Detaching is hard. Period.

Old 11-24-2010, 04:06 PM
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Quote (( I do need to detach because I am suddenly feeling very unimportant in his life and now the tears start. )))

If he has an alcohol problem and in rehab, you are NOT the most important part of his life right now. His brain and body are in a state of flux and he probably is clinging to what is immediately in front of him, like a life raft in a stormy sea.

Then look at your past together, when you certainly came down the importance scale for him, and booze came in first, second and third place.

If you can't detach with love, and God knows I have tried and failed, then try detaching with patience, forgiveness or out of desperation, anything that helps.

I finally decided I didn't want to be important to my A, and share that spot with a bottle of beer. I am a darn sight better than a bottle of beer.
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Old 11-24-2010, 04:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
Its really the sadness of not going on, what he is doing or how he is. Is he even thinking about me? Will things be good when he reaches out to me? (which he will when they let him) Is he going to be different?
I don't think they think about us in recovery as much as we think about them. Recovery is by nature self-absorbed, and I hear you...it's not knowing that is the real killer. No closure, just confusion and uncertainty. Not knowing where you stand, or how he'll feel about you once he goes through these changes.

My RABF was like this earlier in his recovery, barely contacted me even when he could, just kind of kept me there, waiting in the wings. Said he wanted a future together at times, but never backed it up with actions, said he didn't know what he wanted at times because he didn't know himself and couldn't be sure of what he wanted in a partner, but was just afraid of losing me in the process and it being too late once he came out of the fog, blah, blah, blah. It was hell, sickening, his brain was a MESS, and I MOVED ON!

Then, after his 4-5th steps he got a much better grip on himself and his motives, and realized that he did want to be together 100%. I guess he needed that time to get a sense of who he really is, and to make sure that his motives were healthy, and to figure out what he really wanted as a new, sober person. He is a much different person now than he was in those days, and completely supportive and available. It's still kinda scary though...

I guess my point is this exact thing might happen to you, and you have to decide if you really want it once and if it does. You've already said he will contact you once he's allowed to... I moved on because I felt exactly the way you do right now. Then, of course he came to me like an eager love-struck puppy dog only AFTER I had moved on...but, at least I know it's coming from a healthy place now, and that he waited and risked losing me until after he could be sure his motives were pure. And I had to think about what I wanted before accepting his commitment, because as you know, his is not a normal world...
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Old 11-24-2010, 06:04 PM
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No it isn't a normal world. And I have pulled back several times over the course of this relationship. He gave me a big talk months ago about not being able to be in a relationship. Ok, so I wished him well and said if he wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me. I meant it. He realized I meant it and did the love-puppy routine. So I hung in there. Practically begging me to stay in his life but it confused me. Ok I am in your life but you clearly don't know what to do with me. Things were getting slowly back on track, even through his relapse he did his best to stay responsive. When he got sober, he was wonderful again. Then he checked into the place he is in now.

I know he is confused and wants so much to have me in his life but still probably doesn't know what to do with me. If you've ever seen that movie 'the Gods Must Be Crazy' where that African bushman finds this empty cola bottle and has never seen it before and so he thinks it is a gift from the heavens and treats it like a sacred object but has no idea what it is or what to do with it... It is just a simple bottle. Our relationship is sort of like that at times.

But I know his brain is a mess. He has to clear it, fix it and only then can he figure out what to do with the bottle. I want him to figure it out and come to me also from a healthy and clear perspective. Cept the waiting is so hard.
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Old 11-24-2010, 06:15 PM
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HUGS Babyblue... !! whatever happens, remember its HP's will and for the highest good.
Also while dettaching, remember you'll have to dettach anyway at some point (even if it's a the time you leave this Earth). You'll have to let go of him, of everyone else, let go of your very life. In the end you'll have to let it ALL go. And this will just be a blink in the Grand Scheme of Things

Have you looked at the Hubble images? they always help to give me some perspective
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Old 11-24-2010, 06:17 PM
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Old 11-24-2010, 06:19 PM
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I will look at those image. I do have a healthy perspective and was trying to figure out where all those feelings I have come from and then I realized, it was what had happened to me before when I was 'seeing' him (years ago). He moved away (pre-drinking problems) and promised to keep in touch but he didn't. Nor did I frankly. But we were young and it was just one of those things that didn't go as I had hoped but I remember feeling a sense of loss that he had to move away. Now he is gone..... again.

Deja vu.
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Old 11-24-2010, 06:24 PM
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Get "the Grief club" by melody beatty.... it has several exercises about loss, changes/abandonment...... I have benefited from that book so much......

Hope you feel better soon. At night things look much worse.
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Old 11-24-2010, 06:30 PM
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I need some advice on detaching or letting go as some may say from my wife who I'm going through a divorce with. I can't just elimanate all contact as we have two kids together. I'm still stuck on her but I honestly just want to let go already. Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks in advance.
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Old 11-24-2010, 07:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
I will look at those image. I do have a healthy perspective and was trying to figure out where all those feelings I have come from and then I realized, it was what had happened to me before when I was 'seeing' him (years ago). He moved away (pre-drinking problems) and promised to keep in touch but he didn't. Nor did I frankly. But we were young and it was just one of those things that didn't go as I had hoped but I remember feeling a sense of loss that he had to move away. Now he is gone..... again.

Deja vu.
Not the first time? Are you sure you want this? I don't know how long your RABF has been drinking, or how many relapses he's had total, but I know you've already lived through one, and it's put you back at square 1 in your relationship. And what happens after rehab? I'm not sure I'd necessarily leave my RABF if he had one short relapse (would depend on the particulars I guess)...but I WILL leave in a heartbeat if he ever pushes me away again like he did in early recovery, or if he decides to use again.

I also told him, "this will not be the YOU show forever, the time is coming for it to be the ME show, and I want someone to take care of ME and make ME feel special." Not a threat, just honest about what i want, and I will walk if he becomes so narcissistic again, that's not what I envision when I dream of romance. And he gets it, and is working really hard.

However, none of this would be happening if he wasn't better equipped to deal with emotions than he was early on in recovery. I don't walk on eggshells, and he has learned some coping tools. We both give to a healthy extent, and honestly discuss what we want and need without holding back. This is the only way it can work IMO, and boy he came around JUST in time...I was actively seeking other people to casually date (this helps me move on...lol).

You can't have a relationship with someone who is not psychologically capable, or, when you feel like you have to hold back your own needs because the RA is too fragile. Also, I think addicts work and milk the recovery situation to their advantage as much as and for as long as possible...being responsible for YOUR feelings is, well...a responsibility, and recovery is a free pass for them in regards to this.

I'd move on, date other people perhaps (nothing too heavy, just to get your mind off of him, and get a sense of what it's like to spend time with someone normal). I didn't go no contact because I didn't want him out of my life, but I DID stop taking and/or responding to calls and texts in a timely fashion. Too bad, I was busy with other potential mates...lol. Do go no contact if you must though...
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Old 11-24-2010, 07:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
No it isn't a normal world. And I have pulled back several times over the course of this relationship. He gave me a big talk months ago about not being able to be in a relationship. Ok, so I wished him well and said if he wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me. I meant it. He realized I meant it and did the love-puppy routine. So I hung in there. Practically begging me to stay in his life but it confused me. Ok I am in your life but you clearly don't know what to do with me. Things were getting slowly back on track, even through his relapse he did his best to stay responsive. When he got sober, he was wonderful again. Then he checked into the place he is in now.

I know he is confused and wants so much to have me in his life but still probably doesn't know what to do with me. If you've ever seen that movie 'the Gods Must Be Crazy' where that African bushman finds this empty cola bottle and has never seen it before and so he thinks it is a gift from the heavens and treats it like a sacred object but has no idea what it is or what to do with it... It is just a simple bottle. Our relationship is sort of like that at times.

But I know his brain is a mess. He has to clear it, fix it and only then can he figure out what to do with the bottle. I want him to figure it out and come to me also from a healthy and clear perspective. Cept the waiting is so hard.
The similarities really are spot on, give or take a little, LO.L
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Old 11-24-2010, 11:38 PM
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I meant that he had left my life for other reasons not having to do with relapse or problems when we were in our 20s. We were not serious at all but I still missed him terribly when he had to move away. He did not have a drinking problem then and was sober when we reconnected later on.

The relapse was a huge eye opener and in a way brought us closer. But to his credit he realized that he had to really commit to recovery in a big way. Sadly that meant being focused on that, tucked away some place for a lonnng time.

I know it is going to have to be about ME more. It is that realization that I am sitting with right now. I get NOTHING out of this at this point. Just some memories and if I'm lucky, maybe a phone call? I do want to stay supportive but I'm finding it difficult right now because it has finally 'sunk' in about the seriousness of his illness and that he will be away.

And yes if I meet someone else, I probably won't get into anything deep but having someone to be attentive would sure be nice for a change!
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Old 11-25-2010, 12:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
I meant that he had left my life for other reasons not having to do with relapse or problems when we were in our 20s. We were not serious at all but I still missed him terribly when he had to move away. He did not have a drinking problem then and was sober when we reconnected later on.
Oooooooh, OK that's a bit of a different story then. I thought you had gone through this same thing with his addiction years ago...

It seems like the more absent they are during early recovery, the more focused they are on working their program the right way. It sucks for us though, and I just remember thinking during those long periods of no or minimal contact, 'why the hell doesn't he just let me go?'

Yes, YOU YOU YOU! I know this is easier said than done! My heart really does go out to you because I know exactly what you are feeling. Who knows what the future holds, but I'm sure you know that despite how you feel right now things will get a lot better. xoxo
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Old 11-25-2010, 07:00 AM
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Originally Posted by nicam View Post
I don't think they think about us in recovery as much as we think about them. Recovery is by nature self-absorbed, and I hear you...it's not knowing that is the real killer. No closure, just confusion and uncertainty. Not knowing where you stand, or how he'll feel about you once he goes through these changes.

My RABF was like this earlier in his recovery, barely contacted me even when he could, just kind of kept me there, waiting in the wings. Said he wanted a future together at times, but never backed it up with actions, said he didn't know what he wanted at times because he didn't know himself and couldn't be sure of what he wanted in a partner, but was just afraid of losing me in the process and it being too late once he came out of the fog, blah, blah, blah. It was hell, sickening, his brain was a MESS, and I MOVED ON!

...
I can relate to this almost verbatim...........and yes I moved on, but in my case, won't ever look back!
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Old 11-25-2010, 07:30 AM
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BB,

When My A was in rehab it was torture. LOL. It was hard for him, and I felt guilty for being at home going through my own pain.
I wrote EVERYTHING DOWN.
I wrote a letter to him and edited it 20 times, I made sure all the language was I feel language. I made sure I gave him support and acknowledgement for his work. And then I also wrote my fears, my angers. I tried to leave the past out of it, with a plan for MYSELF going forward.
I ended up not giving him the full letter. I read him parts of it, as they came up in our everyday stuff.
What the letter, the whole 22 day process did for me, ultimately, though, was it gave me clarity...about what I wanted. what I did not want anymore of. It gave ME a MAP, as to where I want to go from this point forward. Then, I think it really gave him some perimeters, also, because I have been much more clear on what is or isn't acceptable to me.
I really did focus on me, and it helped to lessen the anxiety.
You said "my BF, if he is even that anymore" And I wonder if that means whether HE will feel like he is your boyfriend when he comes out, or whether YOU feel he is your boyfriend when he comes out.
What I did with my process in writing the letter was, I stated to myself, clearly that I was ready to move on if things did not work out. I have no control over what he comes to realize or want, but I can get clear about what I want or dont.
When he did come home, I said, "I am open to what this turns into of its own...I am watching and waiting. I have my limits, and my plan. If you move on, or if I move on, I want there to be honesty about it."

This is just some stuff that worked for me. While my A was in rehab, I really got clear on some things, and I was so happy to not have the chaos everyday, the worry, the wondering...I felt so happy that he was cloistered away, I tok that time to get happy with calm, and resolved that I wanted that more than I wanted him, at any rate.
He has been up and down, struggling, and I have been able to MOSTLY retain my serenity, but it will not be without bumps.
He may not entirely accept the program. He may not succeed.
You can only have control over what you do and how you act in response to that, or on your own.
It is really very empowering if you can use writing to get very clear about what you really need, want and wont accept anymore.
Try to focus on how good it is to be without that chaos, and use this time to strengthen your self.
I hope it gets better, I kow how tough it is, it is like being stranded...in suspended reality.
my thoughts are with you. Have a good day!
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Old 11-25-2010, 01:06 PM
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It is good to know he is somewhere safe, focusing on getting better. Good to know he hasn't given up on himself or sobriety. I also know that there is no chance of a healthy anything until he stays sober and productive outside of treatment.

I am going to try not to focus on the unknowns and keep reminding myself of the things I just listed. Being held in suspension like this is hard. Do I write letters as a friend only? Still be all lovey dovey? I have no clue. Then last night I had an epiphany! I said 'who cares! I am just going to be who I want to be and unless he says otherwise I am going to still express myself with him how I have been this whole time with understanding love and compassion'. If he can't handle it, it is his issue, not mine.

Just gotta keep on keepin on.
All your feedback has been so helpful btw. Glad to know my feelings about this are common. It is like being in suspension, or put up on some dusty shelf. But only if I ALLOW that to happen. I am not going to.
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