Cyranoak

...I've always responded to her relatively promptly, and I've also intiated contact. When I didn't, it was because I was not interested. Or, I was unable to respond, but that only happened in specific circumstances and very briefly-- nothing like a pattern whatsoever.

If I were a dude-whisperer I'd say this guy isn't as interested as you would like. That's OK though, because somewhere out there is a guy who will be interested and who is also not an alcoholic/addict.

Cyranoak

P.s. You can't hold me to that last paragraph. I'm just trying to be a positive person which is difficult for me.

husbandofacoa

As a man I can honestly say that it would be so refreshing for a woman to say something like: "I really enjoy our conversations and would like to see you while you are in town. Would you like to have coffee." Then play it low key and don't be overly pushy and don't expect too much.

We men don't read subtleties very well (at least I don't) and it would be nice for someone to be straight forward.

Learn2Live

I am curious to know how it is that when a woman simply communicates what she would like, she is interpreted as being aggressive? Or why is it that way? I personally have found that I need to know exactly what I want because when I dont, I involve myself with anyone and just follow some guy around, and even have gotten emotionally wrapped up in men I did not even want to be with!!! And, in fact, the two men I specifically remember NOT wanting to be involved with (ie have sex with) convinced me to be with them and those two relationships were the most emotionally devastating, the hardest to let go, and the breakups were the most lifechanging.

Somebody has got to be in this drivers seat, and I dont think it's a good idea for me to let someone else drive my life.

Thank you for listening. I hope this was not hijacky; if so I apologize and will move this to a new thread. Thank you Stella for sharing cause I really needed to hear this.

wicked

I have learned a lot from this thread too.
I want to drive, and be the star in my own life.
yeah, that is what i want.
and, it is time to do just that.


hijacky?
i must add this to my list of adjectives.
L2L
hehehehehe

stella27

No - I haven't asked, but I DID go to therapy, and gained a lot of insight about me and some specific advice about him.

Therapist pointed out what so many of you did. I initiate 95% of all contact.
But that he responds very promptly. Therapist said that knowing that I am not at the top of his list of priorities (hunting is higher, seeing his other friends is higher) is important information for me. That I can't let my desire for a romantic relationship overshadow the FACTS.

My challenge is to stay factual.

And the therapist echoed what you all said about reciprocity - he needs to meet me at least halfway. And that it is no reflection on my desirability - he may not want a relationship, he may be happy in his life as it is, he may have a girlfriend, etc...

The paid professional said don't do it.
He also said that I am not ready to date.
That I should see every situation like this as PRACTICE.

I really appreciate the discussion.

Bucyn

He may also just not be interested in a long distance relationship. That might explain why he responds quickly when you initiate (he likes you), but never initiates himself.

It sounds like you have decided not to, and that you are comfortable with that decision. I was just going to suggest a middle route, saying: "I hear you are going to be in town next week" and seeing if he initiates a meeting. It may be you just have a pleasant conversation regarding his interest in hunting or your mutual friends, or maybe he will initiate contact. "Yeah, I am, maybe we could meet up for coffee." If he doesn't, end up the conversation maybe with something like: "Hope you have a good time, if you get a chance afterward, give me a call and tell me how it went." It gives him another opening to initiate.

My guess is he would not suggest meeting up but just enjoy the conversation with you. He might call afterwards to chat (and that would mean clearly you are just a friend). But it would give you information. If you are looking for facts to temper your fantasies, maybe that would help.

If your therapist however thinks you are not ready to date and you agree with him, then it's probably better to let it go. Think of your feelings for him as the tingling a wound gets as it starts to heal. And ask the universe to provide you with someone exactly like him--except who thinks the world of you and puts you at the top of his list. Men like that exist. You can end up with everything you are fantasizing with this guy with the bonus that he feels the same towards you.

Live

Communication is far more than what we "say" verbally. We often say here that actions speak louder than words and even in a conversation a good deal of the information transmitted is in body language and facial expression.

So, yes, a total reading says........

what you just said!

Babyblue

Yes men may go after what they want and will contact you if interested but that doesn't mean you can't plant a few kernals to see where they take you. I like the 'he's just not that into you' premise but there are lots of clueless and shy guys out there who may need a nudge. That is different then pursuing or being the aggressor. You sprinkle some goodness out there and if they nibble great, if not, move on. Don't force the issue.

Translation: learn the art of flirting!!! It makes men 'think' they are in control.

transformyself

One of the best things I ever did for myself was let the people who love me do so.

That meant, when my heart was pulled out of my chest right after I found out about AH affair, and he was living 8 blocks away with that pos, I spent a great deal of time iwth my sisters and good friends. I was working very hard to stay present, not obsess about him and her, being with happy couples almost always made me go to the bathroom and quietly sob in the stall, but over time I learned to really really let the folks who love me do so. I started respecting and honoring all kinds of love, from all sources. Drawing on it, and eventually offering up my own to others.

this may be a good time for you to do the same Stella. You have needs. you want to be loved, appreciated. Who in your life RIGHT NOW already does that? Even if it's not romantic.

Goodness, did that time teach me a lot. For instance, I know it makes me a better friend, sister and mother. Love is the answer my friend and it's swirling around you right now. You just keep looking into empty drawers for what's already streaming in the room through the window.

stella27

That's so funny, transform. I have 4 or 5 close couple friends who always include me and I love being with them. And sometimes I do cry all the way home over how much they love each other and how the husbands remember everything about their wives when they met and what made them extraordinary.

The love that is around me is from my parents who live 750 miles away and refuse to let me spend a holiday alone. My 3 children (9, 8 and 3), my girlfriends, their husbands, the teachers at my children's school who always tell me how much they love my kids and me. My kids' friends parents who invite my whole family away for a few days to their mountain house (leaving tomorrow), my bosses and my friends at work who have really taken good care of me since my separation (15 months ago). My 6 dogs and 2 cats.

My 8 year old daughter left me this note on my pillow before going with her dad this weekend:

Dear Mom, you are the best. I (heart) you. Thank you for the dogs and the cats and this home. You are the best mom in the world.

As to a coffee-date update, I ignored the therapist's advice and I did ask him for coffee - at the only time I have free tomorrow before I leave town. he said he can't go as they will still be out hunting, but he responded that "that would be nice". He also responded immediately. His friends consider him somewhat absentiminded and oblivious, and the prompt response and his initiation (earlier in the week) are fairly new developments.

Yes, I feel somewhat rejected, but the ball is definitely in his court now and I will make no further overtures. And I am leaving town to be with friends and children in the mountains for a few days with no cell service and no internet. It is going to be fabulous.

Thank you all.

tjp613

Great thread!

Stella, I'm glad you asked him ... I read this entire thread hoping that's what you would decide to do! I like stories of people who step outside their comfort zone to (try to) get what they want! I have a friend that once told me, "You don't get what you don't ask for" and I've always remembered it. At the time we were talking about soliciting charitable donations (LOL) but still, this is a woman who has accomplished much and is not afraid to ask anyone for anything! I admire that quality....it exudes confidence!

Sounds like you have a huge circle of people who love you and ((Transformie)) is so wise to point out that we should be drinking that up like the finest wine! Love in all its forms is a beautiful gift. Enjoy!

tjp613

....oh... and I wanted to also say, "SIX dogs?????"

stella27

I'm a reformed dog-rescuer.
I have maxed out on dogs, and I never plan to rescue another human (axh?) as long as I live.