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How much help can someone give to someone who doesn't or cannot want help?

Old 11-18-2010, 02:23 PM
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Rising from the Ashes
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How much help can someone give to someone who doesn't or cannot want help?

I've had an AAAAHHHHAAA moment of what's going on with me! My AH wants everything I do, which is limited, to be run through him for his acceptance. He wants me to talk to him, which I have done. When I ask him to do something for me, he just ignores me!

He had an allegic reaction to something. It started with all his arm turning purple. Stupid Me! I recommended that he go see a doctor. Instead he turned this around and accused me of something he thought he knew something about, which wasn't the way he had perceived things at all. My AH's allegic reaction spread as a major rash throughout his entire body. He says he's researched his problem on the internet and he knows what's wrong with him, so now he has quit taking his anti-depressant. He's been diagnosed with major depression. He's been under the care of a psychriatrist and taking his anti-depressant for over two years. My DDH has been complaining about not feeling physically good.

I know by my own experience with allegic reactions, it's not something to be taken lightly. I'm allegic to seafood, especially oysters and crabs, and it affects my respiratory system. Allegic reactions can be very serious. I have had an allegic reaction to some new medicine I was prescribed. Within a couple of hours of taking the medicine I broke out with hives. It doesn't take over two years for a medical reaction to happen.

Most normal people will go see the doctor for their own good. My DDH has refused to take his own responsibility for his own health. He is the father of my children, and if he ever wakes up, they need him in their lifes. How much help can someone give to someone who doesn't or cannot want help?

Any and all suggestions and advice will be appreciated!

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Old 11-18-2010, 02:33 PM
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None. Focus on you and your kids. You can't control him and he'll do whatever he decides to do. By detaching from him and his addiction, you can focus on the needs of your kids and yourself.
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Old 11-18-2010, 02:35 PM
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call 9-1-1?
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Old 11-18-2010, 02:36 PM
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I have felt that way about my husband not going to the doctor regularly for his diabetes.
But what are you going to do? They are grown adults and they get to do what they do.

peace
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Old 11-18-2010, 02:37 PM
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How much help can someone give to someone who doesn't or cannot want help?
None.
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Old 11-18-2010, 02:45 PM
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Call an agent to discuss buying life insurance on them right in front of them?
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Old 11-18-2010, 02:54 PM
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Zero, zip, none, nada.

L

P.S. I've since learned that if someone doesn't want my help, then technically it isn't "help." It's meddling, control, manipulation. Even when I only want what's "best" for them.
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Old 11-18-2010, 03:04 PM
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You mean forcing them to do what I want (go to therapy, quit drinking, be nicer, etc.) for their own good isn't a healthy choice? And won't be successful anyway?

Darn!

peace
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Old 11-18-2010, 03:20 PM
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None..

...the only thing you can do is for you and your children, and this is it:

Home

Also, as the parent of a daughter raised by my alcoholic wife and me, I believe the damage you are inflicting on them while "waiting for him to wake up," is far, far worse than you know, and easily outweighs any benefit of him "waking up" in the future.

This isn't a movie or book, it's real life. My daughter started using drugs at 13. She learned by observing Mom doing it, and dad helping her do it with his enabling.

Be smarter than me. You have no idea of the amount of damage being inflicted on your kids by him every single day. You are letting it happen.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

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Old 11-18-2010, 05:00 PM
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Originally Posted by live View Post
call an agent to discuss buying life insurance on them right in front of them?
lol...
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Old 11-18-2010, 05:21 PM
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You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. You can lead a thirsty hoarse to water, but you can't make it drink if it doesn't want to.
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Old 11-18-2010, 05:58 PM
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When I have been in these relationships where the other person had a drug or alcohol problem, I also thought I would 'help' them. I've learned that when I see that someone ELSE's life is messed up or needs to be lived differently, but that person sees nothing wrong with the way they are living their life, I am the one who gets out of control. Whenever I have analyzed and overanalyzed the situation (which has been plenty, trust me) I may have thought I was the right one (because of my so-called good intentions) but in reality all that was was obsession.

Can't help nobody who can't see there is anything wrong.
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Old 11-18-2010, 06:30 PM
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Whenever I have analyzed and overanalyzed the situation (which has been plenty, trust me) I may have thought I was the right one (because of my so-called good intentions) but in reality all that was was obsession.
Rumination is my middle name. Thinking and obsessing about how to change my ex.
Did I think he was just putty in my hands, when he was always doing what he wanted?
I sure did think about it alot though. All the time.
I am glad I gave up that little pastime, it gives me time to be happy and serene.

Beth
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Old 11-18-2010, 06:36 PM
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Thank you all for your responses! I just wish it wasn't so difficult for me to just "Let go and let God"!

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Old 11-18-2010, 06:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Phoenixthebird View Post
Thank you all for your responses! I just wish it wasn't so difficult for me to just "Let go and let God"!

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It is a process Phoenix.
I think you are moving in the right direction.
You are aware.
Then there is acceptance.
Then there is action.
Keep up the good work.

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Old 11-18-2010, 06:44 PM
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Thank you all for your responses! I just wish it wasn't so difficult for me to just "Let go and let God"!
I think you will burn out eventually. I know I did. I analyzed to death, I tried to do things to help. I bent over backwards. And I finally realized that nothing I did made any difference. Nothing I said made any difference.

And I started living for me again.
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Old 11-18-2010, 06:57 PM
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PhoenixTheBird, first please know I am not saying this in judgment. This is just about my experience, not comparing myself to anyone else or saying my HP is right and someone elses isnt. But what I've learned since getting a higher power, is that letting go and letting God is not a struggle when mastered. For me, that meant developing a stronger relationship with my HP. Once I did that, letting go was so much easier. It didn't hurt less like one might expect though. Strangely enough, the hurt was still as intense, but the obsessiveness and desperation were not. To me, that is the essence of letting go and letting God
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Old 11-18-2010, 07:11 PM
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Girl acceptance is your friend. Listen to L2L, once you start practicing and master letting go, you'll do it regularly and with joy because it offers the solace you've been looking for for so long.
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Old 11-18-2010, 07:12 PM
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The last "conversation" with my DDH concerning his health problems, I told him if he can not take care of himself, than I don't want him to take care of me!

At the beginning of 2010 I was in intensive care and almost died. I am missing a crunk of time that I do not remember. It was literally through the Grace of God that I survived. My doctors, themselves, could not scientifically explain my recovery. I suffer immobility problems, and short term memory recall, but I'm like the Phoenix the bird and am "rising from the ashes".

Well, any way, I had fallen asleep on my bed earlier tonight. My adult son is my caregiver at the present time. He came to check on me and to make sure I had taken my night time medicine. I still share my bedroom with my DDH and he heard my son and I talking about my medicine. He interrupted in our conversation and made some comment about my medicine. I without any thinking just blurted out "I thought I had told you that I don't want you to worry about my medicine".

Of course this got him mad and he stormed out of our bedroom. I didn't follow up this statement with any further words or actions.

I'm kinda proud of myself!

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Old 11-18-2010, 08:54 PM
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I echo everyone else. Ab-so-lute-ly effing nothing.

It's taken me 3 years of being married to my AH to figure that out. I'm glad it didn't take longer. We are separated (and for those who know my story--he's been out at his own place for almost 2 weeks now--YAY) and headed for the divorce train.

I look forward to my toddler growing up in a happy, calm home without alcoholic chaos, and to me, eventually, far, far, far down the road, meeting someone who values me the way I should be valued...someone who's more concerned about a relationship than booze.
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