Must be nice to have everything handed to him....

Old 11-30-2010, 06:53 PM
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Must be nice to have everything handed to him....

This is so XABF lost his job cause well, he just stopped going due to his binges, and now he told me he has applied for unemployment insurance. Is it possible that he can actually get this? I sure hope not.

We all know i suck at the no contact thing, lol....hoping i can atleast detach a little bit better, so far its not going so good

He is doing ok at the moment, all because he has no money to drink. He just hangs out at his aunt's all day and goes on the computer. His aunt is a lady who lives off welfare because she is too lazy to work. My XABF's mom, her sister, hates when he is over there because she is a bad influence.

His "friend" also lent him her laptop.I wonder what he had to trade in order to get that! She has had a crush on him for the longest time....i know i shouldnt care, but its easier said than done!

My XABF texted me last night saying that his ex (and the mother of his 10 year old child) totally berated him for not being able to pay child support this coming month. He whined about her calling him names, etc (didnt bother me, actually im glad she did this) I'm just there anything she can do to get him into trouble? Cause i'm so annoyed that this man never has any consequences for his actions.

It sucks so much that Im working two jobs just to live, and he has everything just given to him. He goes to the food bank to get fed, his "friend's" house to get smokes, and now perhaps unemployment insurance to pay all his bills. Argh, this infuriates me more than anything!!!
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Old 11-30-2010, 07:06 PM
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Hmm...these are just some thoughts I had after reading your post and just to reflect with you what I see....You are still really enmeshed with this guy and what he is doing. Almost like you like the drama he is in because it is a way to stay in touch. I dunno, I'm just throwing this out there.

And as for the issues with his ex and your question: "is there anything she can do to get him into trouble? Cause i'm so annoyed that this man never has any consequences for his actions." Do you want him to get into trouble? Will you feel vindicated? Sounds like more drama.

I guess my point is, you definately need to detach and hoping he gets into trouble is NOT detaching. It is still having his dysfunctional life swirling around your thoughts and you should focus on your detachment from his issues, not be interested in how more issues can be created for him.

Hope this makes sense but it isn't so much you as much as I read posts like this and think how we have the control to get unhealthy people out of our lives if we so chose and for whatever reason you are chosing not to so rather than look at the addict, drinker, or whomever is vexing us, think about why you want to still be entangled in their toxic lives.
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Old 11-30-2010, 07:08 PM
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Yes I know the feeling. I realised a long time ago that life in not fair, but still live in hope that some bludging a**eholes, will actually get a big boot up their nether regions, and hear a voice telling them to "move their butts, NOW".

Makes NC with your XABF, sound a real good idea....imagine not having this c**p in your ears and doing your head in? Nothing to know? Nothing to worry about.
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Old 11-30-2010, 07:34 PM
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He offers you nothing but grief and turmoil, and, you keep having contact with him. To be honest, I don't get it.

I hope that someday you can go no contact and move forward with your life. Until then keep posting, read others posts.

Hugs to you,
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:08 PM
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I'd love to know how long it took a bunch of you to just cut off all contact and no longer worry about someone you love with all your heart?

I don't love the drama, and i apologize for bothering you with my posts, i wont post anymore....sorry for coming here
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:22 PM
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Ahh, I know the struggle well. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Detachment is the key and you'll find it again, just keep channeling the focus on you.

I left XABF and struggled just to barely pay bills. I paid for food and gas many times with collected spare change and went so far as to exchange the gifts I received over the holidays to get cash to pay bills.

At last contact with my XABF he had gotten a better job, great housing thrown in with it, he adopted a new puppy, got released from child support on his child from a prior relationship, and was receiving all kinds of financial help and support from his family whom he'd reconnected with. Yippee for him.

His life just seemed to swim along easily enough while I struggled just to keep from being homeless and starving.

My frustration and bitterness overloaded me at times.

I had to remember that with his addiction all the good times ended eventually and I was left picking up the pieces. Well, this time, I was picking up the pieces for me and only me. My efforts would no longer be thwarted by the black hole of addiction and when I moved forward there would be no anchor holding me back.

It doesn't sound like your XABF has much of anything I would want in life anyway. He may receive funds for unemployment, but without a job at some point, that money will dry up. Can't be too lush living on someone else's welfare money either. Borrowed laptops, not even a cigarette of his own to smoke. Yeah, his life is a dream. Blech.

You can choose to be jealous of a loser if you want to, but I think you and both got the better deal. Who cares if something is just handed to them, if it just gets taken away at some point and then some? We're better than that you and I.

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Old 11-30-2010, 09:57 PM
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Detachment with love gains new meaning. One of the great gifts of the recovery movement is the concept of detachment with love. Originally conceived as a way to
relate to an alcoholic family member, detachment with love is actually a tool that we can apply with anyone. Al-Anon, a mutual-help group for people with alcoholic friends or family members, pioneered the idea of detachment with love. A core principle of Al-Anon is that alcoholics cannot learn from their mistakes if they are overprotected.

That word "overprotected" has many meanings. For example, it means calling in sick for your husband if he is too drunk to show up for work. Overprotecting also means
telling children that mommy didn't show up for the school play because she had to work late, when the truth is that she was at a bar until midnight. We used to call such actions "enabling," because they enabled alcoholics to continue drinking. Today we use the word "adapting," which is less blaming.

Originally, detachment with love was a call for family members to stop adapting. But as Al-Anon grew, people misunderstood detachment with love as a way to scare
alcoholics into changing. Such as, "If you don't go to treatment, I'll leave you!" Such threats were a gamble that fear could force an alcoholic into seeking help. For years the concept of detachment with love got stuck there. In fact, people still call Hazelden and ask, " If the person I love continues to drink or use other drugs, should I leave?"

My response is to ask family members to consider a deeper meaning of detachment with love. This meaning centers on new questions: What are your needs beyond the needs of the alcoholic or addict? How can you take care of yourself even if the person you love chooses not to get help? Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others. Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway. Most family members of an addicted person have been trying to change that person for a long time, and it hasn't worked. We are involved with other people but we don't control them. We simply can't stop people from doing things if they choose to continue.

Understood this way, detachment with love plants the seeds of recovery. When we refuse to take responsibility for other people's alcohol or drug use, we allow them
to face the natural consequences of their behavior. If a child asks why mommy missed the school play, we do not have to lie. Instead, we can say, "I don't know why she wasn't here. You'll have to ask her."

Perhaps the essence of detachment with love is responding with choice rather than reacting with anxiety. When we threaten to leave someone, we're usually tuned in to
someone else's feelings. We operate on raw emotion. We say things for shock value. Our words arise from blind reaction, not thoughtful choice.

Detachment with love offers another option...... responding to others based on thought rather than anxiety. For instance, as parents we set limits for our children even when this angers them. We choose what we think is best over the long term, looking past the children's immediate emotional reaction. In this sense, detachment with love can apply whenever we have an emotional attachment to someone-family or friend, addicted or sober. The key is to stop being responsible for others and to start being responsible to ourselves.

An article from the Hazelden Publishing Company

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Old 11-30-2010, 10:15 PM
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I've heard it said...and I know it's true...the best way to let go and move on is to remove your hands from around their neck.

I hope you can move on Boskerbear - I spent years investing myself in people who, whether I liked it or not, had little trouble moving on from me.

You deserve better - everyone does
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Old 12-01-2010, 04:13 AM
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OMGosh BoskerBear, I SO know what you mean! How about my brother, XBFs, and lots of other people I have caretaken?!?! It is crazy to see how much they get taken care of by others. And here's the insane thing: They probably didn't even have to ask!!! They just MENTION what they want or need, or a lot of time just complain about the problem, and POOF! Some codependent has gone and taken care of it for them. I almostzlost my mind being severely codependent. We really need to learn to stop reacting to other people. I have to WORK at not doing for others what they can do themselves. I have to let others figure out their problems and the solutions, on their own. When I try to control their outcomes, I slowly drive myself insane; because my own life is enough for me to handle.
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Old 12-01-2010, 05:07 AM
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Hi Boskerbear

When I initially started reading your thread the 'X' part jumped straight out at me but it didn't make sense that you were still so caught up in his life.

Reading between the lines I think that what I have picked up is that you love him and are actually waiting for him to hit his 'rock bottom' in the hope that he wakes up, gets help, sees the light and will be the BF that you love when he is sober. Whilst 'others' continue to assist him it makes the likelihood of this even further away and that is what you are finding frustrating.

It can be really infuriating but unfortunately your concern is really only that - YOUR concern and all that does is continue to eat away at you. (it leaves me feeling sick and stressed) The key Al-anon step is to admit that you are powerless over alcohol - the First step and sometimes the most difficult. I know that I have thought that I have mastered this step in the past, only to find me trying to control or force an outcome that I want. It doesn't work, I just end up letting myself down - I truly am powerless.

If you think about it this way, maybe him reaching his rock bottom needs to include you moving on with your life, putting yourself and your needs first, show him that you are not waiting around for him to stop drinking and IF he ever gets sober and wants to be with you again, he may be too late. This actually makes you more powerful and in doing so, you may actually be able to step away from his dramas, put the focus on you and will definitely get better at the no contact thing.

I may have you completely wrong and if I have - just take what you like and leave the rest.
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Old 12-01-2010, 05:21 AM
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A watched pot takes forever to boil. The addict in your life will hit that proverbial wall, but probably not in an area that you are watching. If this person is an "ex" in your life, then just move on. That whole thing is between him and his HP, and your presence is not a part of it.

If you think it through to its end, I think you'll see that being denied unemployment will not be the incident that causes the addict to hit that wall.

I too get frustrated with all the enabling, especially that money is the bloodline of addiction. But I have also noticed that addicts hit that wall not because he/she runs out of enablers (the world is FULL of enablers) but because he/she runs out of energy to live that way any longer. Like the poster above, the addict in your life is not living a "cush" life - having to bum cigarettes, no computer of his own, no place of his own. Perhaps focusing on that part of it will help.

BTW, it is my understanding that one cannot qualify for unemployment if they are fired from a job. But, again, if he does not qualify for unemployment and because he is not actively seeking recovery, some other enabler (besides the Federal Government) will step up to his plate. Your job is to move on - not an easy task - but it is doable.
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Old 12-01-2010, 06:06 AM
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I had a nice long post typed here and then it went **poof**. Ah well, it happens.

It takes time to work out your feelings, and to come up with some options as to what to do. Most of us had to go thru that same process.

It is really sad that some of our members continue to find it necessary to share the same message over and over - some variation of "hi nice to meet you, what are you getting out of that relationship? You should just leave!" My recommendation is that you put those people on ignore for awhile. You can always go back and change that if/when you choose to.

I know that when I first got here, I was looking for answers. It took time for me to work thru some of my "stuff" and also to begin to understand the nature of the disease of alcoholism. Al Anon will tell you it's a disease of relationships that affects everyone around the A.

I still don't understand why some people here insist on telling you what to do. They forget how it was when they first got here, how frightened they were, how much they wanted their loved one to change back to the wonderful person he was before the drinking got out of control.

They forget everything they tried. Or maybe they just don't want you to have to go thru all the steps they went thru or learn the lessons they had to learn along the way. They take you right to the end with a smug know-it-all - here's what you should do.

The preferred method here is to share our own experience, strength and hope. I can tell you what I did and didn't do, what worked and what I learned along the way. After awhile, you might come to trust some of us a little bit as you learn more about us. You might ask some questions and get some feedback.

I'm sorry for the way you were "welcomed" here. It's not what SR is all about.

And I'll strongly caution others to read this. Again.

Hugs and love to you, and welcome.
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Old 12-01-2010, 07:35 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
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Hi bosker bear, hope you are still reading even if you aren't posting.

I too got beyond mad at the complete lack of consequences stbxah seemed to experience.

I realise actually that he does have consequences, although it still seems not as many as I'm sure I would have if I behaved like that. It does feel almost as if the more outrageous your behaviour the more likely you are to attract a sort of stunned help, people almost seem to rush to get you out of holes, almost unable to believe that anyone could really have got themselves into such a pickle through their own actions. Whereas if you do something slightly wrong, that can seem to be punished severely.

Or maybe its that if you behave really badly, then you attract the sort of person who reacts with a stunned help, with everyone else giving you a wide berth in the first place.

I wouldn't want to live on my aunt's sofa, no home, no job, borrowing lap-tops, not financially supporting my child, living on unemployment benefits. So to me these would be very difficult consequences. This is not a judgement on those who do have to rely on unemployment benefits, which I think are a neccessary part of a civilised society, or to anyone who loses a home, or cannot support their child as they would wish. Just that if these things happened to me as a result of my actions, I wouldn't consider myself to have dodged a bullet.

and yes, I wanted bad things to happen to him, I often felt mean and nasty and angry, it wasn't pleasant being in that frame of mind, hope you are able to find a little peace.

I have been on these boards for 4? 5 years (I lost my first log in) I didn't post much about my situation, and still don't as ex broke into my computer ages ago, found out who I was and tracks what I write, but I know that reaching out and writing it down is brave and courageous, especially if you are afraid of critisism or needing external validation. I am a very slow emotional learner, it took me a long time to "get" and much longer still to put into practice the things that people talk about here, and much longer still for things to become an easy habit that isn't painful.

Some things I have learned are that when I have an emotional reaction to something that someone else writes, either directly to me or about themselves, the important thing was for me to look at why, what that could tell me about my thought processes, not theirs, because I can never really know why someone said something or what they meant, but I can work out why I react the way I do, and if I want to, work on changing that.

It was SO hard to turn my focus away from someone else when that is how I had been used to thinking, like my brain got used to walking a certain path on automatic and just wouldn't get off of it. The small steps at the beginning ARE the hardest ones, it's like turning a tanker in my experience, my feelings and thinking patterns have a lot of inertia. So congratulate yourself that you didn't immediately rush to his emotional rescue when his ex was angry and harsh due to him not pulling his weight financially. Recognising that is his consequence and leaving it to him.

have you thought about something you could do today that would make your life better in 30 days time? just your life, no reference to anyone else; could be reading a new book, tackling your finances, learning a new skill, going to AL-anon, committing to only worrying for no more than 1 hour a day, walking at lunch-time? whatever you want, just pick one thing and then congratulate yourself for that. This may seem like a nonsense suggestion, but I found it helped distract me, something new, and at the end of the 30 days as a bonus, I had something new and good in my life (a new skill, therapy, less debt, etc)
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Old 12-01-2010, 07:49 AM
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Originally Posted by boskerbear View Post
It sucks so much that Im working two jobs just to live, and he has everything just given to him. He goes to the food bank to get fed, his "friend's" house to get smokes, and now perhaps unemployment insurance to pay all his bills. Argh, this infuriates me more than anything!!!
When I start thinking that my ex has it easy I force myself to really try and figure out what is going on with me. I wouldn't trade my life for my ex's life of food banks, money begging from family and friends, and sofa surfing for all the tea in China. It is a sad life. I realize that what is really going on is that I am feeling totally overwhelmed and exhausted with my life. If I can focus on myself I can come up with one or two ideas to lesson the load on me personally and then I feel empowered with my life, rather then infuriated with his. Make sense? For me some of it is also acceptance. I can never have what he promised. The 'shared dream'. Never. It can be a tough pill to swallow even now and if I allow myself to dwell on it all kinds of ugly feelings start to take over.

I was not very successful at detaching until I went mostly no contact. He said and did to many things that kept me in a state of confusion and I would stay obsessed with him and 'us'. Now that I have some time of no contact (visitation discussions and through email only) I can deal with some of the other 'stuff' without so much emotional turmoil. For me, that length of no contact was about 10 months. I still keep it very guarded. IE - I can listen to it without feeling like I'm spinning but I don't feel like I could get involved so I am not lending advice, being a 'friend' or 'companion'. I'd get sucked back in I think and I'm not risking that.

Hang in there. Detaching is a rocky path but the other side is nice.
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Old 12-01-2010, 11:45 AM
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I'd love to know how long it took a bunch of you to just cut off all contact and no longer worry about someone you love with all your heart?
First time, it took me almost two years to finally break free. It is weird. It's like I'm walking, trudging, trying to get myself to a certain point and then stumble, fall on my butt, start getting back up, sometimes fall back down and remain still on my butt, then sometimes crawling, fall back down, get back up, walk a little ways, fall again. Maybe this description sounds weird, but that is what it is like for me when I am struggling to detach from someone. You try different things, and they either work or they don't. Perserverance means you keep trying to get back up, and you keep trying to move forward, no matter what. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Awareness means becoming aware of what you are doing. Soon you become aware of what you keep doing over and over and you consciously try something else and things start to make sense. A little. Keep trying but please go to AlAnon; it really gives you better perspective. And read and learn as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism.
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Old 12-01-2010, 12:43 PM
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When I responded, and hit send, I instantly realized that what I was trying to say was going to come across much differently than my intention. So I do apologize. I work with troubled moms and sometimes I come home from work banging my head against the wall because I see patterns of self destruction that defy logic. So yah, some posts do trigger me, I will be the first to admit it.

Some posts want concrete advice, others want comfort, it is difficult to know sometimes so half of what I say I just pull from my a** truth be told.

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Old 12-01-2010, 07:34 PM
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Okay people. Let's try this again. Here is the condensed version.

Do _not_ give advice. Just don't. Only licensed health care practitioners can give advice. If you feel an uncontrollable urge to give advice go see your real life friends where it is legal and acceptable to give advice. Here it is not.

Do share your _personal_ experience with the subject of the thread. Nothing more. If you have no personal experience then move on to some other thread, there's plenty of them.

Do _not_ quote from whatever literature you choose. If you want to quote literature start a new thread.

Do share your _personal_ experience with the subject of the thread. Yes I am repeating myself because people don't seem to get it.

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