just wanted to say..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 177
just wanted to say..
i'm sorry if i am coming off a little irritated today. i'm just frustrated and angry and sad and a big bag of mixed emotions and i came on here because i wanted to feel better....but i dont'....i feel worse because of the way i am responding. i dont' mean it. i am having a bad day with my AH....and its all because he went 5 whole days without drinking....and decides this morning would be a good time to start again..... i just want to go home and curl up in a ball with my basset hound.... its so hard to work under these conditions. people see me cry here all the time and it embarrassing. i dont' think they believe my allergy story anymore.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
oh breakingglass,
it is obvious you are having a hard time right now.
i am sorry for that.
i love basset hounds.
we had one when i was a kid, and she was the sweetest (if the laziest) dog i ever had.
how long have you had your basset?
Beth
it is obvious you are having a hard time right now.
i am sorry for that.
i love basset hounds.
we had one when i was a kid, and she was the sweetest (if the laziest) dog i ever had.
how long have you had your basset?
Beth
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
BreakingGlass, I think I can relate to how you are feeling today. My niece from Northwest Iowa just died. I seriously gave it some thought about flying up there from South Texas for her services. I wondered if this was my opportunity to go back home, and leave my AH. I would have been able to receive cheaper costs on the airline tickets. However, I am basically disabled and would have needed assistance once I got up North, and I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I had to reach out to my nieces that I'm closest to, to let them know what my thoughts were. I find it very hard to let my "little secret" out.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 177
thanks for understanding. i am trying to just interact with people here and try to enjoy my afternoon... time to stop letting this get to me like this.
she will be 1 year on christmas day! she's not very lazy yet (she's working on that!! she is after all still a playful puppy) but she's got an insatiable appetite!! she's stinky,dirty, barks too much, steals food from the counters, antagonizes the cat, and chews anything not nailed to the floor but she's the most lovable animal i've ever had. i guess when you love them that much you look past their stinkiness!!! her name is Ellie-Mae
she will be 1 year on christmas day! she's not very lazy yet (she's working on that!! she is after all still a playful puppy) but she's got an insatiable appetite!! she's stinky,dirty, barks too much, steals food from the counters, antagonizes the cat, and chews anything not nailed to the floor but she's the most lovable animal i've ever had. i guess when you love them that much you look past their stinkiness!!! her name is Ellie-Mae
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Originally Posted by Phoenixthebird 
BreakingGlass, I think I can relate to how you are feeling today. My niece from Northwest Iowa just died. I seriously gave it some thought about flying up there from South Texas for her services. I wondered if this was my opportunity to go back home, and leave my AH. I would have been able to receive cheaper costs on the airline tickets. However, I am basically disabled and would have needed assistance once I got up North, and I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I had to reach out to my nieces that I'm closest to, to let them know what my thoughts were. I find it very hard to let my "little secret" out.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
..... and thanks for understanding.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Sweetie, you have stumbled into a place where we ABSOLUTELY understand your irritation and sympathize and have spent a whole lot of time feeling it too. Please don't worry. And treat yourself to some cuddle time with the puppy tonight.
This mental trick worked for me when I needed to stay in control and I really wasn't: imagine a place inside of your heart where your distress about your AH lives. Okay, there it is. It isn't a good place to be. So, right now you are going to go someplace else. (I visualized a red room with a huge lock on the door, and I would lock it, promise to come back, stick the key in my pocket and walk off.) The pain isn't gone; it is still real and it will have to be dealt with. But it's locked away so it doesn't get in the way so much.
Hope it helps
This mental trick worked for me when I needed to stay in control and I really wasn't: imagine a place inside of your heart where your distress about your AH lives. Okay, there it is. It isn't a good place to be. So, right now you are going to go someplace else. (I visualized a red room with a huge lock on the door, and I would lock it, promise to come back, stick the key in my pocket and walk off.) The pain isn't gone; it is still real and it will have to be dealt with. But it's locked away so it doesn't get in the way so much.
Hope it helps
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 177
i know this may sound silly but sometimes i do laundry to take my mind off things.... guess its just kind of therapeutic.... when i run out of clothes to wash, i start taking down the curtains! but it helps a little i guess
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I was the same, every time he would say he was stopping or cutting back or not drinking during the day I would be so happy that he was trying to make things better and so hopeful that NOW things would change. After a while and after realising that he never meant it...or more like he may have meant it but could never follow it through, I started believing in him less and less, I didn't carry around that hope and expectation because I knew deep down that I would only feel let down and upset again.
Part of detaching was letting go of those expectations and using him as a crutch, something to make me feel better or worse...I stayed busy educating myself about addiction and codependency and started taking less notice of him and his drinking, I found I didn't feel as bad when he failed to cut back because I wasn't holding my breath and crossing every finger that this would be the time he would succeed.
To be honest, even when he did succeed and was dry for 2 years, nothing changed much.
Part of detaching was letting go of those expectations and using him as a crutch, something to make me feel better or worse...I stayed busy educating myself about addiction and codependency and started taking less notice of him and his drinking, I found I didn't feel as bad when he failed to cut back because I wasn't holding my breath and crossing every finger that this would be the time he would succeed.
To be honest, even when he did succeed and was dry for 2 years, nothing changed much.
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Originally Posted by Tally
I was the same, every time he would say he was stopping or cutting back or not drinking during the day I would be so happy that he was trying to make things better and so hopeful that NOW things would change. After a while and after realising that he never meant it...or more like he may have meant it but could never follow it through, I started believing in him less and less, I didn't carry around that hope and expectation because I knew deep down that I would only feel let down and upset again.
Part of detaching was letting go of those expectations and using him as a crutch, something to make me feel better or worse...I stayed busy educating myself about addiction and codependency and started taking less notice of him and his drinking, I found I didn't feel as bad when he failed to cut back because I wasn't holding my breath and crossing every finger that this would be the time he would succeed.
To be honest, even when he did succeed and was dry for 2 years, nothing changed much.
Part of detaching was letting go of those expectations and using him as a crutch, something to make me feel better or worse...I stayed busy educating myself about addiction and codependency and started taking less notice of him and his drinking, I found I didn't feel as bad when he failed to cut back because I wasn't holding my breath and crossing every finger that this would be the time he would succeed.
To be honest, even when he did succeed and was dry for 2 years, nothing changed much.
i do have to say though, for those few days he wasn't drinking, we laughed, ate dinner together, walked the dog and watched silly christmas movies all afternoon. he was the man i remembered marrying..... and it felt good. and then today all that happiness just sank... and thats the way it always is.
i wish my AH would learn to use the computer..... i would have him come on here and maybe talk to some people. maybe he'd be able to let some things out here that he just can't talk about aloud..... but he's so anti-technology!!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by Phoenixthebird
BreakingGlass, I think I can relate to how you are feeling today. My niece from Northwest Iowa just died. I seriously gave it some thought about flying up there from South Texas for her services. I wondered if this was my opportunity to go back home, and leave my AH. I would have been able to receive cheaper costs on the airline tickets. However, I am basically disabled and would have needed assistance once I got up North, and I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I had to reach out to my nieces that I'm closest to, to let them know what my thoughts were. I find it very hard to let my "little secret" out.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Phoenixthe bird,
I am sorry about your niece.
hugs,
chicory
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
breaking,
i am sorry you are so sad. you have every reason to be -- it feels like a set-up when they begin to look like they might get sober, and then it lasts such a short time. you have this little honeymoon period, get hopeful, and then feel kicked in the stomach.
i can't remember if you've said you have tried al-anon. when nothing changes, nothing changes. when something does change, well....
what can you change today?
hope you feel better soon.
i am sorry you are so sad. you have every reason to be -- it feels like a set-up when they begin to look like they might get sober, and then it lasts such a short time. you have this little honeymoon period, get hopeful, and then feel kicked in the stomach.
i can't remember if you've said you have tried al-anon. when nothing changes, nothing changes. when something does change, well....
what can you change today?
hope you feel better soon.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by breakingglass
you know.... i think lots of people on here were all trying to explain this in one way or another. but for some reason when i read your post, it really sank in. its so true. i do get hurt when he does't follow through because of the expectation he's sets me up with.
i do have to say though, for those few days he wasn't drinking, we laughed, ate dinner together, walked the dog and watched silly christmas movies all afternoon. he was the man i remembered marrying..... and it felt good. and then today all that happiness just sank... and thats the way it always is.
i wish my AH would learn to use the computer..... i would have him come on here and maybe talk to some people. maybe he'd be able to let some things out here that he just can't talk about aloud..... but he's so anti-technology!!
i do have to say though, for those few days he wasn't drinking, we laughed, ate dinner together, walked the dog and watched silly christmas movies all afternoon. he was the man i remembered marrying..... and it felt good. and then today all that happiness just sank... and thats the way it always is.
i wish my AH would learn to use the computer..... i would have him come on here and maybe talk to some people. maybe he'd be able to let some things out here that he just can't talk about aloud..... but he's so anti-technology!!
I got to the point after being let down so many times that when I would hear the "right that's it...I'm cutting back" line I would just smile and say "that's good", knowing in my head it would be forgotten within the week.
Believing their promises and putting expectations on their head is no good, it just makes us feel angry and upset when they fail and them feel guilty and more ashamed that they can't control it yet.
I guess what I'm trying to say is if you don't have expectations then you can't be let down.
Not the best way to live but the only way to stay sane whilst in a relationship with an A.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 177
Originally Posted by Tally
Aw, I'm glad to of helped. I think if you're planning to stay with him for the forseeable then the best thing you can do for yourself is learn about detachment, it will help you both in the long run. I've found that an active addict can't keep promises and 9 times out of 10 (or 9.9999 times out of 10) they will let you down.
I got to the point after being let down so many times that when I would hear the "right that's it...I'm cutting back" line I would just smile and say "that's good", knowing in my head it would be forgotten within the week.
Believing their promises and putting expectations on their head is no good, it just makes us feel angry and upset when they fail and them feel guilty and more ashamed that they can't control it yet.
I guess what I'm trying to say is if you don't have expectations then you can't be let down.
Not the best way to live but the only way to stay sane whilst in a relationship with an A.
I got to the point after being let down so many times that when I would hear the "right that's it...I'm cutting back" line I would just smile and say "that's good", knowing in my head it would be forgotten within the week.
Believing their promises and putting expectations on their head is no good, it just makes us feel angry and upset when they fail and them feel guilty and more ashamed that they can't control it yet.
I guess what I'm trying to say is if you don't have expectations then you can't be let down.
Not the best way to live but the only way to stay sane whilst in a relationship with an A.
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