Alcoholic Mom won't come for Christmas if she can't bring booze
 

My mother and I were talking about the possibility of her coming to our place for Christmas. I told her we are now and alcohol-free family now and that means no booze in the house, both because I am a recovering addict/alcoholic, and because my husband and I recently converted to Mormonism, which we try to keep the things we do not want in our lives out of our homes (alcohol is one of those things).

She says "Well, I could just drink outside on the porch-- it's the same as smoking on the porch." Ummm, no it's not! People who have a cigarette don't come back in DRUNK. They keep their cigarettes in their purse or pocket, not in my food cabinets. Not to mention that is entirely hypocritical (I guess? Seems the best way to describe it) because YOU won't even let people smoke on YOUR back porch, you make them go off your property to smoke. Also, if I went and did my drug of choice at her house and said it was okay because I did it on the back porch, she would have me hauled off to rehab!

Then she told me that if it was going to be a problem, she just won't come. Great, you had a chance to see your daughter, son-in-law, and grandson (We live in AZ, she lives in FL. She has only seen him 3 times in his 27 month life) but apparently getting drunk on Christmas alone sounds like a better option.

Last time she brought her booze to a family function, my uncle's boyfriend's sister (a recovering alcoholic) relapsed on her booze. Not entirely her fault, of course, but still, she should know it's not a good idea to bring alcohol to the face of someone who is an alcoholic in early recovery! It matters more to her to have her booze than it does that her loved ones who are trying, stay sober.

:headbange

Sorry about the let down.

It is frustrating when our loved ones choose their d.o.c. over their family. (((hugs)))

Be gentle with yourself. You and your life partner have set healthy boundaries for yourselves and your child. You are a good mom and dad!

How other people choose to react to your boundaries is out of your control.

Great, sounds like it's settled to me. You get to start a NEW family tradition of alcohol free holidays. Good for you. Send her a card.

Of course, seeing as this is total manipulation BS, if you stand by your boundary, after a few days, she'll probably reluctantly agree, then figure out a way to come and get drunk any way.

My money's on scenario number two.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

I have to agree with coyote on this one.
You set a boundary for your family. (good for you)
Your mom is rebelling against the boundary. (that's one of the things people do who get boundaries they don't like)
I suggest you hold the boundary and *let go* of what your mom does - feel hurt, feel angry, throw a temper tantrum, cry, rage, ignore you, pretend she didn't hear the boundary, give you the silent treatment, say she accepts then brings alcohol anyway, blame you for ruining her life, blame you and say you don't love her, minimize her drinking problem, etc. etc.
All you have to do is keep that boundary loving and firm and be prepared to follow through on consequences if she breaks it.

I admire your courage!
:) peace

I admire you for setting your boundary, putting your recovery and your family first, and I understand your frustration.

I suggest you tell her to have a happy holiday.

Don't worry, I am quite good at detaching. I learned from the best.

My daughter is newly sober and we drink, but this holiday will be dry because she is really early in sobriety.I am so sorry your mom doesn't want to support your sobriety..I know you have struggled alot this year.But I am really proud of you for putting your sobriety and you family's well being first.:ring I hope you have a great holiday with your little guy!

umm, I guess she will be missed.

Sounds like your mother will be spending a lonely Christmas....just her and the bottle. Her choice. Congratulations on your new family boundaries! :)

Merry Christmas to you, Mom, Merry Christmas to you! Sorry that you are not joining us for the holidays! Merry Christmas to you!

I truly admire you for establishing, communicating, and upholding this boundary.
IMO it's best the baby does not get attached to his boozing, smoking G-Ma anyway cause she's a bad influence.

she doesn't smoke. She made the statement that drinking on our back porch is the same as someone smoking on the back porch.

Our family takes turns hosting Christmas, and up to now I have been a heavy smoker.
Two of my daughters gave up smoking before becoming pregnant, have not smoked since and their homes are totally smoke free. Christmas day begins at 10am and can go thru till midnight, and I chose to leave my smokes at home for the day.

I would prefer to lose a limb, rather than miss being with my girls and grandkids, so 1 measly day out of 365 is a doddle.

I'm with Coyote in that she is likely to drink somehow if she comes.

Frankly I would just send her a card, wish her a happy Christmas and tell her you are sorry she feels unable to come and join in YOUR Christmas.

Maybe her spending this time alone with the bottle will be a blessing, and she will be at the next one with you.....prepared to not drink in your home.

Whichever it is, have a wonderful and fulfilling Christmas at your place.

it will be easier the next time, if you stick to your boundary this time.

next time, she will probably try again, but it won't be as big a deal, as the expectation has been established.

:rotfxko Only when she smokes on the back porch, she doesn't stagger back in the house, slur "Come here" to one of her grandkids, put the child in a headlock while rubbing his/her head saying "I love ya, ya little f*****er".

Keep those boundaries in place and enjoy a wonderful and peaceful holiday!

Hugs, HG

My mom really is not like you all make it seem. She is a workaholic clean freak, exercise guru, physical therapist assistant, who drinks a few rum and cokes a day (never seen her stumbling-around drunk in my life, but she always seems to have that slight buzz going on). She does not generally get sloshed and do dumb ****. She just can't go without those few rum and cokes for a week or two, THAT is what bothers me, not so much her behavior while drinking.

I suppose there are different 'styles' of alcoholism, you know, a different portrait painted of the alcoholic... One time when she came over and I found her cleaning my standing fan from the bedroom with bleach in the bath tub. She helped DH take care of my son when I was in rehab (he was about 18 months at the time) She made sure he got a bath every night, and put his prescription lotion on him. She had his eczema clearer than it ever was before or has been since (though we are making progress with it.)

In any case, though, I do have a problem that she can not leave her drinks behind her, yet she would judge others for their behavior (she is also very judgmental. I hope I am painting a clearer picture for you all, as I don't want you to think she is more... afflicted... than she is (but she's afflicted at all, and that is what matters). She has a girlfriend, but her gf is married and has kids, and will probably be spending Christmas with her family. My mom will likely spend Christmas by herself, or my brother or my sister and her fiancée and their new baby (due TOMORROW, lol!). Or she'll spend it alone. Or with some co-workers. Whatever. I highly doubt she is going to get plastered and try to make out with her Christmas tree, lol, she'll probably just have those 3 or 4 drinks during the day.

By most people's standards, she would not be an alcoholic at all, (because she doesn't get worse, she's been drinking this way for 25 years!) but the fact that she is unwilling to give up her booze a bit to be with family, that is a red flag for me. And she loves my son, he told her "I love you" over the phone the other night for the first time, and she started crying, it was sweet.

The fact that alcohol trumps that-- just a few drinks-- shows to me that she has a problem, but she can't see it. She just thinks I am judging her because my husband and I converted to Mormonism (that is part of the reason, but also because I don't want the temptation around ME, threatening MY sobriety.) It is a decision we made to protect our family, and she refuses to see it as such.

Will you be giving up your DOC as well over christmas though?

I personally think you are being a bit hard on her.

My aunty is dying and I would give my high teeth to have one more christmas with her and my baby and family.

If she has a few drinks but knows when to stop is that really a problem?

Sorry if I have misread anything that might make my post wrong or insensitive. Really don't want to come across like that.

Take care
xx

I am sorry, One With Wings, I meant no harm by my comment. Just speaking from personal experience. I can't walk past someone who smells of gin and cigarettes without thinking "Grandma"!

You have every right to your boundary. Your house, your rules, your sobriety that you are protecting with everything you have. She may pout for a while, but she will get over it and learn to work with your new boundary.

Best to you and all your family for this coming holiday!
Hugs, HG

Yes, I have been clean almost 2 months now.

I agree, and good for you in establishing healthy boundaries. :)

I know the pain of having a dysfunctional mother, and though my mom doesn't drink, she does have her issues.

We keep our family get-togethers limited to a neutral location, and to a few hours.

With a little one at home, your circumstances are different. I'm just sorry your mom put the alcohol first. That's got to hurt. :hug: