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What do I say to my children?

Old 11-27-2010, 07:36 AM
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What do I say to my children?

I am new to this -- just started going to Al Anon meetings (it is really helping). After 25 year relationship with my AH, he has finally moved out and is not in recovery yet but says he is not drinking. My kids, ages 12 and 14 want me to allow him to come home. Yet, from what I am learning about enabling and MY ROLE in this, that is the worst thing I could allow right now. We have been doing the "move out - move in" thing for the past 6 months. The longest my AH has been able to stay sober is 2 weeks. It has been hell. I want to protect my kids from more hurt but I don't know how to explain to them that this is the best thing for all of us. They are starting to think that I am just being mean. Can you help with the right words?
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Old 11-27-2010, 07:59 AM
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Does your Alanon chapter have an Alateen group?
They are the right age for it.
Alanon suggests honesty above all with kids, but it starts really being healthy when dealing with preteens/teens.
They are at an age where they can grasp the tools and they "get" it.

My son is 5, and I have found that even with him, honesty allows him to really grasp things with the least psychological damage. If I do not tell him what is really going on, in 5 year old language, he will and he has internalized it all and blamed himself.

The fact that yours are the gae they are is on your side. Look up alateen books.
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Old 11-27-2010, 08:03 AM
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Welcome to SR. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this issue and the problems it brings with it to the entire family.

Glad to hear that you are attending Alanon meetings. Would the kids consider going to Alateen? Just as you are being helped by Alanon, they may received tremendous benefit knowing that they are not alone in dealing with an alcoholic parent. Particularly during those vunerable years, there is comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

When I am at a loss for words or need assistance with finding the right words, I pray. I put my trust in my HP to help me do the right thing or find the right words. It's part of my program of recovery that really helps me. When I can't or don't trust myself, I turn it over to my HP......I trust him/her/it (note: the him/her/it is done for everyone else who may be reading this but does not necessarily reflect my personal belief system.)

This is a really difficult time for your family. I hope that you'll find extra support from all of the wonderful people here on SR who have walked the path of loving the A in their lives.

gentle hugs
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Old 11-27-2010, 08:04 AM
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Al ATEEN is the best for the children. Please be up front and honest with your children, they do get that something is wrong. I have two young ones 9&8, and trust me they understand totally what is going on...use it as CHOCOLATE as an example...being addicted to it, they crave it, and dont know why...they just gotta have it...and in the mist of all that, they are lost because the craving and addiction is so strong...its a disease, and we are powerless over that...
3 c's
1. you did not cause it
2. you can control it
3. you can not cure it
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Old 11-27-2010, 08:07 AM
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Hi opportunity. to Sober Recovery (SR). I am so glad you are going to Al-Anon. Al-Anon literally saved my life. And changed it too. For the better. Much better.

What immediately came to my mind when reading your post was that people, and especially kids, need stability, predictability, and boundaries. I am an adult child of an alcoholic father and from my perspective, looking back, I see that I did not have those things growing up in an alcoholic home. And I believe that not having those things growing up has affected me tremendously.

Here on SR we likely every day say to one another, "Look at the behavior, not the words." Usually, we are referring to the alcoholic. But I think it goes both ways. The action you are taking to remove the sickness from your and your children's lives sounds like the healthier choice to me. Your children may not be able to understand this or understand what is best for them. You may want to look into Alateen for them.

Sorry I am unable to answer your question. I hope something I have said here is helpful.
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Old 11-27-2010, 10:14 AM
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As suggested by others, Alateen would be a wonderful support for them. If they like to read, there are books on dealing with alcoholism/addiction in families for teens.

My DS06 keeps begging for me to let daddy to come home. I tell him kindly but firmly that it is not going to happen. When he asks why, I tell him his daddy made a decision and I made a decision based on that. I am trying to do what is best for our family.
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Old 11-27-2010, 10:22 AM
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I think the best words my mother ever spoke to me regarding my father's alcoholism was 1. He has a disease and 2. It is not my fault (and has nothing to do with me). She never spoke about him in a derogatory manner, never called him names in front of us, never complained about him to us, and taught us how to respect him even though he was an alcoholic. She focused on his BEHAVIOR, and not his worth as a person, a man, or a husband.
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