am i in love with an alcoholic?
 

i have had a relationship for over two years with a very intelligent woman. my work takes me around the world and she had travelled with me several times. she is 110 pounds. she enjoys usually 2 martinis everyday straight up and often takes a grand marnier to bed with her. this is a long distance relation ship separated by the coasts.
because i travel and i am newly divorced i need a lot of emotional feed back and support which is very difficult to get.. a thank you for picking up something special in my travels, a kind note or email, more often it is insult diguissed in light bantering.
her emotions, in the sequence of most shown or expressed are anger, then excitement for getting a drink then maybe caring. i use to think that her "its all about me attitude" was because she was a ***, but truthfully she is very very down to earth person, not wanting for much of anything.. in fact i consider her the (los angeles ****** goddess!)

With a woman i need some emotions of love and caring returned and it is only recently that I realized that her lack of it, may simply not be her personality but rather the signs that she is truly an functioning alcoholic. I do not think there s a day that goes by she doesnt drink, ive never seen it.

sadly she told me once she told her adult kids 19 /21 that she doesnt want to she any empty bottles around... there are other comments and signs which indicate putting booze on top of her priority..

am i wrong in my acessment? 2 martinis a day whether its 6 or 8 oz.. is the equivalent of 8-12 drinks a day..

any help in what i should do would be well appreciated

thank you

keith

Hey Keith,

Emotional distance can be a sign of a drinking problem, but it could just as easily be a personality matter.

Alcoholism cannot be measured by the amount of alcohol consumed, but the effect that any alcohol has. Two martinis a day plus drinks in the evening might be cruising above the Surgeon General's recommendations, but that is not exceptionally problematic in itself. And two martinis is not 8-12 drinks, 2-4 depending on how they're made.

My advice would just be to stick to the facts that you do have on hand:

1. The emotional support you want, you're not getting.
2. She has a few drinks everyday and you're concerned.

There's not going to be any peace for you unless you speak to her about it. Trying to put together disparate clues and making guesses is not the way to peace of mind.

hi keith-

hard to tell from what you've shared, really. i don't think two maritinis and a grand marnier at the end of the day makes an alcoholic. you'd find out soon enough if you lived with her for a couple of weeks. since you are separated by coasts, she could be drinking a lot more when you're not around.

at the end of the day, tho, it doesn't matter. if your emotional needs aren't being met in the relationship, then that's enough, no?

Drinkers lie about how much they drink, because initially they know it has gotten away from them.
I agree with Naive, in that she may not be being honest about her consumption...
I also agree with Isaiah, in that it kind of does not matter. If you are not getting what you need, and if she is someone that you are wondering about in terms of why she is not emotionally available, then it does not matter why.
Ask yourself this: If you found out that she had a drinking problem, and that she was in bad shape, out of control, what would that change?
Would you then feel like her behavior is acceptable, excusable, or more tolerable?

Coming from experience, let me say that alcohol was definitely A REASON for my being treated badly by my A BF, but it was no good excuse.

He is sober, now, and with that comes the dawning, or re emergence of more and complex issues about WHY he drank so much. He is emotionally, psychologically unstable. We have a child of 5 years, with a total of 9 years invested. HE still acts like an ***hole many times, and that cannot be explained away.

I think you need to ask what you are getting from the situation, and at the risk of sounding cliched, try to remember that, even though you are going through pain and transition, there are so many other fish in the sea.

Good luck to you.

keith
Is she an alcoholic? It's hard to say from what you wrote and there could be so much more there that you don't see. I think a more important question is....."Is this a good relationship for you?" And only you can answer that.

gentle hugs

thanks for your reply.... the martinis are straight up no vermouth

i suppose i am trying to balance things ad make sure i am absolutely right... i dont want to give up on her,because we have shared so many wonderful experiences in a few short years....

i began to make a connection as i saw more and more of her angry side come out, at the same time i yearn for some kind gestures for things ive done or support ive given her

im the first one to say we all are growing and being divorced for a short time i have a lot to learn.... i do know though, i want love in return and it starts with kindness. intermitttent anger she shows is shutting me down.

basically she puts away about 16 oz of straight vodka when im with her, plus

when i question our relationship and what i need in return ( a note,a call a kind thought etc) it ends up with her getting angry and sometimes twisiting the table... she is very intelligent witty anda quick thinker... does that tend to show a manipulator as well?

who knows... i welcome more comments

thank you

It it walks like a duck.........
 

It's not the quantity (although alcoholics typically lie) it's what happens after the alcohol is in one's system. I'm a recovering alcoholic and that sounds like me before I got sober -- absolutely had to have my drinks, lots of long distance affairs, self-centered, self-willed in the extreme.

But what's most important is that it doesn't sound like this is the right woman for you. That you see that and make your decisions on that fact alone.