so, what's with married guys (a relationship question)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I've never been hit on directly by a married man, although in my 20s when I was more attractive I picked up interested vibes from time to time from married fellows and they creeped me out.
I have to say, though, my experience is that NO has to be said loudly and clearly, no matter how uncomfortable it is to say it. Some interested males (because as a straight female that's the gender I have experience of) will take any sign of friendship or goodwill, no matter how minor, as interest. So it may be that you aren't doing anything at all to attract these guys.
Argh. I recently had to shove it in a dearly valued male friend's face that FRIEND does not translate to WANT TO DATE YOU on my part. If it ends the friendship... oh well. He was pushing the romantic angle way too hard, and then had a self pity fit when I responded negatively. Note, gentlemen (heck, ladies too, but I can only speak as a straight female): "oh-poor-me-I-suffer-so" is not attractive.
I have to say, though, my experience is that NO has to be said loudly and clearly, no matter how uncomfortable it is to say it. Some interested males (because as a straight female that's the gender I have experience of) will take any sign of friendship or goodwill, no matter how minor, as interest. So it may be that you aren't doing anything at all to attract these guys.
Argh. I recently had to shove it in a dearly valued male friend's face that FRIEND does not translate to WANT TO DATE YOU on my part. If it ends the friendship... oh well. He was pushing the romantic angle way too hard, and then had a self pity fit when I responded negatively. Note, gentlemen (heck, ladies too, but I can only speak as a straight female): "oh-poor-me-I-suffer-so" is not attractive.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
why do men get married in the 1st place? they do this to hurt the wife, and cause choas in the family because of his extra material affair...its so sad...I am a single mom, with everything in the world...good home, wonderful support friends and family...nice car, and 2 beautiful kids...is it all about sex? nope...that is what i disagree about...but*shakes head* its sad....these men need to get some balls and go to the WIFE and tell them they are NOT HAPPY at home....
sorry a little vent, but i been on both sides on this...part of my inventory...
sorry a little vent, but i been on both sides on this...part of my inventory...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by Jazzman 
If a married man hits on another woman that speaks volumes about his character. Regardless of the circumstances it's a big red flag. If they'll do it with you they'll do it to you.
EXACTLY!
I have grown to become very offended by a married man hitting on me. It used to never bother me, but for some reason it really bothers me now. I find it incredibly insulting. I never express that when I'm hit on, I just blow them off or make it clear that I'm not interested. Maybe one of these days I'll build up the courage to actually say what I'm thinking. Maybe it would make some of these guys think twice about being a blatant cheat.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by anvilhead
[I]if we go back to the saying that WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US, what have you taught them?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
In my view there are three kinds of guys and their marriage status is irrelevant.
The first is the guy who will cheat no matter what (35 percent of men in my non-scientific observations). He's always looking to score the next woman and he'll never change. That he is this way is always obvious to any thinking person who is actually paying attention. Women marrry him anyway because they think he will change for them, they love drama, he's rich, or they don't care.
The second is the guy who will never cheat (15 percent of men). He's not wired for it, he is loyal to a fault, and even when his wife is horrible he won't cheat. I'm this guy. I hate this guy. A lot of guys in Al-Anon are this guy. I want to be guy number three.
The third is the guy who won't cheat unless he isn't being fed by his woman
(50 percent of men). There are three main areas most men need fed, though not all men need all three. They are: food, sex, and ego.
Now, here's the kicker-- this isn't fair to women and there is no way to tell guy two from guy three.
Bottom line-- married dudes hitting on you are telling you everything you need to know about them regardless of where they fall on my list. There are good guys out there-- I know some of them. They don't typically cheat on their wives and hit on other women, especially not women with whom they work.
Good luck out there.
Cyranoak
The first is the guy who will cheat no matter what (35 percent of men in my non-scientific observations). He's always looking to score the next woman and he'll never change. That he is this way is always obvious to any thinking person who is actually paying attention. Women marrry him anyway because they think he will change for them, they love drama, he's rich, or they don't care.
The second is the guy who will never cheat (15 percent of men). He's not wired for it, he is loyal to a fault, and even when his wife is horrible he won't cheat. I'm this guy. I hate this guy. A lot of guys in Al-Anon are this guy. I want to be guy number three.
The third is the guy who won't cheat unless he isn't being fed by his woman
(50 percent of men). There are three main areas most men need fed, though not all men need all three. They are: food, sex, and ego.
Now, here's the kicker-- this isn't fair to women and there is no way to tell guy two from guy three.
Bottom line-- married dudes hitting on you are telling you everything you need to know about them regardless of where they fall on my list. There are good guys out there-- I know some of them. They don't typically cheat on their wives and hit on other women, especially not women with whom they work.
Good luck out there.
Cyranoak
My ex was #1.........can't stop going after women. He hid it well until the very end though.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by Summerpeach
I'll take Door #2...........where are these guys and where can I find one?
My ex was #1.........can't stop going after women. He hid it well until the very end though.
My ex was #1.........can't stop going after women. He hid it well until the very end though.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by freefalling
me too me too! I want guy # 2.
There are men who cheat and women who cheat. And I personally don't buy into the "being fed" thing. If your relationship isn't meeting your needs, then end it. Don't cop some pathetic excuse for cheating because you are not getting what you need at home. Cheating happens to be a dealbreaker for me, but loyal and faithful does not a relationship make. There's a whole lot more to it than that.
L
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 53
I was married to guy #2 for about 12 years. He was my best friend, my everything. In the last 4 years he graduated to guy #3 and had his affair on both sides of my third pregancy. In order to allow him his dream of having his own business,I took a job that demanded long hours for better pay. I think I became too focused on financially supporting the family and bills. As soon as his business was up and running and I wanted to step out of the Corporate world he admitted to OW being in his life. She was married to an Alcoholic and turned to my H for support. I believe she and my xh are drinking a lot now too.
So, when asking "what is up with married guys" - I have to answer - another person willing to help them live a fanstasy.
So, when asking "what is up with married guys" - I have to answer - another person willing to help them live a fanstasy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 138
Its all about being needy, insecure and having such low self worth. These men make you feel special by making you feel that you are sooooo much more attractive, funny, sweet than their wives and you buy into it. Women especially are suckers for this manipulation. Its easy to fall into if your self esteem is low or non-existent. When you believe that you deserve and can have better than some one who lies, cheats, and manipulates with words of adoration, then you will no longer "attract" these types of men!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Try giving your self the chance to find a good man...they are hard to find, but supposedly they are out there when we are ready to see them!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 281
I can't stand it when married/partnered guys sleaze onto to women other than their wives/partners. Vice versa for women. I just don't like it. Even though I've been a full-blown codie in my intimate relationships, I've always had great boundaries with married/partnered men. There's nothing that turns me off more than a married man propositioning or flirting with me. Every friend I've ever had has said they'd trust me on a desert island with their hubbys because they know there's no way I'd let any of them near me (and it's not because I'm hideously grotesque, although I'm sure I have my moments, lol)...and the men who know me, know it too. I'm almost vigilante when it comes to this type of behaviour and my thinking in this area is very black and white. I ignore obviously taken men I don't know who try flirting. If they keep it up, I've been known to tell them to go f**k themselves. Or if I'm in a more pleasant mood, I've reminded them they have a wife/kids at home. Most men now leave me alone. I think they must pick up the vibe from me. I can't stand being around drunken, leering men either... Gag. My pet hate is when a married man carries on or stares like an idiot in front of his wife. It's at this time that I completely ignore him and if a conversation starts up, I pay all my attention to the wife and don't give him a second of my time or if I'm feeling generous, I might tell him how lovely his wife is etc etc...
One of my best friends has an functional, successful A husband who thinks he's 'all that and more'. He thinks everyone has the hots for him and he's a cheater too...One night (when I wasn't there), he stuck his tongue down another one of my friend's mouths...eeww. When I saw him next, I was left alone with him for five minutes. Something came up about 'that night' and I told him how disgusting his behaviour was and that it was sexual harrassment. He said "She loved it and you'd love it too". With that response, I told him if he came near me, I'd stab him (I wouldn't really, but this is how much his behaviour triggers me) and that he revolts me and he truly does. No love lost there.
I don't know why cheating/sleazing triggers me so much. It could have something to do with my mother cheating on my dad or my exAH cheating, but I've been like this since I was a teenager. The strange thing is, my exADFH also despises cheating, as much as me. That was one thing I could trust about him, that he'd never cheat. I'm of the mindset that, if the marriage has turned to crap, get out of it before you move on into the next relationship. I also think if a married person hits on you and you end up with them, they'll do it to you....it's in their character.
One of my best friends has an functional, successful A husband who thinks he's 'all that and more'. He thinks everyone has the hots for him and he's a cheater too...One night (when I wasn't there), he stuck his tongue down another one of my friend's mouths...eeww. When I saw him next, I was left alone with him for five minutes. Something came up about 'that night' and I told him how disgusting his behaviour was and that it was sexual harrassment. He said "She loved it and you'd love it too". With that response, I told him if he came near me, I'd stab him (I wouldn't really, but this is how much his behaviour triggers me) and that he revolts me and he truly does. No love lost there.
I don't know why cheating/sleazing triggers me so much. It could have something to do with my mother cheating on my dad or my exAH cheating, but I've been like this since I was a teenager. The strange thing is, my exADFH also despises cheating, as much as me. That was one thing I could trust about him, that he'd never cheat. I'm of the mindset that, if the marriage has turned to crap, get out of it before you move on into the next relationship. I also think if a married person hits on you and you end up with them, they'll do it to you....it's in their character.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by Floss
One of my best friends has an functional, successful A husband who thinks he's 'all that and more'. He thinks everyone has the hots for him and he's a cheater too...One night (when I wasn't there), he stuck his tongue down another one of my friend's mouths...eeww. When I saw him next, I was left alone with him for five minutes. Something came up about 'that night' and I told him how disgusting his behaviour was and that it was sexual harrassment. He said "She loved it and you'd love it too". With that response, I told him if he came near me, I'd stab him (I wouldn't really, but this is how much his behaviour triggers me) and that he revolts me and he truly does. No love lost there.
I don't know why cheating/sleazing triggers me so much. It could have something to do with my mother cheating on my dad or my exAH cheating, but I've been like this since I was a teenager. The strange thing is, my exADFH also despises cheating, as much as me. That was one thing I could trust about him, that he'd never cheat. I'm of the mindset that, if the marriage has turned to crap, get out of it before you move on into the next relationship. I also think if a married person hits on you and you end up with them, they'll do it to you....it's in their character.
I don't know why cheating/sleazing triggers me so much. It could have something to do with my mother cheating on my dad or my exAH cheating, but I've been like this since I was a teenager. The strange thing is, my exADFH also despises cheating, as much as me. That was one thing I could trust about him, that he'd never cheat. I'm of the mindset that, if the marriage has turned to crap, get out of it before you move on into the next relationship. I also think if a married person hits on you and you end up with them, they'll do it to you....it's in their character.
Got a great laugh out of you response about stabbing him, too funny. He probably just thought you were playing hard to get!
Man, cheating triggers the crap outta me too, 'course so does the man bashing part, like we got the market cornered on that.
When my axw and I first got together we'd both recently gotten out of relationships with cheaters, and lamented to each other at length about the heart break of it. And I also thought cheating would be the absolute last thing I could ever expect out of her.
Come to find out she'd had an ongoing affair, starting a few years into our marriage with the guy before me who cheated on her! Oh well, water under the bridge now. Glad I didn't know about that till long after it didn't matter any more!
I also agree with your last two points, if it's turned to crap, get the hell out and at least maintain your own dignity.
And I'm also a firm believer if they cheated WITH you, they'll cheat ON you.
Stab him, too funny!
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
The third is the guy who won't cheat unless he isn't being fed by his woman
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Ah Coyote, I love you more and more (but am not hitting on you)
I've said for years that men really only need three things to keep them around- food, sex and an optional third item. You know, like sports, or music or whatever.
I've never heard of the breakdown like that, but know each percentage well.
One of my business partners is the guy who will never cheat. I've been in the car with him for hours late at night coming back from meetings and he gets on the phone with his wife and tells her he loves her. Never looks at my (ample) bust, even in a low cut shirt. He's amazing.
There are three main areas most men need fed, though not all men need all three. They are: food, sex, and ego.
I've never heard of the breakdown like that, but know each percentage well.
One of my business partners is the guy who will never cheat. I've been in the car with him for hours late at night coming back from meetings and he gets on the phone with his wife and tells her he loves her. Never looks at my (ample) bust, even in a low cut shirt. He's amazing.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I also have a severe reaction to cheaters-at least I did when I found out my AH had cheated and brought the nasty piece of work into my house. I seriously thought about running him over with the car. Not funny!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
The third is the guy who won't cheat unless he isn't being fed by his woman
I also see this as an excuse..... "its the woman's fault he cheats"... to me this is machism/misogyny
Cyranoak you said you hate to be #2 and want to be #3... hope you are kidding...
It would be sad for me to look for meaningless sex and believe I am happy..... sounds kind of primitive, and dangerous given rampant STD/HIV. Also to look for a partner to get compliments is quite the opposite of what I personally look for; in fact it contradicts spiritual achievement and I would like a partner to be in this same wavelength. When we know who we really are, feeding the ego is unnecessary.
Anyway.... I agree if you are firm, those married men will go seek weaker pray... time to look at the signals you are sending...
The third is the guy who won't cheat unless he isn't being fed by his woman
I also see this as an excuse..... "its the woman's fault he cheats"... to me this is machism/misogyny
Cyranoak you said you hate to be #2 and want to be #3... hope you are kidding...
It would be sad for me to look for meaningless sex and believe I am happy..... sounds kind of primitive, and dangerous given rampant STD/HIV. Also to look for a partner to get compliments is quite the opposite of what I personally look for; in fact it contradicts spiritual achievement and I would like a partner to be in this same wavelength. When we know who we really are, feeding the ego is unnecessary.
Anyway.... I agree if you are firm, those married men will go seek weaker pray... time to look at the signals you are sending...
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by Jazzman
Lack of intimacy at home is a lame excuse used by type #1 IMO. I've been in all types of relationships and the best I ever experienced was when both parties believed intimacy was a side effect of a healthy relationship, not the source of...
I don't believe I've ever run across one of those.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hmmm....well I have to agree that if you just give off an "I'm not available" vibe, you will probably bothered less by skeevy trolling men.
And Cyran.....I'm currently very, very happily married to "a No. 2" by your definition
. I am grateful every day for the relationship I have with my husband and do what I can to let him know. Completely agree with you, Jazzman.
Best,
HG
And Cyran.....I'm currently very, very happily married to "a No. 2" by your definition
. I am grateful every day for the relationship I have with my husband and do what I can to let him know. Completely agree with you, Jazzman.Best,
HG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I see what you are saying...
....and agree it is often used as an excuse for cheating, one that I believe to be BS. Let me be clear that I believe there is no excuse to be cheating, even when your wife is starving you for affection/attention. However, if you take the genders out altogether I think there is still a point to be made in item 2-- people have needs in relationships, and when those needs aren't met they are more prone to cheating, male or female. They will find somebody to meet those needs somewhere and if they aren't getting it at home they'll get it somewhere else.
While my post was satirical, I will say that guy 2 is very prone to being in relationships with alcoholic/addicts, and that's what I don't like about being one. Guy 3 has needs as any woman/person does as well, and when in a relationship with a woman who is even nominally healthy will get those needs fulfilled. I want to be able to have a relationship with an at least nominally healthy woman, and that's what I meant about wanting to be guy 3.
That said, I find that wife in recovery is a pretty good life partner. Drunken wife was a nightmare. If drunken wife ever returns, I don't know if I've got another cycle in me.
Cyranoak
While my post was satirical, I will say that guy 2 is very prone to being in relationships with alcoholic/addicts, and that's what I don't like about being one. Guy 3 has needs as any woman/person does as well, and when in a relationship with a woman who is even nominally healthy will get those needs fulfilled. I want to be able to have a relationship with an at least nominally healthy woman, and that's what I meant about wanting to be guy 3.
That said, I find that wife in recovery is a pretty good life partner. Drunken wife was a nightmare. If drunken wife ever returns, I don't know if I've got another cycle in me.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
The third is the guy who won't cheat unless he isn't being fed by his woman
I also see this as an excuse..... "its the woman's fault he cheats"... to me this is machism/misogyny
Cyranoak you said you hate to be #2 and want to be #3... hope you are kidding...
It would be sad for me to look for meaningless sex and believe I am happy..... sounds kind of primitive, and dangerous given rampant STD/HIV. Also to look for a partner to get compliments is quite the opposite of what I personally look for; in fact it contradicts spiritual achievement and I would like a partner to be in this same wavelength. When we know who we really are, feeding the ego is unnecessary.
Anyway.... I agree if you are firm, those married men will go seek weaker pray... time to look at the signals you are sending...
The third is the guy who won't cheat unless he isn't being fed by his woman
I also see this as an excuse..... "its the woman's fault he cheats"... to me this is machism/misogyny
Cyranoak you said you hate to be #2 and want to be #3... hope you are kidding...
It would be sad for me to look for meaningless sex and believe I am happy..... sounds kind of primitive, and dangerous given rampant STD/HIV. Also to look for a partner to get compliments is quite the opposite of what I personally look for; in fact it contradicts spiritual achievement and I would like a partner to be in this same wavelength. When we know who we really are, feeding the ego is unnecessary.
Anyway.... I agree if you are firm, those married men will go seek weaker pray... time to look at the signals you are sending...
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