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Just got off the phone w/ AH.

Old 11-16-2010, 03:04 PM
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Just got off the phone w/ AH.

He actually told me post his doctor's visit to seek help that whenever I would encourage him to not drink he thought I did this out of spite and to be mean. God help me!!! I would like to take a gun to my head.

He doesnt' see that his drinking destroys his family?!? That it destroys our marriage. I am so hurt by this I could literally upchuck. I do not think we are going to make it. It makes me so sad for my children, all my hopes and dreams for my family. The pressure from inlaws to make it work. My mother telling me to fight for my family and my husband can't grasp the idea that his drinking destroys the whole fiber of this family. Literally the wind has been taken out of my sails...I feel so terribly alone and lost. I just pray that the Lord will give me strength and continue to guide me out of this nightmare!!!
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Old 11-16-2010, 03:09 PM
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sassyea you're most definately not alone here!
I can't offer any experience of this but someone will soon.
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Old 11-16-2010, 03:30 PM
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Originally Posted by sassyea View Post
He doesnt' see that his drinking destroys his family?!? That it destroys our marriage.
Probably not. As unfathomable as it seems, I believe alcoholics think they are not hurting anyone but themselves. And that is their choice--their right. In conversations I've had with my ex since he got sober, he's told me this.

What's more, nothing you say or do will make him "see."

Also, about your mother telling you to "fight for your family." My mother was of the same thought process. In her generation it was a disgrace to be divorced. That kind of conditioning led to all kinds of issues for me, including feeling like a failure because my marriage ended. The truth is, you can "fight" for it all you want, but one person cannot save a marriage. It takes two.

I hope you will get yourself some support that is truly supportive. Whether it be Alanon or a counselor who understands addiction and codependence, or both or something else. You don't have to do this all alone.

L
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Old 11-16-2010, 03:40 PM
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You are in such a painful spot right now. I remember it well. Take a deep breath. Try and find a quiet spot in your mind. A place where you can cast out all the input from family and your husband. You know what you need. You have found that voice inside you. Protect it and honor it.

You don't have to figure everything out. Just keep doing the next right thing. It is soooo hard to know what that is sometimes but the right thing is what leads to a healthy you, a healthy mother, a healthy home. Do what you need to do to make those things happen. The next right thing.

You can let his words roll off you. You can let it go. What he thinks, says, does, doesn't change what you know, deep in your heart. It doesn't change *you* and take care not to let it crowd out your own internal voice. I know the world can seem crazy and confusing at this point so keep reading. Attend alanon if you can.

You can take control over your own life, your own happiness, and you do not need his cooperation, his changing, or his understanding to do it.
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Old 11-16-2010, 03:41 PM
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Thank you LaTeeDa:
My mother was a single parent and she doesn't want me to be one as financially it was horrible for her and us. My father was physically not in my life and things were very hard. I also do not want this for my boys I am just confused and do not know which is the lesser of two evils.

I would like to think positive and believe that I can overcome all of this and move on with my sanity intact and my boys unscathed.

I am going to my first Al-anon meeting tomorrow night and I am prayerful that I get some sort of insight. Thank you for replying to my posts. I feel as though I am on a ledge here.
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Old 11-16-2010, 03:53 PM
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Originally Posted by sassyea View Post
Thank you LaTeeDa:
My mother was a single parent and she doesn't want me to be one as financially it was horrible for her and us. My father was physically not in my life and things were very hard. I also do not want this for my boys I am just confused and do not know which is the lesser of two evils.
Well, obviously things have changed since then and these days fathers are required by law to support their children, even after divorce. Your mother is projecting. It's a perfectly natural thing to do, and I'm sure she only has your best interests at heart. But, that was then and this is now.

I'm not saying you should get a divorce, nor am I saying you should stay with him. I'm just saying this is your life and you get to decide what's best for you, regardless of what you mother thinks would be best for you.

In any case, you don't have to decide anything today. I'm glad you're going to Alanon. As I said, you need support that is truly supportive and I hope you will find it there. It was my complete exasperation and desperation in my marriage that finally drove me to seek help for myself. I'm so glad I did. Seeking therapy was the best thing I ever did.

L
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