things so out of control

Old 11-17-2010, 06:34 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Said with love: Yes, you should stop nagging him about it. After a while, they don't even hear you anymore. He knows how you feel, so he will either do something about it or he won't. You can't control him, but you can control yourself. Only you can decide what you are willing to live with. The most important thing is to keep yourself safe. If at all possible, set aside some money of your own that he cannot get to. Make a plan and start working toward it a little bit at a time. You will feel so much more confident once you have a plan in place.
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Old 11-17-2010, 07:37 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
noalcoholtoday, tell me this, i bug him almost every day to get help. should i just not say it anymore and let him figure it out? i wish i could do that but i have this insatiable need to remind him constantly
Well I am pretty new to all this recovery game myself so I dont have all the answers. All I can say is that I was sick and tired of everyone else having a view about my alcohol use, except me. Most of the time I was explicitly using alcohol to blot out any possibility that I might have to face up to reality. I sure wasn't in any position to face my wife's reality.

We alcoholics are not thinking on a rational level about all this - most of the time we are simply using our wits to stay above water (which is one of the reasons why alcoholics can often be so manipulative)

I am so sorry he is lashing out at you and everyone around him. I did too for a while but I was NEVER violent, I just shouted at people and lost a lot of friends. I remember saying to my wife "well if you dont want me to get angry, then dont say anything to make me angry". Perfectly ridulous in hindsight but due to the distorted perception of an alcohol blurred mind. The anger is really at oneself and, unfortunately, the inner self wont allow us to target it inwards so it just getting sprayed around arbitrarily. Thank Christ my wife stuck by me and we are starting to build all over again. But she did have to TAKE ACTION in order for me to register on the radar. Its just no good threatening an alcoholic without following through. We are like small children constantly pushing the boundaries of what we can get away with. My wife actually had to miss her flight home and tell me she wasn't coming home till I DID something about it. I still didn't do anything for a couple of months (and rather foolishly she came home in the meantime)

I read today (sorry I cant remember on which thread but definitely in the F&F section today) about the difference between support and enabling. This is an important distinction. Beyond that, I really dont know what to suggest. We alcoholics are just not listening to other people's needs - we are WAY too busy trying not to face up to our own.

But on the possitive side, there are lots of us trying desperately to find a new way of living without alcohol abuse - it is not all doom and gloom!! Look after yourself as your number one priority. Shift your thought patterns away from him and onto your own well being.
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Old 11-17-2010, 07:56 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Please keep in mind, that even if he gets help, there is a whole other road to go down. I am dealing with a ten year severe, life threatening alcoholic, who just got treatment, and it is still like dealing with a child.

There is no easy fix, and just think about, while attending the alanon meetings, whether you want to invest another year, two, ten...

We have so much on our own plates, as you said. It is awful to have someone who is just checking out of reality on us. we forget what it could be like to have a person in our lives who is present. Or to just be alone and only have to deal with stuff that belongs to us.

I feel for you. It sounds like it is getting worse. If he lashes out at your mother and does not remember, things are just going to get worse.

Alanon will not tell you to stay, or to leave. alanon will ask you to keep your eyes on your own paper, so to speak, and those were the keys that have led me to more clarity about what is mine and what is his.
You can choose by degrees what you want to take part in.
good luck. keep posting
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Old 11-17-2010, 08:07 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Dear breakingglass,

I just wanted to thank you for sharing this. It is so painful! My heart goes out to you. I, too, have been in a three year relationship (we aren't married) with an alcoholic who is in complete denial (my opinion). Over the past three years, I have tried and tried and tried to talk to him about my concerns with his drinking, but he just WILL NOT talk to me about it. I have journaled about it so many times over the past three years- with many entries stating that I thought we would probably break up over it. Finally, over the past two weeks, I have gotten the courage and strength to start taking care of myself ONLY. I do not worry about him. It was almost like a lightbulb went off in my head.

I know how difficult it is to NOT want to hurt or abandon someone. I was sick with the thoughts of how hurt ABF would be if I left him. Physically ill. But, I came to this board, I started attending Alanon, and I slowly began to realize that I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM! I don't mean to shout at you with my 'all caps'!! I just wanted you to know that there is a way to be healthy again. Based on my experience, I recommend that you keep coming back to this forum, post your heart out, try out an alanon meeting, read Codependent No More and Too Good To Stay, Too Bad to Leave- the info about these books is in the Stickies section at the top of the forum page. Oh yeah, take it one day at a time, one minute at a time. Baby steps!!

You can take charge of your life, I promise!!! It is not easy, and it may not happen overnight, but it will happen if you make it happen!!

BIG HUG to you!!

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Old 11-17-2010, 08:29 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
i'm scared....really scared. all of this talk scares me but its something i need to hear and listen to.....
It's OK to be scared. Don't get angry at yourself for being scared- it is absolutely OK to be frightened of the unknown. Don't let that fear keep you stuck in the destructive cyclone that I like to call 'dealing with an alcoholic'.

You are doing a great thing for yourself by coming to this board- keep coming back!!! We care about you and we will listen!!!

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Old 11-17-2010, 09:13 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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i may sound like a big baby but sometimes writing in here, i do cry. i cry when i read how a stranger can care about me and what i have to say more than my own husband cares. and all i an say is what a lovely bunch of people. i can't help but think that you are all better people because of what you've had to deal with and because you did let others in. thank you all so much.
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Old 11-17-2010, 09:36 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Old 11-18-2010, 08:15 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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a little late with my welcome, but i am so glad that you are finding some kindship here

this is such a terrific forum, and i am very hopeful for you!

you're right; we DO care and if you keep coming, you will soon start feelings like you are forming relationships on here

you do - my humble opinion - need to form those healthy, sober, Real relationships too, however.

best to you, please come often. i wish you peace
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