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Stuck. Feel like I'm hurting my boys

Old 11-16-2010, 04:52 PM
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Actually, I'm not trivializing anything. I"m being realistic and not triggered, that's all.

I also think us arguing about my intent will detract from the original poster.
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Old 11-16-2010, 04:57 PM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
Actually, I'm not trivializing anything. I"m being realistic and not triggered, that's all.

I also think us arguing about my intent will detract from the original poster.

I'm not here to argue, I made my point and I accept that not everyone will agree with it. I only speak from my experiences.
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Old 11-16-2010, 04:58 PM
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Originally Posted by coyote21 View Post
Yes, he's going to notice how you take care of yourself and how you take care of HIM.

I know this is hard. The hardest thing I've ever done was to stop protecting my grown alcoholic wife, and begin to protect my child. It was my proudest moment.

The mind set of me, as a dad, being put in a position to have to protect my precious child from her own mother, was one of the hardest things I've ever had to understand.
That really shines a bright light on the situation.

Cryanoak, the title of your post "Substitute daughter for son..." got me thinking. What if it had been a father grabbing a daughter? It surely would have been seen as violence. It's sad that I didn't apply the same standard to my son that night.

I've got another son who's 13. He was in his room while this happened but I'm sure he heard it all.

You've all given me so much. I don't know where I'd be without you!
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Old 11-16-2010, 05:16 PM
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One of the things that really helped my sisters and I was attending Al-ateen meetings. I've taken my middle son, who is 12, a few times as well.

Don't know if you have them in your area, or what they're like, but when i was a kid the leader of our groups was AWESOME and the simple fact that he wasn't my parent or a member of my family really helped me hear him and develope a foundation.

Of course, it took about 25 years later for me to return to that foundation, but at least it was put in place at that time. I learned that A) I wasn't alone and others understood how awful I felt and B) that there was Hope.
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Old 11-16-2010, 05:37 PM
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I'm a true believer that kids are very resilient. But I think by that I mean LITTLE kids. Not teenagers. This thread really triggered me, I wish you could see how much so; is it OK if I share on your thread SteppingUp?

I think it is different for teenagers because they do not forget as easily as little kids do. I read your story SteppingUp and then replied while at work, and then a while later, driving home, I was still triggered. I could FEEL my Dad's finger, his (very strong) index finger, the way he would take the ******* index finger and point it, stick it in my sternum just under my chin and PUSH me while he was saying whatever nastiness was coming out of his drunk ******* face. I couldn't have weighed any more than 95 pounds at the time. I am telling you that feeling is still here and it has been at least 26 years. There is this frustration that I cannot explain. This anger that is so extreme I want to kill someone (Please note I would never kill someone, I am simply trying to explain the feeling that comes from this very physical remembering).

So yes, I agree, people recover, but SOME things you cannot recover from. Some things linger forever. This I cannot change. I want to say get your kids away from that nasty woman SteppingUp. I am sorry to tell you what to do but I feel like I need to because I am hurting. I obviously cannot make your life decisions for you.
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Old 11-16-2010, 05:51 PM
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Maybe I oversimplify in my head, but to me there's good behavior and bad behavior.

Kids off all ages deserve to have good behavior exhibited in their family dynamic.

There are constructive ways to deal with poor behavior in a child, same with an adolescent, but how can a child be expected to deal with poor behavior that a parent exhibits?

I can't get my mind around the current use of the word "abuse"......so for me anyway, it's good or bad behavior.



Steppin',

These are your kids you're writing about, would you accept this behavior from a member of the clergy?, or a teacher?, or a neighbor?

I think just maybe the type of behavior you explain is what folks are talking about when they say "set boundaries"....

Best to you and your kids!
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Old 11-16-2010, 07:02 PM
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Oh, I'm sorry LaTeeDa, I didn't mean to be argumentative or contrary. I didn't read your post about kids and resilience until just now. Wasn't intentional.
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Old 11-16-2010, 09:40 PM
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I didn't take it that way at all L2L. In fact, I think you reinforced my point with your very personal and painful share. And I think sometimes we, as adults, use the "kids are resilient" line as a way to minimize how our own selfish choices impact our children. I know I did, and it's one of the most difficult aspects of my history with the alcoholic to deal with. If there was one thing I could have a do-over on, it would be how I parented my children in their early years, before I found recovery. Those wrongs can never be undone, no matter how many rights I do now.

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Old 11-18-2010, 07:06 AM
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SteppingUp I have re-read my original post to you, and I must have sounded like a pompous a**. I must apologize. I'm still working on myself and God isn't done with me yet!

I have found an excellent free ebook online called "25 Keys to Healthier Parenting", and is basically a hands on guide for effective parenting. It is written by Diane Wagenhals in cooperation with the Institute for Professional Education and Development.

I haven't been a member of SR long enough to be allowed to post links but I will try to get around that problem.
www-lakesidelink-com/parenting-ebook

******************************************** *****************

If I had my child to raise over again
I'd build self-esteem first and the house later
I'd finger paint more and point the finger less
I would do less correcting and more connecting
I'd take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes
I would care to know less and know to care more
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites
I'd stop playing serious and seriously play
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars
I'd do more hugging and less tugging
I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often
I would be firm less often and affirm much more
I'd model less about the love of power
And more about the power of love.
Diane Loomans
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Old 11-18-2010, 07:46 AM
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SteppingUp

I found this article last night Its Not Your Fault which seemed like a good way to start a conversation with boys your kids' age. I think I'll also use it with my older son. I sometimes find it easier to start conversations if I have a cheat sheet so to speak. It led me to this website which has a ton of good articles that I am beginning to read. Natioanl Association for Children of Alcoholics The articles are helping me understand what my kids might be experiencing and opening my eyes to how the cycle continues as I look at my own childhood. I haven't read them all and I have so much floating around in my head that I have to read them over and over to really digest it all. I'm not vouching for the info - just sharing a resource.
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Old 11-18-2010, 07:58 AM
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Phoenix, I didn't think you a pompous a$$ at all. I can see that you too know what it's like to live in a house full of raging hormones!

Thumper, thank you for the links. I'll be reading the material today!
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