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anyone think about this....

Old 11-22-2010, 12:44 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by BuffaloGal View Post
At the meeting I go to from time to time... gracious, no. People may talk about what god is... and isn't... to them; but there is no judgment regardless. There are plenty of agnostics. Some people refer to god as "She" and no one laughs. Half the attendees at my first home meeting were openly gay-- it wasn't a Christian environment or they would never have attended.

Going back to your original post, though: Unfortunately, if it's your BF's choice to toss back a few before noon, it's idiotic, but not illegal. From his point of view, you called and got upset over his hobby-- it would be like him calling you and getting mad because you were knitting again, or watching "Days Of Our Lives." That would be your business, not his.

I'm not saying you're wrong-- you aren't, you're right to be concerned about it. I had to throw out my much loved but alcoholic husband not because of his drinking, but due to my reaction to his drinking-- I hated the person I became in response to his unutterably stupid choices. I could not stop him from making them. At the end, all I could deal with was the fact that he was hurting me and I needed the pain to end.

Your BF can only be helpless and dependent as long as there is someone to be dependent upon. This is coming from my own experience-- I am passive by nature, and did not begin to take care of my life in many ways until my husband was gone and I had to do it myself. There may be a perfectly competent person inside of him too.

Good luck and treat yourself well
i wish he was just my BF..... but he's more like my husband! so i kind of live there and trust me, i do not condone his actions nor do i contribute to them..... but i'm done trying to stop them..... he will "ask" me if he can have a drink and i tell him to do whats in his heart and that i won't tell him yes nor will i tell him no....just for him to use his own judgement.... maybe one of these days he'll step away from it and realize that i dont' care anymore what the hell he does. i just wish i didn't let it eat at me so badly.... he is sucking the spirit right out of me
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Old 11-22-2010, 12:47 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by NoAlcoholToday View Post
Thank you for this, Kitty. It is very encouraging.

breakingglass, you may not have seen a thread I put on here a couple of weeks ago asking whether my wife would be even madder at me because I am quitting than she was before I quit.
naive and Learn2Live (amongst others) gave me some fabulous advice: get yourself healthy first and then take care of those worries - dont get ahead of yourself.

Also I think it is very important to try and move forward together in recovery rather than try to go back to the way things used to be in the past.

PS I am really feeling for you - I know it must be a huge disappointment after he managed to do 5 days

i was a very huge dissappointment. but it told him that i would rather he be disappointed in himself then to worry whether or not i am disappointed in him. after that he said "I'll get back on the wagon, i promise".... if i had nickel for every time i heard that............
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Old 11-22-2010, 01:21 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
... please do not call it a misconception simply because i don't see things the way you do....i gave religion a big try, when i was young and when i was older. i'm now 51 and i doubt any time soon that i will be a church goer.
The misconception I'd referred to was about Alanon, you and I seem to be very much on the same page about "organized religion". My apologies.

Thanks and Nature/The Universe bless us all,
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Old 11-22-2010, 04:53 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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hi breakinglass, I have been going to a therapist that specializes in addictions and compulsive/obsessive disorders - she has helped me a great deal - perhaps you could find a therapist to discuss this with? only a pro can see through the excuses we make -many of them are unconscious- and see through our patterns so we can get more clarity, Zoom out and realize we are not powerless.
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Old 11-22-2010, 05:10 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
correct me if i'm wrong, but don't they all talk about god and finding "him"? and i have to be honest, that would totally annoy me.
i have attended al-anon (off and on) for 15 years and i don't believe i ever heard someone talk like that.

it's more - to my way of thinking - about surrending your own will, and trusting in something greater than your own little self. self-will is something that works against alcoholics in a big way, so giving it up is a huge, life-changing behavior.

maybe give it an open-minded try. you can really, truly make it what works for you.

as for your pondering about "what if he does get sober and we fall apart" kind of thinking....
well, that is most definitely a reality.

part of the difficulty in letting go of old, unhealthy ways, is fear. i was afraid big-time of losing some of my self-destructive ways, regarding my unhealthy relationship. it's like you're a pig: you go to sit waist-deep in the mud, it's awful but it makes you feel good also.

i think you have to decide, really decide, that you want to be free badly enough to risk it. what you guys have now makes you miserable, yet it is what you know, in some ways it is what you love, and you get to hang onto the dream of a different life - without having to do the hard work to get to that life.

please don't think i'm criticizing you. and i don't know if that even makes sense to someone else. i have been there.
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Old 11-22-2010, 07:30 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I get it, coffee. Often, the future enslaves me. Also I have found the resistence I feel is because I have not known anything else other than suffering, sadness. So its fear of the new.. and often its not that I am brave or anything, for me it is just TIREDNESS of feeling the same way over and over again and realizing I am unable to move forward. Thus what others believe or say in the meetings that I don't totally agree with, is less important -I know there are many other ideas I can benefit from... and the knowledge there is someone else going through the same situation. BTW I am not fond of established religions but I can respect others (as they respect me).

Pictures like these are what I imagine when someone says HP or God, helps me be humble and put my little life in perspective

HubbleSite - Picture Album
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