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looking for help and ongoing support...

Old 12-03-2010, 08:33 AM
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looking for help and ongoing support...

Hi everyone,

Sorry I've been absent. You all helped me so much through a difficult time.

I don't know if anyone has answers, but here goes. I left alkie partner and could really use ongoing help and support. I try to stay busy but I'm so lonely and distressed on the weekends and at night. NHS says I might get a counsellor in several months but ya know, sometmes I don't think I'll last that long.

Here's the deal: I've tried Al-Anon and it does not work for me. I have a problem with its premise and I find it has too many similarities to a cult for me to feel comfortable with them.

What would you recommend? I just need another person to talk to, to help me through this...
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Old 12-03-2010, 08:35 AM
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Keep posting here, for one thing.
Glad to see you back.
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Old 12-03-2010, 09:26 AM
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akrasia...I was wondering what happened to you. I'm so glad you decided to come back to SR for support. Honestly, in some instances, SR was better for me than Al-Anon. I also used the online meetings, either here or on another site, to get some support. It felt good to "share" in the chat rooms.

Also, I don't know where you live, but is it possible to use the services of a social worker until you can get counselling started up? I found very awesome and down to each advice/support from social workers working at a local health clinic.

In the meantime though, can you share with us here about what's been happening in your life lately?

sending you virtual hugs from Montreal
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Old 12-03-2010, 09:26 AM
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Hang out here all you want.

There are other areas of this website to explore, even an arcade (look in the blue ribbon at the top of this screen - just below your screen name).

Sometimes I like to read the jokes posted on the follies section:

Recovery Follies - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Chat is also an option here at SR for instant feedback.
Posting a message here in F&F to let others know that you will be in the Alanon Chat Room, may bring instant conversation to your screen.

Saturday night, our friend Kassie2 hosts an online Alanon type meeting that is followed by open discussion.

Another active thread is the Daily Codependency Thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-16-a.html
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Old 12-04-2010, 05:42 AM
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I found a great counselor to help me work through the rough spots. I found SR and posted my fingers off. I painted my entire house... and that was a piece of work! LOL!!

You'll be all right, it just takes some time.
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Old 12-04-2010, 08:31 AM
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welcome back akrasia-

as for the NHS, i kept calling the psych department and pleading. that worked for me.

if you have money, you could always go private until the NHS can take you.
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Old 12-04-2010, 10:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Jazzman View Post
I painted my entire house... and that was a piece of work! LOL!!
funny, I am doing the same thing RIGHT now, painting, with the MUSIC in the back ground...
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Old 12-05-2010, 05:44 AM
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Hi Akrasia.

Welcome back. I understand how you're feeling. Keep coming back here if it helps you. Even though I'm not on here every day, when I am, I get a lot out of the ESH of others.

I've attended Al-Anon and even though I value it, I found myself dragging my feet to get there. I started thinking that I didn't want help learning how to deal with the alkies in my life. I wanted a program where I was the focus. I didn't want to learn how to detach from them, I wanted to get better. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin. I needed to learn how to love and accept myself. I went to AA and got so much more out of it. I felt like it had more meat and I related so much better to it. The right fit for me, I believe, would be and Adult Child of Alcoholics meeting, but we don't have any here. So, I come to SR and I'm just about to start seeing a counsellor again. All the best Akrasia. Remember, recovery is a process, not an event...one day at a time.
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Old 12-05-2010, 02:25 PM
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Hi Akrasia,

I also couldn't get into Al-anon after giving it the ol college try. I've also toyed with the idea of writing the SR folks to see if they'd be willing to start a section for folks like us but haven't gotten that far. Not to disparage Al-anon since it does work for many but to provide an alternative level of support. (I'm thinking outloud here).

Anyway, sit down and stay a while!! bb
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Old 12-05-2010, 02:35 PM
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I learned enough of al-anon from here to make my changes.

not EVEN saying that it's ineffective - it's just how it worked for me.

You're right to be filling the empty feeling space.
And you're right too
that if you feel you're going to go back if you don't get some f2F support,
you may well do exactly that.

SR helped me in so many ways
but in my case,
it was as an addition to, an accompaniement to,

my time spent earning the steps in AA.
I simply applied what was posted here,
and made the appropriate substitutions in my head
to relationships...

but when I needed to be around other people -

that's when it's time to volunteer,
get busy do something for somebody else stuff.

go to alanon even if you DON"T like them -
it's a place where there's others like yourself.

sometimes we have to look past what we think we can GET...
and trust that we all have something we can GIVE.

it makes all the difference.

As a person thinketh....
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Old 12-05-2010, 03:55 PM
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Hey! Welcome back!

Do you have kids? If not, your situation is my dream, really. If I didn't have kids and had just dumped an A boyfriend, I would be partying my a$$ off. Going to the movies,doing all the things I love to do, hanging out with girlfriends, finding adventures, going to yoga. Taking time to do all the things I can't do because I'm tied down with kids or obsessed about a relationship.

One thing I've learned is that when I'm feeling depressed about a break up it's really important to let the people who love me do so. Spend time with folks that adore me, and not for any other reason other than they love me, understand me and accept me for who I am. That's really healing.

It's an investment of time, nurturing my relationship with myself and other- but building up those lifelines to others who dont' treat me like crap on the bottom of their shoes is really worth it.

I'm glad you're back. Stick around and lets see what we can do here!
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Old 12-05-2010, 04:13 PM
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Hey there abraska,
I asked my GP to recommend a private counsellor; he couldn't come up with one, but he did point me to the local Alcohol and Drugs Team, I think most PCTs have one. google "your area or nearest town/city alcohol and drugs team" and a contact list may come up.

I rang them, they had a families support group which unfortunately had a horrible timing clash which meant I couldn't attend BUT, they did give me a list of local counsellers who had some experience with families of addicted people. Maybe one of these avenues could help you to get through the time til the NHS can help? Mental Health services are often very over-stretched, so a wait is par for the course. Most private therapists on the list offered a sliding scale of payments if money is tight. I also eeked my appointments out when I had to, but I found a great counseller, really brilliant.

I don't know if this is the sort of thing that worries you, but most I could also email first to find out about charges and what experience they had, which offered me a "soft" approach.

and come here, as often as you need to, we all need each other ((hugs))
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Old 12-05-2010, 04:17 PM
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I also found it better to try not to stare into the distance, thinking I've got to hold out <<<<<<<<<<<this long>>>>>>>>>>>>>> til help comes.

We only have to get through right now, just this moment, we can worry about the future when it gets here. We can do that. Together if necessary.
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Old 12-07-2010, 06:51 PM
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Hi Akrasia,

I, too, just came back after a little hiatus from here, looking for support. I thought of you a lot during this last two months, watching some of the same things you had described. I'm still attending Al-anon meetings at different times and locations to get my niche. I'm glad you posted this question, as it was also on my mind.

Gentle hugs and empathy....signed, skipper
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Old 01-20-2011, 11:50 PM
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I have had many difficulties relating to Al-anon and have wondered if there were other recourses to offer me help for myself and also to help me know how to best support my recovering alcoholic husband.

There are times that I feel that Al-anon is causing co-dependant behavior to continue and can seem contradictory. I know this has helped many people and I am not trying to be disrespectful of Al-anon and if it works for someone I think that is great.

I was just wondering if there are other resources for the family of recovering alcoholics.
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Old 01-21-2011, 08:22 AM
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Everyone's recovery is different, and what works for one person may not work for another.

Right now I am feeling that AlAnon is not helping me as much as it did in the past. I intend to continue with my Tuesday meetings until we complete all 12 steps this year, and then re-evaluate where I stand and whether I feel I need to keep going once a week or only once in awhile.

There's the forum here, including the chats that have become more popular/common now.
There's books on the subject you can purchase or borrow from the library.
There's the meetings like AlAnon, etc.

The only thing that really matters is that you have a program that works for you. It could be something that nobody else in the world does, but it has to work for you.
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Old 01-21-2011, 08:52 AM
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I had problems with a couple of Alanon meetings....one too casual, one too structured....but now have found one which is a good balance for me. I have been around recovery "rooms".....20 yrs. and still skip around to try new meetings and get new/different wisdom. Same for me on this website some I "take" and I "leave" some of the rest. Both have helped me so much. Recently someone shared they had difficulty with the higher power concept in the fellowships. She began to think of a higher power as a math equation. She alone was 1x =power.....talking to someone 1 on 1 was 2x =twice the power.....a group was lots x=lots of power. That is why a group or website works for me......group= more x power.
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Old 01-21-2011, 09:06 AM
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I found a therapist that had a lot of understanding of addiction and people affected by a loved one's addiction. I went on my own.

I went to alanon for a brief period, but there are limited groups in my area, they were lovely people, but it wasn't really helping me go forward so I stopped. The counsellor really worked well for me.

I keep thinking about going back to al-anon and seeing how I feel about it now that I am not conflicted about whether to leave him or not (we're getting divorced). Now that I am in a better place emotionally, I would not feel like they were another group I had to wear a mask for/behave in a certain way for (which I did feel when I first tried - all down to me, not them) but I haven't prioritised it as yet, so we'll see.
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Old 01-21-2011, 11:08 AM
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Welcome back and keep on posting.
I don't want to go to al-anon either so I simply come here and post and read, etc.
I also see a therapist and she helps me keep my questions clear. She's a sounding board and advocate for my emotions and a coach to help me deal with things differently.

Do you have some hobbies that you'd like to pick back up or learn something new? Engaging your creative side is very therapeutic. At least for me.
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Old 01-21-2011, 10:19 PM
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Please continue to come to this forum. We gots lots o' good folks here that will hold your hand.

I have had mixed feelings about Al-anon - as far as how truly helpful it is (for me).
One day I realized that I wasn't getting as much "program" stuff as I had wanted, but I did want to be around people in the recovery community.

So I kept going, every once in awhile.

One day I realized that what I wanted was some friends from the recovery community. I tried to go outside my comfort zone and say hi and go for coffee every so often. It was uncomfortable to say the least.

One day I got a smile and hug from my fave person at the meeting.

One day I gave the talk at the meeting. The weirdest thing happened; I got applauded afterwards.

People started smiling, saying "hi christine" and acting like maybe they kinda liked me.

Today, I walk in that room and feel like I belong. I know people names, and they know mine. Last month, I recieved my very first medallion, after having gone intermittently for 15 years

The great thing about it, is you get to take what you want, and leave the rest.
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