Feeling Frustrated in AZ

Old 11-22-2010, 01:13 PM
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Sean718's Avatar
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Location: Tucson, AZ
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Feeling Frustrated in AZ

Here is my tale for the day:
I'm the husband of an alcoholic wife. Recently, in July, I started going to Al-anon. Things have started to turn around for me. I no longer feel that I'm a complete slave to her disease. Things are not getting better with her. We have been arguing less, but she's still resentful that I do to meetings instead of spending time with her. Normally I enjoy spending time with her, but recently, I've found that I don't really want to.

I'm feeling at the end of the rope in the relationship, but don't want it to end. I'm just tired of waiting for her to get back to sobriety.

Any ideas or comments from you would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 11-22-2010, 01:50 PM
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I can appreciate how tough that is, Sean.

My EXAH chose to go back to drinking/drugging the day he got out of rehab.

It broke my heart.

I had to walk away for my own sanity, safety, and sobriety.

He never did get clean/sober.

He died a few years ago, complications due to AIDS.

You are the only one who knows what your breaking point is.

I know I can no longer base my actions on what someone does/doesn't do.

Life is too short.

She may never get sober. Can you live with that?

Acceptance is a hard pill to swallow sometimes.

I'm sorry for your pain.
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Old 11-22-2010, 02:07 PM
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I agree with the previous poster. Only you know when you have had enough.

My (soon to be ex) AH is devastated that I am pursuing a divorce despite the fact that he has been sober for close to four months. He says, "if you had left me ten years ago, I would have gotten sober then." That tells me he's still not taking responsibility for his actions: It's my fault he didn't get sober earlier.

I lived for close to 20 years with an active alcoholic. I spent the last 5 years in Al-Anon. It made it possible for me to stay somewhat sane while living with an active alcoholic. Starting my recovery in Al-Anon meant that when the breaking point came, I had no doubt. I have no doubt. Nothing he can do or say would make me consider trying again. And that's the point I had to get to before I was willing to leave.

I don't have a broken heart. My heart broke many, many years ago. The only thing that bothers me is that I didn't leave years ago.

Lots of love to you. It's a hard road to travel. Whether you stay or leave.
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Old 11-22-2010, 02:23 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I don't have a broken heart. My heart broke many, many years ago. The only thing that bothers me is that I didn't leave years ago.
I think that is a common theme among many of us, the regret that we didn't leave sooner.

Today I can look back and be grateful for everything I have been through; I am who I am today because of those experiences.

I have laughed, loved, cried, and grieved.

Life has so much to offer each and every one of us.
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Old 11-22-2010, 02:48 PM
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I'm hearing you, Sean. I'm where you are...sometimes I'm disappointed when I see my AH's car in the driveway when I get home from work, because I like being by myself and not dealing with "it" --- but at the same time I'm thankful cuz it means he's not at the bar.

My AH has actually been doing a little better lately; meaning, he isn't drinking AS MUCH and not getting blitzed every day, but I'm afraid to get my hopes up because I know (despite his disputing) that it's only a matter of time before he starts back down that slippery slope.

I'm new here, so I'm not one to give advice, but I know that everyone will tell you it's great that you're going to Al-Anon. I haven't been for awhile, as the last time I went everyone was so sad because a regular attendee had committed suicide the night kind of threw me for a loop and I haven't been back since. But I've done lots of reading and through the years have learned how to detach, and I just don't deal with him or attempt a conversation when he's been drinking.

When he's sober it's so good that I'm not ready to give up yet...I've been married for 35 years and for the first 25 never had to deal with this, so it's really hard for me to throw in the towel, so to speak.

Just know that you aren't alone in your struggle, and as you know, the knowledge and perspectives of those on this site are invaluable.
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Old 11-22-2010, 03:15 PM
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Hey Sean,

You're not alone buddy. My wife usually drinks a bottle of wine every night. Wouldn't be quite so bad if she didn't turn mean and become abusive to me and sometimes the kids.

I've only been going to meetings for about 1 1/2 months but I already see a difference in me (which is the point). She hasn't changed much, though but I still do get my hopes up a little bit on the occasions when she slows down.

It's only recently that I realize I've been walking on eggshells for a long time. Al-Anon is really helping with that.

I know how you feel about spending time with her. When my W is not drinking, I love to spend time with her. But, when she drinks I want to be anywhere but around her. It's sad because every time she drinks, I feel like she's putting a wedge between us.

I vacillate on how I feel all the time. Today, I want to stay with her and not tear the family apart. Then, there are times when she can tear the family apart all by herself.

I'm new to all of this and am still dealing with step 1! All I can say is to keep going to meetings. They say not to make any big decisions in the first 6-12 months in Al-Anon. I think that's wise in that you should only make those kinds of decisions when you are in a good place and things are clear in your mind.

Only you know when enough is enough for you. Please keep posting. You're not alone!
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Old 11-22-2010, 05:36 PM
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Just want to add my support and say Welcome.

I am sorry that you are going through this...but you are smart to come to SR, and good for you for going to Al Anon.

Taking care of yourself is the absolute best thing you can do. It's really the only thing to do.
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