transformyself

RED FLAG!!

When this is happening to me I'm in trouble.

Also, he might be gay.

stella27

As to the RED FLAG: I am aware of this, but need a reminder. Can someone walk me through it?

Summerpeach

In my experience, when a man wants a woman, they will do anything and everything to let her know. But that leaves them with all the control as well
There is a double standard though. Men can chase and it's sweet, women do it and it's agressive.

He may fear relationships or just not be ready. My best friend is a guy who is handsome as he*ll and every woman chases him. He's broken many hearts and it's not that he doesn't like these women, he's just not ready to be with anyone now.

If he doesn't ask you out, I would leave it alone. But that's me

transformyself

Well, when I'm in desperate mode I'm not feeling too good about myself and the person I'm desperate about can see me coming a mile away. They usually run. Desperate isn't attractive, unless you're a controlling scary person and no thanks to that.

For me, feeling rejected when my expectation isn't met is about unresolved abandonment issues from my childhood, the very same dynamic that kept me in a sick relationship for years with a man who treated me like sh*t. I stayed and stayed and tried to control him and didn't focus on making my life better and begged for more actually.

Yes your man is funny, cute and charming and dotes on your kids. But he also sounds disinterested or at best, passive. Oh boy did I chase those guys too. Please! Reject me, but throw me just enough crumbs to keep me interested. No thank you.

Passive men are a huge no no for me, my personality is too strong and I appreciate clear communication.

After you've had someone who respects and pursues you, you'll never go back. But first, I had to learn to respect myself. I would recommend focusing on your life Girl. Make your life as beautiful and amazing and enticing to YOU as you can.

transformyself

Also, I think this may help
USATODAY.com - Excerpt from 'He's Just Not That Into You'

stella27

A million thanks, transformy. I actually have that book on my kindle and promised myself that I would read it before I made another move.

transformyself

You're welcome. I'm an expert on how to screw up a relationship! Glad to help!

coyote21

Am I the only one that picked up on the "He's 45 and never been married" part here?

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. In Alanon we are taught to clearly ASK for what we want, I was very guilty of being resentful toward my sig. other for not meeting my unspoken needs by "mind reading".

stella27

Does the fact that I really like him and want him as a friend (even if he doesn't love me) and that it's only a cup of coffee, for Pete's sake! change anything?

Or if I have a crush on him that is unreciprocated, should I not try to see him?
Is this a serenity question?

suki44883

Not really, but it sounds like you really, REALLY want to invite him to meet up, so you might as well just do it. It just seems to me that if he was interested in being more than online/telephone friends, he'd have let you know that by now. But, like I said, it sounds like you really want to do it, so go on and do it. It's not like you need our permission.

uprwestsdr

It helps to recognize that this is a fantasy escape. And, there's no harm in that unless you act out in harmful ways.

Let him call you and if he doesn't, accept that, at least on his part, there is no interest.

FindingPeace1

I think what these disparate opinions have in common is
1. don't lose yourself in worry/stress/hope/fear/attachment - all the drama our own minds create. Settle down. Slow down. Relax. Trust the universe to unfold as it should.
2. Claim your power to choose the action you take and have that be okay.
3. be aware of where he is at (feeling and action wise) and don't get so caught up in you and your fantasy that you miss what is happening.

Whether you call and lay it out or let him do what he will, if you are conscious and aware, you'll do fine.

peace

stella27

What I really want is to to see him. I don't want to see him at the expense of my dignity - chasing someone who has no interest of any kind. I agree with you, Suki, that all the signs point to "no romantic interest".

I am consciously taking no action on the calling/emailing/inviting until I have some peace with my decision.

What I am trying to decide is whether I am capable of being happy in a non-romantic friendship or whether I will always be trying to make him notice me as a prospect.

If it's going to further romantic thoughts about someone who doesn't feel that way about me, the answer should be no - don't try to see him.

I really DON'T want to see him so I can audition for some role in his life, and if I can't keep from doing that, then the answer should be no as to arranging a "date", no matter how casual.

See how talking to y'all helps me?

FormerDoormat

Well, I'm 50 and I've never been married, and I have no intention of ever getting married. Does that mean that there's something inherently wrong with me? I don't think so. I just happen to feel that marriage isn't right or beneficial for me at this time. I do, however, reserve the right to change my mind.

I do think that the use of words like "fantasy" and "dreamy" could be indicative of magical thinking. He is, after all, only a man with many flaws, just like the rest of us. I think you've come to the a wise decision to wait until you're thinking from a less magical place.

stella27

hey, I've been married. It $ucked. Or I wasn't good at it. Or my AXH wasn't or something.

I'm not judging anybody for not marrying.

Summerpeach

I'm 44 and was never married. I was SMART enough never to get married
I was with an ex for 11 yrs, engaged and just knew marriage made little sense.

crystal226

I am by no means an expert or even an experienced person when it comes to dating, but it has always been my feeling that when approaching a relationship (even a friendship) with someone you should be true to yourself, real and honest. If you want to invite him, then invite him...if you would feel cheated if he didn't call you instead then wait for him to call. Whatever approach you choose for yourself may or may not work for him..there is really no way to know for sure. If it doesn't work out then at least you know you did what felt right to you. Just my opinion

wicked

Stella,
This is great. No more auditions for me. I am the star in my life!
(stella means star doesn't it?)


Beth

Babyblue

You can put it the idea out there (mention you heard he is coming to town and would love to hang out) and see if he bites but other than that I wouldn't be too aggressive. I do like Crystal's point and I am one who believes in going for what I want BUT many men usually go for what they want if they are really interested. He may have some interest but could be still on the fence.

OR he has a girlfriend...

If he is interested but you are the one doing all the work, to me that is sort of a red flag as well. It means you'll be the one carrying the load in managing the relationship. It is about reciprocity: you reach out, he responds then HE reaches out, you respond. Without that it can be tiresome because then you do feel like you are 'chasing'. Oh and some men LOVE the attention or idea that a woman likes them but aren't interested.

My opinion is if he were coming to see you and liked you AS much then he would have said something by now but you know him best. Personally, he sounds like a lot of work to get to know. I would get tired fast. Also sounds like at this point you aren't wanting to be just his friend so don't settle. If you are his friend, odds are you won't cross over into that romantic side. Still possible but that again would be work. I guess I'm lazy about relationships. I just wanna sit back and have them fall from the sky.

To summarize my scattered response baby says: Let him know you are around if he wants to get coffee during his visit. Leave it at that. If he says no thanks or doesn't respond, he isn't interested but don't take it as rejection. He just isn't at the same place you are in terms of wanting to pursue a romance. Maybe he just got out of relationship. If you are really stuck on him, relationships may be a good topic of conversation to have. That usually can answer lots of your questions and can tell you more about him.

Whatever you do, HAVE FUN! Don't take it so seriously.

Time4Me1

[After you've had someone who respects and pursues you, you'll never go back. But first, I had to learn to respect myself. I would recommend focusing on your life Girl. Make your life as beautiful and amazing and enticing to YOU as you can.[/QUOTE]

This is good!!!