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Currently Lost.....

Old 12-01-2010, 04:30 PM
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Unhappy Currently Lost.....

4 1/2 year relationship with an alcholic. It has been exhausting! Countless fights; verbal abuse; has had three jobs in the 4 1/2 years; several different psychiatrist; countless researching of AA meetings that he would never intend on attending anyway; and now he has just finished his THIRD stint in rehab in 4 1/2 years and is currently in a sober living house.

32 days today he has been sober THIS time and I wonder if I am a fool for being patient and waiting THIS time.

Somewhere in the last 4 1/2 years I lost myself trying to keep him from destroying himself. I finally cracked down and kicked him out of our home. I would have thought it would have been a humbling experience for him as he prides himself of his education, job and appearance; but it did not matter.

He was living in a motel 6 room not too far from his job so that he could walk to work. He called me daily begging me to let him come back home, that this time he learned his lesson and swore he would go to meetings and get sober.

I am not sure what it was or if the 4 years prior finally took its toll on me, and as much as it hurt inside I would not let him.

He called me 32 days ago to take him to rehab. I did, b*tched at him the whole time and left him there. I remember driving away and looking at how lost and alone he was. I felt awful, but for some reason I felt that if I babied him through this one that it would be like the other two times.

Words cannot describe how bad I felt, heck how bad I feel at this moment thinking about how mean I feel I was towards him and how maybe I should have stayed with him until he got checked in.

I'm lost. I am torn between wanting him to stay sober, and wanting him to come back home as the person I know he is and have longed for.

I see him every morning for about 30 minutes and we talk on the phone or through emails throughout the day and night, but for some reason I just feel alone, lost and full of pain/regret, oh heck I have no clue what I am feelling except sad and lost. Might as well add lonely to this too.

I want to be patient for him, but at the same time I want the other half of US back. I know that it does no good to have the other half if he will just get drunk again, and I guess this is my issue as well.

He came home for a few hours a couple of days ago and everything was going well. Tonight he told me that when he was over and I was laying down on the bed, he went into the kitchen and the first thing he looked for was a bottle of vodka.

he drinks beer, but if he does not have beer he would drink the vodka that I would hide in the house. I do not drink often, maybe 2-3 times every 3-4 months. I thought I was hiding them well until I came home one day and he had downed two bottles in less than 12 hours.

Needless to say I do not keep anything in the house anymore. I do not drink often and he did not need to have it readily accessible.

I am lost as to what a difference of living in a sober house for 60-90-120 days can make on having that urge to drink. This is not me trying to rush him back home, I guess I am just trying to figure out how to deal with him when he comes home for a day and understand why the urge is there at home where there is no alcohol versus at a sober house where there is no alcohol.
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Old 12-01-2010, 04:53 PM
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Welcome, lots of great people here.

If he is still drinking he is not in recovery. He is living in a sober recovery house and sneaking drinks when he is out and about, he is trying to fool you and himself. He will either be in recovery or not. Right now he just going through the motions.

Sorry but I would not bring him back to your home anytime soon.
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Old 12-01-2010, 05:00 PM
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And herein lies the problem...

...in my opinion the problem for most of us who love alcoholics is this gigantically false premise: "...wanting him to come back home as the person I know he is and have longed for."

What I learned over the course of ten years of evidence I continually ignored is this-- my wife IS NOT the person "I know she is and I have longed for," she is an alcoholic. That's what she is. Sharks bite, bees sting, thieves steal, and alcoholics do all the things that alcoholics do until they either die or fully engage over a long period of time in active recovery (and even then it truly is one day at a time).

The only solution for me, and it did not make my life perfect, only better, was to begin regularly attending Al-Anon meetings. It can do the same for you. Go to six or more different meetings before deciding if it will work for you. Here's a gift if you live in the US: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

Good luck,

Cyranoak





Originally Posted by PlatosIrony View Post
4 1/2 year relationship with an alcholic. It has been exhausting! Countless fights; verbal abuse; has had three jobs in the 4 1/2 years; several different psychiatrist; countless researching of AA meetings that he would never intend on attending anyway; and now he has just finished his THIRD stint in rehab in 4 1/2 years and is currently in a sober living house.

32 days today he has been sober THIS time and I wonder if I am a fool for being patient and waiting THIS time.

Somewhere in the last 4 1/2 years I lost myself trying to keep him from destroying himself. I finally cracked down and kicked him out of our home. I would have thought it would have been a humbling experience for him as he prides himself of his education, job and appearance; but it did not matter.

He was living in a motel 6 room not too far from his job so that he could walk to work. He called me daily begging me to let him come back home, that this time he learned his lesson and swore he would go to meetings and get sober.

I am not sure what it was or if the 4 years prior finally took its toll on me, and as much as it hurt inside I would not let him.

He called me 32 days ago to take him to rehab. I did, b*tched at him the whole time and left him there. I remember driving away and looking at how lost and alone he was. I felt awful, but for some reason I felt that if I babied him through this one that it would be like the other two times.

Words cannot describe how bad I felt, heck how bad I feel at this moment thinking about how mean I feel I was towards him and how maybe I should have stayed with him until he got checked in.

I'm lost. I am torn between wanting him to stay sober, and wanting him to come back home as the person I know he is and have longed for.

I see him every morning for about 30 minutes and we talk on the phone or through emails throughout the day and night, but for some reason I just feel alone, lost and full of pain/regret, oh heck I have no clue what I am feelling except sad and lost. Might as well add lonely to this too.

I want to be patient for him, but at the same time I want the other half of US back. I know that it does no good to have the other half if he will just get drunk again, and I guess this is my issue as well.

He came home for a few hours a couple of days ago and everything was going well. Tonight he told me that when he was over and I was laying down on the bed, he went into the kitchen and the first thing he looked for was a bottle of vodka.

he drinks beer, but if he does not have beer he would drink the vodka that I would hide in the house. I do not drink often, maybe 2-3 times every 3-4 months. I thought I was hiding them well until I came home one day and he had downed two bottles in less than 12 hours.

Needless to say I do not keep anything in the house anymore. I do not drink often and he did not need to have it readily accessible.

I am lost as to what a difference of living in a sober house for 60-90-120 days can make on having that urge to drink. This is not me trying to rush him back home, I guess I am just trying to figure out how to deal with him when he comes home for a day and understand why the urge is there at home where there is no alcohol versus at a sober house where there is no alcohol.
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Old 12-01-2010, 05:55 PM
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A leopard doesn't change his/her spots. Alcoholics only care about ONE thing: alcohol. They have enormous egos, low self esteem, grandiosity, self-will and are self-centered in the extreme. An alcoholic will pull you down to his/her level and wreck your life.

How do I know? I'm an alcoholic, although one with 19+ years of recovery. Yes, we do change and grow but it takes an incredible amount of effort and a long time -- after we put down the bottle. Should you bet your life on this person? No. In the meantime a very good program for you is Al-anon.
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Old 12-02-2010, 07:42 AM
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How are you today PlatosIrony?
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Old 12-02-2010, 09:16 AM
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Red face

Noday-thanks a million for asking. I am better today than I was yesterday, and yesterday was better than the day before.

I attended my first Al-Anon meeting last night. While I knew that other people who would be attending have walked the same path I currently am, it was still a huge relief to be around others who have been there, done that and some a couple of times.

I realized that over the past year I went through my anger phase; oh heck I was raving mad most of the time. It did not take much to irriate me, which I feel was what finally gave me the push to make him leave. Of course this came after almost 2 years of me feeling like it was my fault or that I wasnt doing enough or that I was failing because I couldn't help him get better.

I still feel bad for making him leave, bring him back and then making him leave again. I did not bail him out of jail when he got caught stealing, of course he was drunk when it happened. I did, however call his boss for him and lie on his behalf. While I did not want to cover for him, I would have hated to see him lose the job he has. Clearly if I had, maybe he would have gotten this third round of help back in April instead of November.

Hindsight is 20/20 and clearly no need to delve in it-can't change it!

I am greatful that he made it through rehab and is finally listening to the professional this time; but more so I am greatful that I am seeking the help that I need.

It is quite perplexing to find that you are the one who needs help just as much as the alcoholic. For 2 years I kidded myself that I did not need the help. I mean, why I am not the drunk-he is.

But, the more I opened up--I am not shy so me talking last night was not an issue--the better I felt. I went ahead and made an appointment to see a psychiatrist today to hopefully resolve whatever internal conflict I am dealing with; or better yet NOT dealing with.

He and I had a long talk yesterday and while he has been sober for 33 days today, he has stated that he needs a couple of more months in the sober house and then of course it is a day-by-day journey for him. My issue is the patience. I have acquired so much over the past 10 years, but apparently I need to acquire a lot more. I suppose I am being selfish, and if he wasnt there when he was drunk, then what the heck is a few more months?

I want to thank those of you who posted to my response last night as your responses were both welcome and needed! I look forward to posting a lot more as I personally feel better when I talk about the issues at hand rather than just sitting and dwelling on them. This has only made the issue worse for me.
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Old 12-02-2010, 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by PlatosIrony View Post
My issue is the patience. I have acquired so much over the past 10 years, but apparently I need to acquire a lot more. I suppose I am being selfish
Hold the phone sister...let's all come to a screeching halt. I know it's a very bad habit of mine to dub "selfish" and "self-centered" any effort of my very conscious mind to express the need to be loved, respected and equally partnered. Please try to be gentle with yourself PlatosIrony...you've been on a heck of a rollercoaster ride for the past 4 years. IMO it's only normal (albeit unrealistic) to want a change immediately (and it's also ok to say "nope, I've had enough").

Your partner is being honest about wanting time and space to focus on his recovery, but I think he's falsely convinced that a few months of sobriety will make thing ok, and somehow erase the abuse he subjected you to. Recovery, both for you and he, is a life long journey. I strongly suggest that he have a solid year of recovery, supported by a sponsor, regular AA meetings and counselling, before you even consider discussing the state of your relationship with him. So much can happen in that first year...

For now, you can focus on lovely little *you*. What do you want out of life? What are your dreams? Where do you see yourself in a year, in 5 years? How do you plan on getting there?

Keep posting
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Old 12-02-2010, 08:26 PM
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Totally agree with everything Noday says, so will save my breath repeating it.

Take this time to care, work on and pamper yourself.....and patience is in short supply when having lived with alcoholic chaos in our life. I found counting to 10 was useless, heck....I have counted up to 200 and still been feeling homicidal.
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