Floss

I've basically had NC with my exADFH for 10 days now. I say basically because I did have to call him once a few days ago regarding his contact with our daughter. Even then, I was reluctant to call but knew I had to. During our phone call, I kept the conversation to a minimum, only discussing our daughter. When he mentioned he hadn't ended up going to a program for alcoholics that he'd booked himself into, my only reply was "okay" and then I changed the subject.

The last time we'd had 'real' contact, he told me he needed 10 weeks (which was extended to 13 weeks) to himself to get straight after which he said he would talk to me to discuss where our 'relationship' is headed.... Lol... At the time, I replied "It's been 7 years so far, what's another 13 weeks?"....He looked baffled when I said that. In any case, I know his words mean nothing and I didn't want to discuss his 'offer'.

This does not mean I don't love him, however, his disease has progressed to such a stage that I'm not sure he'll ever make it into sobriety. He's lost many jobs, friendships, he's drinking what's left of the equity in his home, he's been arrested and charged many times, been locked up in mental wards and been in custody many times. He drinks in isolation, abuses his neighbours and is known as the 'crazy' man in his street. He drink drives and seems to get away with it all the time (he's only had one DUI...that I know of). I've even called the police several times when I know he's been on the road drunk. He loves his daughter so much and she adores him and he is amazing with her, yet she is not reason enough for him to get the help he so desperately needs. It's time for me to walk away emotionally for good this time. I've long since given up on the 'miracle' and the 'hope' he will make it. I need to be strong for our little one and educate her on this disease of alcoholism so she does not repeat family patterns.

I see him on Tuesday (if he shows up) as he will be having contact with our daughter. This will be hard because I still have feelings, but I won't buy into any discussion regarding his alcoholism nor will I start any discussion regarding this. I will only remind him, yet again, that should I not be able to contact him whilst he has our daughter, I will be at his home in a flash to collect her and should he ever drink a mouthful of alcohol whist he has her, I will call the police (I have an AVO in which he is not to be anywhere near me or our daughter within 12 hours of consuming alcohol and/or other drugs) and he won't have contact with her again. With these things, I can be tough and he actually respects that about me because he knows he's in a very bad way. He will be taking her to his mother's later in the day and she doesn't allow alcohol in her home, so I know she'll be safe.

Sometimes I wish I could move far, far away so I don't have to deal with seeing him again, however, I know that I'd be taking my own crap with me.

If it wasn't for SR, I honestly don't believe I could have made 10 days of NC. It's not that I haven't done it before, but this is the first time I've done it without outside distractractions, eg the 'nice' man, readings from my psychic friends about how my love life is going to turn out etc, etc, lol. This time, it's just me, my HP and recovery...So, thanks again to everyone here for sharing your experiences, strength and hope....

Floss

That was too wierd...within a few minutes of posting this thread, he rang. He hardly ever calls as he hates the phone. He was drunk and said he'd been thinking about me and praying for me and our daughter. Then he talked about picking up our daughter on Tuesday and that was about it. Maybe it was a test. Maybe it's because we do have a connection. I stayed detached in any case...

Jadmack25

Whatever his "reason" for calling was, the main thing is that YOU kept your cool right then.
The connection is there of course, you have a child you both love, but in his case booze is still ahead of even his love for her.

My time of NC with now RABF, was disturbing in more ways than I ever imagined, but I managed it without being hauled off to the asylum.....just.
It is now a year of sobriety for him, and also no smoking which blew me away, as he had a fag while he was even half awake and done so for 50 years.

Tuesday you will have actions from him, not words, and those are what you base your decisions on because they are the true determinators of his mindset.

missphit

you sound determined and strong, and you should be very proud of yourself! well done. Your looking out for your daughter and taking care of you, that is a great step. I feel much the way you do about talking to my AH, who i left a couple weeks ago. I never call him, but he calls me and i keep things basic, light and do not discuss his alcoholism or pay any attention to any reference he makes to recovery and him "knowing what he has to do". you keep taking good care of yourself and your daughter and be proud of your ability to do so! well done!

Floss

Thanks for your support and kind words Jadmack and Missphit. You're right JM, the booze comes before his daughter. He knows what he needs to do, and it's up to him to do it, if he so chooses. It's sad though...and I understand what you mean about going almost insane! The first year of separation, I did everything to distract myself. I made myself so busy, it was crazy! lol. Congrats to your RABF on being sober a year! That's great, and even giving up the fags!

Since being active on this forum, in the last few months, I've reached a place where I know no matter how much it hurts, I need to stay strong for myself and my kids. It sounds like we're in a similar place MP. Well done to you too. You stay strong and take good care of yourself too.