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What should I do about drunken boyfriend

Old 11-30-2010, 06:02 PM
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What should I do about drunken boyfriend

I am very new to this. I recently discovered my boyfriend of over 2 years has a drinking problem. We are great together, discussing marriage,children and living together. He lost his job a few months ago because he lost his drivers license due to an OVI. He spent 10 days in jail for it. That's when I realized his drinking is a serious issue. Now this highly educated man is still unemployed and drinks away his afternoons because of his depression and need for "escape" from his situation. He will be without his car for a few more months,and unfortunetly lives with in walking distance to a grocery store where his vodka is readily available. I have done everything I can think of. Drive him to AA meetings, getting his family and friends involved and giving ultimatums. He is not an violent or angery drunk, but drinks to the point where he just passes out. I am also terrified that he will end up killing himself unintentionally because he also is a diabetic and his blood sugars go too high when he drinks. We are both medical professionals and know the consequenses yet he continues to drink. I love him soo much but cannot put up the drinking. What do I do? I want him back the way he was up untill a few months ago. Do I threaten to leave even though that is the last thing I really want to do, on the other hand, I can't cry myself to sleep every night because he is passed out and ruined our plans for the evening. When sober, he proclaims to never drink again, he is worried at the thought of loosing me, but yet he continues to drink. Will he pass this phase when he gets his license and car back? What do I do? HELP!
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Old 11-30-2010, 06:06 PM
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I think what you should do is a lot of reading around here on this site. You'll see that what you are going through is not at all uncommon. Maybe you'll realize that you cannot change him and that he is an adult and if he wants to drink, he has the right to drink. Likewise, you have the right to decide what you will and will not put up with in a relationship.

Welcome to SR! Glad you found us. Spend some time reading the stories of others just like you. You'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 11-30-2010, 06:19 PM
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You do what you need to in order to stay sane. Only you know what you can handle right now. By the time he gets his car and license back, he will be even deeper in his depression and drinking so it won't matter.

You can't plan around the unknown, only what is which is he drinks until he passes out which upsets you. He isn't in treatment so its like pushing a big drunken boulder up a steep hill. It will roll back on you again and again until he decides to make the move towards treatment on his own.

Try to focus on you as best you can. Therapy or al-anon may give you the support you need to deal with the anxiety and sadness about seeing him basically destroy himself. It is very heartbreaking to watch someone with so many talents and gifts self destruct. I do understand. Hang in there. bb
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Old 11-30-2010, 07:16 PM
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Go to Al-Anon...

...and thank your lucky stars you aren't married. I foolishly married my alcoholic and it is the worst decision I ever made in my entire life. I'm coming up on 50 years old, and I pissed away my 30's and 40's trying to "save" an alcoholic. Guess what? Marriage did not fix her.

Read enough posts on this forum and you'll discover my experience was relatively normal.

I sure hope you aren't as slow a learner as I am.

P.s. Good luck.

Cyranoak
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Old 11-30-2010, 07:24 PM
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I wouldn't make a threat that I did not intend to keep. If you don't say what you mean and mean what you say, you will be in a worse situtation than you are already in.

Have you been to meetings? If not, I would seek them out and attend all that you can/

Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:19 PM
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mmmbdl, you wrote "What do I do? HELP!" Let Go and Let God!

Study of Al-Anon's Twelve Suggested Steps is essential to progress in the Al-Anon program. The principles they embody are universal, applicable to everyone, whatever his personal creed. In Al-Anon, we strive for an ever-deeper understanding of these Steps, and pray for the wisdom to apply them to our lives.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Who are the members and why are they here?
Members are all kinds of people from all walks of life: wives, husbands, lovers, sisters, brothers, children and parents of alcoholics. No matter what our relationship has been with a problem drinker, we share a common bond: we feel our lives have been deeply affected by another person's drinking. We meet together to share our experience, strength and hope.

How will it help me?
You will probably hear about a situation much like your own. If you don't find someone with the same set of circumstances, you may still be able to identify with the way many of us feel about the effects of alcoholism in our lives. We are all individuals striving to become the best people we can, each in our own way. That way is not the same for each of us, but there is help for everyone whose problem is alcoholism in others.

Now what do I do?
We Al-Anon and Alateen members found it helpful to:
FIND A MEETING WORLDWIDE Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

Go to meetings.

Talk to each other before and after meetings.

Exchange telephone numbers and e-mail addresses.

After awhile, you may wish to find a sponsor - an Al-Anon member with whom you can identify, who can guide you in using the program to cope with problems.
Read Al-Anon and Alateen books, pamphlets, and many other useful books

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

reprinted with permission from Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA

Keep Reading and Posting on SR! Check out the stickies at the top!
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Old 12-01-2010, 06:21 PM
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There is only ONE thing you can do: walk away quickly. An active alcoholic will drag you down into the abyss and there's nothing you can do about it because his only priority is the bottle. It's not about reason or trying something new.

But here's something you SHOULD ask yourself. Is this what you want for your life? As Louise said to Thelma, "Thelma, you get what you settle for".
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Old 12-02-2010, 08:55 AM
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Thanks NYCDog... that quote helped me today...
mmm I had a boyfriend like that and as sad and painful as it was for me I had to leave. I was not second to alcohol. Alcohol is the only thing for him and I was just someone to drink with. Very very hard for me to realize that.

That was two years ago. He is still drinking. When we broke up he got someone else right away. She is also a heavy drinker. I recall when we took her home one night and she was going to keep drinking at her home. Alkies do not go out with people, they take hostages. If I had stayed I would have other 2 years of trying to change him, listening his insults and drunken rants, I would have not made a damn difference and just have suffered for a problem that is not even mine.

Your boyfriend already has a mom and you are not his mom. Perhaps losing you wakes him up. Perhaps it doesn't matter, as it happened to me. But there will be something precious to gain either way, your sanity, your sleep, peace, a real chance for love and so much more. It is a very painful place but for many of us life has been easier and better without an addict in our lives. Trust your gut. See the actions, mute the move and just see what he is doing. That is the truth. And please don't drive with him while he is drunk.

Can't change him
Can't control him
Can't cure him
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Old 12-02-2010, 09:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
I foolishly married my alcoholic and it is the worst decision I ever made in my entire life. I'm coming up on 50 years old, and I pissed away my 30's and 40's trying to "save" an alcoholic. Guess what? Marriage did not fix her.

Read enough posts on this forum and you'll discover my experience was relatively normal.

I sure hope you aren't as slow a learner as I am.

P.s. Good luck.

Cyranoak
Same here. I married him. Now he has been to 15 expensive rehabs. Today he goes to a yearlong rehab . His family got a court order to keep him there.

The children and I are facing liquidation of the family business.And sequestration We have nothing. And does he care? I really do not know as we do not speak. (I have a suspicion that he is too scared about this rehab and too depressed about the prospect of not drinking for a year to care about anything else.)

This was no way to spend my beautiful and precious youth. My three children are a blessing , but I had to realise a long time ago , that i am basically a widow without the "perks" of an inheritance.

If i could change it. I would have walked away at age 22- I am now 47.

Think about your life > what do you want and need ?

Hugs
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Old 12-02-2010, 09:17 PM
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hi

Just wanted to add that me ignoring the red flags in my twenties , and choosing to marry into alcoholism - was an indication of my need to ignore me - and to focus on somebody else. That is not healthy - I have learned it now .

Never ignore the " little voice" or your gut feel.

hugs
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Old 12-03-2010, 08:58 AM
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Originally Posted by freefalling View Post
hi

Just wanted to add that me ignoring the red flags in my twenties , and choosing to marry into alcoholism - was an indication of my need to ignore me - and to focus on somebody else. That is not healthy - I have learned it now .

Never ignore the " little voice" or your gut feel.

hugs

freefalling- can you please call me and remind me of this everyday!!!! Thank you for being so honest. Your children will learn from your strength, bravery and honesty.

hugs to you!
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Old 12-03-2010, 09:07 AM
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mmm,

Welcome!! I am also a newbie (I posted my first thread on November 2). I think we are kind of in the same situation. I dated my A for 3 years. I was uncomfortable with his drinking from the very start. I had several conversations with him about this. He never did anything to change. So, I had to make a decision. I decided to break up with him. It was the right decision for me.

t was very hard, and I miss him very much, but I simply could NOT be in a relationship with a man who was UNWILLING to get help for his drinking.

Please listen to what the folks on this forum have to say. You'll get brutal honesty- which is what you need. It's what we all need!

Please keep posting and reading other threads on this forum- I found that reading others' stories was extremely comforting. I felt very isolated in my frustration... but, it turns out that many of the folks on this forum went through very similar situations. Their advice and words of wisdom are priceless gifts.

Thanks!!
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Old 12-03-2010, 09:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
...and thank your lucky stars you aren't married. I foolishly married my alcoholic and it is the worst decision I ever made in my entire life. I'm coming up on 50 years old, and I pissed away my 30's and 40's trying to "save" an alcoholic. Guess what? Marriage did not fix her.

Read enough posts on this forum and you'll discover my experience was relatively normal.

I sure hope you aren't as slow a learner as I am.

P.s. Good luck.

Cyranoak
I just wanted to say a million gazillion 'thank yous' for this!

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Old 12-05-2010, 06:06 AM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
Thanks NYCDog... that quote helped me today...
mmm I had a boyfriend like that and as sad and painful as it was for me I had to leave. I was not second to alcohol. Alcohol is the only thing for him and I was just someone to drink with. Very very hard for me to realize that.

That was two years ago. He is still drinking. When we broke up he got someone else right away. She is also a heavy drinker. I recall when we took her home one night and she was going to keep drinking at her home. Alkies do not go out with people, they take hostages. If I had stayed I would have other 2 years of trying to change him, listening his insults and drunken rants, I would have not made a damn difference and just have suffered for a problem that is not even mine.

Your boyfriend already has a mom and you are not his mom. Perhaps losing you wakes him up. Perhaps it doesn't matter, as it happened to me. But there will be something precious to gain either way, your sanity, your sleep, peace, a real chance for love and so much more. It is a very painful place but for many of us life has been easier and better without an addict in our lives. Trust your gut. See the actions, mute the move and just see what he is doing. That is the truth. And please don't drive with him while he is drunk.

Can't change him
Can't control him
Can't cure him
I check in here to read every so often, and I'm glad I did. The bolded phrase made my day.

It is also comforting to see, in a sad sort of way, that there are others like me, women in their later years (I'm 52) who will always regret that we lost so many years of our lives trying to fix an alcoholic. Not only had this with my husband, but with a long-time friend who was once in recovery and then went back to drinking. And the saga continues--recently let go of contact with another friend who is going down the alcoholic drain and isn't ready to face her demons. Of course this says a heck of a lot about ME that I attract these people, lol, and I know that, but I won't be a hostage anymore.

It's difficult, though. The reason I ended up surrounded by alcoholics in the first place is that I never fit in with normal people, even as a child. I enjoy solitude to some degree, but dammit, sometimes life does get downright lonely. The only child is gone to college (will be home for the holidays, though--yeay!). I know that any chances of ever having a relationship again are dead, dead, dead, as no men except for alcoholics have ever been interested in me, even as a young woman. That was a truth that was very hard for me to accept, and it took a long time to get there. Perhaps if I had discovered ME when I was younger, life could have turned out differently. But I can have new friends, I hope. I have to hope for that. Trying, anyway.

But I won't be a hostage again, no! And OP--you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please take care of YOU and learn from those of us who learned too late.
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Old 12-05-2010, 08:07 AM
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I married a man with a drinking problem. Like others here, I thought he'd get better with marriage, mature out of the behavior, or (insert magical process here).

I, too spent my thirties and forties hanging on for the good times, and insulating myself from the effects of the bad times.

You think at the beginning, "I can deal with this. I love him." Let me tell you, one day you'll have a bad day at work; or a family member will die; or something catastrophic will happen. You'll come home, thinking of it as Dr. Phil says, 'a soft place to land.'

When I came home on those very bad days, I did not have a soft place to land. My AH was drunk. He may have been just drunk, which meant he was emotionally unavailable to me. Too drunk for me to even vent to, if that was all I wanted to do. He was not someone I could call if the car broke down, or if I was stranded some place, because if he was conscious and cared enough to answered the phone, he was too drunk to drive and pick me up.

I was scheduled for a short business trip. My husband told me he was too sick to wait around the airport to see if my flight took off, but had stopped to drink on the way home. My flight for the trip was canceled. It was 11 p. m. I kept calling my home, but no answer. Imagine my embarrassment at calling my boss, and asking him to drive me an hour away to my home.

Sometimes it was not a soft place to land, and I was spending additional time and energy picking up after a drunk. He tried to repair things around the house, and would have to do the same thing two, three, or more times because doing it drunk didn't have a very effective outcome.

One night I noticed he stood and stared at the toaster for 5 or 6 minutes. He couldn't figure out how to make it work.

Since it is a progressive disease, AH progressed from functional alcoholic to a non-functioning one. He lost three jobs in six years.

When I married him, he was an ace computer programmer, making double what I did. When he died, he'd been fired from a maintenance crew, after being fired from a hardware store, after being fired from computer programming.

I had a cancer scare three months after AH died. I remember wishing he was there for me. I realized, though, it was just as likely I'd be taking care of both of us, instead of just me.

I miss the person he used to be, you can't imagine how much. I don't miss the drunk he became.

I am 54 years old, and the chances of meeting another man and having a long term relationship are nil, given the ratios of men and women available.

You will miss him if you leave. You will be lonely. Being lonely by yourself is hard. Being lonely and having an obligation to a spouse who provides nothing in return is soul-killing.
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Old 12-05-2010, 09:07 AM
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after a certain age, & past 50, finding & having a relationship of 2 givers, is very slim. Then you learn how to Love being on your own.
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