when you are less stressed perhaps you can find how you feel about the guy and answer the messages, or not...
I also become very hostile when stressed, when every minute counts! glad to know I am not the only one either!
Remember, men just disappear without a backward glance.
That's not true! Some men mourn relations just like anyone else, sometimes for a long long time. Those are really nice people that actually cared about the woman and took her seriously though...
He seriously needs the inflatable! LOL
Perhaps just ignore his messages from now on, take a deep breath and keep on? when you are less stressed perhaps you can find how you feel about the guy and answer the messages, or not...
I also become very hostile when stressed, when every minute counts! glad to know I am not the only one either!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
The scary part is that, in the past I WOULD have texted him those words Suki! I'm a recovering rage-aholic.
And I dont' want to be rude, but I think the bigger question here is why do I doubt myself, my boundaries and vaccilate from being overly cautious to raging? Ugh.
I am going to ignore him. I freaking TOLD him that this stresses me out.
And I dont' want to be rude, but I think the bigger question here is why do I doubt myself, my boundaries and vaccilate from being overly cautious to raging? Ugh.
I am going to ignore him. I freaking TOLD him that this stresses me out.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Keep breathing transformie!! SQUARE breaths!! I hope he gets the message once you stop answering at ALL. Its rude and selfish to bug someone who is juggling too many things already. As if his desires were all that mattered in the world. Sheesh.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
transformie,
the point is, i realized later that night, that i wasn't upset anymore. at all.
i realized that when you state your feelings about something, and your words are listened to and respected, that much of those bad feelings dissapate.
the point is, i realized later that night, that i wasn't upset anymore. at all.
i realized that when you state your feelings about something, and your words are listened to and respected, that much of those bad feelings dissapate.
Yeah, that. Can't wait to be there!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
