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He made his choice, but it still hurts

Old 02-19-2011, 08:52 PM
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I did weigh my decision very carefully and I did take him back. I told him that he had to show me this time that he really meant what he said. I love him too much to watch him hit rock bottom and lose everything. I think everyone and every situation is different. I can't say that he only has one chance and if he screws up; that's it for me. I did, however, tell him that it's like playing Russian roulette. Each time he will be taking a chance that it's the one that will kill our relationship. So far, so good. He's going to meetings and 16 days sober. It's a start. I don't know where the future will take us but I am grateful for one day at a time. Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. Peace.
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Old 02-19-2011, 09:58 PM
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I am hopeful that you made the right decision, that he remains sober one day at a time and that you will have an honest, trusting relationship. Every story of reconciliation gives me hope that my husband will come to some clarity about what he is dong with his life and choses sobriety over beer. Once he does that perhaps we can work on rebuilding our relationship. I told him once that I did not think our relationship could ever be so broken that we could not rebuild the bonds of trust and friendship that brought us together in the first place. But I have to say that your comment about loving him too much to let him hit rock bottom and lose everything bothered me. It is the hardest thing I think a person ever has to do but as long as you are not willing to let him lose everything, you will be an enabler. I'm afraid that even though you sound strong now about what you are willing to put up with and what you are not, the line will blur and move as time goes on. Pretty soon you will find your way losing yourself in an effort to help him. That is just my opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest. But knowing he is currently in recovery is reason to rejoice. You should seek out Al Anon and stay close to this board because recovery does not just mean not drinking. Get as much support for yourself as you need.
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Old 02-27-2011, 08:00 PM
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Thanks. My lines will not blur. This is something that I cannot accept and I think he gets that now. Am I scared? Hell yeah! But my expectations are very low at this point. If he stays sober then that is great, but I am prepared to walk away if he does not honor his committment. This will be much easier if he makes me look like a fool for trusting him again. Who knows? Maybe I will get the happily ever after? I guess only time will tell. In the meantime, I'm moving forward. I'm taking classes at the local college and feeling good about myself. I'm just sorry that anyone ever has to go through this.
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:34 PM
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Well, sad to say that I'm back. Everyone was right. It's never going to happen. I refused to believe it. Me, forever the optimist. He continues to lie and then make me feel like I'm stupid and imagining things. Like the whiskey on his breath? Or maybe the droopy eyelids? The over-pronunciation of words in his attempt not to slur? The only thing I was imagining was that I could have a "happily ever after" with this man. At one point he said he had 3 months sober. I can't believe anything that he says anymore. I don't even believe that he went to any meetings to be truthful. He told me once that he had 13 years. Not sure I even believe that anymore. It still hurts. I'm not dumb. lol A lot smarter than he gave me credit for obviously. Still can't wrap my mind around the fact that he chose a life of emptiness over what we had. You know what? I was a freakin awesome girlfriend to him. Probably the best thing that ever happened to him. I bought him a puppy for heaven's sake! C'mon! Went to all his baseball games, even joined a stupid duckpin bowling team (that I hated) with him. I let him into my heart, my life, and worst of all, my 15 year old son's life.

I gave him way too many chances. The last time I confronted him, he got all indignant, got out and slammed my Jeep door. I had it and broke off all contact. When he realized I blocked his number on my cell phone, he left a nasty message on my home number saying that he was packing up my "****" and dropping it off on my back deck, didn't want to even see me, and wanted his house key back. Whatever! The crap he dropped off was ridiculous. Hand soap I bought for his house, a pair of flip flops, a hair scrunchie, a scarf I made for the dog, and a magnetic poetry set that we used to leave messages for each other on his fridge. What a drama queen. All meant to hurt me. A few hours later he left another rambling message. This time in tears, saying he just wanted me to hear in his voice how sorry he was and that he would always love me and wouldn't bother me anymore. He had a friend send me a text message a few days later saying that he loved and missed me.

Sorry, I just needed to vent. Have spent days in bed, not even getting dressed, eating, brushing my teeth. I know, gross. I did break down and write him a letter and actually mailed it. I shouldn't have, but I just wonder how he is and if he misses me. I hate sounding this pathetic. It's really so not me.

That's it. Just needed to vent.
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Old 07-15-2011, 10:23 PM
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so sorry

hwsm: I was so sorry to read your post and your story. I know how it feels and promise it will get better once you really do leave him behind. My divorce after 28 years of marriage and 4 great kids to AXH is not yet a year old, but I consider the start of my recovery from the time I went no contact and stuck with it. That is the only way to begin recovery. You wrote a letter and sent it. I did, too. My XAH responded with a point-by-point explanation of where I was wrong. Done. No response from here and there won't be one.

Tomorrow try to get out of bed and do one thing for YOU. Even if that's taking a shower! Spend your time and energy and thoughts on YOU and going forward. You have kids and a life, and it can be great! Be gentle with yourself, take your time to heal, confide in friends, give to others and decide what you want to teach your kids about life and how to respond when things don't go your way. They will face difficult times in their lives and are still learning from you.

Prayers coming your way tonight. It hurts, and there's no way around that pain. We have to go through it. And you will get there. You are stronger than you think and you are not alone. Let us know how you're doing.
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Old 07-16-2011, 08:18 AM
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You're right. I know it. I will probably get a letter or an email back justifying everything all over again. I set my sights really low so I wouldn't be disappointed again - but I was.

Thanks for your advice. I never thought about it that way - teaching my kids how to deal with bad sh*t that happens to good people with the best of intentions. I'm gonna work on that. Hey, it's past 10 am and I'm outta bed and dressed. Lol That's a start.
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Old 07-16-2011, 09:34 AM
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Outta bed and dressed is excellent!

One foot in front of the other. Thinking of you today.
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Old 07-16-2011, 11:32 AM
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My ABF of 15 months just broke his sobriety of 6 months 3 days ago. I am heartbroken. I cannot go back to being the GF of the man he is when he is drinking. I have no idea what to do now. My head says make him go; that was the deal when he got sober. I won't be with him if he's drinking. My heart says give him one last chance to get sober again...maybe this will be a short relapse.
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Old 07-16-2011, 01:27 PM
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Originally Posted by masuhanley View Post
My ABF of 15 months just broke his sobriety of 6 months 3 days ago. I am heartbroken. I cannot go back to being the GF of the man he is when he is drinking. I have no idea what to do now. My head says make him go; that was the deal when he got sober. I won't be with him if he's drinking. My heart says give him one last chance to get sober again...maybe this will be a short relapse.
I am so sorry. I absolutely know what you are going through! I was and still am heartbroken. I gave him chance after chance after chance!! I just keep telling myself how much I deserve better. I gave way more than I got. I cannot be with him when he's drinking BF. I just try to remember all the broken promises, telling my that I was hassling or nagging him. Remembering how he somehow made it seem like it was my fault. I put too much pressure on him and made things worse.
I am trying the no contact thing for now. My grief comes in waves. Sometimes it seems almost like a death; he's just gone. I am realizing through friends and this site that I can't change him. Really, as much as I want him to be the man I knew before - he just can't be. That person wasn't real. I've read how alcoholics are masterminds at deception and always "re-inventing" themselves. I don't think HE even knows who he is anymore. Alcoholism sucks. Every time I gave him another chance, it took a little piece of my heart away. I knew eventually, one day, that I would say "enough".
I can't say that I'll never give him another chance. I know that I am forever hopeful. I found out that I am a recovering Pollyannish moron. lol Maybe, I think, if he got 6 months sober under his belt........maybe a year...........then I would consider giving him another shot. But in the meantime, I need to take care of me and my kids. Somebody has to do it and he's not up to the job, for sure. Maybe he will and maybe he won't. Maybe I'll be around or maybe I won't. I'm not sure what the future holds.
I hope you find some comfort here. This site has helped me tremendously. I vent a lot, but most importantly...I'm a good listener too. I don't have any advice but I can sure feel your pain sweetie. I'm sending good thoughts your way.
Peace.
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Old 07-17-2011, 02:19 PM
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I'm having a hard time today. I've been dreaming about my XABF. I miss him so much. Sunday mornings were always ours alone. He'd make french toast and bacon and we'd do the crossword puzzle together. I have a king-sized bed and miss rolling over to see him there. I've been sleeping across the top of the bed so it doesn't seem so empty. And to be honest here, I'm really kinda hurt that I haven't heard from him. How weird is that? I mean, I blocked his number from me & my teenage son's cell phones. I was the one who initiated the no-contact. I'm mentally torturing myself here. In the past he left sticky love notes all over my Jeep, a rose on my windshield, and sent me cards and text messages. Now, nothing and I'm wondering if he's okay. I wouldn't even go to my mom's last week because I didn't want to drive anywhere near his house. I've been resisting the temptation to drive by because I'm afraid of what I might find. I've been avoiding my friends and family because I start crying at the drop of a hat and feel pathetic at times.

Friday I mowed the lawn and weeded until dark. Yesterday I cleaned like fiend, moving beds and shampooing carpedts. I cleaned the baseboards and window sills. Dusted like crazy. Today I can't get out of bed or dressed. I must be a sicko because it's like I'm craving attention from him when I know it's wrong.
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Old 07-17-2011, 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted by hwsm View Post
I am new here. Searching for answers. My boyfriend is an alcoholic. I really don't like confrontation at all. After 10 months of avoiding the white elephant in the room; I got up the courage to tell him that I could not accept his drinking. I knew before I said it what the outcome would be. I guess that's why I avoided it for so long. It seemed like we had it all; love, passion, compatability, and intimacy like I've never experienced. I love him with all my heart and wanted so badly to be with him. I still can't believe that this has happened to me. I'm 47 years old and I waited so long for him to come into my life and it all seemed so perfect. I saw the writing on the wall, little by little, and chose to ignore it. But saying it out loud helps me see how real it is. I've read so much on here and know in my heart that I did the right thing - but it really does hurt so much.

So sad......

Mine was 5 months and was/is brutal. It gets better with time but here are a few thoughts.

You helped the relationship by calling him out. Yes, it's a miserable conversation to have but pat yourself on the back for having it. Lots of people will pick up and leave without explaining. You're a better person for this.

Right now he loves booze more than you. That's a fact. I know that if I truely loved someone with all of my heart, I'd give up booze or whatever for them.

Go through the threads here. You're lucky you got out when you did. Check out some of the threads of people who've been married to alocholics for 10,15, 20 years. I read one post where a wife says talks about regrets meeting this man.

This is a great forum for support. I'm sorry things didn't work out but we're here for you.
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Old 07-17-2011, 06:11 PM
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I just read your thread from start to end and felt like I could have stopped on p 1 and predicted where it was going... And do you know why? Because I am you- you are me... I have been doing this dance for 8 yrs with my H. His behavior when we dated was intolerable but unlike you I never mentioned the elephant in the room. I got my ring, wedding, nice house, kids etc... and you know what else? I got the same guy you have but now he's my H and it's a LOT more complicated to end things. And I have 2 young kids who've been decimated by the chaos in this alcoholic home. As much as it hurts right now (and I'm divorcing my H and I am heartbroken too like you) I'm envious of your strength to break it off BEFORE you get married, join lives, finances etc... and you STILL have the same alcoholic you had when you were dating...

I'm sorry for your pain-- I really understand it and feel for you. Stay strong if you can-- he'll be full of sorry's and I want you back's again and I think you know how it will end if you take him back again... That said, it's taken me 8 yrs to get here so I'm not on any sort of soapbox...
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Old 07-21-2011, 07:07 PM
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Well, I gave him one last chance. He told me last Saturday that he wouldn't drink again if it meant he couldn't have me. He lasted 5 days. I know what has to be done, but it really hurts. The only thing that makes me resolved turn him out and keep him out is that he was verbally abusive and threatening to my 15-year-old son tonight. I might be enough of a dumba$$ to take that kind of behavior, but he cannot do it to my children. He gets so angry at himself for drinking and screwing up that he turns it on those close to him. I lived with that behavior for 10 months before he got sober. I won't do it again.

Six months ago he got sober and I took him back. We lived together, pretty happily (so I thought),for a few months. He drank again last week. Not just drank but went on a major bender. He was volatile and mean. He stopped again and I decided to give him one last chance. I figured our relationship deserved that. I told him that it would be over if he drank again however. Today he went ahead and drank again. I'm sure he thinks that I will give in and take him back once he apologizes and grovels (as I always have). But I can't this time. My son will never respect me (or choose to live with me anymore) if I do. Hell, I won't respect myself if I do. It sure hurts though.

Maureen
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:14 PM
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Originally Posted by seekingcalm View Post
Where there is active alcoholism, there can be no true intimacy. The alcoholic cannot let anyone get that close; it is too risky to their addiction.
these words hit me like bricks. On so many levels.
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Old 07-29-2011, 07:36 PM
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hwsm

I am in a similar situation after almost three years with the guy. I finally kicked him out a couple of months ago. The signs were there but I did not really want to let go of the relationship. (like going thru a bottle of scope every few days) After I kicked him out I started finding all the empty booze bottles he had stashed in my house so I would not find him drinking. He says he has no drinking problem and that I am just a controlling shrew.

Trust me, we both can get thru this. I am really gaining strength with all the wonderful support I read here. I am 45 and so not far behind you, but I feel there is a better life out of this insanity. There has to be I think school is a great idea. I am doing the same. Semester starts in a month.
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:09 PM
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I lined up all my x's empty stubbies bottles around the verandah and down the stairs. He almost burst his clacker valve rushing to grab them and get them out of everyone's sight. OOPS, too late for that, as I had a couple of snaps. Used them, (and others) to keep me on track and know WHY I quit with the chaos and despair his drinking had thrown my way.

Keep putting yourself FIRST, take nice easy steps and keep telling yourself "it will work out perfect for me", even if some folks do give you some funny looks.
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Old 11-28-2011, 08:02 PM
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On the attempts to hook, line and sinker you via texts...

I broke up with my bf over 3 years ago, he's still an addict and I still get texts from him (I got one last week actually). It won't stop, but believe me it will get easier with time. Just keep thinking that today is the easiest it will get and the hardest it will ever be.
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Old 11-28-2011, 10:30 PM
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Originally Posted by hwsm View Post

From what his family has told me, he quit for 13 years. After his ex cheated on him; supposedly he was devastated and began again.

I feel stong, but then it hurts all over again.
My husband was allegedly sober for 13 years. I mistakenly believed that the circus had left town for good. Once he relapsed completely, and refused to pursue recovery, and left me in an instant without ever looking back, he also said never in those years did he ever have a day he did not want to drink.

Denial for families is what keeps us as ill as the A...and will kill us just as surely.
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:21 PM
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Originally Posted by hwsm View Post
I'm 47 years old and I waited so long for him to come into my life and it all seemed so perfect. I saw the writing on the wall, little by little, and chose to ignore it.
I just started coming to this forum also looking for support and answers. I really can relate to you especially with your deep love for him. I am 39 years old now, and i feel like we had it all as well and i chose to live in the fantasy of the bliss. Like you, i saw the writing on the wall but chose to ignore it. I also am having a hard time letting go because i had felt like i've been waiting for these "feelings" my whole life, i definitely got caught up in that.

We have been together now over a year and recently the problems with drinking got worse by him loosing his job, financial issues, a DUI, and a whole lotta stuff that has blown up in my face.

It's a tough road, i'm just now trying to figure out how to get to where you are . I wish you a lot of luck and strength, hang in there.
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