Live

makes tons of sense to me Thumper...I think I am only recently able to know what I think and feel about a situation and not question myself to death and bend over backwards.

Summerpeach

All I can say is, real healing means being the change you want to see. If you dislike people, you give off that vibe and people will dislike you.
Try this, walk down the street and smile at a stranger, they will smile back and you will open up a little more to people.
I've met some REALLY horrible people in my day and was not a fan of people, but in the last few months, I've met some amazing souls who made me realize, not all humans are toxic losers.

Love you, then others will love you, it's as simple as that.

Side note: going from one guy to another to fill your void is a dead-end to self love.

Jenny1232

Thank you for the feedback.

Summerpeach, I have made it a point not to float from guy to guy. Many, many guys have expressed interest in me, and I've resisted getting involved with them. I did start seeing this guy for purely physical reasons, and wanted to keep it at that. However, I find myself starting to develop feelings for him. He has expressed his interest and insisted on taking me to dinner and a movie last time we met. He wouldn't sleep with me, as he said he just wanted to spend more time getting to know me. He's someone who makes me smile and makes me feel really good about myself, so I really want to keep him around and continue getting to know him. I don't think I'm ready to date, which is why I'm not pressing that issue.

I completely understand about people sensing my dislike for them, so they'd feel the same way. Thank you for pointing that out.

Freedom1990

I don't know if it's because I'm from a different generation or not, but this whole 'dating' thing came up with my 22-year-old last year.

What is the difference between dating, and seeing someone?

She couldn't give me an explanation, just got frustrated with me because apparently I'm too dumb to understand.

Jenny1232

Well, I've never 'dated'. I've met guys, and the next day they were my BOYFRIEND.

Dating perhaps is going out with multiple people.. to assess you want to 'see' long-term. I have never dated, like I said.

I think I am dating this guy... I did go to the movies recently with another guy (who kissed me and I told him to stop). I guess that's dating.. right?

Seeing someone.. maybe that's exclusive? I guess you could also say I'm seeing this guy, lol.

I've stuck with the term, 'pretend boyfriend'.

Freedom1990

Okay, that clears up my confusion...maybe.

My impression was that you are seeing/dating this guy.

Be good to yourself, Jenny. You deserve good things, dear.

Jenny1232

well, according to my description I am seeing/dating this guy! Hah, I just don't know what that means or entails!

I don't consider us serious.
He is not my boyfriend.
I do not love him.
I am not obsessed with him.

I like him.
I think of him often.
I want to see him exclusively.

So, whatever that means, lol.

I do feel like it's leading somewhere. He's so different from any guy I've met, and I do not feel that strong pull towards him. That leads me to believe he isn't the toxic type, lol. Normally by now I would be head over heels, seriously.

Which leads me to trying to discover how one moves slow into new relationships. If that's what this is, we're defintely crawling. I'm very hesistant to open up to anyone, and I am keeping my emotions at a distance. He's just super sweet and I happen to like him. I guess I don't want labels.

I've never been in a healthy relationship, and that is why I'm so hesitant. I feel like I will mess it up big time once I get involved with someone. I know I need to be in a healthy place, which I am working on. My main issues arise from jealousy. This is something I will only be able to overcome through practicing.

I keep telling myself I'm not ready to be with someone, and it's because I get so lost in them. The main thing that makes me feel like it'd be okay with this guy is because he works 12 hour night shifts and he lives 45 minutes away. I think with that schedule, it will be HARD to become consumed by him. It would automatically force me to be independent, which I want/need in a relationship. I moved in with exabf on day THREE!

Freedom1990

Maybe seeing this guy who has a schedule like that is HP's way of helping out a bit in the 'non-consuming' department, eh?

I totally get the hesitancy and not knowing what a healthy relationship looks like.

I was always jump in bed first, get to know them later!

coffeedrinker

My issue is that the people he cares about don't like me

hey, jenny, so nice to see you pop up here after an absence!

not sure about this, but here's my hunch:

"birds of a feather, flock together" popped into my mind. you know that truism about starting to attract, and hang with, healthier people when WE get healthier? somehow i see that playing out here.

you do not yet know this new friend (the guy one) to know how stable he is. but i suspect that you may be attracted to someone who is not as emotionally stable as you would want in a friend, or lover.
if that is the case, then it makes sense that his associates are not of the ilk either, that you would have in your circle of people.

i think we put on the armor to deflect other people's violations against us, and their negative feelings towards us. but, we can only do so much. people hurt people. it hurts. their own personal battle scars cause them to be hurtful, and they go on attack, and we are hit with the shrapnel.

just remember, jenny -- it's shrapnel. it's not personal.

hello-kitty

I was just struck by your hatred of people. That's so sad.

I've been told that we get out of life what we put into it. So I guess if, deep down inside, you have a strong hatred for people, you shouldn't be too surprised that you don't feel a lot of love back.

Personally, I don't think you hate people. Maybe I'm wrong, but you seem awfully sweet to be so full of hatred. However, I do think you are hurting inside. Maybe your hatred for others reflects how you feel about yourself. Have you discussed this hatred stuff with your therapist?

Hate can eat you alive. It's like drinking the poison you meant to give your enemy. It only hurts you. I think once you deal with your hatred, you may be able to have a healthy relationship with someone. But probably not before.

Jenny1232

wow hello-kitty, thank you for that.

You're so right.

It's odd, because I am SO FULL OF LOVE... but, it's only for a limited few. You've really got me thinking about this hatred thing, and I will bring it up in therapy on tuesday. I can honestly say, I don't like the majority of people though. It's more so a lack of desire to get to know most people. I have been let down so many times by the people I love, it is my way of protecting myself. You are right.. I am hurting.

My recent best friend just lost every bit of respect and love I had for her. She was a jealous person, and when a guy would say I was good looking, she'd tell him my very, very personal secrets to deter his attention off of me, on to her. This was someone I confided in and gave my heart to as a friend.. just to be let down. It happens so frequently because I did only get involved with toxic people.

I'm such a loner, it really is hard to meet good people. I can't say I haven't, because I have. I just spend so much of my time alone, that I'm no longer creating a strong bond with anyone...

So..I don't hate people. I hate the kind of people I used to attract, which has scared me into not wanting to associate myself with anyone.

Thank you for pointing that out...