Please help me understand or walk away....

Old 11-30-2010, 09:31 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Location: Mexico
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Please help me understand or walk away....

I am not sure if this board is for questions regarding living with an alcholic, but I am not really sure where to start, and this website appeared when I searched for online assistance.
I have been in a relationship for a year and half with a man who I love dearly. In the beginning we enjoyed going to restaurants or eating at home and having wine, but I started to realize early on that this person has a serious problem. He drinks every single day. I am not exagerating when I say every single day.
We are living in a touristic town in the Carribean, where it is not really strange to see smiling folks having margaritas early in the afternoon. My partner is unable to drink hard alcohol, as he instantly gets sick, however he drinks 5- 6 beer a day, and sometimes wine, and it starts by 12 in the afternoon.
It is a struggle for me, because I do enjoy wine as well, but I do not feel it is problem for me.
Recently our sex life has completely stopped, as he is also a chronic pot smoker, has spent a good amount of his life using drugs, cocaine, ect.....That is an occasional maybe once or twice a month now.
I love him, as he is beautiful and brilliant, but I am finding myself depressed lately because we live in paradise, and never spend time together doing beautiful things, like walking on the beach, visiting other places, ect.
He is a painter and is often waiting for his paintings to sell, and I take on the jobs that offer a predictable income.
The situation sounds terrible for those on the outside, I am aware of that. As I know what advice I would give a friend if she was in the same situation. But my heart is involved and I am scared to be alone, although I feel I am alone now.
I asked told him last night I thought he was a sick man, and that I am trying to find balance in my life now and I am choosing not to even touch alcohol again. I said, it is challenging being with a man who never wants to sleep with me unless he takes cocaine. I am a beautiful woman, talented with music, and yoga teacher as well. As I write this I realize how ridiculous it really does sound.
I just want help, and I do not want to leave him, because I love him, and I want to help him.
My father is an alcoholic and I fear my life will end up like my mothers, but I am scared to leave, as I mentioned before. I have been at a creative dead end for a while now and I rarely practice yoga. It is depressing me.
I am looking for insight as to deal with this personality.
When I ask him if he chooses alcohol and drugs over me he tells me, yes he does because he does not want a controlling woman in his life.

Please Advise with compassion and understanding if you can....
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Old 11-30-2010, 09:35 AM
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RIP Sweet Suki
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When I ask him if he chooses alcohol and drugs over me he tells me, yes he does because he does not want a controlling woman in his life.

Well, there ya go. You asked the question and got your answer. Not trying to be mean, but he pretty much said right there that given a choice, he'd let you go. You deserve better, but you won't find it hanging on to this guy.
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Old 11-30-2010, 09:39 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
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oh Honey,
So glad you found our SR site -

It is such a wonderful place to find the compassionate support you may need in living with the active diesease of alcoholism & addiction.

So many of us understand about loving and caring for those who are active addicts/alcoholics - There is probably nothing you can do to help him - he has to want that for himself, but there is lots you can do to help yourself.

Attend al-anon meetings, continue posting here, read recovery literature, etc. seek help for you - to keep you grounded, safe and sane while dealing with the insanity of the disease.

You deserve to be happy, joyous and free - if that is with or without him - That is for you to decide.

Most of all you can learned to make decisions that are healthy for you - that's what I learned and I am very very grateful!

PINK HUGS to you,
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Old 11-30-2010, 09:42 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
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You are in the right place. Most definitely.
I am sorry for what brought you here. It is good when I type things out here, it helps me to think.

Do you have AlAnon meetings there? That would help you tremendously, face to face with someone who is living or has lived with an alcoholic.

I understand you want to help him because you love him.
Marina, he can only help himself, and he has to have the desire to change/get help.

Please learn to take care of yourself, if he is an active addict, he cannot be the man you want him to be.


Oh, and the book by Melody Beattie, "Codependent No More" is excellent.
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Old 11-30-2010, 09:44 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
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Welcome to SR, you made a wise choice to seek help for yourself.

Yes, that's right, I said "yourself" cannot help your alcoholic boyfriend. Nothing you do or don't do will influence his abuse of alcohol and drugs.

But you can take care of yourself. Keep reading here, and posting, and try to find an Al-Anon meeting, even if it is on-line.

The more you learn, the better able you will be to make the choices that are right for you.

In my experience, it is impossible to have an intimate relationship with an active alcoholic. They are not capable; it is our fantasy that we have it, but we don't. My exabf said he could stop drinking if I was not there to mistrust him...I knew I had to leave right then. Because they will blame us, they will do anything and say anything to protect their addiction, and take the focus off their actions.

Take care of you; glad you are here
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Old 11-30-2010, 09:50 AM
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OMG, the Mexican riveria...excuse me while I am jealous awhile! LOL

Please make yourself at home, read the stickies at the top of this forum.

alcoholism and substance abuse is progressive, it only goes one way...worse,
unless he seeks abstinence and recovery which he has told you he has no interest in.

You are in a beautiful area, the beaches, good food, wonderful climate..just lovely.
I think you deserve someone who can celebrate all this with you and add to your pleasure and enjoyment of life.
That is not going to happen with an addict.

Everyone of us comes here hoping against hope that our addict is different, that if we only knew the right thing to do, we could save them, our relationship and all would be well.

I have never once seen that happen as long as they continue to use their substances, whatever they are.
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Old 11-30-2010, 10:53 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
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Hi Marina! welcome and I hope you get back to the yoga mat! over here there are many yoga enthusiasts... its so cool you are a yoga teacher! I am also in Mexico (GDL) and am envious as well

A partner for you would be someone as healthy as you, someone whose life does not revolve around alcohol. Someone who can enjoy alcohol socially and can enjoy all those wonderful sights and has varied interests. It is difficult when you feel no one else considers their drinking a problem, or everyone else seems to drink the same. But we get you and you are not imagining it and someone who drinks daily definitely has a problem.

An ex I had said he was willing to drink the rest of his life. That was 2 years ago and he is doing exactly that. What do you want for your life? peace? quiet? joy? true friends? true love? or an addict in denial that perhaps has the same plans to drink first and foremost regardless of how it affects others and how it affects himself. He is a sinking ship and you are in time to save yourself and regain your joy-and your yoga!- back.

Keep reading and posting..!
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Old 11-30-2010, 10:58 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
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Hi Marina...WELCOME to SR. There's much wisdom and support to be had here.

First off, I'd like to post for you the 3 C's of addiction, in case you don't already know them:

You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it

The last one is particularly relevant since you mentioned wanting to "help" your ABF (alcoholic boyfriend). Sadly, there's nothing you can say, or do, or not say or not do that will change him or his addiction. You simply don't have the power. His addiction and his recovery, whether he chooses to find it or not, is entirely HIS CHOICE.

I know it's frustrating to come to the realization that there's really no "talking", manipulating, threatening, begging, raging or crying in the world that can change your ABF.

I strongly recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting, or if you can't, at least going to an online meeting. I also recommend getting your hands on Codependent No More; it's an eye-opening read.

Please don't hesitate to come back here and post and read as much as you like.
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Old 11-30-2010, 11:51 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
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Hi Marina and welcome!

I'm so glad that you found SR. There are so many wise and wonderful people here that can and will help you find peace, joy and yourself.

It hasn't been mentioned so I'll mention the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. Please don't misread the title, this is a book for YOU! It has been a true comfort to turn through its pages.

Please look around the stickies and keep posting! You are not alone!
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Old 11-30-2010, 03:59 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You will find loads of support, encouragement and wisdom here.

The sticky (permanent) posts at the tops of the forum contain some of our stories and lots of wisdom. I always find useful information there.

In fact, this is one of my favorite stickies. It contains steps that have helped many of us already:

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

We are here to support you!
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Old 11-30-2010, 04:30 PM
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Marina, do you remember who you were before you became involved with this person? Have you been disappointed in the relationship? Maybe even angry about what your life has turned into with his influence? Before I got into Recovery I lived with a person who brought me down. The relationship was not equal; I did most of the work and paid all the bills and it was like he was sucking me dry. I was miserable in that relationship but I too was afraid to try life on my own. Fortunately, he did something so horrific that i HAD to get out, had to save myself. It took me nearly two years to break free from him and it damn near killed me. But by the grace of God, and with the help of AlAnon and my family, I made it. I hope you get away from him because when I read your story, I thought of my past, and how I slowly succumbed to the sickness that he brought into my life, my world, and my home. That is what drug addiction and alcoholism do. Please get away from him. You can do it. LEAP and the net will appear. (((hugs)))
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:20 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
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He already has a controlling woman in his life, Alcohol.....and he does not want to lose her. He has virtually told you that if you rock his boat, you will be the one who goes, which tells me anyway, that you may love him a lot, but only come second for him.

You could wait around till you are old, grey and miss out on your life, waiting for him to sort himself out or you can take control of YOUR life now, and start living one.

As others have said, living with an Alcoholic is not LIVING, it is stressed out survival and surely you want and deserve much more than you are getting now.
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Old 12-01-2010, 04:06 PM
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I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! But since he picked his addiction over you, you have to let him go. We all deserve better than this!
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