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new here, "boyfriend" in detox...long

Old 11-28-2010, 10:01 AM
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new here, "boyfriend" in detox...long

I have been seeing this guy since June. Its been pretty casual, as we are both recently divorced and not sure what we are ready for. We got along great, spent about 4 nights a week together, and really talked about everything...or so I thought! I knew he had some drug issues and didn't really drink. He even went to AA for awhile in September and tried to be sober.

I am not sober. I drink occassionally and we even did coke together 2 times in the last 6 months. His issue has always been pills, but since we werent "really" dating and I dont know much about addiction I didn't really push it. He would give me a xanax or another pill when I was super stressed and couldnt sleep.

Fast forward to thanksgiving day. We spent the day together, went to a movie. I wanted to leave in the evening, kinda wanted to be with a group of friends and have a glass of wine and some pumpkin pie. He was acting wierd and didnt want to be alone. So I stayed. This is where it turns to the worse thanksgiving ever. He had a seizure on me. I thought he was dead. Called the ambulance, went to the hospital. Thought he might have taken something, but wasnt sure.

He has no real family or friends other than a cousin, after about 3 hours at the hospital. His cousin came in told him he didnt want him to die and told him to get into rehab. I was a little surprised. I knew he had some issues, but they never seemed out of control (you know, before the whole, him almost dying on me...) I left to let them figure it out.

He called me a few hours later, said he was checking into a detox. that he was thankful i was there that i saved his life. he apologized for lying and treating me bad and understood if i didnt want to talk to him anymore. I told him this was all about him getting better who knew where we would be but that i was there for him and proud of him.

This rehab he is in, he can call me everyday, and i can call there. he keeps calling telling me how much he misses me. He was taking Norco, about 10 a day, and is now on suboxen (???) He says its good and he feels better, but has alot of work to do. He is hoping htey dont take his license away from the seizure so he can do an outpatient program.

I am going to see him today. my friends say i should run. i just feel bad, i care about him and he has no family. am i just being codependent?
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barb dwyer (11-28-2010)
Old 11-28-2010, 01:06 PM
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I sincerely hope your bf stays on the path of sobriety and choose recovery and stays the course. Best wishes to him - recovery is all upto him.

I am recently separated from my AH and we have 2 kids together. So, having gone thru the drama and issues that go hand in hand with addiction - I would say the same as your friends - run..

Of course, the decision is yours to make. Please get educated about addiction and follow your head and heart. Not just your heart and emotions.
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Old 11-28-2010, 03:13 PM
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JayneCali

You wrote "I am not sober. I drink occassionally and we even did coke together 2 times in the last 6 months. His issue has always been pills, but since we werent "really" dating and I don't know much about addiction I didn't really push it. He would give me a xanax or another pill when I was super stressed and couldnt sleep."

Many people are in relationships that are unhealthy. It is often difficult to see how detrimental the relationship really is, when a person is in the middle of it. You, my dear, are in an unhealthy relationship for both your BF and yourself. Unfortunately, in the long run the two of you will end up feeding off of each other's addictions.

Addiction means always having to say you are sorry and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone. Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past, and it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past.

First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. Addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances. The
fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress.

You each need to run in opposite directions!

Willingness comes from the pain, the healing comes from the steps.

Step 1. Surrender
Step 2. Sanity
Step 3. Serenity

There is a difference between “relief” and “recovery”.

Steps 1-3 bring relief
Steps 4-9 bring recovery..
Steps 10-12 maintain it…

Steps 6 & 7:

Step 6 Be willing, Be ready and let God do the work

Step 7 Humbly ask (acknowledge who I am in relation to God)

The steps to recovery is one day at a time that is meant to be worked with another and with God.

*******************************
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Old 11-28-2010, 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted by JayneCali View Post
i just feel bad, i care about him and he has no family. am i just being codependent?
Feeling bad for someone is not a good reason to continue a relationship. Being the only person in a friendless orphans life is no reason to continue a relationship.

Caring about him isn't even really a good reason to continue a relationship. You need to care about yourself. Care enough about yourself to choose a relationship because it is postively enhancing an already great life. You don't mention what your wants, needs, desires, future plans, etc. are but think very carefully if this guy is meeting them now or if he is capable of meeting them in the future based on the facts for today. If he isn't then it begs the question of why continue to date him regardless of if he is Mr. Wonderful or Mr. Dysfunctional.

Facts of today because you don't get to count what he is like if he is Mr. Recovered Poster Boy because that is not who he is today. We don't have any crystal balls. We only know what is true today and yesterday and that is what we need to base our decisions on.
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wicked (11-28-2010)
Old 11-28-2010, 08:34 PM
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thanks. its been a rough few days, and seeing him in detox today was certainly not easy. I dont know much about addiction, but I hurt for him. he is lost and wants to be better and i dont know if he is clinging to me because he cares or because he is afraid of me leaving.

we never defined our relationship, it wasn't overly healthy, i think we were both lonely and enjoyed eachother. i used drugs on a fairly regular basis a decade ago, and only did this summer with him because he had them. I really didnt know he was using regularly, or struggling with this.

today he wants me to be his girlfriend. i told him i wasn't sure if that was good for him, that i care about him and want him to focus on himself and be successful in recovery. i didnt go into much more. he was crying and apologizing for taking me for granted. honestly, i should run. but i'm sure i can, he has no one. I am going to try to be his friend. Sex and relationship is ridiculous to get into right now. so hopefully we can do this.

he gets out of detox tomorrow, and will be starting a 4 day a week out patient program. his cousin (his only family, who he lives with) thinks he should do in-patient and wants me to come over for dinner this week to discuss it with him. i'm not sure how my role is defined here, but i need to work on why i settle for these relationships...just bought the "codependent no more" book and another called "when things fall apart". Just hoping he is willing to have both of us work on ourselves instead of "us".
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Old 11-28-2010, 08:47 PM
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oh, and i just realized i posted this in FF of A not substance abusers, can a moderator move it?
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