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Not sure where headed.....

Old 10-30-2003, 06:15 AM
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Unhappy Not sure where headed.....

Right now, I'm just not sure where my marriage is headed...so if this comes out as a bunch of gobblygook...sorry! A week ago, I talked to ah about our issues...or rather, my feeling unappreciated. Then, he says he's saving his money and leaving. Then, he has a complete turn around over the weekend and is Mr. Wonderful...wants more time alone with me, we need to focus on us more.blah blah blah....
Then Monday he becomes Dr. Jekell again. He barely speaks to me, acts like he's all pissed off about the littlest things, has a power struggle with our 4 year old over dinner (my attitude, if he doesn't eat what I make, he doesn't eat period...his attitude, he can sit at the table until he eats his dinner or go to bed..), has a little temper tantrum because our son must have peed behind the toilet and it dried and I hadn't cleaned it yet (Hadn't even stepped foot in the bathroom since I got home from work, was unaware of the smell...) so he washes the bathroom floor (first time in probably 4 years...should we all bow to him?? Hee hee), goes to sleep by 7pm each night on the couch...won't talk to me or son..(nice thing to do to a 4 year old isn't it??) Teed off because he needs new tires on his truck, a tie rod is going bad, he claims the heating core is going bad in truck will cost us probably $1000 to fix everything (the tires alone are expensive as they are bigger then normal tires!) and we don't have that money now (but gee, if he'd work 10 hours a week overtime for 4 weeks, we could do that no problem....plus, his work wants him to work overtime!)...EVERYTHING is bugging him....if I BREATH the wrong way, I'm sure it annoys him! I've just been leaving him alone and doing my own thing...

Last night, he is on the phone with one of our best friends. Once they hang up, about 15 mins. later, the phone rings again, I answer it and it's the same guy he was talking to. This time, he wants to talk to me...he's very concerned..he approached me in a very loving way, was in no way, shape or form trying to be anything other then a friend. He said he is very concerned about myself and my son. He feels that my husband is in essence, mentally abusing us by not talking to us, threatening to leave every time the wind blows the wrong way.. He said that he thinks I deserve more from my ah then I am receiving, it tears him and his wife (who is my best friend) apart to see how my son is starving for male attention (ah has a knack for ignoring him when he's in his depression/using mode) and that everything gets put on me...he said my ah was whinning about how miserable his life is and that he wants me to know that I am a good person and that my ah problems are HIS problems, I've done nothing wrong and that he doesn't want to see me unhappy because I'm afraid to be alone, of failure whatever. He also said that he and his wife are always there for me (he is my husband's cousin as well...so I'm sure this wasn't easy for them)....and that I am family to him. I think he was just trying to let me know that things aren't my fault, my husband has problems that he'll still have whether or not we are married...he said I've been the best thing that has ever happened to my ah and that he's a fool for not seeing it and he HOPES he realizes it before it's too late...and that my ah needs to be forced to make a choice..grow up or get out. Man is that true, he's 32 but trying to live his life like he's 18 with no responsibilities! (that's me speaking there!)

After we got off the phone, I thought about it and he's right (of course I've known this all along..), my marriage has been based on HIM calling the shots and me doing whatever to keep the peace...I do NOT want to get divorced, however, I am willing to do what it takes, even get divorced, to be treated well. I had a talk with my ah, er...tried to, of course, he kept quiet and said "here we go again" and then made some comment about "I'm not a human"...twisting it into not being responsible for his actions and his lack of contribution to our marriage lately. I told him that I'm tired of his moods and taking out on us and ignoring his own son..and I feel that he needs to go back on his medication because when he's on it, he's like a different person (which, by the way, at least 10 people have made comments to me stating he seems different in the last month...which he does!) and I left it at that...I'm not trying to control him, I just am at the end of my rope...I will not live like this for any longer...the sad thing is, we both know that finanically, he's dependent on me much more then me on him (I make about 2 xs more then he does...but I've also got a lot more education in then he does and have worked at the same job for 7 almost 8 years)...he's using the money as an excuse to be selfish. I mean, if he really wants to go, then go...don't sit there and say that he needs to "save the money"...because he doesn't know what the word "save" means....
I'm just in a state of confusion right now, not sure what step to take next, what to say to him...should I bring it up again? Should I leave it as I said last night? I really do not want to get a divorce, but I am so tired of him treating me this way...one can only take it for so long...sorry this got so long, didn't mean to, just trying to sort some things out..anyone have a similar experience? How do you get them to leave? It has to be him leaving as I have the dogs and our son to look after and I have no where to take all of them.....
Any suggestions as to how to get through this?? Our son is supposed to spend the night at his grandparents on Sat. which is fine and supposed to be a time for "us" to spend together...I wonder what will become of that, for me, if he drinks..I guess that's one more sign that his priority isn't our marriage huh???

Okay folks, bare with me here...things could get rough...but I'll bounce back...just might be more of a whinnier then normal...
Thanks!
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Old 10-30-2003, 06:49 AM
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Somebody told me once that when I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, I'll do something about it. My A has the same attitude about dinner with the child as yours does, and I have the same attitude that you do. I can also relate to the split persoanlity thing, too- I call the other personality "Cain". He knows about it, too, and sometimes (when he's sober" laughs at it, casue he knows he's wrong. The problem I think is here, though, is yours hasn't realized he's wrong yet. One of the biggest reasons I haven't followed through with throwing mine out is also because he's financially dependent on me for the most part, and he realyl doesn't have anywhere else to go. You and I are feeling more GUILT than LOVE. I think you're really lucky to have one of his friends agree with you, and be there for you; it would be worse if everyone else in his life thought there was nothing wrong with him. Keep on keeping on. If you feel strong enough to throw him out and mean it, do it. If not, it's OK, the time may come when you know you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. But if Saturday comes and he starts to drink or use, I would suggest you find something else to do without him. You're child-free for the night- enjoy it somehow!
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Old 10-30-2003, 06:58 AM
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Mindy,
Thanks, exactly what I needed to hear...believe me, if he uses Sat. I'll go to the mall, maybe a movie and dinner by myself! He doens't get it..he comes from a long line of "poor me" people! His mom acts the same way and he can't stand it..yet here he is, doing the same thing and it's okay! Right now, I haven't honestly made a decision either way...I don't want a divorce, yet I don't want to be treated badly...when he is the man I met (there is still glimmers of him from time to time) he is the most wonderful husband in the world....I honestly believe that he needs his meds and that is what he is lacking right now..when he's on them, he is the man I met and fell in love with...however, I do realize that is something only HE can decide to do. I think I'm beyond the guilt part...I don't feel guilty, he has choices to make...I just feel that if he's that miserable being married to me, then he needs to end it now...if he wants to be married to me, he needs to act like it!

Thanks!
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Old 10-30-2003, 07:01 AM
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Hey Sped, I sure can't help you, but I swear we're living parallel lives.

I am pondering where my marriage is headed. It had been getting better, but then last night he just went off out of the blue on my 11 year old son (mine from a previous marriage, who's father is still very much in the picture). My son asked him permission to hook his tv back up in his room. We unhooked it last week when he got in trouble for some minor infraction. Anyway, my husband just launched on him and told him he didn't want him living with us anymore and that he needed to go live with his father, that when he turned 18 he'd better never see him again, and god only knows what else. I just lost it. I don't think I've ever been so angry in all my life. I told him if he ever spoke to him that way again he wouldn't live to see another day, and I meant it. I think I still do. I just can't stomach attacking a child. Mind you, I didn't go off in front of the kids, it was after they were in bed and sleeping. I'm just still stunned that he would say that. I mean, it's a kid for Gods sake, how can a kid defend against a verbal assault like that?

I guess it's just struck me this morning that my A does the emotional roller coaster not only with me, but with my kids. One night he'll be promising the kids the moon, the next he takes it all back and degrades them. I can deal with it being directed towards me, I'm grown and can defend myself. The only defense my kids have is me. I can't stick around and let him destroy them hoping he'll get his act together.

I've decided he can have everything. I don't care, I don't want it. I just want away from him. I'll probably start taking my things to my mom and dad's this evening.
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Old 10-30-2003, 07:09 AM
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Originally posted by spedteach
Mindy,
I don't want a divorce, yet I don't want to be treated badly...when he is the man I met (there is still glimmers of him from time to time) he is the most wonderful husband in the world....I honestly believe that he needs his meds and that is what he is lacking right now..when he's on them, he is the man I met and fell in love with...however, I do realize that is something only HE can decide to do.

Thanks!
Sped teach
I feel exactly the same way Sped teach. I'm just realizing (hopefully) that although my ah is a wonderful guy probably 70% of the time, I can't keep exposing my kids to the ugly man he is 30% of the time. I just hope and pray I've got the nads to just pack my stuff up and go this evening.
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Old 10-30-2003, 07:13 AM
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JustFedUp,
Fortunately, my ah doesn't belittle our son, however, he just ignores him or tells him to go watch cartoons and leave daddy alone. My son thinks we have separate bedrooms since he sleeps on the couch more then in our bed! Well, I guess I'm a bit stubborn, I really have no where else to go and since he has only one person to pack up and get out, HE needs to be the one to leave!! I think that several of us live parallel lives here. I can tell you this, I think your name is fitting for me right now!
I want to scream "I am woman, hear me roar!" loudly for all the world to see.
My son right now, just adores his mom and dad and this will tear him apart, and guess who gets to deal with that?? Yup, mommy...but that's okay, we'll make it....
I guess right now, I'm willing to get a divorce no matter how rough it'll be on me mentally and emotionally..it's not being alone I fear...it's being a failure I think that is what I'm most afraid...also, a part of me is very afraid of not having him around...the him that is the man I fell in love with! But that too is something time will heal....
Heck, today he'll probably turn back into Prince Charming...but I won't fall for it...
Just like you, I don't discuss this when our son is awake...not fair to him!

We can help one another through this!

Keep hanging on!
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Old 10-30-2003, 07:27 AM
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Thanks SpedTeach. I've been with my ah 8 years and he hasn't belittled my son until recently. I fully believe he's on the downward spiral to complete insanity. I don't want to be around when it happens, but I don't want to just give up either. My daughter would be devastated if we were to get divorced. She's 6 and she loves him to death. It's all very difficult. I'm hoping maybe some distance between the both of us will give us each time to figure out what is most important.
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Old 10-30-2003, 07:37 AM
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JustFedUp,
I don't want to be around while mine slowly but surely kills himself with what he's doing. Also, my son, being at such an impressionable age, I don't want him growing up thinking that it's normal for a dad to sleep on the couch (my ah's dad slept on the couch during his last marriage which ended in divorce after 25 years due to his drinking!! He thinks its "normal" for a man to sleep on the couch!) or treat his wife and kids like crap when he's in a foul mood!!! My little guy is so loving and is so innocent! I need to protect him from this craziness and right now, I too hope I have the balls to walk the walk and talk the talk. I think if we get divorced, or even separated, it'll push him over the edge...but NOT my problem or fault. He knows that deep down, everyone else has already turned their backs..it's pretty sad when his family is supportive of ME and not him....and he knows it....but he has friends, at least a bunch of them when he wants to go out drinking and being irresponsible!!
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Old 10-30-2003, 09:31 AM
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We want so bad for things to just be "normal"... But the way they live their lives IS their idea of "normal". How do we unteach that? How do we get them to believe that things could be so much better if only they would try harder to be sober and clean? Unfortunately, we don't. THEY have to realize it, even though everyone else in the **** world sees the destructiveness of their behavior, they think it's "normal" and why can't we just leave them alone to be who they are? Y'know what? We deserve a hell of a lot better than that. Our kids deserve a hell of a lot better than that. And really, THEY deserve better than what they're allowing themselves to be. I wish I had answers... but instead only more questions. I can only say I feel for you, I relate, and I hope that thinkgs will get better, with him or without him, whichever you choose.
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Old 10-30-2003, 10:17 AM
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Spedteach,
This sounds so familiar it's eerie...
Here's what I have learned, having been through this before.

An active A has very low self-worth.
They have an inner sense of the havoc their are causing in their own lives, and they live with the depression and sadness every day. They are NOT happy, they are NOT satisfied... and they are searching for some way to make themselves feel better. The easiest way? Make everyone else, the world, and US, responsible for their feelings. This way, they don't have to feel shame and guilt for the dysfunction in their own life. Sometimes they may be aware that they are "addicted", but not ready to admit it - they become masters of denial.

And we want answers.
We try to smooth things over, and tiptoe around so as not to disturb them. But it doesn't matter how careful we are... they will find a way to put it on us - they have to. If they took any responsibility for the dysfunction in the relationship, for the behavior etc., it would mean that they would have to admit defeat. They are still fighting... not yet ready to surrender.
For me, things started to escalate with his erratic mean and nasty behavior. It was my AH's last ditch effort to hang on to his addiction. He was now aware of the destruction it was causing, and was trying to find an "out"; some way to still make it possible to live in his insanity.

So here's what I learned.
I had to STOP playing the "game".
Stop reacting to and allowing myself to be responsible for him. If someone voiced their concern for me (as your husbands friend did), I told them they were right, no matter how much shame I felt. And I used all the strength I had to keep my hands off and my mouth shut. This was HIS disease; this is HIS to deal with.
And I began to pick up the pieces of my life that I had lost along the way.
What was I all about? What do I love to do? What makes me happy? What do I need / want? And anytime HE came up in the answer, I started all over again.

You know what ended up happening?
I began to take pride in myself. I began to discover who I was, and what I had to offer. I began to dream and have ambitions... and I began to let go of wanting to control it all.
And him?
He got angrier and more beligerant. He dissapeared for days at a time. He called me every name in the book, and when that didn't work, he cried and blubbered like a little baby.
BUT...
Eventually he felt the weight of the disease. He saw what was happening to him, and he began to admit that he needed help. There was no one to help him along anymore and he was losing his grip on life.

There are no guarantees when it comes to your addict.
But there are choices for YOU, and there is always a better way than what you are living right now.
You deserve to be happy girl - you'll find that happiness within yourself. But only if you make room and give him back his disease.

Take care
Meg
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Old 10-30-2003, 10:37 AM
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Great insight Meg! I believe you are dead on.

I know everyone says to not react, go on about your own business etc.., but what do you do when it's not you but your kid he's going after? I'm certain I reacted completely the wrong way last night, but I literally just snapped, totally lost it. It did just fuel the fire and gave him an opening to just let loose with the verbal assaults on me, but I'm at a loss as to how to handle that situation again if it were ever to arise.
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Old 10-30-2003, 11:40 AM
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Emotional Meg,

Very insightful indeed! I have been giving his disease back to him, but I guess I'm just tired of being treated as if I don't exist. I will take your suggestions and put them to work in my life.....I will find out what makes me happy....as a matter of fact, there are a couple of things that do make me happy...one of them is exercise as an outlet for frustrations and I've been making a point to go exercise every day after work (still not very motivated to get up and exercise on the weekends!)...and reading. I LOVE to read and have been doing those. However, I will still keep looking at how to fulfill my life and not focus my life around him. You are dead on that he is beating himself up more then anyone else can or will. I guess right now, I don't feel sorry for him. He has the tools he needs to help himself, he knows what to do and only he can do it. I don't feel sorry for myself either, I know what I need to do for me and that is take care of me Thanks to the people here, I am learning and growing each day...even if it's smaller then baby steps at this point! thanks again, I'll have to keep re-reading that post and reminding myself of what you said!

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