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breakingglass 11-17-2010 10:20 AM

what about my drinking?
As i have posted, my husband is an A.... but what about my drinking? i am not an alcoholic. i am a socail drinker. i've always loved having wine with dinner. i like going out with friends and having a couple of cocktails. he will throw that in my face but i know in my heart that i have nothing to feel guilty about. i never keep alcohol in the house, except for my marsala wine for cooking.... i only drink away from the house unless we have company. is it wrong for me to drink in front of him like that? or do i tell my company sorry, no drinks? should i have to give up what i like in order to appease him? i want to help him, not hurt him. what do you think about this?

Kindeyes 11-17-2010 10:47 AM

I have thought about this question myself in the past (but the A is my son, not my husband). I do not drink any alcohol and do not do drugs. I had many reasons to make the decision to cut all alcohol out of my life and my son's addictions played only a small part in that decision. Quite honestly, alcohol just wasn't that important to me and alcohol has brought so much pain to me in my life that I simply don't want to participate. I choose to lead a clean, drug free, alcohol free lifestyle for me. I look at it like....vegetarianism.....(I'm not a vegetarian anymore but it's an example).....I didn't choose to be a vegetarian to keep other people from eating meat or make them feel bad for eating was simply a personal choice for many, many years. (I still do not eat beef and seldom eat meat but I wouldn't consider myself vegetarian anymore.)

I don't think that the A in our life will stop drinking if we do. If that was the case, there would be very few alcoholics in this world because all of us who love an alcoholic would quit and it would solve the problem. It's just not that easy.

gentle hugs

dreamstones 11-17-2010 10:49 AM

Yeah, that is always an interesting situation drinking in front of an A in social situations as you've described. I've been through that with AS, as well as A brother in law and sister in law. As part of their recovery and working the steps, they obvisouly will come into these situations at times and will deal with it as they see best.

I take the stance that I don't have the problem, so I'm not going to hide the fact that I like a drink now and then. If your AH is throwing it in your face, it sounds like he still has some work to do with his recovery. My ABIL told me once, while I was having a beer after we golfed, that HE is the one with the problem and if I want to have a beer, then have one, I don't have the problem. He said it was simple as that and if it turned into some kind of drunken party, then he would leave, but me having a beer or two wasn't a big deal.

Good luck with the snapping.

Buffalo66 11-17-2010 11:01 AM

My A claims that in his treatment center, they asked him if his significant other would be drinking alcohol at all at home.
He claims that they do not encourage the significant other to drink.
I have no idea if this is true at all.
He could have completely fabricated that.
I never drink at home, and have not touched a drop since he stopped six weeks ago. It is not a sacrifice for me, but his expectation is odd, considering he feels his recovery choices are his, but he is imposing this on me.
He will not hardline it, just implies that it is frowned upon and it would be weird if I did drink, not in front of him, but at ALL.

His brother, on the other hand threw a Halloween Party at his house on day 8 out of treatment, while my A was staying there. All of As longtime friends and drinking buddies were there.
He seemed to feel that was his brothers right, but called me a begged to come over nonetheless...
I don't care right now, as abstaining from alcohol is no issue for me, and it is doing wonders for my complexion, LOL...
But, I do wonder how he might react if I had a glass of winne at a friends house, even while he was not there.

I know he would smell it a mile away.

keepinon 11-17-2010 11:02 AM

Alaon doesn't even take a stand on this..they say to make your own decision.i have an addict daughter who is in early sobriety and we will be having a dry Thanksgiving this year.It's really early in her recovery and I see no point in pursuing the drinking. But long term..yah, they are gonna have to deal with it. Most recovered people I know can be around alcohol and not tweak out, but I guess it's different for everyone. Yet another hard decision addiction brings us:gaah

breakingglass 11-17-2010 11:41 AM

all interesting answers. i guess i should look at like quitting smoking (which i am in the process of trying to achieve!). if i am around it, i crave it more. if i think about it, i crave it more. so i guess it doesn't really matter either way.... you have to want to make that choice not to drink. i wouldn't do it proposely, but i did intend on serving wine on thanksgiving. i hope i am not making a mistake

Cyranoak 11-17-2010 11:45 AM

Keepinon is right on...
...and I can also share that many recovering alcoholics I know have indicated to me it doesn't matter. My drinking does not affect whether or not they choose to drink, nor does being around alcohol. One gal told me that when it becomes an issue for her to be around drinkers she knows something about her recovery needs attention. In our society a beer or wine is right around the corner 24/7/365 anyway.

He's just being whiny and controlling because you get to drink and he doesn't, and he resents that so he's guilt-tripping you. This would fall into the life's not fair category.

That said, AW asked me if I would agree to not having alcohol in the house and, even though I love wine, beer, scotch, and whiskey, I agreed. Why? Because she asked me and I don't care enough to make it an issue. I also stay dry when we are together or will be together. I simply feel better about it that way, so that's how I roll.

However, when she isn't with me and I'm not at home I drink what I want to drink when I want to drink it. And when it becomes time to stop because I don't want anymore, I'll be driving, I have to go home, or I have to work the next day I stop.

What a gift this ability to stop. Yesterday I had a beer after work-- literally one beer (Jubelale-- one of my favorites). Today will be a dry day because it's a family day. Tomorrow I'm going to a wake for a buddy who, ironically, was an alcoholic and died 4 years ago from effects of the disease-- I'll have some whiskey's over the course of four hours, enjoy every damn one of them, and not drive home drunk. I am so happy I can do such a thing. I do not take it for granted.

Take what you want and leave the rest.


doggonecarl 11-17-2010 11:55 AM

If you AH was in recovery your not drinking might aid him in staying sober by removing a potential trigger, at least in the early days of recovery. But I gather that isn't the case. So he's just using this tactic as a way to continue what he is doing. Maybe the next time he mentions it you should say, "Alright then, let's both quit!" and see what he says.

NoAlcoholToday 11-17-2010 12:16 PM

It is important that you do not enable his drinking (for example dont buy his drink for him on your way home). Maybe some of the team here in F&F can give you other examples of enabling that you must avoid?

Quitting drinking is mindblowingly difficult, especially in the very early stages. You should see some of the whooping that goes on when someone has completed their day 1 on our forums!! So, when he wants to try and quit, then I highly recommend you do not have ANY alcohol in the house for at least the first month (to take temptation completely out of his immediate vicinity). After that he will need to come to terms with other people drinking around him. Otherwise I would say your drinking will have little or even no effect on him so go right ahead and do what pleases you.

BTW, I am almost certain he really cares about you deep down. Most likely it is himself that he is hiding away from. Try to think about it like he is wearing an invisible cap that is scrambling his brain and it is just too tight for him to take it off right now. Believe me, he is going to desperately want to take that cap off sooner or later!

breakingglass 11-18-2010 07:10 AM

well most of the time i do not have alcohol in the house. i don't drink hardly at all....usually when i'm out with the girls or have company; i.e. thanksgiving. last night i asked him if it would be okay that i have wine for my guests and he said he was fine with it and doesn't want anything.

BTW, this is day two for him not drinking. i can see how difficult it is for him. he's not sleeping and has been vomiting too. i hurt for him. he really does love me and he really does try. i know though in my heart that he won't stay sober. he has tried this several times and failed every time....he has not yet checked himself into a rehab or attended any meeting, etc, but i will not give up and i dont want him to either. i read on here where every time you stop drinking and then go back and try to stop again, count that as day number one! and that's all we can do at this point.

brokenheartfool 11-18-2010 07:22 AM

Since it's so very early in his withdrawal, I would not have alcohol served on Thanksgiving, that's my thought. It's like putting out a tray of cakes and cookies in front of someone trying to lose weight, or smoking in front of someone trying to quit smoking.

Just makes sense not to tempt during the early recovery. The smell alone, from the bottle, others glasses, or guests breath when speaking to him, will probably drive him to crave.

breakingglass 11-18-2010 07:28 AM

i do understand that...because i am trying to quit smoking and its hard around other smokers but its everywhere so i have to learn to resist it no matter what. he can easily go out in the garage and search for one of his hidden vodka bottles if he really wanted to...

NoAlcoholToday 11-18-2010 08:11 AM

Originally Posted by breakingglass (Post 2771488)
BTW, this is day two for him not drinking.

Congratulations to him for his day 2! Honestly, that is a fabulous effort!

Originally Posted by breakingglass (Post 2771488)
i can see how difficult it is for him. he's not sleeping and has been vomiting too. i hurt for him.

It is perfectly natural for him to have severe withdrawal symptoms. I myself have not been to see a Dr but over on our side of the fence they highly recommend you ask a doc to help you to ease this process. I am on my day 10 today and I am still gagging and wretching occasionally. The sleep thing will DEFINITELY improve for him with another day or two.

I cannot tell you how important it is to get the first day under his belt. In actual fact, I think the recovery process has to include a series of failures before we are truly ready. The most important thing is that he wants to try. One of our moderaters posted this today: "I had a million day ones before I finally did it".

Anyway, I reiterate, if at all possible, you should try to get ALL the alcohol out of the house (and try to get him to dispose of EVERY hidden bottle) and then keep it that way for a while. This is SUCH a tough road to travel and any temptation needs to be eliminated wherever possible. If he does need to drink, please try to get him off the vodka and onto red wine. It is soooo much less bad for him.

All the best of luck to you both.

keepinon 11-18-2010 08:25 AM

Just remember this..there was nothing you could do to make him stop and the reverse is true.If he wants recovery there is nothing you can do to make him start.We just aren't that powerful. That being said we can be considerate and kind and take their needs into account.Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be what it was going to be anyway.

breakingglass 11-18-2010 09:23 AM

and congrats to you too NoAlcoholToday!! 10 days. how i would love to see mine go that long. his friend is coming over the house today (while i'm at work) to help him take down our huge party tent in the back yard. i am so fearful of this person coming over becasue he seems to trigger my husband's desire to drink. happens every time. i am anxious to see if he will stick to his efforts of stopping or if he will crumble. i am not in any way blaming his friend. we are all in control of ourselves, but he is also unemployed, doesn't have a wife or girlfriend and lives with his mother. (and i am talking about a man over 50!!) but a very depressed person who i believe enjoys the company of misery. my husband is very familiar with the term. the two of them together is not a pretty sight.

brokenheartfool 11-18-2010 09:52 AM

Originally Posted by breakingglass (Post 2771510)
i do understand that...because i am trying to quit smoking and its hard around other smokers but its everywhere so i have to learn to resist it no matter what. he can easily go out in the garage and search for one of his hidden vodka bottles if he really wanted to...

I agree. However, if you were at a nice party, and everybody was smoking but you, and you were trying to quit...what would be your chances with it blowing in your face?
Do you think your guests would be upset if alcohol wasn't served? I wonder if this question is more about not disappointing them....

JackNWA 11-18-2010 10:04 AM

I'll speak from my viewpoint as a recovering A. It doesn't 'bother' me if my wife drinks occasionally. Nor if I am in place I need to be (for whatever reason) and people are drinking. It does bother me however to be in a place where someone is getting drunk. I just don't need to see it or be around it. So I try not to place myself in those situations.

breakingglass 11-18-2010 01:01 PM

well after reading these reponses i have decided that maybe i should forget the wine at dinner. i dont' think any of my guests will feel slighted. (except maybe my sister!)....she'll live

my AH is struggling right now trying so hard not to drink and he's hurting physically and emtionally. i would hate to think anything i did encouraged him to fall off the wagon..... i am proud of him, even if its only been 2 days. that's big for him....and its a start.

thanks all of you for your words of wisdom!

hello-kitty 11-18-2010 02:30 PM

There are lots of delicious non-alcholic beverages and punches you can serve for Thanksgiving! No one will even miss the alcohol.

hello-kitty 11-18-2010 02:32 PM

here's another one!

Cherry Fizz

Serves - 2


8 Ice Cubes - crushed

2 tablespoons cherry syrup

500 ml plain soda

2 - 3 tsps lime juice

red cocktail cherries for garnishing


Divide the crushed ice into two tall glasses
Pour cherry syrup onto ice
Add lime juice to this (do not mix)
Pour plain soda on top of syrup to fill glass
You might want to add some sugar syrup for those who like it sweeter.
Decorate with cherries on top, add cocktail stirrers to the drink and serve
(Tip - you can change the syrup flavour & garnish as per available fruit)

hello-kitty 11-18-2010 02:33 PM

And I love to drink perrier or fancy sparkling cider from a wine glass.

KittyP 11-18-2010 06:08 PM

Originally Posted by breakingglass (Post 2771799)
my AH is struggling right now trying so hard not to drink and he's hurting physically and emtionally.

Has he seen a doctor about the withdrawal? Unsupervised withdrawal can be very physically dangerous, it can lead to severe illness, seizures, permanent mental damage and occasionally be fatal. If he hasn't seen one, it's worth recommending, they can monitor him and if he needs medication they can help.

If he absolutely won't see a doctor then some vitamin supplements can make a HUGE difference. Some very recommended ones are:

VItamin B12 (for nerve damage)
Vitamin B3 (Niacinamide) 500mg 2x daily
Mega B 2X Daily....take it even if he takes thiamine
Vitamin C 1,000mg 3x daily
Magnesium complex 2 x daily
Flaxseed Oil Capsules 6 x daily
Zinc 1x daily
Lecithin Capsules or granules 3 x daily
L-Glutamine 3x daily
Tyrosine 500mg 2x daily
G.A.B.A 750mg 2x daily

It's also helpful for him to have a good diet, with lots of fresh fruit and veg, try to get some daily exercise when in withdrawal. He may find that he also craves sugar as alcohol is full of it, so he is withdrawing from that as well as the booze itself, but it's actually a good idea to avoid sugar for a while as it will only serve to prolong the length of the withdrawal.

I think you are doing the right thing by not drinking around him, my husband's psychologist was completely adamant that I should not drink at all when he was in early recovery.

NoAlcoholToday 11-19-2010 12:21 AM

And don't forget, if he does fall off the wagon, he mustn't beat himself up about it. He has made a WONDERFUL achievement by doing 2 days. There are guys relapsing on our forums and they feel so guilty. Well, he mustn't. This is REALLY tough.

How I wish he could be on our forum here at SR. If it weren't for this forum, I wouldn't have had a hope in hell. We have a small team that are just constantly supporting one another. I like to think of it like a cycling velodrome. If anyone relapses, it is more like one of the pack leaders has drifted out to the side of the track and then just tucked in behind everyone again (back on day 1) but the pack just keep on winning, altogether as a single team.

You are right to feel very proud of him.
Day 2. WooooHooooo.

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