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help me understand my exah's thinking

Old 11-26-2010, 01:56 PM
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help me understand my exah's thinking

I have been separated from my AH for three weeks now. Today was my day with my son. My AH's family is in town and mom in law wanted to get all the grandkids together for a picture at a local photography studio. I told my AH I would take our son to the photo shoot so I could see his sisters and their families. So I go and he shows up too. In past years when we had the picture taken, he wouldn't go, but this year he decides to. Why? Why didn't he or any of his family suggest that he not be there since I was going to be there? I held it together until the end when I hugged my nieces and nephews good bye and am still crying. He never looked at me or said hi, I didn't say hi either though. His family is very anti dealing with feelings kind of people. They have never dealt with emotions very well, always pretending everything is ok. And his sisters have been buying him furniture and things for his house. He's 41 years old and still needs to be taken care of! I was supposed to go out to dinner with my aunt and uncle, dad and his girlfriend, but also found out my AH was going to the same place with his sister and husband. My son wants to have a friend over for the night, so I am just going to stay home. Sometimes it is too hard to pretend everything is all happy when you feel so crummy..... Help me understand, please....
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Old 11-26-2010, 02:16 PM
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First of all, I'm sorry that he was there when you took your son for photos.

As for understanding his thinking, or the thinking of any of his family, who knows?

It isn't going to change what is, regardless of what could possibly be understood.

I have learned that to expect common courtesy/consideration from an active alcoholic or dysfunctional family members is just setting me up for pain and resentment.

I'm sorry you are hurting, dear. Sending you gentle hugs on the Kansas breezes.
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Old 11-26-2010, 03:09 PM
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Hugs from here, too. That sounds positively awful.

But you know what's not awful?

1) You are separated.
2) You can see that it's messed up that a 41-year-old needs his relatives to help him with things that for any adult should be something one can handle on one's own.
3) You made a choice for tonight that means taking care of yourself rather than doing what others expect of you.

Those are three really, really good things.
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Old 11-26-2010, 03:10 PM
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I have never been able to figure out why the hell active alcoholics and addicts do the things they do. I have never understood their reasoning or their behavior much past "Because he is a practicing alcoholic/addict and they are sick." A few years back, my XA&ABF dumped me without a word, had a two-month sexual relationship with his just-deceased lifelong best friend's wife during which he reported to me he "****** her like a racehorse every single day, several times a day" and then, the very day she dumped him for some other guy he called me to tell me how much he loved me, how I was the ONLY woman for him, and can he move back in? THIS is the way they think and it is way beyond my abilities to figure out why they think this way. Have you read the Floyd Garrett articles? If you google his name, it will take you to his website and there are some really good articles in there that helped me put this kind of thing into perspective.

My question for you is, what lesson did you learn for yourself here? For me, at some stage it might have been, "In order to maintain my sanity I must avoid him like the plague and therefore do not go places where his family will be." These are hard lessons to learn, and yes it is very difficult to "give up" people from your life who you consider your family, but if we do not take the time to learn the lessons, they will return to us until we do learn them. (I'm not saying that's what you should do, I'm just saying that is a lesson I have learned personally. I'm sure there are other alternatives to this situation that will work for you). I am a slow learner and it normally takes me several tries before I get this stuff through my thick skull.

(((hugs))) jackthedog. Give yourself a reward tonight for being the trooper that you are! It will get easier.
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Old 11-26-2010, 03:18 PM
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perhaps he went because he wanted to see you? that would be my guess. and perhaps he probably wanted you to see he wasn't drunk.

all that aside though, it's not fair play to sabatage you like that. he could have told you that he planned on attending. i doubt that it slipped his mind, it would appear to be a deliberate ommission for whatever his secret agenda is.

i wouldn't spend much time trying to figure it out; it's just another crummy inconsiderate thing to add to the bonfire.
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Old 11-26-2010, 03:28 PM
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I feel so much better reading your posts, you don't know how much it means to me. It amazes me how perfect strangers can be so caring and someone you are married to can be so mean. I am at peace staying home with my son and his buddy, went to the store and bought ice cream, snacks, chicken wings and dr. pepper for the boys.

I agree to just stay away from him and his family. They don't want to shut me out but I think I have to set some boundaries with them too. His mother told me a week ago when I talked to her that she expected me to be at Thanksgiving dinner, since she and her ex made an effort to be together at holidays after their divorce, "for the children" and the children were adults when they divorced and they didn't like it when their parents were together like that. I told her I couldn't be around him because he wasn't good for my soul.

I am proud of myself for how I handled the decision to stay home. When my aunt called me just before they left for dinner she tried to convince me to go anyways, but I told her that is one way to deal with it, but this is my way to deal with it.

And what about our son? When will people think about him? Don't they think it was hard for him to see his parents not talking to one another?

I took the dog for a walk in the freezing cold and called my best friend so I have done all I can do for now I guess.

thanks everyone!
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Old 11-26-2010, 03:31 PM
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Way to go jackthedog!!! You are doing EXCELLENT!! So glad you are feeling better.
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Old 11-26-2010, 03:44 PM
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Good for you!

So what are the overnight plans? Are the boys into watching movies? I miss having a kiddo at home to pop popcorn with and watch a good movie.

I've got a few scary ones in queue on my Netflix account because my youngest never like the horror flicks.

Cold evening, hot popcorn, big old glass of Pepsi and a movie!
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Old 11-26-2010, 03:53 PM
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The boys are 13, into xbox and playing football and watching football, but now his buddy is not spending the night so maybe later my son and I will watch a movie. I am off to the basement to clean it out some more and get the Christmas decorations out. Then a good book in a warm bed with my dogs!
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Old 11-26-2010, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by jackthedog View Post
The boys are 13, into xbox and playing football and watching football, but now his buddy is not spending the night so maybe later my son and I will watch a movie. I am off to the basement to clean it out some more and get the Christmas decorations out. Then a good book in a warm bed with my dogs!
Oh I can relate to a good book, warm bed, and dogs! I got myself the book "Eat, Love, & Pray" recently, and that is exactly what I do every night! Even though the dogs help keep me toasty, I've also been using the heating pad on my lower back for pain relief.
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Old 11-26-2010, 05:27 PM
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He took away your feeling of being safe by showing up unannounced.

You are in your home now, surrounded by your sweet dogs and your son whom you love. You are safe again.

We need to be in safe places emotionally. You can't feel safe around him right now. I know and understand, it is the response to trauma when we've had enough, even if we contributed.

Be good to YOU!
Easier said that done...but crucial.
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Old 11-26-2010, 06:06 PM
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Originally Posted by brokenheartfool View Post
He took away your feeling of being safe by showing up unannounced.
Wow!!!! This hit me hard and right on! It made me cry so fast, which is good, not bad. He did exactly that! I do feel unsafe around him, physically, emotionally and mentally.
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Old 11-26-2010, 06:33 PM
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And one more thing...what he was thinking doesn't matter. If he wants to share what he was thinking with you, then fine, if you WANT to hear it. Otherwise, just concern yourself with what you were FEELING.

He may have missed you and wanted to see you. He may have been curious--did she lose weight, get a new haircut, does she look better without me? Whatever he was thinking, it isn't worth the effort to even imagine as I just did above.
If he has anything of any importance to say to you, he'll just plain SAY IT.
Until then, we should never hold our breath waiting for what may never come.
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Old 11-26-2010, 06:44 PM
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I do look better without him actually, more people have commented on that, so I am grateful for that, whether he noticed or not!
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Old 11-26-2010, 07:07 PM
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giggles.
Nothing bad comes of looking good!
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Old 11-26-2010, 07:29 PM
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