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No Contact failure spells disaster - and possible wedding?!

Old 12-02-2010, 06:44 AM
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No Contact failure spells disaster - and possible wedding?!

Ugh. I know, I know, He kept contacting me, then he started saying he wanted to move back to the UK to be with me even though he just left here saying he hates it and wouldnt never come back.

Seems like a month in the Canadian winter with nothing but booze coke and weed for company isn't as fun as he thought it would be.

After he left we were meant to have a month to "think about things". After 2 weeks of him messaging me drunk, hungover, bored, broke and drunk again I started to wonder if I was mad to consider leaving everything and everyone I know to go and live with him.

Funny, considering that all the doubts in the relationship had come from him, that because I didn't want to drink and do drugs anymore that there was a huge gap between us. Nevermind that I still loved dancing, laughing and got him home to puke at the end of the party.

A few weeks back a guy I met while out with friends showed me attention and made me feel special, said he wanted to cook for me. I told EXABF that I was done with him doing nothing but moan and that clearly he had no intention of making a life for us out there and that I wouldn't be coming. I was honest when he asked if I was dating. A week later he asks what happened with the guy, again I am honest and say that I had sex with him.

The new guy made me feel good and held me all night and wants to see me again, he made me feel special. I know it was fast and that I need to be on my own so I am giving myself space to do that and haven't seen him.

I told EXABF this, that it was too soon for me and didn't make me feel good but that I haven't broken any commitment with him, I had told him I wasn't coming.

Pretty soon after finding this out EXABF decides that he should come back here, the only way of doing so would mean that we get married as his visa runs out soon. He said it was alot to take in but he doesn't blame me and he hates his life in Canada and that people there aren't good for him. I told him that he will feel the same everywhere he goes and that the novelty of me will wear off, but he was adamant that he knew now what he wanted which was me and should never have doubted me and rejected me like he did. That he wants a family with me and is ready to settle down grow up and stop living so wastefully.

I actually started to believe this and kept telling myself "do not believe this" but still started to feel hope, the most useless of feelings when it comes to our men/women.

Now one week later he is giving me SO much grief about this other guy, how can he be expected to come all of this way when I have done this, how I always seem to want to flaunt myself (I was faithful to him throughout our 2 year relationship). How the clothes I wear are too revealing (he always told me I looked good). How he is convinced that my bikini top coming loose at the bottom of a water slide was deliberate (with kids everywhere- yup). It goes on and on. He was up at 6am again playing video games all night and then comes online to message me at my work desk and give me all this ********.

I pointed out to him that I actually was doing OK until he started talking about coming back here and I actually dread the prospect of that happening if this is how it is going to be. I told him to leave me alone and work on his **** by himself cos venting in my direction wont help him.

I don't know what I wanted to achieve by writing this, just to get it out I guess. Feels better. I am so disapointed. I am sure people here understand.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 12-02-2010, 06:50 AM
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Sounds like you're playing the "push/pull" game with him.
Your best bet is to keep the focus on you and work on yourself and your self worth.
He's manipulting you because he knows you will take him back

and P.S, canadian winters are no worse than winters in the UK ;-)
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Old 12-02-2010, 06:52 AM
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They are if you're in Manitoba!
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Old 12-02-2010, 09:04 AM
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Hi SereniTee

The last boyfriend I had , while I was breaking up with him, was also talking about MARRIAGE. DUH. They seem to think once we are married we will put up with BS.

Go no contact. Funnily the last boyfriend also said ALL people sucked and were dumb manipulators and yadda yadda, well it is because he IS one and he finds similar people. He has lived here all his life, I have been here 2 years and have found people willing to help me and that have a good heart. So anyway, go no contact, wear whatever you wish, go out with whoever you wish (with caution). And be grateful you are not going to be manipulated into marriage just so someone else feels better about himself having an encaged pet at home to abuse. (Sorry if this sounded harsh)
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Old 12-02-2010, 11:04 AM
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hi serenite-

reality check! if you marry him and he's an addict, you will be legally responsible for his bills. and in my experience, addicts are not very financially responsible.

think it all the way thru.
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Old 12-02-2010, 11:45 AM
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Listen to your good sense. He's BSing you and hasn't got your best interests at heart. I'd run now and keep on running. Take care of yourself.
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Old 12-02-2010, 03:58 PM
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SereniTee, Hope you can use this!************
Email it to your exabf! (LOL)
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Old 12-02-2010, 05:21 PM
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Holy Smokes, he is really trying to manipulate you. How about going no contact?
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Old 12-02-2010, 07:59 PM
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Heard of "dog in the manger" Syndrome? That's where someone doesn't really want YOU, but won't let anyone else around either.

Tell him straight out, that you do NOT want him around, you are through and over it, and tell him NO more contact from him as you will not reply.



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Old 12-03-2010, 07:58 AM
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Hey Serenitee!

I hate it that you are in this situation! My observation is that this guy needs to grow up and just leave you alone. What would you tell a girlfriend, sister, or another loved one if she told you this story? I suspect you'd tell her to get rid of the chump once and for all.

You have done an AMAZING AND VERY BRAVE thing by taking your life back and listening to your HP. You have done what is best for you and you have given yourself an amazing gift by doing so. Give yourself time to process the feelings that are swirling around in your head- as you know, that may take a day or two, a week, a month- just don't rush it. I believe we all have the answers in our heart, we just have to be honest and truthful with ourselves before we find the answer. Sometimes that is REALLY, REALLY hard.

I think it is safe to say, by reading these forums and other literature about alcoholism, that the problems that you dealt with the XABF have not gone away, and probably never will (given the statistics of recovery vs. active addiction).

Keep your chin up, sweetie! This too shall pass!! You are a strong woman and you don't need to carry around the emotional deadweight of your XABF.

Said with lots of love and support,
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Old 12-03-2010, 08:12 AM
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Thanks everyone I really need to concentrate on this and not defer from my own recovery. I am going to my 1st alanon meeting on Tues I think my AA friends have heard enough Codie stuff now - I haven't mentioned my own drinking at my AA meetings for weeks!

Thank you again for your words of support and REALITY!
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Old 12-03-2010, 08:46 AM
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Originally Posted by SereniTee View Post
I am going to my 1st alanon meeting on Tues
Good for you!
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Old 12-03-2010, 10:24 AM
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Going No contact is good for the skin and overall health. I have also lost weight.

Yesterday I met a really HANDSOME coworker that is also very very kind and a GENTLEMAN. Nice guys exist and are out there and I hope you give yourself the chance to meet them and share good moments with healthier people . But you do that by getting there yourself first. Keep moving forward!!


BTW I also got a XABF, I went NC 2 years ago and guess what? he has been drinking the same way all this time and still sees no issues! (at least not for him) LOL! its not worth your time or effort and even more so when he is also taking drugs as well. That is lack of self esteem and comes from many many years ago for him, since childhood or even way before that, according to his family history etc etc... YOU, SereniTee, are not going to "fix" any of that magically.

And perhaps if he loses you it motivates him to get better.
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