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the blame game...

Old 11-16-2010, 04:03 PM
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the blame game...

I seem to always get stuck "to have the last say"...and i am fighting with a sick person...I have realized its a WASTE of my energy!!.....I smile and go YEA? YEA?...hummm and walk away....

how do you deal with it?
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Old 11-16-2010, 04:33 PM
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Do not respond and just walk away...you can not reason with unreasonable person.
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Old 11-16-2010, 06:13 PM
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Oh glorious day when I first took what was for me a very brave step to stop engaging-especially when I was being blamed.

Now a days, I just say, "gotta go," if this starts happening. Best part? I don't even remember what my A was saying to me after. I let it go.

It's a beautiful, beautiful thing.
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Old 11-16-2010, 06:54 PM
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I just don't try to have alcoholics or addicts in my life.
Otherwise, I inhibit my reactions to their words, I detach, I lower my expectations of others, and I seek validation and the fulfillment of my emotional needs from other places/people.
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:39 AM
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Even though logically I know there's no reasoning with insanity, I still, sometimes find myself trying to do just that....I've got lots of work to do, on myself!
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Old 11-17-2010, 05:53 AM
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
how do you deal with it?
Just walk away, knowing any word I say begins a losing battle.
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Old 11-17-2010, 06:09 AM
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when i start to feel that oh so familiar frustration at not being heard, i use the STAR method.

stop
think
assess
react

i use to draw a star on my hand to remind me. it really helps.

for example, when the blaming, illogical nonsense began, i would recognize it, look at the star on my hand, say something like "excuse me for a minute" and take a walk around the block or step outside. then i would think "what's actually going on here?" ...sometimes that would take a few minutes to determine...maybe take a stroll down by the water and unconfuse myself...

after i began to practice this, the action to take would become clear. at first, i felt like i had to rush, because obviously, the other person was back there waiting on me. then, i gave myself the freedom to take as much time as i needed to determine my response. i actually began to enjoy these little walks, thinking "oh, this is so much better than reacting...breathe in the new, exhale the old, naive...oh look, the moon's rising....now, what was it he was harping on about.?..doesn't really matter does it, naive....can't reason with a drunk...oh, there's the baby swans!"

in most cases, my action was to return to the person and calmly say "i have some other things i need to do now. let's talk about that another time." and then left.
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Old 11-17-2010, 06:16 AM
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i am now starting to learn how to just walk away, go in my room to be alone but then he follows me and needles me and yells in my face so sometimes i feel there is no escaping it. if i try to leave the house he blocks my way, then he cries and its all so exasperating. but i am learning to "agree" or "pacify" him in order to keep the peace (for myself). the next morning though, look out because i'm on a rampage and i hold nothing back. then things are great for a day, then right back to square one again. i want to get off this ride so bad.
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Old 11-17-2010, 06:26 AM
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It's called the Dance... all of us "codies" do it.. we can't find validation from some one as sick as an addict ... they can not love us the way we need because they haven't found out how to love themselves.. so, I have learned not to get into the ring with the "Gorilla".. because every time I dance with him... he is the one who says when it will all end... I am powerless against addiction...

Jim
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Old 11-17-2010, 06:54 AM
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i am now starting to learn how to just walk away, go in my room to be alone but then he follows me and needles me and yells in my face so sometimes i feel there is no escaping it. if i try to leave the house he blocks my way, then he cries and its all so exasperating. but i am learning to "agree" or "pacify" him in order to keep the peace (for myself). the next morning though, look out because i'm on a rampage and i hold nothing back. then things are great for a day, then right back to square one again. i want to get off this ride so bad.
Breakingglass you can. I did, so have many of the folks here. For me, I was raised in an insane, alcoholic, physically emotionally spiritually and sexually abusive home. So being yelled at, cheated on and told I was a piece of crap was acceptable on a very primal level.

It triggered my abandonment issues from childhood. I'll be good, just please don't leave me.

These four sentences, repeated when I felt that I had no options, gave me the power to pack my **** and take my children and leave-no matter what.

I am leaving you now
I am free of you and your toxic behaviors
This is my choice
All is for my greater good.


Hope this helps!
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Old 11-17-2010, 07:10 AM
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
i am now starting to learn how to just walk away, go in my room to be alone but then he follows me and needles me and yells in my face so sometimes i feel there is no escaping it. if i try to leave the house he blocks my way, then he cries and its all so exasperating. but i am learning to "agree" or "pacify" him in order to keep the peace (for myself). the next morning though, look out because i'm on a rampage and i hold nothing back. then things are great for a day, then right back to square one again. i want to get off this ride so bad.
My axw used to follow me to the bedroom and continue to disrupt my sleep, NOBODY is allowed to disrupt my sleep.

I finally learned to calmly ask her if she wanted to go to jail. Then I would call 911 and get the police out to the house. She would run off into the night drunk, to avoid the possibility of arrest.

They would come, take a statement, and watch the neighborhood the rest of the night, and I would get a good nights sleep.

It may sound drastic, but when I was dealing with active alcoholism under my roof, as you are, I had to have my rest. It was part of taking care of ME.

After a few times, all I had to do was ask her if she wanted to go to jail, and she'd take off and leave me to my rest.

We have to teach people how we expect to be treated. Alcoholics are trainable. I taught her for years that I would put up with crap, it became time to retrain her.

She didn't like it, too bad.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 11-17-2010, 07:15 AM
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breakingglass,

I would gently suggest that this has moved beyond the blame game. Following you, screaming at you, blocking your escape...these are physical intimidation tactics. Bullying. Abuse.

The only way to win the blame game is not to play. (STAR, walk away, take some time to answer, decide not to answer).

The only way to end the abuse is to get away.

I hope you will think about this. We were physically separated for several weeks before I was clear enough to see his tactics for what they were.
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Old 11-17-2010, 07:15 AM
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I became very good at letting go of having the last word. My xah did not follow me around so I went for a very long time with the ignoring, letting it all go, not arguing, not even bringing it up, nodding when appropriate and not responding. It worked to keep a somewhat harmonious house. It worked at getting through the days. There was no arguing. I was not 'really' letting it go though because the resentment became so huge, so overwhelming, it was eating me alive. I was ignoring myself, my needs, my reality, as well.

I do not know how to detach and stay in the marriage without becoming consumed by frustrating, bitterness, anger, resentments. So for me, it was a good short term strategy - but a very very poor long term strategy. I eventually became exhausted in every way imaginable and hit my bottom. I felt like my mind was literally shattering into a zillion pieces and I couldn't figure out what was going on any longer.

Now that we are apart I really can detach. I really don't care if he has the last word or if he doesn't understand. It doesn't matter in my life. I can really let it go. I no longer have resentment and wow - what a difference. I am also learning how to not ignore myself, my needs, my life. I don't mean my need to have an afternoon off. I mean my inner or mental self. My thoughts, my feelings, my need for security, my emotions etc. I didn't even know what those were any longer.
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Old 11-17-2010, 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted by stella27 View Post
breakingglass,

I would gently suggest that this has moved beyond the blame game. Following you, screaming at you, blocking your escape...these are physical intimidation tactics. Bullying. Abuse.

The only way to win the blame game is not to play. (STAR, walk away, take some time to answer, decide not to answer).

The only way to end the abuse is to get away.

I hope you will think about this. We were physically separated for several weeks before I was clear enough to see his tactics for what they were.
I want to ditto this. In the last months (after I filed for divorce) my xah did do this and it was sooo awful. It created such confusion and emotional pain for me. I hope you can find a safe place, a place of calm and peace for yourself.
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Old 11-17-2010, 07:23 AM
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Great thread.....the blame game is not fun, it's a deadly game. You're safer playing Russian Roullette.
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Old 11-17-2010, 07:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
Now that we are apart I really can detach. I really don't care if he has the last word or if he doesn't understand. It doesn't matter in my life. I can really let it go. I no longer have resentment and wow - what a difference. I am also learning how to not ignore myself, my needs, my life. I don't mean my need to have an afternoon off. I mean my inner or mental self. My thoughts, my feelings, my need for security, my emotions etc. I didn't even know what those were any longer.
Same is true for me, once I was able to get some distance and breathing room (not under the same roof) my mental clarity, and ability to make good decisions for myself and my daughter, came back fairly quickly.

There are women in my Alanon group who still live with active alcoholism, I couldn't/wouldn't do it. Life is too short.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 11-17-2010, 09:59 AM
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its funny, i wrote this before i went to bed...i thought "nnaaa nobody goes through this" but I am so glad i posted it....S.T.A.R....i will be remembering this though and thank you all for sharing...

Al anon slogan is this really that important? and a waste of time and energy?...yep yep and double yep!!
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