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Confession - I went to an AA meeting with my ex this morning

Old 11-30-2010, 05:51 AM
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Confession - I went to an AA meeting with my ex this morning

As some of you know, my ex emailed me last night from a new email address saying he was "thinking of options" such as rehab, blah blah blah. He asked me to attend an AA meeting with him. So I went this morning. I don't really think I should have - he can do this on his own. But I did it anyway.

He sat there crying throughout the meeting. He told me he knew his life isn't "working."

I think he is sincere in the moment, but I know him too well. I haven't seen him go to this degree before - but I'm certain he'll just be drinking and grandiose and dismissive within a few days.
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Old 11-30-2010, 06:15 AM
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From what i know of al anon meetings we were told that they think all the meetings should be open ones, cos its a family illness and that it helps seeing the other side. But i kinda think u went for him not for u bless u, if he does start drinking again then let him just u work on yourself. Do u go to al anon? cos they helped me dunno what i would of done without all the good ppl there look after yourself and leave him to do what he will do ,cos one thing im learning is u cant make em give up hope this helps cos i still feel very much a newbie here and am still learning myself xxxx
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Old 11-30-2010, 06:34 AM
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Well...what happened after?
Do you tell him, "look, hey, great first step, but...I dont want to be in the mix of your choices. I need to pull back. You take care of yourself, I hope you get sober, do go to treatment. I will be there to talk to when you do that."

Then pull back?

In my experience, he probably will go back to drink and grandiosity...He may have been talking all that to get you back into the mix.

If so, take yourself very quietly and calmly back out of the mix.
And dont waste any more energy feeling guilty. You are doing the best you can.
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Old 11-30-2010, 06:38 AM
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It's true, there is no way to know if/when the final push happens. People do decide to and actually get clean, but there's no way to measure sincerity, it just happens. I definitely think having your own program and coping skills is something you can control and could be quite valuable for you.

It is true that addicts have to make the changes on their own, but unless they are abusive or harmful, it's not an absolute, 100% thing. He has to fix his own problems, but if you drop in now and then for support it's not going to harm, so long as you both know it's essentially his problem.
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Old 11-30-2010, 06:39 AM
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What Buffalo said.
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Old 11-30-2010, 07:26 AM
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"sincere in the moment"

That phrase sums my XAH's dedication to his sobriety. Unfortunately, it just never lasts. Very well put.
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Old 11-30-2010, 07:36 AM
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The pro out of it, I really liked it and might go back on my own. I am in recovery myself and only go to a counselor. I liked a lot of what the people were saying and it was a calming place.

I felt like a couple of times he was trying to manipulate. He said, "I came here because something you said made me think. You said, 'how's that working out for you?' and I realized it's not working." First of all, I got that from Dr. Phil. lol. Second, just seemed like a manipulation...he wants me to feel like I'm saving him and that kind of ticks me off. I don't want to save him - I just want peace in my life. I want him to save himself! My impression is that he thinks that's going to hook me in.

And the other manipulation...he kept saying, "Thank you for offering this." I didn't!!! He ASKED me if I would go with him and I said I would. He always does that. I don't know if he's just arrogant and doesn't want it to seem like he asked or what.
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Old 11-30-2010, 07:50 AM
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goldengirl3: You said you were also in recovery. Is that recovery as an addict or in recovery as in being the family member of an addict?

If you are in recovery as an addict, then definitely AA is for you. But not at the same table (or maybe not even the same meeting) as your ex.

If you are in recovery as the family member of an addict, then Alanon or Naranon is for you - not AA. AA meetings are closed meetings, meaning they are for the addicts themselves only. Alanon meetings are also closed meetings, meaning they are for friends/family members only. The reason for that is to avoid the situation you described above. In the situation you experienced above with your ex, neither one of you was able to benefit from the meeting because you were wrapped up in each other's head.

Hope that helps make your decision on how to handle this whole thing.
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Old 11-30-2010, 07:56 AM
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No, I am an alcoholic. I know what AA and Al-anon is. Thanks.
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:08 AM
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It very much to me sounds like he is playing a game. Who knows if he is doing it intentionally to manipulate or if he is playing games with himself even but it sure doesn't sound like any kind of true awareness on his end.
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:34 AM
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That's kind of what I was thinking.
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Old 11-30-2010, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by sojourner View Post
AA meetings are closed meetings, meaning they are for the addicts themselves only.
Perhaps it's different where you are but in most cities I've lived in, the vast, vast majority of AA meetings were open. There are closed ones but they only make up a small percentage of the meetings available. (I just checked on the website, in my local area about 3% of the meetings are closed.)
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Old 11-30-2010, 05:26 PM
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Quack, Quack and more Quack, Quack. He is playing you. Work on you, please go no contact, for you.

If he wants recovery, he doesn't need you to hold his hand.
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Old 11-30-2010, 07:49 PM
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I take my youngest grandson to his pre-school sometimes, he is nearly 5 and he DOES NOT NEED to have me hold his hand. Your AH asked you to accompany him to an AA meeting, you did so, got some benefit from it as an A yourself. If you want to go back to AA, fine for you, but do it for your own needs and benefit, and better at another meeting. Let your AH go to the AA meetings without you, or not go at all, whichever he chooses is not your responsibility....his problem, his to work out.

I decided Alanon with RAW and AH (both kids of A's) was not for me, when after 2 meeting full of bitchy remarks and angry outbursts, a water container and pot plant flew past my head, as World War 3 broke out. Later of course my then ABF turned up at my meeting and stymied my input, to the point of useless, and I left.
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