I told him to move out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
I told him to move out
Well..last night finally happened. I told my son last week that he had until Friday to make something happen. Either he had to get back in school or he had to have a job. Last night we were discussing the fact that it was Wed. and he still hadn't done anything...and Friday was fast approching. I told him "S. even if you went out tomorrow and papered Mesquite with applications..it's too little..too late." So, he will be moving out this weekend. I had a huge debate with my husband last night because where S is concerned I have a tendency to back down and forgive and forget and B. said that he can see I am starting to get soft again. He's right. S. says that I "just don't know" about addiction as I have never had a drink and I wouldn't know what pot was if it was sitting on my coffee table...he's right about that...but I do know addiction. I am addicted to S. Every mother has that special child..the child of her heart..that would be S. I know what he does is wrong..and I hate it and the way he acts when he is high or drunk...but when he is straight..oh gosh..he is the most loving .. sweetest...funniest person you would ever want to be around. I just keep thinking to myself...I want my son back. Not the person he is now...but the child that he was before he went to live with his dad after the divorce. I know that person is still in there somewhere... When I am away from the situation of home...I can see very clearly what needs to be done...That S. needs to move on and make whatever out of his life that he chooses to make....but when I am there...looking at my son..those blue eyes just sear in to my heart and I see the four year old who needs his momma...not the 19 year old who needs/wants his Jack Daniels. Oh gosh...I know that I am rambling..and I am sorry....I guess I just needed to get this out...I am pretty sure there is a point here..somewhere.
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Yorkshire UK
Posts: 103
Been there, done that, Lisa. My daughter was 15, and I was 3 years sober when I threw her out. Hardest thing I have ever had to do, BUT NOW, ten years on, she is in a good job (nursing) and is going through a messy divorce from a violent drunk of a husband, and is back living with me at home, and she is no longer drinking and smoking the way she used to.
She hated me for throwing her out, we didn't spea for about 4 years, but now she is the first to say it was the BEST thing I ever did for her!!!
Also, my partner had to do the same for his son, aged 19, when he got involved in drugs. It is hard, it is painful, but his son is also on the way up. Now 22 years old, he got a good job, which he still has, and has a lovey girlfriend (plus her 5 year old son) in his life, and it was the making of him.
Tough Love is never easy, especially with our own flesh and blood, but it worked for us, and hopefully it will work for you and your son too.
I will have a word with HP about you (i.e. I will pray for you). Thanx for sharing this with us, it has shown me how GOOD can come from bad, if only we keep the faith.
She hated me for throwing her out, we didn't spea for about 4 years, but now she is the first to say it was the BEST thing I ever did for her!!!
Also, my partner had to do the same for his son, aged 19, when he got involved in drugs. It is hard, it is painful, but his son is also on the way up. Now 22 years old, he got a good job, which he still has, and has a lovey girlfriend (plus her 5 year old son) in his life, and it was the making of him.
Tough Love is never easy, especially with our own flesh and blood, but it worked for us, and hopefully it will work for you and your son too.
I will have a word with HP about you (i.e. I will pray for you). Thanx for sharing this with us, it has shown me how GOOD can come from bad, if only we keep the faith.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
Is that what it is? It doesn't feel very loving. I mean, you spend most of your life just waiting to get married and have your children..then you produce six of the prettiest babies God ever allowed on earth. One son (20)..never drank..no drugs. Next son (19)..drunk & doper. Next sons (would be 18..died at birth). Next Daughter (would be 17..died shortly after birth)..Lastly son (15) And please God...don't keep him looking up to the 19 year old like an idol...let him look to the 20 year old...but no...no, S. hung the sun and moon...S. can do no wrong...even when he is stealing 15 year old's quarters out of his storage book..even when he is calling in refills on dad's pain killers (just found out about that yesterday) Even when he is crawling in through 15year olds window so drunk he cant even fall down...How can I sit here at my desk at work...and know that there is misery and heartache waiting on me at home? How do I continue to catch my breath when it feels like it stopped somewhere midway out? My heart is breaking..I am throwing my son out and while I know it is the right thing to do...it certainly doesn't feel like love. It feels like I am throwing him out..period. When do the tears stop? When does this bone crushing ache end? How can I bear this?
spirit
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: perth,western australia
Posts: 1,460
oh lisa, i wasnt being flippant so i hope you didnt take it that way. i know what you are going through, it is ****.
what i was trying to say is that sometimes because you love them you have to throw them out. a girlfriend of mine told me today that one of her sons rang her today all excited because he had been transferred in prison to share the same cell as his other brother. how **** is that. she loves them but has had to be tough and make them deal with their failures, but it is ****.
so much to lose, so much to grieve, my heart goes out to you
kath
what i was trying to say is that sometimes because you love them you have to throw them out. a girlfriend of mine told me today that one of her sons rang her today all excited because he had been transferred in prison to share the same cell as his other brother. how **** is that. she loves them but has had to be tough and make them deal with their failures, but it is ****.
so much to lose, so much to grieve, my heart goes out to you
kath
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
Kath: No hun..I don't think you were being flippant. I know the term "Tough Love"...but when I checked out their website, one of the first things it said is that they "Don't encourage or condone" throwing the offender out of the home. Yet they then go in to great detail about what to do and how to do it. There has just been so much loss in our house. I live for the day..no, I crave the day when at bedtime..I can look back over the day and think...hummm...no drama ... no tantrums...no outbursts..and then drift blissfully off...not dive head first in to slumber so that I can outrun the instant replay that goes through my head in minute by minute detail the second my head hits the pillow. I am just reacting today on last nights events. I am sorry if I am coming across as a raving mad-woman...and today I probably am. Normally I am just a sweet little woman. Honestly I am. :-)
spirit
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: perth,western australia
Posts: 1,460
howdy again
you dont sound like a raving mum at all, you sound like a caring mum who is very tired and very tired of all this disruption. it is very very stressful and hard to turn your head off at times isnt it.
my friend whose boys were both in jail was actually quite rellieved in a way, cause she knew where they were and they were save, or safer than on the streets.'
i have no idea how i would cope if my boys got into it, i think i would just kill them, i have told them if they do, then they may as well be dead, which is probably not right to say either.
i hadnt realised there was a tough love site., intersting
hugs to you
kath
my friend whose boys were both in jail was actually quite rellieved in a way, cause she knew where they were and they were save, or safer than on the streets.'
i have no idea how i would cope if my boys got into it, i think i would just kill them, i have told them if they do, then they may as well be dead, which is probably not right to say either.
i hadnt realised there was a tough love site., intersting
hugs to you
kath
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Cordele, Ga
Posts: 6
Dear LovingMom, How well I know your story for it is so like mine. I have three sons, all abuse one thing or another or many. It has been drama and confusion around me for so long. I am battling telling my sweet baby boy (23) to move out. He is the apple of my eye. I was counting on him to make up for all the losses from the addictions of my older two. Not going to happen! I am heart broken and know that the day is coming that I will have to tell him to go. It is , as you said, the hardest thing I will ever have to do. But I can say this, through the program of AL-Anon, I have learned to lay down in peace and go to sleep even when my children are not where I want them to be. I will pray for you and please pray for me and mine. Love, Cathy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
Prayers going up all the time for everyone here and everyone who has ever had to deal with an addict. It doesn't matter if you are wife sister mother or daughter..son husband brother or father to someone who uses and abuses..you are in pain and perhaps out of control yourself. For all of us I pray for time...time to forgive..time to heal...time to forget and time to move on. Time to get stronger and time to love again. This is my prayer to all of you whether I have talked with you or not..we are all the same..we have the same hurts and the same healing that must be done.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lisa
My son is a recovering addict and over the years I let him return home several times, each time with my boundaries in place, and it just never worked once, not for him and not for me. The hardest thing I ever did was make him move out, but to allow him to stay would have destroyed us both.
What was given in love enabled him by allowing him to do his drugs and still have a warm home and food to come home to. I truly believe that I prolonged his journey with all my good intentions.
I don't think it is tough love to make them leave, I think it is just what we have to do to maintain our sanity. Our homes are our safe place, and they are not safe when an active addict is living there. I believe that my son would agree with me here and tell you the same.
I had to let him spend a winter living on the street, but the hostels are clean and provide good food and counselling and support for those who ask. After several months he finally decided that he had enough and he found his way to detox and through them arranged to go to a program.
Through all this and still today, we have a special and wonderful relationship. But now it is based on mutual respect and love and not on what one of us can do for the other.
Your son, like mine, is in God's hands and we just have to keep praying and trust that God has a good plan for both of them. And then we let go.
Sending hugs and prayers from a mom who has been there.
Ann
My son is a recovering addict and over the years I let him return home several times, each time with my boundaries in place, and it just never worked once, not for him and not for me. The hardest thing I ever did was make him move out, but to allow him to stay would have destroyed us both.
What was given in love enabled him by allowing him to do his drugs and still have a warm home and food to come home to. I truly believe that I prolonged his journey with all my good intentions.
I don't think it is tough love to make them leave, I think it is just what we have to do to maintain our sanity. Our homes are our safe place, and they are not safe when an active addict is living there. I believe that my son would agree with me here and tell you the same.
I had to let him spend a winter living on the street, but the hostels are clean and provide good food and counselling and support for those who ask. After several months he finally decided that he had enough and he found his way to detox and through them arranged to go to a program.
Through all this and still today, we have a special and wonderful relationship. But now it is based on mutual respect and love and not on what one of us can do for the other.
Your son, like mine, is in God's hands and we just have to keep praying and trust that God has a good plan for both of them. And then we let go.
Sending hugs and prayers from a mom who has been there.
Ann
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
((((((((((((((Lisa)))))))))))))))
Yes, Being a mother is sometimes painful and it is never easy...but then I was never told it would be....
I found the best anwser to letting go of my kids in Al-Anon's book As We Understood....P. 100, now I am learning to love in a healthier way.I know today that it is human nature to change only when the pain grows unbearable. To stop the pain would stop the progress,,,Through each struggle, my kids will become stronger and better prepared to handle the next hudle of life...
I do not think you a raging mom but I do think you're a mom who is hurting the same way I used to hurt for my kids...I know today that some pain is nessary for my growth BUT misery is optional....
I believe that is also true for my kids....after all they're my H.P.'s kids first....
Sending happy thoughts....
Yes, Being a mother is sometimes painful and it is never easy...but then I was never told it would be....
I found the best anwser to letting go of my kids in Al-Anon's book As We Understood....P. 100, now I am learning to love in a healthier way.I know today that it is human nature to change only when the pain grows unbearable. To stop the pain would stop the progress,,,Through each struggle, my kids will become stronger and better prepared to handle the next hudle of life...
I do not think you a raging mom but I do think you're a mom who is hurting the same way I used to hurt for my kids...I know today that some pain is nessary for my growth BUT misery is optional....
I believe that is also true for my kids....after all they're my H.P.'s kids first....
Sending happy thoughts....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 56
dear loving mom
I am glad you are taking steps to somehow alleviating your "situation" with your son. I dont have children just yet, having had an unwanted abortion, unwanted enough that I actually started to bond with the baby that was growing inside of me, I can appreciate what you are feeling. Rest assured you are doing what appears to be the right thing at the right time. I completely support you in your efforts and know that you are doing this not only for yourself but for the betterment of your son. Be strong! You are strong!
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