My mother...

Old 11-19-2010, 11:09 AM
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Angry My mother...

I know that I need to let this go and I am not practicing my steps and working them. I sent my mom an email telling her about my progress. She sent me an email this morning asking about how we were doing again. As I have stated before she doesn't want me to leave AH and I am not going to leave right now and do not know if I will ever leave but I am taking the necessary steps to protect me and my boys if and when I do leave my AH.

She doesn't respond to the email which is notorious for my mother. She can't processs bad news at all! Especially now that she is older and has her own anxiety issues etc. It bothers me so much I hate I wrote and replied at all. I have enough on my plate living w/ someone with alcoholism.

Again w/ her passive aggressive attitude she is also trying to control me by not being the good little girl and doing what she feels is best for me!! As one woman has said previously she is projecting her past hurts, resentments on to my life. I need and want her support so bad and I know I will not get it.

About three weeks ago I asked her if I could come and live w/ her for awhile she told me, "Bye for now." Whyam I even talking to her at all?

Like I have said countless times before I am completely alone. AH keeps calling me at work telling me how the anti-depressants make him feel like Superman and how calm he is. Save that BS for later please!!!! Let's see how you do in 6-12 months! 18 months! You are in a honeymoon phase and he feels bad about what he did but it is a lifelong process and a horrible train wreck and merry go round that I am on mainly so my kids will have a father or until I can financially support all of us.

Why am I surprised by her behavior and why do I care?
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Old 11-19-2010, 11:31 AM
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Three Suggestions

One, calling you at work is a way he is controlling and manipulating you-- do not allow it. I suggest telling him to stop and that if he calls you at work you will simply hang up (and then actually do it because he will test you on your resolve). He can take it personally or not, but you'll still hang up. AW never calls me at work unless it is absolutely required. I appreciate that.

Also, while many programs believe any kind of drug including anti-depressants are inappropriate relative to recovery, that is not true of all of them. For people who suffer from depression and alcoholism and believe they need to be treated medically and in a recovery program, this exists- I'm sharing it with you and you may choose to share it with him if you wish.

Two, let go of your mother. She has clearly told you she can't or won't change for you or support you in this so stop asking or expecting. You're just hurting yourself with this. It isn't helping in any way.

Three, Al-Anon, Al-Anon, Al-Anon.

Take care,


P.s. Al-Anon, Al-Anon, Al-Anon.

P.p.s. IN my view if he isn't actively seeking a recovery program on his own beyond the pills, nothing is going to change. Nothing.
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Old 11-19-2010, 11:46 AM
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Please understand that you have been and for that matter still are in a Domestic Violence situation. Oh he may or may not have been physical, however, he has used mental and emotional abuse on you.

Here is a list from google of DV shelters in your area. I post this for you because they do have 'services', usually free of charge that can be of great help to you, both one on one counseling and group:


These shelters and/or centers are a really GREAT source to help you 'sort through' what is going on, give you assistance if you decide you need to take you and the children out of there, etc

In the meantime, sending good thoughts and prayers from N.M.

Love and hugs,
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Old 11-19-2010, 11:50 AM
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Originally Posted by sassyea View Post
Why am I surprised by her behavior and why do I care?
Because she is *supposed* to be your support in situations such as these, and it's only natural to want go find comfort in the one person who should be there for you. It's natural, so please don't beat yourself up about it.

Now you know what to expect from her: nothing. It hurts, and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this without her. I only hope that the people here, and perhaps others that you'll meet through Al-Anon or counselling, can help support you.
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Old 11-19-2010, 12:41 PM
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It's extremely painful to have a mother who doesn't support you.

I quit expecting any approval or support from my mother because I got hurt in the process every time.

I have had to learn how to essentially parent that scared little girl still inside of me.

It's hard, and I'm sorry for your pain, hon. You are not alone in this.
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:30 PM
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I'm an only child of an only child, and started my own little family about 2 or 3 decades "behind" schedule. My FOO are all gone and have been for years.

When the wheels fell off, and I had my "trudging through hell" years, I had no where to turn.....almost.

Luckily, a higher power in the form of a CPS judge, "sentenced " me to Alanon. With out her "suggestion", I probably wouldn't have stuck with it long enough for it to take.

Any way, those "strangers" helped me through things that most blood relatives would have thrown up their hands over. They have become my surrogate family.

LMC (Little Miss Coyote) and I were adopted by a wonderful woman and her whole family. Now I have a "sister" and LMC has an "auntie" who makes a point to spend quality time with her, modeling good behavior and doing the things an involved "blood" aunt would do.

We get to "choose" our family. It actually works much better this way if you think about it and keep an open mind. You are free to choose you own family as well, even if yours aren't dead yet!

We have a saying, "Stop going to the hardware store for bread". IOW, don't waste any more time trying to get your needs met from your mom, she doesn't have it in her to give, and isn't likely to suddenly acquire "it" any time soon, unless SHE were to get into recovery herself.

Keep coming back, here and Alanon. I mean, how can you NOT get your needs met in a room full of codies.

Thanks and God bless us all,
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Old 11-19-2010, 06:31 PM
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Also..going to the well when the well is dry.There are people who WILL support you if you reach out to them.Us here, people at alanon, support staff at your local womens shelter,etc.I am so sorry that your mom isn't supportive and that you feel alone. Just remeber when you are ready, there are people waiting to help. Hang in are NOT alone...
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