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I want to cry, throw up, yell and laugh....

Old 11-19-2010, 05:09 PM
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I want to cry, throw up, yell and laugh....

I am a huge moron!! I broke up with my fiancée because I found an empty vodka bottle under the bed and I was stupid because I listened and watched as he didn't drink after that. Life was good, we were laughing, happy and being honest. I want to throw up because I now found empty beer and vodka bottles. I love this man with my whole soul but how can I stay? Why am I so weak that I listen and trust him? I don't know what to do. No. That's a lie, he needs to leave and get treatment. I need to be serious and stand up for me, for our family and our love. It's me or the drink. And I'm still so confused how can someone choose alcohol over a human being? I know what I need to do but I am so scared. By the way, we work together. My heart is breaking and I'm yelling at myself in my head. God protect and guide me. Please.
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:13 PM
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I don't understand. If you broke up with him, what is the problem?
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:17 PM
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Because I was stupid and took him back because I am a fool. Because I was stupid to believe that love is strong.
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:20 PM
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You're not a fool. Everyone wants to believe that those we love are being truthful. Unfortunately, you found out differently, but that hardly makes you a fool.

Only you know what you can and cannot live with. If him drinking is a problem for you, then maybe putting the marriage on the back burner for a while would be best. That doesn't mean you have to stop loving him. Have you talked to him about getting help?
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:28 PM
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I have and he gets upset. If he wasn't hiding it, it would not be such a painful issue. I love this man with my entire being but the lying is horrible. He did say that he would contact his therapist tomorrow, if the office is open. But I'm in desperate pain. I am so confused.

Do I react right now? Would that be smart? Or should I wait until he isn't buzzed?
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:29 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Only you know what you can and cannot live with. If him drinking is a problem for you, then maybe putting the marriage on the back burner for a while would be best. That doesn't mean you have to stop loving him. Have you talked to him about getting help?
Marriage is certainly on the back burner. Right now I wish I didn't love him, it would make everything easier.
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:30 PM
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You can't talk sense to someone when they are drunk, so trying to talk to him now would be useless. Is there somewhere you can go to get away from him for a while? Have you considered Al-anon meetings. The people there can help you learn to detach from his issues and take care of your own well-being.
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:33 PM
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Love is not some mystical magical word that solves all of lifes issues. Loving someone doesn't change your personality or theirs, love is an action word, love does not hurt, love does not belittle.

The word love is bantered around so much today, I ask myself does anyone really understand what love really is? My answer....very few.

Love yourself first, take care of you, and your children, they need to be your priorty. It is your responsibility to not expose them to toxic behavior, no matter how much you "love" him, children must come first.
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:34 PM
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Can I go to Al-Anon meetings? Do I belong there?
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:35 PM
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Of course you can go. Al-anon is for friends and family members of alcoholics. Instead of focusing on the alcoholic, like AA does, al-anon focuses on you and your needs.
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:38 PM
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Originally Posted by ala3037 View Post
Can I go to Al-Anon meetings? Do I belong there?
Oh yes, you belong there.
You will get a lot of help and understanding there.
You will learn how to take care of you.

Beth
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:39 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Love is not some mystical magical word that solves all of lifes issues. Loving someone doesn't change your personality or theirs, love is an action word, love does not hurt, love does not belittle.
Are you sure?? ; )
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:40 PM
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I will look for one in my town now.
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:40 PM
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Originally Posted by ala3037 View Post
I am a huge moron!!
No you are not. Stop saying that... its not true. You are a human being that is learning, that's all.

Originally Posted by ala3037 View Post
I broke up with my fiancée because I found an empty vodka bottle under the bed and I was stupid because I listened and watched as he didn't drink after that.
I am glad you broke up with your fiancée before and are starting to open your eyes to his reality. This is very hard. I moved to another city to be with someone who I also thought was going to be my best friend and a good boyfriend- oh boy, did it hurt to realize the extent of his drinking.

Originally Posted by ala3037 View Post
Life was good, we were laughing, happy and being honest. I want to throw up because I now found empty beer and vodka bottles. I love this man with my whole soul but how can I stay?
You can love him from a distance. You can love anyone and at the same time not be in their lives. In my case I could not stay. I could not live with someone whose priority was-and still is, 2 long years later- alcohol, period.

Originally Posted by ala3037 View Post
Why am I so weak that I listen and trust him?
You are not weak. Perhaps you did not know he was an alcoholic. Perhaps you missed red flags. That does not mean weakness. Perhaps you learned to trust people that did not deserve that trust. Maybe that is not the real you and that is why you are struggling. Because your inner light knows you need someone that can actually listen and who you can trust.

A real partner.

Originally Posted by ala3037 View Post
I don't know what to do. No. That's a lie, he needs to leave and get treatment. I need to be serious and stand up for me, for our family and our love. It's me or the drink. And I'm still so confused how can someone choose alcohol over a human being? I know what I need to do but I am so scared. By the way, we work together. My heart is breaking and I'm yelling at myself in my head. God protect and guide me. Please.

I read somewhere, for them its not "the alcohol or the loved ones" but more like -- only alcohol exists. The others support the alcoholism in many ways. I have seen this in my experience when XABF got some other drinker right away, and in many other stories where they just move with someone else that will put up with their drinking, cheer them up in their drinking, encourage them to drink more, get verbally abused and spiritually destroyed, etc. Someone who will dance in hell with them.


I did not move away and stayed working with XABF. I still work with him. Recently I was shown a picture of him, he was drinking in the same bar we went to. Coworkers cheer him when he doesn't show up still drunk at work at 9 AM. I knew he arrived with a hangover- but STILL drunk?

Its progressive.


I am glad you did not marry this man. Just read the stories. So many, great people suffering a great deal because someone else can't deal with life without being intoxicated. It is not fair.

Anyway, after much SR, therapy, Alanon, codependency literature, , I am feeling great. I am not yet indifferent to XABF but working on it.

He is still who he is doing what he has done the last years.
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:42 PM
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I found one! I'm going Tuesday! Thank you for all the courage you have given me.
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:43 PM
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ala - I just want to acknowledge you for making this decision and your REAL feelings of sadness, pain, and loss. You are making the healthy choice for yourself. He needs to make some serious decisions of his own. I understand how crushing this descision can be. But just because it's the right thing to do, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt....deeply.

You are not a moron, nor stupid. Actually you are loving and courageous.

You can go to alanon.

Wishing you peace.
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:43 PM
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Originally Posted by ala3037 View Post
Are you sure?? ; )


whaddaya mean dollydo? them fairytales aint true?
keep your sense of humor ala, it will get you far.
and help alot.

Beth

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Old 11-19-2010, 05:45 PM
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Originally Posted by ala3037 View Post
I am a huge moron!!
No you are not. Stop saying that... its not true. You are a human being that is learning, that's all.

Originally Posted by ala3037 View Post
I broke up with my fiancée because I found an empty vodka bottle under the bed and I was stupid because I listened and watched as he didn't drink after that.
I am glad you broke up with your fiancée before and are starting to open your eyes to his reality. This is very hard. I moved to another city to be with someone who I also thought was going to be my best friend and a good boyfriend- oh boy, did it hurt to realize the extent of his drinking. It IS heartbreaking.

Originally Posted by ala3037 View Post
Life was good, we were laughing, happy and being honest. I want to throw up because I now found empty beer and vodka bottles. I love this man with my whole soul but how can I stay?
You can love him from a distance. You can love anyone and at the same time not be in their lives. In my case I could not stay. I could not live with someone whose priority was-and still is, 2 long years later- alcohol, period.

Originally Posted by ala3037 View Post
Why am I so weak that I listen and trust him?
You are not weak. Perhaps you did not know he was an alcoholic. Perhaps you missed red flags. That does not mean weakness. Perhaps you learned to trust people that did not deserve that trust. Maybe that is not the real you and that is why you are struggling. Because your inner light knows you need someone that can actually listen and who you can trust.

A real partner.

Originally Posted by ala3037 View Post
I don't know what to do. No. That's a lie, he needs to leave and get treatment. I need to be serious and stand up for me, for our family and our love. It's me or the drink. And I'm still so confused how can someone choose alcohol over a human being? I know what I need to do but I am so scared. By the way, we work together. My heart is breaking and I'm yelling at myself in my head. God protect and guide me. Please.

I read somewhere, for them its not "the alcohol or the loved ones" but more like -- only alcohol exists. The others support the alcoholism in many ways. I have seen this in my experience when XABF got some other drinker right away, and in many other stories where they just move with someone else that will put up with their drinking, cheer them up in their drinking, encourage them to drink more, get verbally abused and spiritually destroyed, etc. Someone who will dance in hell with them.


I did not move away and stayed working with XABF. I still work with him. Recently I was shown a picture of him, he was drinking in the same bar we went to. Coworkers cheer him when he doesn't show up still drunk at work at 9 AM. I knew he arrived with a hangover- but STILL drunk?

Its progressive.


I am glad you did not marry this man. Just read the stories. So many, great people suffering a great deal because someone else can't deal with life without being intoxicated. It is not fair.

Anyway, after much SR, therapy, Alanon, codependency literature, , I am feeling great. I am not yet indifferent to XABF but working on it.

He is still who he is doing what he has done the last years.
I have changed in many ways and feeling very healthy and very strong. I am in the road towards feeling more love towards myself and others and I am working on letting go of my past and my resentments.

You are way stronger than you think. And you can, and will, heal from this, regardless if you leave your job or don't. I felt really really bad for months, but the payoffs, the gifts and the lessons, are priceless.

There is much light ahead of you. Keep listening to your gut. I am here to cheer you up. And listen. And send ((hugs))
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:45 PM
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Ain't love grand? Yep, I am sure, look ma, I have a love wand...look left!
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:46 PM
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Sorry for some reason this got posted twice .... !!
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