Boundaries. Again.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Boundaries. Again.
Focusing on myself, on why I operate the way I do and how to make my life better is an ongoing struggle with me. Some may remember the torture I put myself through last summer with the neighbors whose little girl is friends with my youngest son. I worried about everyones feelings but mine. Strange to me to admit this is how I operate when issues of my own boundaries come up, but it's my truth and i have to sort though it. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Someone printed the following chart of healthy, collapsed and rigid boundaries, which is a great tool in identifying which type of boundaries I currently am engaged in, but changing them is still a challenge for me.
At this point I would say I have a combination of all three boundary types: healthy, collapsed and rigid.
Today I need to set clearer boundaries with the man I'm dating. It shouldn't be this painful for me, but he's getting on my nerves, texting me two, three times a day and it's always about sex. He's obsessed, which is too bad because there are about 15 other things about me and my life I want to talk about every day that are wonderful, but this is the one thing he's focusing on.
It's annoying me. I mean, in the morning when I'm getting kids ready, in the afternoon while I"m in meetings, I get these very romantic texts.
This might be as simple as I'm not available for the type of relationship he wants as I have children at home and he doesn't. I run a business, am a single parent and a full life that I love. I think he loves his life too but is very fixated on me.
What I think is annoying me more, and this is very important, is my own anger at myself for feeling like I can't articulate my boundary right away. I've let it build up, quickly. Instead of talking to him right away, I panic and withdraw.
How messed up is that?
I've been trying to figure out why I'm no longer jumping up and down with joy when I get these texts and emails from him, but the fact is I don't. We had a wonderful night together, yes. I really enjoyed myself and so did he. But now I'm doing my life and would love to talk to him about that in addition to the sex talk, but that's all he's doing.
I was in meetings from 2-11pm last night because an investor wants to expand my newspaper by January into Arizona! This is very exciting news and we're working on a presentation for this guy by Monday. I called him and told him and he was excited for me too. Since, however, there has been no communication from him asking about that or any other aspect of my life. Just how he wants to get me back in bed.
In the middle of this marathon meeting last night, I got an email from him saying, "Does it seem to you like its been about a year or so since we were together?"
Um, no, it feels like I dunno, last Friday since we were together.
And this morning, first thing, a text about what he wants to do to me. Very tasteful, but still..
I"m okay with this being a purely adult relationship (if you get my meaning) but he's going to have to know that I don't have the time or attention span to cater to his constant fantasies.
ANYway- here's the best part.
I call my beautiful sister and ask her wtf is wrong with me, why can't I easily set boundaries and she says,
You're kidding right? We have had enough ******* **** in our lives when people have treated us badly, it makes sense that we wouldn't want to create more situations where people aren’t nice to us or don’t’ like us-but we’re not creating that situation Transform, we’re taking care of ourselves.
Biggest issue in my life right now is an aversion tactic. I resist. I get social anxiety and don’t leave the house. I stay inside I don’t leave. It’s not pleasant and it’s not going to get me anywhere.
This, from my amazing rock star sister!
Ah, I love my sisters. They get me, offer sane, loving advice and never try to blame me. They don't need to because they know I'm already doing that. Thank you Creator for my Sisters.
So, I'm going to send Tall Editor Obsessed Loverboy an email, a nice clear one that will include the boundaries listed below and talk to him honestly like I would any friend.
And damn my issues about being afraid of rejection or abandonment! I've done nothing wrong. I was honest and up front about my life with this man and he went into the situation opened eyed.
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
• You can say no or yes, and you are ok when others say no to you.
• You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
• You expect reciprocity in a relationship—you share responsibility and power.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
• You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• You know your own wants, needs and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your relationships.
• You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it.
• You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.
COLLAPSED BOUNDARIES
• You can’t say no, because you are afraid of rejection or abandonment.
• Your identity consists of what you think others want you to be. You are a chameleon.
• You have no balance of power or responsibility in your relationships. You tend to be either overly responsible and controlling or passive and dependent.
• You take on other’s problems as your own.
• You share personal information too soon. . .before establishing mutual trust/sharing.
• You have a high tolerance for abuse or being treated with disrespect.
• Your wants, needs and feelings are secondary to others’ and are sometimes determined by others.
• You ignore your inner voice and allow others expectations to define your potential.
• You feel responsible for other’s happiness and fulfillment and sometimes rely on your relationships to create that for you.
• You tend to absorb the feelings of others.
• You rely on others opinions, feelings and ideas more than you do your own.
• You allow others to define your limits or try to define limits for others.
• You compromise your values and beliefs in order to please others or to avoid conflict.
RIGID BOUNDARIES
• You are likely to say no if the request involves close interaction.
• You avoid intimacy (pick fights, stay too busy, etc.)
• You fear abandonment OR engulfment, so you avoid closeness.
• You rarely share personal information.
• You have difficulty identifying wants, needs, feelings.
• You have few or no close relationships. If you have a partner, you have very separate lives and virtually no shared social life.
• You rarely ask for help.
• You do not allow yourself to connect with other people and their problems.
________________________________________
Someone printed the following chart of healthy, collapsed and rigid boundaries, which is a great tool in identifying which type of boundaries I currently am engaged in, but changing them is still a challenge for me.
At this point I would say I have a combination of all three boundary types: healthy, collapsed and rigid.
Today I need to set clearer boundaries with the man I'm dating. It shouldn't be this painful for me, but he's getting on my nerves, texting me two, three times a day and it's always about sex. He's obsessed, which is too bad because there are about 15 other things about me and my life I want to talk about every day that are wonderful, but this is the one thing he's focusing on.
It's annoying me. I mean, in the morning when I'm getting kids ready, in the afternoon while I"m in meetings, I get these very romantic texts.
This might be as simple as I'm not available for the type of relationship he wants as I have children at home and he doesn't. I run a business, am a single parent and a full life that I love. I think he loves his life too but is very fixated on me.
What I think is annoying me more, and this is very important, is my own anger at myself for feeling like I can't articulate my boundary right away. I've let it build up, quickly. Instead of talking to him right away, I panic and withdraw.
How messed up is that?
I've been trying to figure out why I'm no longer jumping up and down with joy when I get these texts and emails from him, but the fact is I don't. We had a wonderful night together, yes. I really enjoyed myself and so did he. But now I'm doing my life and would love to talk to him about that in addition to the sex talk, but that's all he's doing.
I was in meetings from 2-11pm last night because an investor wants to expand my newspaper by January into Arizona! This is very exciting news and we're working on a presentation for this guy by Monday. I called him and told him and he was excited for me too. Since, however, there has been no communication from him asking about that or any other aspect of my life. Just how he wants to get me back in bed.
In the middle of this marathon meeting last night, I got an email from him saying, "Does it seem to you like its been about a year or so since we were together?"
Um, no, it feels like I dunno, last Friday since we were together.
And this morning, first thing, a text about what he wants to do to me. Very tasteful, but still..
I"m okay with this being a purely adult relationship (if you get my meaning) but he's going to have to know that I don't have the time or attention span to cater to his constant fantasies.
ANYway- here's the best part.
I call my beautiful sister and ask her wtf is wrong with me, why can't I easily set boundaries and she says,
You're kidding right? We have had enough ******* **** in our lives when people have treated us badly, it makes sense that we wouldn't want to create more situations where people aren’t nice to us or don’t’ like us-but we’re not creating that situation Transform, we’re taking care of ourselves.
Biggest issue in my life right now is an aversion tactic. I resist. I get social anxiety and don’t leave the house. I stay inside I don’t leave. It’s not pleasant and it’s not going to get me anywhere.
This, from my amazing rock star sister!
Ah, I love my sisters. They get me, offer sane, loving advice and never try to blame me. They don't need to because they know I'm already doing that. Thank you Creator for my Sisters.
So, I'm going to send Tall Editor Obsessed Loverboy an email, a nice clear one that will include the boundaries listed below and talk to him honestly like I would any friend.
And damn my issues about being afraid of rejection or abandonment! I've done nothing wrong. I was honest and up front about my life with this man and he went into the situation opened eyed.
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
• You can say no or yes, and you are ok when others say no to you.
• You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
• You expect reciprocity in a relationship—you share responsibility and power.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
• You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• You know your own wants, needs and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your relationships.
• You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it.
• You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.
COLLAPSED BOUNDARIES
• You can’t say no, because you are afraid of rejection or abandonment.
• Your identity consists of what you think others want you to be. You are a chameleon.
• You have no balance of power or responsibility in your relationships. You tend to be either overly responsible and controlling or passive and dependent.
• You take on other’s problems as your own.
• You share personal information too soon. . .before establishing mutual trust/sharing.
• You have a high tolerance for abuse or being treated with disrespect.
• Your wants, needs and feelings are secondary to others’ and are sometimes determined by others.
• You ignore your inner voice and allow others expectations to define your potential.
• You feel responsible for other’s happiness and fulfillment and sometimes rely on your relationships to create that for you.
• You tend to absorb the feelings of others.
• You rely on others opinions, feelings and ideas more than you do your own.
• You allow others to define your limits or try to define limits for others.
• You compromise your values and beliefs in order to please others or to avoid conflict.
RIGID BOUNDARIES
• You are likely to say no if the request involves close interaction.
• You avoid intimacy (pick fights, stay too busy, etc.)
• You fear abandonment OR engulfment, so you avoid closeness.
• You rarely share personal information.
• You have difficulty identifying wants, needs, feelings.
• You have few or no close relationships. If you have a partner, you have very separate lives and virtually no shared social life.
• You rarely ask for help.
• You do not allow yourself to connect with other people and their problems.
________________________________________
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Thanks for that. I'm going to print out those 3. Very helpful--I can run down the sheet when confused about some aspect of a relationship and see where the situation falls on that list.
As for loverboy--he may be just trying to keep himself in your thoughts--going about it a different way than you would.
Keep you sexually charged when you are thinking about him, but also simply seeking attention.
You could find out if this is a fatal flaw or just his style by asking him to change it. I'd do that gingerly...without making a huge deal of it. Just something simple like--how about texts about other topics we may relate to and can share?
Just a suggestion.
As for loverboy--he may be just trying to keep himself in your thoughts--going about it a different way than you would.
Keep you sexually charged when you are thinking about him, but also simply seeking attention.
You could find out if this is a fatal flaw or just his style by asking him to change it. I'd do that gingerly...without making a huge deal of it. Just something simple like--how about texts about other topics we may relate to and can share?
Just a suggestion.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 131
Love your post! I too am going to copy your boundary list and refer to it often. I've got way too many collapsed and rigid boundaries and far too few healthy ones!!
Good for you in identifying an area where you need to set a boundary. Sounds to me like you're in touch with your feelings and taking care of yourself!!
Good for you in identifying an area where you need to set a boundary. Sounds to me like you're in touch with your feelings and taking care of yourself!!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,851
Ugh...the quickest way to turn me off is to be needy and always calling or texting. Geez...give me some space! Of course, I'm ornery enough to fire back a message something like...Dude! Knock it off! You're smothering me and I'm tired of the sex talk. But, that's just me and probably a big reason why I'm not seriously involved in a relationship. 
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Dude! Knock it off! You're smothering me and I'm tired of the sex talk.
Perfect!
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Hummmm. This could very well be a text book example of the dreaded "White-Madness". He is showing all the symptoms. Poor, poor man.
I, myself, have experienced this debilitating disease. It is all consuming and can be quite maddening.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
I, myself, have experienced this debilitating disease. It is all consuming and can be quite maddening.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I have to laugh Transformie...I think I read that men think about sex every 6-8 seconds, so maybe in his mind he is trying to restrain himself! ahahahahahha
Look, it annoys me too.
There is a point where I start feeling very objectified and it turns me off.
Look, it annoys me too.
There is a point where I start feeling very objectified and it turns me off.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I like to deal with things with humor and a light hand when I can...
How about returning a text each time with a slightly flirtatious twist of how your business is taking off???
That should get his attention. Without having to make an ISSUE out of it.
ROFLMAO
How about returning a text each time with a slightly flirtatious twist of how your business is taking off???
That should get his attention. Without having to make an ISSUE out of it.
ROFLMAO
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Well thank you Live for reminding me to use humor!
And Coyote, do I dare ask what White Madness is?/
Just spoke to him on the phone re: scheduling an interview with a family we both need to work with. I chatted him up about my life and told him I catch myself wondering why he "likes" me, but quickly realize I'm 46 and don't have to let my insecurities run my life anymore.
Later in the conversation he said, "well I look forward to getting a call from you that is not work related."
I told him that most likely wouldn't be for a few days with the work load I have right now. He said, "I'll work on not letting my insecurities get in the driver seat as well."
I said, thats right, you're 54 you don't need to feel that way anymore
and we laughed.
Great way to handle it, I think! Yet I still get myself all worked up about it...
And Coyote, do I dare ask what White Madness is?/
Just spoke to him on the phone re: scheduling an interview with a family we both need to work with. I chatted him up about my life and told him I catch myself wondering why he "likes" me, but quickly realize I'm 46 and don't have to let my insecurities run my life anymore.
Later in the conversation he said, "well I look forward to getting a call from you that is not work related."
I told him that most likely wouldn't be for a few days with the work load I have right now. He said, "I'll work on not letting my insecurities get in the driver seat as well."
I said, thats right, you're 54 you don't need to feel that way anymore
and we laughed.
Great way to handle it, I think! Yet I still get myself all worked up about it...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I want to know what white-madness is too. I thought I was probably the only one clueless because I don't kow any pop culture.
I don't know whether you are pulling my leg or not, Transforme...but as long as I am laughing no once gets hurt.
giggle.
I don't know whether you are pulling my leg or not, Transforme...but as long as I am laughing no once gets hurt.
giggle.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Pulling your leg on what Live? Thanking you for reminding me to use humor? You're the woman with the answers in my book!
Ok Coyote. Cough it up..
And Suki-I looked up sexting. I think I"m NOT into that. Now IRL I'm a handful, but dirty talk through the phone? No thanks..
Ok Coyote. Cough it up..
And Suki-I looked up sexting. I think I"m NOT into that. Now IRL I'm a handful, but dirty talk through the phone? No thanks..
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Well my know it all sister just called me back to remind me that I've been CALLING this guy for some time now. "Lets see Transform," she taunted me. "you've been telling me for a good year now that you want an older guy who you can respect who gets what you do for a living and adores you. Now you're not happy?"
You wait until i see her!
You wait until i see her!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by transformyself 
Well my know it all sister just called me back to remind me that I've been CALLING this guy for some time now. "Lets see Transform," she taunted me. "you've been telling me for a good year now that you want an older guy who you can respect who gets what you do for a living and adores you. Now you're not happy?"
You wait until i see her!
You wait until i see her!
Tell her I said, "touche"
i think the white madness is being all consumed with you.
oh wait, maybe white madness is like reefer madness,
but it has to do with sex and you.
nah, i just wanted to say reefer madness to you.
did you notice both inflatables float?
is that a bonus?
Last edited by wicked; 11-18-2010 at 11:36 AM. Reason: hehehehehe
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
YOU WIN, TC!!!!!!!!!!
I started laughing so loud and so hard, my guy just had to know what was going on that could be that hysterical!
I do get it, Transformie....he needs to adore ALL of you equally and not be so...um..focused. Okay, he is a guy, not equally, but should pretend really well. You can train him, you are a lioness...simple conditioning works.
since, we had already been joking I didn't know if you were punning me about the reminder to use humor. and I had some slight puns about HANDling it lightly but knew that probably didn't come across and I did go back and lighten it up from what I had originally posted.
I am most interested in me having fun and enjoying my life. That really sounds selfish, but it works for me. and when you are having fun other people like to have fun with you..it attracts.
Preaching to the choir but just re-stating some basics we all know....when I get confused it is usually because I have neglected those.
I wonder if I could use one of those as my floatie in the pool next summer???????????
I started laughing so loud and so hard, my guy just had to know what was going on that could be that hysterical!
I do get it, Transformie....he needs to adore ALL of you equally and not be so...um..focused. Okay, he is a guy, not equally, but should pretend really well. You can train him, you are a lioness...simple conditioning works.
since, we had already been joking I didn't know if you were punning me about the reminder to use humor. and I had some slight puns about HANDling it lightly but knew that probably didn't come across and I did go back and lighten it up from what I had originally posted.
I am most interested in me having fun and enjoying my life. That really sounds selfish, but it works for me. and when you are having fun other people like to have fun with you..it attracts.
Preaching to the choir but just re-stating some basics we all know....when I get confused it is usually because I have neglected those.
I wonder if I could use one of those as my floatie in the pool next summer???????????
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I wonder if this is a boundary issue at all. I mean, it seems quite typical in the beginning of a relationship, especially if there is a mutual attraction, to be somewhat um, enthusiastic about the sex. Or, am I just strange that way? I just don't really see what's wrong with texting a couple times a day about sex. Personally, I would appreciate a nice little distraction like that during my work day. 
Is there more to it than that? Does he expect you to respond immediately? Is mixing dating with work causing problems? Could it be something else is really what's bothering you?
L
Is there more to it than that? Does he expect you to respond immediately? Is mixing dating with work causing problems? Could it be something else is really what's bothering you?
L
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