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No Contact failiure spells disater - and possible wedding?!

Old 12-02-2010, 07:43 AM
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No Contact failiure spells disater - and possible wedding?!

Ugh. I know, I know, He kept contacting me, then he started saying he wanted to move back to the UK to be with me even though he just left here saying he hates it and wouldnt never come back.

Seems like a month in the Canadian winter with nothing but booze coke and weed for company isn't as fun as he thought it would be.

After he left we were meant to have a month to "think about things". After 2 weeks of him messaging me drunk, hungover, bored, broke and drunk again I started to wonder if I was mad to consider leaving everything and everyone I know to go and live with him.

Funny, considering that all the doubts in the relationship had come from him, that because I didn't want to drink and do drugs anymore that there was a huge gap between us. Nevermind that I still loved dancing, laughing and got him home to puke at the end of the party.

A few weeks back a guy I met while out with friends showed me attention and made me feel special, said he wanted to cook for me. I told EXABF that I was done with him doing nothing but moan and that clearly he had no intention of making a life for us out there and that I wouldn't be coming. I was honest when he asked if I was dating. A week later he asks what happened with the guy, again I am honest and say that I had sex with him.

The new guy made me feel good and held me all night and wants to see me again, he made me feel special. I know it was fast and that I need to be on my own so I am giving myself space to do that and haven't seen him.

I told EXABF this, that it was too soon for me and didn't make me feel good but that I haven't broken any commitment with him, I had told him I wasn't coming.

Pretty soon after finding this out EXABF decides that he should come back here, the only way of doing so would mean that we get married as his visa runs out soon. He said it was alot to take in but he doesn't blame me and he hates his life in Canada and that people there aren't good for him. I told him that he will feel the same everywhere he goes and that the novelty of me will wear off, but he was adamant that he knew now what he wanted which was me and should never have doubted me and rejected me like he did. That he wants a family with me and is ready to settle down grow up and stop living so wastefully.

I actually started to believe this and kept telling myself "do not believe this" but still started to feel hope, the most useless of feelings when it comes to our men/women.

Now one week later he is giving me SO much grief about this other guy, how can he be expected to come all of this way when I have done this, how I always seem to want to flaunt myself (I was faithful to him throughout our 2 year relationship). How the clothes I wear are too revealing (he always told me I looked good). How he is convinced that my bikini top coming loose at the bottom of a water slide was deliberate (with kids everywhere- yup). It goes on and on. He was up at 6am again playing video games all night and then comes online to message me at my work desk and give me all this ********.

I pointed out to him that I actually was doing OK until he started talking about coming back here and I actually dread the prospect of that happening if this is how it is going to be. I told him to leave me alone and work on his **** by himself cos venting in my direction wont help him.

I don't know what I wanted to achieve by writing this, just to get it out I guess. Feels better. I am so disapointed. I am sure people here understand.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 12-02-2010, 07:51 AM
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Old 12-02-2010, 07:52 AM
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oh wow. Um, ok. Can I ask you what you get out of talking to this person, who is showing some dangerous controlling traits, even from at a distance?

The schpiel about you flaunting yourself, wearing revealing clothing, etc, is a HUGE. RED. FLAG. If you think things are uncomfortable now, I'd venture to say that things will get much worse if you allow this man to come back into your life and to convince you to marry him. He'll soon be "punishing" you for hurting him and for "acting inappropriately".

Ask me how I know? I was married to a controlling and abusive man for a few years. Every single male I came in contact with was subject to his out of control jealousy. Anything I did somehow got turned into something I supposedly did to "hurt" him, and so I had to pay.

My suggestion:
Turn off the darn messenger at work.
Stop taking his calls
Block his emails

It's time to stop coddling this grown man from a continent away. Let him face the consequences of his addiction on his own.

To be honest, I don't see what you're getting out of having continued contact with him. Perhaps it's a fear of being seen as "the bad guy" for cutting him off, and I fully understand that emotion. However, I see a big bear trap ahead of you and it'll be a ridiculous pain in the rear end to get free once you step in willingly.
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