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things so out of control

Old 11-16-2010, 10:09 AM
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things so out of control

Hi, i am new here. i dont' really know where to start. my husband of only three years is an alcoholic. when i married him he drank, beer. and he would stop at the neighborhood bar after work and have a few. i didn't care because i was there with him as we both hung around with the same people. but after i got married i had no desire to go to bars. neither did he as a matter of fact. but now its straight vodka that he drinks. he becomes very verbal and nasty and has even lashed out at my 75 year old mother. he doesn't remember the next day how horrible he was and then cries about it. now he hides the bottles all over the garage. he's been laid off of work for almost 2 years now and i think that may be the reason he has been drinking much heavier. i fear for his health and for my own. i work every day, plus i do the bills, the shopping, the cooking, the laundry, the cleaning, etc... i do it all. while he sits around all day, every day drinking. and when i come home he is too drunk or tired to even eat dinner with me. my sex life is non existant and we do not even sleep in the same room. we have only been married 3years.... this can't be normal. i cry every day and i have threatened to leave several times but i just can't do it. i can't do it financially nor can i walk out on him. he is so needy and so pathetic. i do love my husband but he is so far beyond any help i can give him and i am lost as to what i should do next. and i think it irritates the life out of me that i must be the one to initiate him getting help..... its so hard to have to do all that i do now plus i have to be the one to make that happen and i'm just too darn tired to add any more stress on my plate. did i mention that i am going through menopause and have severe hot flashes and nightsweats? at night they are so bad that my dr put me on sleeping pills. also i have a sister who is depressed and sinking lower and lower and she calls me crying and all down and just don't know how to help her either. i feel like everyone looks to me to lean on but all of this is breaking my back. i'm going to end up being the one who needs help. can i see past all of that and feel happy and content within my own self? i'm just so tired of looking out for everyone else. when is somebody going to take care of me? do i sound selfish?
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Old 11-16-2010, 10:15 AM
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No, you don't sound selfish...you sound tired. And you should be tired. You've been doing it all for almost 2 years now. You deserve a rest and you certainly deserve better than what you are getting.

Welcome to SR! We are here to support you. Read the posts from others who are or have been where you are. We can offer you experience, strength and hope.
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Old 11-16-2010, 10:18 AM
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do i sound selfish?
no, to me you do not sound selfish, you sound overwhelmed.
physically, emotionally and spiritually.

i'm going to end up being the one who needs help.
when is somebody going to take care of me?
you need help right now. and the somebody who is going to take care of you is......YOU!

there is an analogy about an airplane going down and the air masks drop out of the ceiling. you must put your own air mask before you can help anyone else.
you are running out of air breakingglass.

i hear you say that you dont want to add to your work load, but could you find time to read Codependent No More? Or go to some AlAnon meetings where you will get the much needed support you are gasping for. The people there have been where you are and will understand.

Beth
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Old 11-16-2010, 10:20 AM
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Welcome! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your story!
I have been married for 3 years, too. No one wants to have an AH (alcoholic husband) for 3 years or 30. Yuck-o.
The good news? Someone is going to start taking care of you soon. That's YOU taking care of you. HOORAY!
And when you stop taking care of others to attend to your needs, you'll have the energy to nurture yourself. That's been my experience.

Care-taking is often associated with codependency. There are some great stickies at the top of the forum that go into detail, and I'd recommend a wonderful book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie which has helped many of us out a lot!

You are on the right track. Stick around. Read away. Get support. Things will begin to shift for the good.

Peace
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Old 11-16-2010, 10:20 AM
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Jinx, wicked! We were mind melding!
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Old 11-16-2010, 10:38 AM
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There is help for you.

I lived your exact life, except as the husband of an alcoholic wife.

Here is your help, but you have to reach out for it:

RI-Al-Anon

This is where you go to heal and find answers. Try at least six meetings, some different, before you decide if it is right for you.

Take care,

Cyranoak
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Old 11-16-2010, 10:57 AM
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thank you all so much. i do try to "find" myself in all of this. but its really hard. all i can see are his demons. talking does no good either. even when he agrees with me. i think he only does it to pacify the moment....then onto the next bout of drinking..... i know you all have faith that i will one day see the light and be able to find peace for myself, but right now it seems so far away. i do appreciate you all being here and for having others to talk to who can relate.
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Old 11-16-2010, 11:18 AM
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always here breakingglass.
try to take care of yourself, just one small thing today.
you have earned it.
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Old 11-16-2010, 11:20 AM
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Cyranoak, a stupid question here..... do you have to make an appointment to go to one of these alanon meetings? or can i just walk into one? this is all very new to me but i feel i am at a point where i just need outside help. my friends and family are wonderful but sometimes tend to give me irrational advice or they just tell me what i want to hear.
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Old 11-16-2010, 11:23 AM
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ah, no need for an appointment breakingglass.
just go to the meeting and try a few of them.
yeah, family can do that, especially if they are used to you being the "strong" one.
the alanon meeting will be full of people who will understand your story.
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Old 11-16-2010, 11:30 AM
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Feel like we are in the same boat

I am so glad I found someone who is going thru what I am going thru. I also feel like I am at the breaking point and will be the one who is hospitalized and AH will still continue to drink while I suffer from a heart attack or stroke. I am 36 years old w/ a three yr old and a 19 month old. My grandmother who is like my mom is dying. I work everyday and commute 3 hrs total to and from work.

I do not need another child to take care of. He just got back from the doctor an hour ago w/ a pity party for himself. He doesn't get what toll this takes on me. I believe he will never get it. He called me today and said the doctor said, "I am not an alcoholic I have severe chronic depression."

I am just praying for peace for me and my two boys. A home in where I can restfully and peacefully lay my head at night to fight this brutal harsh world. With my husband for the last four years I haven't had that. It has been a rolller coaster ride. Up down side to side. Granted we have had some beautiful precious moments. The birth of our boys, the holidays this past Halloween but they are always in the shadow of his blackouts, arrests, broken glass the neighbors talking behind or backs about the "perfect little suburban family".

I am at my wits end too and am on the brink of being unable to help myself. If it weren't for my two little babies I would be long gone. I am trying to keep my family together for God's sake. I have no money everything is in our home. He would track me down no matter where I went anyway. I feel like a caged animal with no room to breathe. This whole thing is an utter nightmare. It doesn't make me happy to say you aren't alone.

Be well!
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Old 11-16-2010, 12:02 PM
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Sassyea, you really do sound like me. and yes, its like having another child to care for. sometimes i am afraid that my neighbors may call the police when he's outside screaming obscenities at me. we too have our moments but they are far a few between all of the fighting and pain. and i hear the same sob stories and get the same lies about the doctors. "he won't help me"....what doctor says a thing like that! he has dented my new frig, kicked and dented my car, broke all kinds of dishes, glasses and his cell phone several times. we had a house full of people (at least 75) for our annual 4th of july party and he was so drunk he was swearing at everyone and me that people starting leaving. it was so embarrassing.

i too want to lay my head on my pillow and fall asleep with a smile on my face and contentment in my heart, rather than tears in my eyes. i too want to get up and just leave all the time but i also have everything in the house. its not like i have some overflowing bank account and i can just go get my own place...its all so heartbreaking.

and just for the record, i know you aren't really happy saying i'm not alone. nobody wants that. but i do understand how it can take a little of that lonliness away. nobdy wants to feel alone either.
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Old 11-17-2010, 03:29 AM
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I want to add that you consider making a plan to leave in case. A place to stay, food, money, just for the short term if things get bad.
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Old 11-17-2010, 03:51 AM
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I remember getting to the point where I had nothing left to give. Like you, I was spent. My depression was so deep and deadly I felt as though I had dug myself a hole and I was at the bottom looking up but there was no light that I could see. And I would try to climb out but everytime I tried to pull myself up, all I got was a fist full of mud and dirt under my fingernails. All this from living with a recovering and then relapsing alcoholic addict and continuing to caretake my addict brother and addict SIL and their children, plus my BF's small children.

Please go to Al-Anon.
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Old 11-17-2010, 04:25 AM
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Missfixit..... I do have places to go if need be. as far as money goes, I am trying to pay off some credit card bills and get that all caught up plus i'm trying to save a little too. i do have a very supportive family that want to see me happy.

Learn2live..... i have contacted alanon in my area to find meeting times and places. i will go. and thanks.
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Old 11-17-2010, 04:48 AM
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Good for you.

I rememeber thinking that my A would never do anything harmful to me like leaving me without any resources. He certainly said that he would never do that. He did. Please do not underestimate an active A. You really cannot believe what they tell you or what you think they would never do.

Do you have separate finances? Bank accounts, credit cards? Anything joint, you might consider closing or limiting.
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Old 11-17-2010, 04:54 AM
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i have a separate savings account and i handle all of the money in the household. even his savings accounts.... both names on them. i do not fear that he would take it all and the house is his. i moved in it when we married. he can have it!!

someone mentioned on here about having a plan. even if its a two year plan, stick with it. i have a plan...not a two year plan, more like a 6 month plan. i want to make sure everything is in order. i'm scared....really scared. all of this talk scares me but its something i need to hear and listen to.....
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Old 11-17-2010, 05:03 AM
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Hi breakingglass

I am an alcoholic of 12 years standing. I sometimes come over to this side of the forum to get an insight into how everyone around me might be thinking and feeling about my recovery. I hope you wont mind me commenting on some of your situation from my personal experiences

Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
when i married him he drank, beer... but now its straight vodka?
My word he has moved fast. I remember many years ago saying to one of my buddies (haha) that I couldn't seem to get drunk anymore. His response was "well you need to get onto vodka then - and try it on an empty stomach too!"

It may actually be a good thing that he has moved onto vodka so fast - he may be that much nearer to the point of getting so sick of alcohol and the hold it has taken over him that he will be able to initiate some recovery for himself. Please dont hold your breath. Today I am 9 days sober and I found an email last night that I sent to AA asking for their help, dated July 2009.

Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
i do love my husband but he is so far beyond any help i can give him and i am lost as to what i should do next. and i think it irritates the life out of me that i must be the one to initiate him getting help.....?
It is critical that you realise at a very early stage that it is HE who must initiate his own help. Otherwise you could be in for repeating relapses indefinitely. He will never overcome this demon because YOU need him to, he will need to make peace with his demons when he is good and ready

Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
i'm going to end up being the one who needs help.?
I looks to me like you could already do with plenty of support and you have found a really good place here at SR.

May I also suggest you have a look at the "alcoholics" side of the forum as well if you can find time -- there are some VERY uplifting examples where recovering alcoholics are coming out the other side of all this mess.

Whatever the case, YOU need to take care of YOU and this is as good a place as any to start.
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Old 11-17-2010, 06:24 AM
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noalcoholtoday, tell me this, i bug him almost every day to get help. should i just not say it anymore and let him figure it out? i wish i could do that but i have this insatiable need to remind him constantly. i fear if i dont', maybe he'll think i forgot all about it and i'm willing to let him be and do what he wants without consequence. this is all so confusing. some days i feel like i have a grip on it and other i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle.

and i never mind anyone commenting on what i say. that's why i joined.
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Old 11-17-2010, 06:31 AM
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i wouldn't bug him about getting help.

say it once and then drop it. get on with your evening.

detach, detach, detach.
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