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Boundaries for my kids

Old 11-23-2010, 12:13 PM
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Boundaries for my kids

Up until last night I thought my kids were safe spending time with my AH for a few hours in the evenings with him not drinking (well to him that just means one or two--I can smell it usually, but he says he isn't drinking). Then last night I show up to pick up my 2 year old. The five year old was going to stay the night (I ended up taking her with me). When I get there he is asleep (or passed out--who knows) on the couch and a bit hard to wake up. The house is trashed because he hasn't cleaned it at all since I left two months ago and my son is running around with a board with nails sticking out of it. I have no idea where he got it from, but it scared the sh** out of me. I confronted AH about it and he just retorted that it wasn't his board, that I left him and now I expect him to be perfect, and that it is not like I have never fallen asleep while watching the kids (true, everyone has, but the house was always at least kid proof and I am easily awoken--because I am not intoxicated). He also hadn't given the kids dinner and it was eight pm. I know I am not being unreasonable to think he should be supervising them during the three hours he has them and stay awake to be with them and to think the house should be clean and safe if they are going to be there. Now I don't know what to do. I really want my kids to continue having a relationship with him, but they need to be safe. Any ideas on some good, clear boundaries to set for visitation. I don't want to have to say supervised visits only so I want to try some "rules" first, but I don't know where to start. I NEED to keep my kids safe first and foremost.
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Old 11-23-2010, 12:23 PM
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How do you set rules for him in his own house?
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Old 11-23-2010, 12:28 PM
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i would remove my kids from that environment asap. maybe you can suggest that he come to your house for a visit. he is trying to make excuses why things were in disarray. he was drinking and clearly didn't give a dam what happened to the kids. my AH does this all time. he will get angry at me for something stupid he did because he doesn't want to face up to making a mistake because of the drink...... he forgot to pick me up at work because he passed out. when he got there, somehow he found a reason to blame me for it. you have little ones and you need to think about them first. if he gets mad, so be it.
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Old 11-23-2010, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
How do you set rules for him in his own house?
I guess I can't. I was more thinking of ways he could see them not at the house. Like visits to the park or see them at this parents house only (they live upstairs). Just looking for how others have handled visitation with the A fathers of their children.
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Old 11-23-2010, 01:32 PM
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I have thought of this too...

If AH and I ever got divorced I have played this scene in my head over and over again as he has done this in the past. Just drink two beers while watching our kids before I get home. You arent' alone. Is there anyway to change the time he visits w/ the kids?

My AH only drinks at night or after 5pm. Knowing this I would have all visitation before then.

You must keep your kids safe. It got so bad with my AH that once I was stuck at the train station. I had a dead battery. After commuting an hour on the train from work to our local BART station I needed him to come and pick me up and jump our car. Well I could tell he had been drinking. He wanted to drive the boys! I said no call "AAA" and I will wait two hours but under no circumstances do your drive our babies while you have been drinking beer. Just writing this brings back so many negative feelings...hatred, resentment.

You are the only mother they have and it is your job to keep them safe at all times.
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Old 11-23-2010, 01:34 PM
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I guess I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around any visitation at this point because his solution to spending time with his kids consisted of passing out while your son was running around with a board that had nails sticking out of it, and neither of your children had been given any supper by 8 pm.

Just what benefit do you think the children would have at this point in seeing their alcoholic father, the same one that I just described above, who couldn't feed them or even stay awake to watch them?
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Old 11-23-2010, 02:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
I guess I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around any visitation at this point because his solution to spending time with his kids consisted of passing out while your son was running around with a board that had nails sticking out of it, and neither of your children had been given any supper by 8 pm.

Just what benefit do you think the children would have at this point in seeing their alcoholic father, the same one that I just described above, who couldn't feed them or even stay awake to watch them?
Maybe I am making justifications for him, but since this is the first time anything like this has happened and he has been seeing them three days a week for two months now it seems a bit rash to cut off all visitation. I think for the last six months things have started to spiral downhill and I don't really know what to expect from him one day to the next. I feel like I am having to constantly make adjustments for his deteriorating behavior, but right now (today) I think they do benefit from seeing the man. I guess I just need to figure out a safe way for him to still see them. It is also really an issue I take personally because my father was a crack addict when I was growing up, but despite that since he always showed us love I would never wanted him out of my life. I want my kids to have a father in whatever capacity that is possible, but I also understand safety comes first.
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Old 11-23-2010, 02:10 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
well i'm curious, did he specifically ASK to have the children over at his place for three hours the other day? was that his idea? did he come pick them up, in a vehicle with 2 safe car seats, and then take them back to his place and then return them on time, every time? is he making a conscious, visible EFFORT to act like a parent in order to spend quality time with his two children?

he wouldn't even qualify for babysitter right now. i would not allow my children to stay in an unclean, unhealthy environment with ANYONE who was not watching them every minute, ensuring their safety, seeing that they are clean and fed. you are fortunate that no one was hurt, or wandered off.

he cannot be entrusted with a child's care. IMHO it's that simple. the kids certainly aren't benefiting from time spent with him.
He does pick the kids up from me as scheduled three days a week with car seats, yes and he does call them and ask to see them. I usually pick them up from him as that was the arrangement. I am not going to argue that he should be left alone with them in that house and I am not going to allow that anymore.
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Old 11-23-2010, 03:25 PM
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Supervised visits, to me, that's it for now.

If someone should call CS, this is a nightmare that you do not want to face.

An alcoholic doesn't understand rules, doesn't abide by rules. It is not because they don't want to, they just can't, the prusuit of a drink is their priorty.

Don't compromise your childrens welfare because you want to give your husband yet another chance to do the right thing. As long as he is drinking and not in recovery it is only going to get worse. Your children deserve better.
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Old 11-23-2010, 04:04 PM
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Your story reminds me of an incident that occurred here in San Antonio on May 19,2010.

The moment a bus driver nearly runs over a baby sitting in the middle of a major road

It was just after midnight when Mike Hubbard, on his usual bus route, noticed a mysterious shape wriggling on the road up ahead.

At first he thought the ghostly figure might be a dog, but as he approached, the San Antonio driver realised it was a baby wearing just a diaper.

After slamming on the brakes, Mr Hubbard immediately jumped out of his seat to investigate.

"'To me he looked like he was eight months old with a pamper, just sitting there. I couldn't tell if he was eating something or not. But, his eyes got real big when he saw the big old bus in front of him," Mr Hubbard said.

Then strangely, as the driver checked to see if the baby was alright, the child's father suddenly emerged, scooped up the infant and ran off.

The horrifying moment was captured by a camera on the dashboard of the bus.

Although the incident happened last May, video footage of the moment has only just emerged for use as evidence in a current child custody case.

The lucky baby is in fact a girl, identified as Destiny Flores, now aged two.

The local bus company VIA, which services San Antonio - the second largest city in the U.S. south central state of Texas - reported the incident to child protective services.

Destiny Flores' mother, Catherine Gonzalez, 25, and her husband are now fighting to retain custody of all three daughters.

The couple said they were in the living room when they heard a horn and the loud screeching sound of the bus braking suddenly.

Mrs Gonzalez insisted that they had no idea Destiny had escaped from the house.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

if you were the CPS (child protective services) caseworker, where would you start if you were given this case to investigate?

One can only hope with her parenting classes and some supervised visits they can get this family back together and past this.

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Old 11-23-2010, 04:36 PM
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I think I see what you are getting at Phoenix and I actually have a friend who lost her son for a year for failure to protect when her abusive boyfriend ended up being abusive towards her son. I don't want to lose them and even more than that I don't want them to end up getting hurt. I know full well my responsibilities to my children when it comes to letting my husband watch them and I really didn't until the other night see that they were at risk. I left him for his drinking in part to protect them from the daily effects of that and I guess I have had another big wake up call and I need to take it to another level. I guess I thought he could handle three hours...I was wrong. I am going to take the advice for supervised visits and any other good advice would still be appreciated. I think I will talk to his family about supervising so that they get a chance to see their grandkids more. Also I don't want to supervise because I am at a point in my own recovery that I need to stay away from the hooks of AH that keep me engaged...in order to detach I need space. I am also going to start documenting incidents and am going to photograph the condition of the house in case some kind of investigation or custody battle is in my future. Thanks everyone for being straight with me, sometimes we all need that.
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Old 11-23-2010, 04:49 PM
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Sounds like a plan, if you have confidence in the grandparents supervising the visits I am all for it, my grandparents were my saviors. I grew up in the home of alcoholics, my only refuge was my grandparents.Their input and support gave me the foundation I needed to move beyond the abuse of my childhood. For that, I am forever grateful!

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Old 11-23-2010, 04:55 PM
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My stomach is in knots from just reading your post.
This sounds like a very good plan to me:
I think I will talk to his family about supervising so that they get a chance to see their grandkids more. Also I don't want to supervise because I am at a point in my own recovery that I need to stay away from the hooks of AH that keep me engaged...in order to detach I need space. I am also going to start documenting incidents and am going to photograph the condition of the house in case some kind of investigation or custody battle is in my future.
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