Learn2Live

It's okay to be angry evenkeel. Anger serves a function and hopefully it will spur you to take appropriate action. Where anger is not OK is when it turns into harm or abuse.

Please recognize that you also have YOURSELF plopped right down in the middle of all these truly sick people. Now why do you suppose it might be that this is what you have chosen? (please note, I am not insinuating anything; I do not know the reason why, only you can know this). See, this is the kind of thing AlAnon is really good for, especially when coupled with therapy.

evenkeel

Good question on the why. I know that I used to be a "saver" and am a codie at least on some level. I don't know what kind of role my wife's family's tendencies played in us ending up together because, truth be told, I didn't spend a whole lot of time with her family before she and I got married. It wasn't until we moved to the same town as them that I saw them for more than Christmas and Easter. I should have seen it with my wife, but I was in the same mindset as she still is-it's only social, it's temporary, just suck it up and get through it, everyone deserves to have fun etc. Live and learn...I hope at the very least my wife learns something from watching her father die of alcoholism. If I were her I'd never touch the stuff again because she has a couple of very very good reasons not to. Heck, *I* don't want to touch the stuff ever again and I don't have any real reason to feel that way besides hating being drunk and the hangovers...

Cyranoak

...if everything you've posted is true, and I'm sure it is, your wife is an alcoholic. Period. My wife has thousands of reasons not to drink. Not one of them stopped her until she went to jail and faced a felony conviction. We still aren't past that and we'll see what happens. She's only sober now because of the fear of serving serious jail time, the incredible damage she now realizes she created while drunk, and the fact that she's actively engaged in a recovery program (and I've stayed out of it completely-- it's her business, not mine).

Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your mortal life? Really?

This is not a movie or a novel, it's your life. Discard wishes, hope, and love. They don't matter. At all. Wishes don't come true, hope is not a strategy, and love is just the key that starts the car-- IT DOESN'T DRIVE IT!

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

evenkeel

The Thanksgiving situation has sort of solved itself. Barring anything unforeseen FIL will be coming home Wednesday. MIL has said that she will not be cooking dinner, that if others want to bring stuff over they can but she is not going to be doing anything. So, if my wife decides not to go with us to my mom's then the boys and I will take our sweet time about it and pop in to MIL's later. If she comes along, we'll stop in for a minute when we drop her off and then head home. If SIL tries to start anything I'll walk out. I WILL not get into it with FIL home.

Docs are saying he's only likely to be around another 5-6 weeks, 3 months at the outside. A hospice nurse has looked at him and at his medical file and has predicted, based on her experience (personal and professional), there's a chance he won't make it until December 1st but the chance of him making it to Christmas is minute. He's developed full-blown pneumonia on top of everything else and is refusing to take meds. My wife has said she wants to take FMLA to help care for him. Sparing the details, MIL and I agree that it's a terrible idea for many varying reasons and she's going to try to talk her out of it tomorrow (I don't have the heart to tell her not to). A DNR has been signed as we head into another day...and all of us are struggling against the wish for ti all to be over right now...

evenkeel

To pose this situation in a different way: I'll be damned if I will stay with someone who can watch her father die from alcoholism and keep (problem) drinking herself. Then I KNOW there's no possibility of her stopping and I'll be gone. She doesn't know that and I'm not going to tell her. I DO hope that she'll examine her situation and make some better choices, especially when she's so quick to condemn her cousin who drinks heavily even after HER father died of alcoholism this summer, but I know that's unrealistic. I'll deal with it when it happens.

Right now my head is spinning and I feel like I'm in some Twilight Zone episode. Crap's coming at me from all angles and I'm really trying to just hang in there until the dust settles.

Phoenixthebird

evenkeel,
Sometimes us codependents just need to stop the "What Ifs?" in our minds. Don’t worry about tomorrow because God has already been there and He has set the stage. A coincidence is a little miracle in which God chooses to remain anonymous. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Be in nature and discover how much God loves you, “Pause, so you can hear the rabbits.” I cannot give other people the status of my Higher Power. God helps those who don’t try to take over His work. Change can only come from a position of acceptance.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

shegirl

How did it turn out?