Is it possible to feel a 'spark' with a 'nice' man?
 

Hello to all my SR friends. I was amazed to come home and find hmbld's thread on relationships after the aftermath because I was going to ask a similar type of question. I've always been attracted to the 'bad boys'. I'm sure you know the type I mean. Anyway, I met a 'nice' man about 6 months after the break-up from my exADFH (we've been separated 15 months now). I told him I wasn't ready for any type of serious relationship but I tried to give it a go and I ended things completely a few months later after looking and finding some red flags. He had lied and I caught him out a few times. After that he seemed super honest trying to make up for it I think. He is also a full-blown codie (even more than me! Funny seeing a reflection of yourself in someone else). He has kept some contact with me, texting sometimes and rare phone calls. He lives a fair way away from me and the distance is good. Today, I met him for coffee. I was so reluctant to meet him. In fact I felt sick in my guts (a sign perhaps?). I was, however, comfortable around him and he gave me a bunch of flowers, paid for coffees and lunch and gave me a hug saying he'd like to see me again. The problem is I don't feel a physical connection to him, if you know what I mean? He's pleasant looking, but totally not the wildly, rugged type of man I'm attracted to. When I'm around him, it feels like a comfy old slipper type of feeling. I also know I'm soooo not ready for any type of relationship but, on the way home, some questions formed in my mind, like....has anyone here EVER felt a 'spark' with a 'nice' man? Is it possible to have a 'spark' with a nice man, or will it always feel like a nice, comfy, somewhat boring type of feeling? Lol....I honestly feel if I got involved with this man that I'd be looking around for someone else I'd feel more attraction towards. Do I not feel attraction for him because I'm sensing neediness in him? Or do I just have so much more work to do on myself because I'm seriously not right in the head? One on my friends said she gets the feeling he's 'grooming' me. Being Mr Niceguy, Mr Patient, Mr Smooth, Mr Say all the right things. Other friends say "He's so nice, but maybe not your type"... Anyway, your perspective on this would be much appreciated! Thanks. :)

I just looked up 'grooming' on the internet and saw that it usually means sick behaviour directed towards minors, not adults. I tried to edit the word out of my post but I wasn't able to for some reason even though I've edited before. I apologise in advance for the use of that word....I think what my friend was meaning is she thinks he's trying to reel me in and get me to trust him and then his true motives will be revealed....

Ok, first of all, yes, IMO it is possible to feel a spark towards a "nice" guy. I'm with one right now. He's very different from all my previous partners in that he's not a bad boy. He's a family oriented, driven, financially responsible, sensitive, communicative and easy-going guy. Not one bit like the thunderstorms I'm used to dating...And yet, there was a definite spark between us...there had been for over a decade but I was too busy trying to find my "bad boy" to give him a chance.

As for your situation, I wouldn't say that your man is "Mr. Nice Guy". He seems like he's Mr. Deceptive, in that he lied to you, and now he's trying to make up for things. That does not speak of having strong moral fiber (to me anyway).

Listen to your gut. You've already posted that you don't feel ready for anything. Go with that. I did go through a period of wanting nothing from no one. I threw myself into my hobby (tango) and went out on 1 date with a random guy, and it went absolutely nowhere. I was thrilled. A date without strings. Wonderful. I had lots of coffee dates with girlfriends, a couple of manicures, shopping trips with mom, cool and new activities with my baby girl, read a bunch of novels and slept a lot. Plan stuff like that out for yourself and enjoy!

Mr. Pretending To Be A Nice Guy can go find himself someone else to fool.

Hmm...ask yourself, since I'm not sure of course...but are your boundaries firmly established?
Bad boys won't get anywhere with you if they are firm and secure. There won't be any worries about what's to come later, because you'll see any red flags at the beginning, when you should.
That you ask the question makes me wonder, because you wouldn't need to ask it if they were?
How would you put into words this "not ready" yet? What does that mean when you break it down and put it in concrete words? A question I have been answering in my own mind. If I can't say exactly what it means, then I'm clueless, vulnerable, and a potential train wreck all over again.
There are attractive men everywhere...good boys, bad boys, and everything inbetween.

I don't know. I'm not dating or even looking to date right now. In hindsight I think I didn't so much follow 'sparks' as follow the men I felt comfortable with - which was people more messed up then I was. I was incredibly uncomfortable with the few 'healthy' men that showed any interested - which said something about me, not them. I also didn't choose people - I simply let them choose me and didn't make any discrimination about what was good for me, or what I wanted/needed. People here talk about lists. My list looked sort of like this "Does he pick me?" End of list.

However - you seem to have a gut feeling. I had a gut feeling with my xah and I totally ignored it. I call that feeling an inner voice and I could no longer even find mine. My vow is to always search for and respect that voice in the future.

I know what you mean here...and it's funny, I was going to post something right after I finish this post along the same thing-dating after being in a horribly dysfunctional marriage.

Here is my .2 cents...good boy or bad boy...if there is no spark and you are forcingyourself to like this guy...then it probably will only be a good friend, if that. I have tried to play logic with myself before ("he's such a nice guy", " he has everything right about him"), but if there isn't a connection-you just can't force it or fake it. In the long run, you may resent him and your decision because he will never turn out to be what you want him to be.

Here's the thing--just because someone WANTS your time and company doesn't mean they GET TO HAVE IT. If you aren't feeling it, for whatever reason, then it's okay to say "no thanks!"

The spark is where the trouble starts...
 

...and for me equates to the "first drink" for an alcoholic. It's the first drink that makes you drunk, not the last one. When I feel that spark it's time for me to take a look at myself and my motivations relative to a particular person. For me, the spark is part of my disease of codependency and my addiction to drama.

I used to look for the spark like a heroin addict looks for heroin. Now I don't look for it at all.

As for the dude you are describing, his behavior is exactly what I used to do when trying to get a woman to like me. I thought of it as romance, but what I was actually doing was grooming those women to like me. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, but that was always what I was doing. Never uninvited, mind you, I understood and understand what "no" means, but if they left the door open even a crack I interpreted that as interest in me, subconsciously and romantically-- even when they unloaded that bullsh*t "you're like a brother or really good friend" line on me (another post altogether, and probably not appropriate for this forum). Here's an idea-- tell me you aren't interested in me romantically so I can stop deluding myself that you just don't know how much you like me yet, and so I can stop trying to "help" you understand that. :headbange

I've spent, and continue to spend, a good amount of my life clueless about womankind (the single most powerful force on the earth, and that which cannot be understood). I now depend completely on my wife being honest with me and, if she is not, she is complicit in the outcome.

Take what you want and leave the rest...

Cyranoak

Agreed. Yep.

double yep. you just don't know me yet. oh my goodness.

Is it possible to feel a spark with a nice man? Good question!

I didn't feel a "spark" with my DH on our first (blind) date. He was very nice, took me to a lovely restaurant, had a great job, drove a nice car, seemed honest, was talkative and intelligent. Does it get any better than that? But no "spark".

We had one date.....and then I moved 3,000 miles away and we didn't talk for a couple of months. Through a series of strange events we got in contact again and talked on the phone for a few months (almost daily) and became friends. He sent me a plane ticket (another nice gesture) and I came out to visit him. I knew I liked him (a lot) but because we had become friends, I was concerned that kissing him was going to be like kissing my brother (eeew). Needless to say, it wasn't......and THAT's when I felt the spark. Whoa.....did I feel the spark!

After my week long visit, he took me to the airport to send me back to my home 3,000 miles away and as we were parting he said "When are you going to come back here and marry me." My reply "Give me 30 days." 30 days later he flew out, packed all my stuff up in a box truck and drove me back to the West Coast. Three months later.....we got married.

That was 25 years ago. I love him more today than I did the day I married him. He is a good, solid, honest man with great integrity. He works harder than anyone I have ever met and he loves me.....of that I have no doubt.

So......sometimes......when you don't feel that "spark" on the first date or initially with a nice guy......give him a chance. In the long run, they are a much better emotional investment than the "bad boys".

gentle hugs

You can feel a spark with a nice man of course! And guess what, there are bad boys out there without drinking/drugging issues! Imagine that :) The best kind for me or the combo bad boy underneath good boy exterior.

It is either there or it ain't there and their lifestyle, choice in music or clothing has nothing to do with it for me. It is about having things in common to talk about, and chemistry. I won't bother if there is no chemistry or if I have to 'work on' making chemistry. Life is too short and I'm not getting any younger! I married the nice guy and as much as I loved him, something throughout was missing. I knew this but thought it would appear. Never did.

But we all have different needs in partners and relationships. I am very independent and I bore easily. ha.

Go with your gut. He's not the one for you. I almost talked myself into dating a dear friend of mine because he was just a super nice guy. On paper we'd have made a great couple. Both single parents, our kids are the same age and get along great. I just didn't have any romantic type feelings towards him. I'm glad that I didn't try and force myself into a relationship with him because if I had, it would have never worked and we would not have the friendship we have now. I call him my surrogate husband. He does a lot of stuff that husbands are supposed to do, we just don't have a romantic relationship. He baked me a cake and smoked me a turkey on my birthday. He also bought me metamucil, corn pads, and wrinkle cream. lol I drag him shoe shopping with me and he always grumbles like a husband. He says "I can't believe I am shoe shopping with a woman I'm not having sex with, you know that is wrong right? It goes against the man code."

So maybe keep the guy as a friend? But it sounds like he won't really be happy with just that.

I love this story!

Thanks for your replies! NoDay, well, it seems there's hope for us all! And I'm happy to hear you've found a great guy. I'm definately listening to my gut. He's lied and I don't like liars. He's also a cheater (cheated on his wife several times...this came out when he was trying to be super honest after deception!) Mr Deceptive, yes, he is. And I am doing exactly what you did. I'm having time with my girlfriends (when I'm not looking after my five kids, lol), and speaking of that, I don't have the time or energy for crap. I'd rather spend my free time on here, going for a walk, having lunch with the girls than spending time with a man I'm unable to trust.

Brokenheart, my boundaries were so not established when I attracted the 'bad boys'. I was like a magnet to them, ignoring all red flags! Looking back, was I daft? Anyway, I don't magically trust anyone now. Yay! Okay, the I'm not ready yet. Firstly that means, I'd rather be on my own than in a relationship with an A**hole. Secondly, I'm taking the time to get to know me, I'm in Discovery (sorta like recovery but because I never knew who I was, I'm only starting to discover). Thirdly, I'm enjoying not having to cook the big man meals every night, lol. Fourthly, I don't have the time, energy or inclination for another relationship. Fifthly, I don't want to go back (attracting another bad boy into my radar) and i don't know how to move forward (switching my antenna to be able to recognise a nice man), so, I'm sorta happy where I am right now. Just accepting where I am I suppose instead of frantically trying to 'change' something...

Thanks Thumper, I totally get the "did he pick me" thing. I was only talking to my daughter about that last night about how we don't have to be with anyone just because they like us. We do have a choice. MermaidGirl, I agree, no spark and it's not right if I have to force myself to be with him! Paintbaby, that's true and spending time with someone just because they want to can escalate to a full blown relationship if we don't know how to say no or we're just going along with it because we don't want to hurt their feelings...

Cyranoak, wow, the spark/first drink...I see the correlation! That's scary hey? Thanks for being so honest about your past experiences with women...the grooming thing. I've definately left the door open a crack and I've said all that to him, you're not my type, I don't have those feelings for you, I don't want a relationship, you'll find someone else who feels the same way you do for them, I'm still in love with my ex, and yes, I've even said to him eew, it would be like being with my brother. I've also told him I can't be with someone who lies, could you be only pursuing me because I'm not available, blah blah blah. What I really need to say is "please don't contact me again". I haven't done that yet because I was hoping he'd have replaced me by now (the easy way out!) and I haven't wanted to hurt his feelings (codie alert). I believe he really is deluded...it's a bit scary. Oh, there's also one other reason I haven't bolted the door, and this might sound strange considering he's only ever been a gentleman with me (minus the lying and grooming) and his kids seem to like/love him. He has 6 different types of firearms (he has a license for some, others are illegal) and having personal firearms in this country is not as common as in the US and he has a lot of different kinds of knives (he collects them and he used to do taxidermy as a hobby too!). When he commented on the abuse I've been exposed to by my ex, I said to him (because in his honesty blab, he told me he'd trapped a cat and deliberately drowned it in cold blood) "You're the type of guy you hear about in the news..."he was such a nice man, smiling all the time, so helpful, such a good dad. I can't believe he was a serial killer". His reply was, laughing, "you're probably right!" So, maybe I'm being paranoid, but I'd rather he find someone else to replace the delusional relationship he has with me so I don't have to bolt the door!

Kindeyes, yes, another good relationship, that's good to hear and congratulations on 25 years! I will definately give a nice man a go in the future as maybe I'll find that spark with one. Not so sure about this one though, lol....

Anvil, I've always felt comfortable around the man I was talking about. Actually, I wasn't when he brought up sex. I felt like running! So, I think that's a sign....However, I've felt comfortable to be honest with him and that's good and I haven't felt attacked when I've expressed my feelings. That's good too.....

Thanks again everyone....:)

Hi Floss.
Something feels 'forced' about him. I agree all the other options, kids, anything you may want to do alone, your girlfriends and family, etc are way better options than spending time with someone toxic. You said

I don't have the time or energy for crap
I agree. That is why I got a backwards clock (a mock "death clock")
According to it I am leaving the planet in 2020 :lmao sometimes we think we are going to be around a lot of time but we don't know. Perhaps as I was involved in a car accident recently, I recall screaming when the truck was hitting me and I was SURE I was going to lose mobility on my left limbs, or perhaps mobility altogether, or something worse was going to happen. That kind of got me in that same attitude of yours, to make every day count, to really give my best, and to hang out with people that improve on my solitude only. My life has been way better this way.

noday thanks for the hope. I have the same question. Now I am learning males can be FRIENDS, too. Perhaps after YEARS of friendship someone special comes up. No longer hanging to that. After so much pain I am no longer setting myself up for bad 'surprises'... also I am learning to be humble and really listen to the ones that love me... they see things sometimes one is "too close" to see.

BabyBlue....thanks. I can relate to what you're saying. I thought if I waited, I'd find the chemistry. I'm glad I stopped waiting. I'm also very independent. I suppose I've had to be..no-one but me and my HP to rely upon. Thanks Hmbld, I'll go with my gut. The 'nice man' said he could offer just a friendship, but it's apparent he wants more that I do. Your guy friend sounds awesome! I love that he goes shopping with you and grumbles. You sound good for each other in a Clayton's husband and wife kind of way....(Claytons is a non alcoholic drink and there used to be an ad over here and it said "Clayton's the drink you're having when you're not having a drink". Now everyone over here calls things Clayton. The Clayton's hubby, the Clayton's boyfriend, the Clayton's wife, the Clayton's best friend, the Clayton's sister etc etc...lol.... :)

Uh Floss, please find a way to never speak to him again.
This is scary.
Geez, if he is a middle aged, non descript white man, he fits the FBI profile for serial killers! (Yeah, I have morbid interests)

The weapons, alone, maybe no problem, some illegal, yeah a little more icky, drowning a cat for something to do, makes me wonder what he hasn't admitted to you.
And, he is trying to impress you. wow.

Oh my, I hadn't read that.
I hope you can start disengaging Floss

Sparks with a nice man -- yes, they are possible.

This man is not a nice man.