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AH wants me to help him thru therapy.

Old 11-16-2010, 08:31 AM
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AH wants me to help him thru therapy.

And I need my own therapist. It takes all of my energy to get out of bed and go to work. Soon they will be placing him on disability he is going to the doctor today at a fourth attempt to get help. He has begged me to help him get better. Stating that he can't do it w/out me. I see this as a red flag. I told him please do this for yourself only. Not for me not for the kids. He says he is afraid that if he doesnt' get help I am gone. I already am gone. Saturday's episode has taken a piece of my already shattered and broken heart and nearly destroyed it. With everything I have gone thru in my life which he knows about he has compounded that ten fold. It isn't enough that my grandmother who raised me is dying I lsot my first born son to stillbirth which I overcame w/ psychotherapy and prayer and now I get to deal w/ his addiction just to keep my family together. So that my boys have a father?!?

I feel trapped!!! I feel like having an affair! I feel like running out my 38th FL window. What about my needs these last four years that you were unable to cater to because you were too busy making excuses for every can of beer and every bottle of wine you guzzled down!!!!! I really hate him and myself right now. I hate myself for marrying and having innocent children by an alcoholic and i hate him for not being able to change!
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Old 11-16-2010, 08:49 AM
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ok.

Deep breath mama.

I know how easy it is to work oneself into a frenzy when feeling trapped. Ask me how I know...I'm NoDay, Queen of Awfulizing!

First off, give yourself a break. When you married this man, there wasn't a blinking neon sign above his head that said: "YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A DANGER ZONE; ALCOHOLISM IN PROGRESS". And even if there were, you may not have been ready to accept it.

But it seems to me you're ready now. Your gut is telling you it's over. And you can see those glaring red flags when your AH tries to burden you with HIS recovery. You are entirely right to recoil from that responsibility:

You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it

His recovery is his business alone and whether you want to or not (I'm glad to see you don't want to), you have no power over his addiction.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to set some boundaries and enforce them. If he wants to do x,y,z, to get better, then good for him. You've got 2 kids and your own issues to tackle.
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Old 11-16-2010, 09:38 AM
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sassyea, I agree you need your own therapist. I mean, every human being does IMHO!! if I could I would send everybody to a therapist LOL.

I was stuck in the mud with too many losers/addicts/abusive males. Only in therapy can I zoom out, connect the dots, feel compassion as to why I have done all I have done and taken the decisions i have taken, and then habitate the present and start doing small changes to benefit me and me only to pave something different for myself.


Hugs and remember the Square breathing

count to 4 - breathe in
count to 4 -hold
count to 4- breathe out
count to 4- stay still

Repeat as needed
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Old 11-16-2010, 09:51 AM
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You are okay.
This too shall pass.
One day at a time. One hour, one minute, one moment.
Breathe.

Your job is to take care of you and your babies. Your job is not to take care of him. He is an adult and can take care of himself. If he needs support, he can find it. It is not your JOB.
There is probably (if you are like me) a part of you that is saying it IS your job, which is why you might feel frustrated and burdened. But it is not. Tell that part of you that feels responsible (because you are nice, because you are married, because he needs help, because going to therapy would help him, because you have been telling him he needs therapy, because he is the father of your children - whatever you choose) that you TRUST the universe and him to take care of him.
That frees up you to take care of you and your little 'uns.
One minute at a time.
You are gifted with lovely babies. You are gifted with not being an alcoholic. You are gifted with this life. Hold on to that good to help you through.

peace
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Old 11-16-2010, 09:54 AM
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Dear Sassyea, I could have written your post myself! I feel like I was where you are several years ago. You are right to see this as a red flag! I didn't see a red flag in my particular story, and did try to help my AH work his recovery. The end result was that he used me as his crutch and he never really had to work his own recovery program. He was the only person who could work the 12 steps for himself. He can be classified as a dry drunk.

Fast forward to this year. I was in intensive care and almost died. I am missing a crunk of time that I do not remember. It was literally through the Grace of God that I survived. My doctors, themselves, could not scientifically explain my recovery. I suffer immobility problems, but I'm like the Phoenix the bird and am "rising from the ashes". After I enabled our marriage for the sake of my children, my AH just wasn't there for me!

Yes, Sassyea, you do need your own therapist, or at least your own recovery program. You are right your AH needs to work his own recovery program just for himself! I strongly suggest you use this time while your AH is hospitalized to find yourself again. Actually this is a good time to make space between your AH and yourself with your children. Do you have a place you could use for a wellness center?

You wrote "I hate myself for marrying and having innocent children by an alcoholic and i hate him for not being able to change!" That's a very complex sentence with a lot of mixed feelings. Just remember if you hadn't married him, you wouldn't have your beautiful children!

God's Blessings!
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Old 11-16-2010, 09:56 AM
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you've helped him enough...

...it's time for him to help himself (and to do so forever). It's not your job in any scenario, including marriage. Do what you need to do for you and your children. Period. Nothing else matters at all.

He is panicking because he senses his enabler going away. It has nothing to do with the actual you, and it has everything to do with your changing yourself. So, keep changing yourself-- get to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as possible. Go to six or more meetings, some different, before you decide if it is a fit for you. It will help you learn how to negotiate the rest of this situation, and not create another one with a different man.

Take care,

Cyranoak


Originally Posted by sassyea View Post
And I need my own therapist. It takes all of my energy to get out of bed and go to work. Soon they will be placing him on disability he is going to the doctor today at a fourth attempt to get help. He has begged me to help him get better. Stating that he can't do it w/out me. I see this as a red flag. I told him please do this for yourself only. Not for me not for the kids. He says he is afraid that if he doesnt' get help I am gone. I already am gone. Saturday's episode has taken a piece of my already shattered and broken heart and nearly destroyed it. With everything I have gone thru in my life which he knows about he has compounded that ten fold. It isn't enough that my grandmother who raised me is dying I lsot my first born son to stillbirth which I overcame w/ psychotherapy and prayer and now I get to deal w/ his addiction just to keep my family together. So that my boys have a father?!?

I feel trapped!!! I feel like having an affair! I feel like running out my 38th FL window. What about my needs these last four years that you were unable to cater to because you were too busy making excuses for every can of beer and every bottle of wine you guzzled down!!!!! I really hate him and myself right now. I hate myself for marrying and having innocent children by an alcoholic and i hate him for not being able to change!
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Old 11-16-2010, 11:25 AM
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Your detachment from his recovery is not punishment to him. You are not doing anything to him.

You are taking steps to help yourself and your children live healthier lives. You are important. Your lives matter!

He is not a helpless victim.

Around here (SR) we refer to the manipulative words of an alcoholic as quacking. Alcoholics will blame-shift, guilt, manipulate, deny, lie and any other tactic they can invent to try to keep their status quo. It is all a bunch of quacking.

I want to share a link to one of my favorite stickies. It is under the title About Recovery and titled: Hooks that keep us in boundaryless relationships. Here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

This is from that link:
5. Helplessness and Neediness of Relationship Partners

Maybe you get hooked by the neediness and helplessness of your relationship partners. You find yourself hooked when your partners get into self-pity, "poor me" and "how tough life has been." You find yourself weak when your relationship partners demonstrates an inability to solve personal problems. You find yourself wanting to teach and instruct, when your relationship partners demonstrate or admit ignorance of how to solve problems. You find yourself hooked by verbal and non-verbal cues which cry out to you to "help" your relationship partners even though your partners have the competence to solve the problem on their own. You find yourself feeling warmth, caring and nurturing feelings which help you tear down any shred of boundaries you once had. These sad, weak, distraught, lost, confused and befuddled waifs are so needy that you lose all concept of space and time as you begin to give and give and give. It feels so good. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "No one is helpless without first learning the advantages of being helpless. Helplessness is a learned behavior which is used to manipulate me to give of my resources, energy, time, effort and money to fix. I am a good person if I do not try to fix and take care of my relationship partners when my partners are acting helpless. I cannot establish healthy intimate relationships with my relationship partners if I am trying to fix or take care of them all of the time. I need to put more energy into fixing and taking care of myself if I find myself being hooked by my relationship partners' helplessness."
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Old 11-16-2010, 11:41 AM
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No is a complete sentence.

I just can't, is an acceptable reason.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
peace-
B
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Old 11-16-2010, 12:22 PM
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i can relate to you so much. i sometimes feel like having an affair. why? because i still have life left in me. because i am still an attactive, beautiful person with so much love to give and a husband who would rather drink and pass out then make love to his wife. i've only been married for 3 years to this guy and he was once my best friend. maybe deep down i knew it might have been a mistake to marry him because of that but i thought it was a good foundation to start on....boy was i wrong.

but i feel trapped, just like you Sassyea.... and i hate that he makes me eat away my anxiety and anger. and i'm not as angry at him for not changing but more angry at myself for being such a coward and not finding a way to leave. i believe everyone has a fuse...some longer than others. mine must stretch around the world and back.
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Old 11-16-2010, 04:03 PM
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When it's over, it's over...addiction or not. It is not so much the circumstance you are involved in, it's how you handle it.

With that said, if you want out, devise a plan, write it out, tick off every step that you have accomplished...the plan can be a two year plan, it is not a matter of how long it takes to accomplish the plan, it's just a matter of accomplishing the plan.

Do what is best for you and your children.
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Old 11-16-2010, 08:20 PM
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i waited and waited for my A.
I love him still, Ive got it bad.
BUt I have thought some pretty messed up things interms of regret over the years when things were REALLY BAD.
I have regret over a lot, and I have tried to have affairs,LOL...

you post really hit me in the sheer honesty of it. thanks
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Old 11-16-2010, 09:37 PM
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Something that's not been mentioned so far is the "responsibility" thing. Alcoholics are really good at making others responsible for their "recovery." He needs you to help him or he just can't do it. Ah, yes, the perfect way out. When his "recovery" fails, it will then be your fault because you just weren't supportive enough, or not in the right way. So then he will have no choice but to go back to drinking and it will not be his fault at all, but yours. Been there, done that.

L
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Old 11-17-2010, 09:25 AM
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I know that I read here on SR that a poster should only post once and then move on; but I just couldn't help myself! (HEHEHE)

50 Ways To Leave Your Lover Lyrics
Artist:Paul Simon

"The problem is all inside your head", she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself, at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Ooo slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
Don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
Get yourself free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Oh you hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
You just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
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