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Just been dumped

Old 11-30-2010, 03:47 AM
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Just been dumped

Well I am just here trying to pick up the million little pieces and hurting so much.

ABF called me on Sunday and asked if he could see me. I met him at his home. He told me that he loves me deeply. He said he was not lying when he said he wanted to marry me a few months back. He said I mean the world to him BUT......he cant be in a relationship now and needs space. He needs space to heal from his divorce and to address his drinking "problem". I asked him how he planned on doing that and he said he was going to see our pastor. I asked him if he had used me and that all the special times were nothing to him. He said that all our special times he holds so dear to him. He wanted us to still be in contact saying I could still phone him, text him etc but I was not to get upset if he did not respond. I told him that if he still wanted me in his life we could do the space thing but we would need to keep up the contact. I told him I cant go back to being "a friend" as it would just hurt me too much.

As I was leaving having said I am letting him go as he wants, he grabbed me and started to kiss me intimately, I started to cry. He held me in his arms and just kept saying, I love you, I love you so much, believe that. He stroked my hair, held my face and kissed me again. I could tell he was getting aroused - and then I stepped back - I told him I could not do this with him. I asked him if he was certain about this whole thing and he said yes. I walked out the door and said he can text me if he wants because I cant do it.

So here I am devastated. He really is the man I love. I don't understand why, if he loves me so much that he wants "time out" and oh "he cant guarantee anything". Where does that leave me? How can someone share such a deep connection with another person - and we do - can he walk away needing to heal.

I am so broken. Obsessed by the special times.

Heaven help me.
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Old 11-30-2010, 05:08 AM
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JW - Welcome to SR and I"m sorry you're hurting.

You don't describe your relationship, but I suspect that if he's indeed an alcoholic, it might look like the others described on this board. If that's the case, please spend some time reading our posts and if you see yourself in them, thank him for setting you free to find the love you deserve. Easier said than done, I know.

I have had no contact with my AXBF for most of this year. Like you, I'm hurt, obsessed, angry etc. Despite my broken heart, today I feel more at peace.

In the meantime, please come back, keep reading and posting. I know others will be around soon to share their wisdom soon.
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Old 11-30-2010, 05:13 AM
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I'm sorry to say this - and I could be absolutely wrong - but it sounds to me as if there is someone else in the picture. I have a lot of experience in that area, unfortunately.

I am very sorry you are hurting. We're here for you. (((Hugs)))
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Old 11-30-2010, 05:39 AM
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JW123, You have every right to be upset right now and I can hear your heartache you are feeling right now! It's obvious you still love this person very much and it can be very hard to get through the breakup.

Cry all you want. It really can make you feel better. Mourning a loss is mandatory if you truly love someone and have to let go. Keeping it all in is not healthy. Give yourself time to grieve. Allow yourself time to feel grief and sadness. It's a part of the healing process, and you shouldn't try to ignore your feelings. A few weeks to a few months is a normal range of time. If you find that you can't get over the break-up after a few months, you may need to get professional counseling or other help.

Find things to do to keep busy. Keeping busy will keep you from dwelling on the break-up. This is a great time to start a new hobby. Find activities to keep you mentally and physically occupied. Physical exertion will also help release endorphins which will make you feel better.

Accept reality. Facing the reality of your situation will help with the healing process. Get involved in a support group, if necessary.Therapy can be very beneficial. Move on. Get on with your life, even if it isn't exactly what you wanted.

If you find it hurtful for your friends to hang around his hangouts, let your friends know. Your real friends will be understanding and do what they can to help you get through this. PRAY...... even people who don't generally pray can feel a sense of relief from praying......BE STRONG......this is a time consuming process. I have heard that it takes half of the length of the relationship to get over the loss of it...... so if you were together for one year, it will typically take six months to get over it......Don't drunk dial him. You will feel foolish later......Don't make excuses to see him or call him. Just let go, no matter how much it hurts......Don't date his friends to get back at him. It only makes YOU look stupid.

The first step in working on moving on is getting rid of anything that will trigger memories. This can be VERY hard. If you find that you cannot throw away these items, put them into a box and take them to a friend to hold for you until you are ready to do something with them. Items to remove are not limited to: photos, letters, trinkets they bought for you or with you, movies you watched together and clothes they gave you. If you have songs that remind you of them, delete them from your music library.

Delete them from your address book, and/or cell phone. You shouldn't look at their number daily, and you really shouldn't use it.

Cut ties with mutual friends. This is hard to do, but it is almost always necessary. If you keep the mutual friends, you will be faced with things that remind you of him all the time. It can cause a lot more heartache and you are likely to have a longer healing time because of it.

If you have photos of him on your cell phone, myspace, or facebook... DELETE THEM! If you don't want to permanently delete them, save the photos to a disc, then delete them from the phone and internet sites. PUT THE DISC AWAY.. at a friend's house or somewhere that you wont see it constantly.

When you hear a song on the radio that reminds you of him, turn the station immediately and think of something else. This takes a lot of thought control but is very important.

Avoid his phone calls or tell him not to call you anymore. If you really want to get over him, letting him play with your mind will not help you. It is really hard to ignore his calls or emails, and takes a LOT of willpower. The person you care about so much is exactly who you want to hear from...... so when he calls, you want to answer it. Just don't do it!

If you know anyone else going through a similar situation, befriend them and help each other. They might understand you more than other people will.

Get a lot of sleep and exercise. There is never a bad time to get healthy!

Staying immersed in the past isn't good for you. Figure out where you want to go with your life, and enjoy living in the world you create through your dreams and plans.

*********************************************
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Old 11-30-2010, 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted by JW123 View Post
So here I am devastated. He really is the man I love. I don't understand why, if he loves me so much that he wants "time out" and oh "he cant guarantee anything". Where does that leave me? How can someone share such a deep connection with another person - and we do - can he walk away needing to heal.
Hi JW...

I wanted to chime in with this: whether or not your ABF is actually going to "work on his recovery", since there is a chance that he is dallying around or that he's not really serious, you have a choice to make. You can choose to wait around for him to decide he's ready for a relationship, which may or may not happen for a while. Or you can decide that you're not going to be his backup plan and move on.

Yes, this hurts like hell. Yes, it's going to be really uncomfortable for a while. However, discomfort never killed anyone and you can make it through this by reminding yourself that you have a choice.

If the relationship really is meant to be, then it'll happen, no matter what you do.

I'd strongly recommend letting him do his thing and focusing on you for a long while.
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Old 11-30-2010, 07:48 AM
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I am sorry about your hurt.
I know this feeling and it is awful.

All the questions do not help.

U have no control over what he chooses, why he does, what he thinks, says or who whether he can or cannot express or give you what you need.
Those are his things. You cannot change them. You can only make your choices now.
Please choose to look ahead and go on an adventure with yourself. Find out who you are, learn more about you...
Pkease let him do whatever he is doing. You CANNOT CONTroL IT ANYWAY. Obsession is a terrible feeling. It is also a wasting precious life moments on the past.
good luck
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:02 AM
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JW
I'm so sorry that you are hurting. The pain of losing someone we love hurts to the very core of our being. Do something really nice for yourself and try to stay occupied with healthy activities.

gentle hugs
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Old 11-30-2010, 09:23 AM
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I've been the ABF before. However, this seems to me less a case of alcoholic behavior and more of one of just control. He seems to be doing what a lot of "controlling" types do. I refer to it as the prerequisite dump. He can't just say he's moving on, he says he loves you BUT he has to move on...needs time to work on himself...whatever excuse. The endearments are just bait in the water for when he takes you back. Better known as "hooking" you back. You take the bait, go back to him, and the controlling man knows you can be controlled. Go back and it will only escalate.
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Old 11-30-2010, 06:32 PM
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I am so sorry that you are hurting. However, there is a big difference between loving someone and lusting after someone, for sex.

His recovery is up to him, not you. Give him space, and, in the mean time work on you.
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Old 11-30-2010, 06:47 PM
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I am very sorry you are hurting but feel I must tell you that everything he said sounds like complete bull$hit to me. You are confused right? Because what he did and said was MEANT to confuse you. I have had XBFs do this to me too. Break up with me to get me to react emotionally, hurt me ON PURPOSE, so that I run to THEM. If it were me now, I would immediately go No Contact, don't text, call or email and don't accept any from him either. You break up with me? Fine buddy, we're done. Not playing this game. Get your girlfriends and family all around you for support. (((hugs)))
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Old 11-30-2010, 07:11 PM
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I'm sorry you are hurting.

Along with the drinking, It is possible that he may be depressed and people who suffer from depression do stuff like this, push people away that they love because they feel they have nothing to give back. The drinking exacerbates that. I won't doubt you when you say you had something deep and meaningful but when people are depressed they don't see things clearly. Let alone a drunk AND depressed person.

When I was deep in depression, I really thought my own son would be better off without me in his life and it was out of love that I thought that. It made perfect sense to me but it was completely irrational thinking on my part. I didn't feel capable enough. And it pained me that I was not being a good mom because I was in so much pain myself.

It is about capacity and he doesn't seem to have it right now (esp with the drinking). That is how you dump someone you love. It is going to hurt. So do what you need to help YOUR feelings. No one knows what is on his mind. You can speculate all you want but it doesn't change the outcome.

I'd take what he said on face value because you will drive yourself bonkers trying to find anything behind his motive. He doesn't want a relationship right now. And you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is conflicted about an ex. Take care of you as best as you can.
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:36 PM
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Originally Posted by JW123 View Post

....So here I am devastated. He really is the man I love. I don't understand why, if he loves me so much that he wants "time out" and oh "he cant guarantee anything". Where does that leave me? How can someone share such a deep connection with another person - and we do - can he walk away needing to heal.

I am so broken. Obsessed by the special times.

Heaven help me.
JW..

My XAGF/XAW(we dated and lived together for 7ish years) did the exact same thing with me. For me, I struggled with the same thoughts and questions that I am sure you are experiencing right now like, "How could someone who 'loves' me just end things so quickly?". This one was the hardest, and still is, for me questions. Here is what has helped me work through it (and I still am..), and perhaps it can help you: Alcoholics are messed up and confused people. Left untreated, they are selfish, selfish, selfish, and weak people. Did I say selfish? We all deserve better.

As much as we love them, they love the bottle more. Otherwise they would have gotten better, right? It is not like you didn't try I am sure. You did your best but it wasn't enough. Move on. If he loves you, once he gets his act together he can get in touch with you somehow. Real love knows no boundaries.

I have accepted the fact that the person I loved was not really there. Know I am going to search my own soul, work my stuff out, and move on and find a person who will love and respect me just I do them. I wish my ex the best and know that that is all I can give them: my best wishes.

One last thing: NO CONTACT. It will only make things easier on you.
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:41 PM
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I am sorry for your pain. I can't think of anything else to say. I hope you find healing and do not let this person hurt you again.
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Old 12-01-2010, 04:06 AM
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Well an update. I have been surrounded by my girlfriends who are all amazing. Anyway last night ABF text messaged me saying he hoped that I was ok and that he was thinking of me. I ignored the message. Two hours later he texted again saying that he thought we were going to at least still talk to each other. I dont know - thank goodness I was with my friends all of whom have told me to give him his space and let him see what true SPACE is all about. I have NEVER known anything like this. This push pull thing is absolutely confusing. I am focusing on myself now and have realised how I do like control and things to go my way - so I need to work on ME. Am thinking that he is "just keeping me there"....or "really does love me"......"or is controlling".........."or is depressed"..........from excuse to reality, excuse to reality.
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Old 12-01-2010, 04:49 AM
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Good for you JW! I am so glad you have such great friends. Try to maintain no contact for as long as you can. There are a few people here who are doing the same. It's hard but you can do it!
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Old 12-01-2010, 11:00 AM
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Ahah. JW, just ignoring him ONCE has yielded some very important information: though he doesn't want the relationship, he still wants to "talk" (i.e. he still wants you dangling on the end of a string, awaiting his pleasure).
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