Wife Relapsed
 

My wife came out of six months alcohol rehab 1 week ago and started drinking again yesterday. She has a court appearance on Monday and I'm worried that if they see she's relapsed she could go to jail instead of receive the 6 months rehab as her sentense as was the original plan. My wife has an extreme reaction to alcohol and goes into a deep depression when she drinks. She also suffers from Bulimia which makes the problem worse as she drinks to help forget the throwing up but then gets into a complication and confused cycle.

I also have to say that she has received zero post-rehab treatment. She was simply discharged from the rehab centre one weeks ago with no follow up appointments, not even with her gp. The only appointment she got was her court hearing.

She is very anxious, depressed, confused, ashamed and angry. I am worried that if she misses her court hearing on Monday she will get sent to jail. Her mental and physical state is very weak and I'm extremely concerned about the jail possibility. Even if she is discharged from court I am worried that she will continue drinking and get worse. The social services in this country (UK) seem to be very disorganised and ineffective with terrible communication between the various services. As her husband I just watch as she's pushed around by incompetent staff who don't seem to genuinely care.

My wife is at a critical point I think. She was very afraid of relapsing before her discharge from the rehab centre and now, while I'm at work, she is again throwing up and drinking. So by the evening she is a crying, confused wreck.

Even if she's freed from court, then what? No service seems able to help her. It's unlikely she'll get the funding for further treatment. It's a terrible situation. Forums like this are very helpful I think, it's good to be able to express what's on my mind. I used to try and do this with staff and counsellers but those people seem to operate in a very fake, controlling, patronising style, I'm always spoken down to.

I am a recovering alcoholic myself, I haven't drunk for ten years now, I gave up on outside help along time ago. I never liked strangers pretending to know what's best for me. I think alcoholism can only, truly, be defeated by the alcoholic's willpower and intention to stop drinking by themselves. I hope my wife can do this by herself, she's smart and beautiful, but she's slowly destroying herself. It's a terrible situation.

Some people can stop on their own, but many others can't. It's good to know that you were able to do that, but don't expect your wife to be like you. She very well may need outside help. Has she considered going to AA or a therapist knowledgeable about addiction? It could be a big help.

Spectral,

It seems as if your wife is very very sick.
Can you take her to emergency services? Since she is bulimic, drinking and vomiting, she could be losing electrolytes and be in serious trouble.
I don't know, but I would think the hospital would have to do something right now for her.

Social services are extremely frustrating, and in this country can be a confounding mess, but I had to keep pushing through to get the help I needed to help my children.

I took my last drink over 14 years ago, and I do understand what you are saying about condescending people, but not all social workers or alcoholics are like that.

You sound as if you have been through the wringer and still stand upright.
consider AA and AlAnon for yourself too.
It couldnt hurt.

Beth

What if your wife can't do it by herself? I couldn't. I had to have help.

Thank God for the loving arms in AA who enveloped me and taught me how to live life on life's terms.

Beth is right... none of us are Doctors.. we can only relate what has worked for us.. get some help... there is no shame in it..

I do know about the Heart Break of relapse... which is quite common when people first begin the recovery journey.. I would say it is almost normal.. just keep an open mind.. be honest and work on your fear and anger..

I watched my wife relaspe big time with 10 plus yrs of very active AA.. it was sad. It broke my heart.. but life goes on.. stay connected to your home group.. stay close to your sponsor.. and recovery friends.. I can say this with experience.. without them.. drinking and using starts to look real good to make the pain go away..

Relapse

Dare there be a reason for trying to hold on,
and watch the days slip by, yes they are really gone.
Then there was a moment like the shinning sun,
My hearts cries out and says, it is time to be moving on.

We slipped and fell together, it was only you and I,
The weight was on my shoulders, as I believed another lie,
You said you'd try again, I didn't want to say good bye,
But then a relapse came once more, I knew you were going to die.

I didn't have heart to tell you, that I didn't want this to end,
But you made your choices and I thought you were my friend
and I tried so very hard to put you on that road to mend,
only to find myself in anger, time and time again....

So when the hour passes into yet another broken day,
and the anger it subsides and I wipe my tears away.
I am not crying for myself, it was you that lost your way,
and now it is your addiction and there is more for you to pay.

So I changed the locks to our home, and closed every door
and then I sat alone with my thoughts scattered on the floor.
The insanity of watching became alot more than a chore
My heart was aching and it told me I couldn't take it anymore.

My world was spinning far faster than I dared to really know,
and everything that was dear to me lay shattered, and so....
I had to decide if I wanted to see you sink again so low,
Then my heart cried out and said, it was time for me to go.

I wanted so badly to hold onto your precious soul,
but you were gone in your addiction, there nothing but a hole,
So when the hour catches me thinking of yet one more fix...
I remind myself, it was your relapse and not mine to fix......

Jim in Olympia

Spectral,
I hear your pain and anxiety in your post! You wrote "I am worried that if she misses her court hearing on Monday she will get sent to jail." Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing! As a mother of a schizophrenic I often times tried to get her placed in jail for her own safety and security. Here in the United States our correctional department will help and provide and maintain the necessary medications.

Campsurf thank you for posting such a heartwrenching and truthful poem!

Don't lose hope. Pray a lot, and most of all "Trust In God." That is the only thing that will help YOU stay well.

Wife relapsed
 

Thanks for your kind messages.

Campsurf, thanks for your poem, I was crying.

The thing is my wife is permanently drunk. She is supposed to be looking for a job and getting viewings for flats but while I'm at work she just throws up and drinks to forget the bulimia. Pus she eats nothing. Her post-rehab help is pathetic. She hasn't the strength or willpower to go to AA meetings. She has no sponsor. She doesn't wat to recover. She keeps saying "I want to die." This is because her alcoholism is aggravated by bulimia. This combination is making her extremely sick.

There is no post-rehab assistance whatsoever. When I suggest things she just gets abusive and aggressive. It's a tragic situation. I've given the notice on my flat and we are supposed to move out in 2 weeks but she is constantly drunk and cannot have any meaningful conversation. I'm preparing myself for the worst because I think she will die soon. I love her and I want to see her happy and healthy but she is disintegrating. Plus it's affecting my health too, she was in a rehab unit for six months. It was nice visiting her while she was sober but as soon as she's come out she's drinking again and she behaves horribly. I am letting her stay in this cheap room I rented because finances have been tight for me recently. When she exited the rehab centre she had nowhere alse to go, so I let her stay here with me, when I returned from work today she just said "f*ck you, you are a f*cking failure," and all I am trying to do is help her and show some kindness.

The social services in this country, the United Kingdom, are disgraceful by the way; inept and incompetent.

Anyway, if you've read this far, thanks for listening, it's appreciated.

I'm so sorry for your pain, Spectral. :hug:

She needs to be in the system, she does not sound like she can do it alone, and you are not a professinal, plus, you probably have a job, a life to live outside of caring for her.

I am sorry it just sounds so overwhelming. I hope you can find a way to take care of yourself in all this.
bless you