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My parents pressuring me to stay w/ AH.

Old 11-16-2010, 08:21 AM
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My parents pressuring me to stay w/ AH.

I was unable to mention before that I do not have any money saved to move or to retain a lawyer to get AH to move out. Right now my heart is broken by his blackout on Saturday night which left him in the hospital and me and my children stuck on our sailboat for several hours.

I have asked him to stay in the guest bedroom till I am ready if that day will ever come. I just need my space away from him. I am exhausted from living w/ his disease. I am exhausted from tip toeing around him when he is drunk at night being careful not to argue with him and he want to try again. Making promises that he is unable to keep with this addiction.

My babies have witnessed all of this in the last couple of days and it breaks my heart to imagine what AH's alcoholism and are horrible fights have already done to my 3 yr old and 19 month old. My 3 yr old gets it and cries when we argue. I do not know what it worse the poverty we will live in if I leave or staying because we have a roof and food.

To top it all off my mother wants me to work things out and fight for my marriage. I am to torn, to broken hearted to truly know if I want a divorce. I do know if I had the money if only for 8 weeks I would leave to clear my own head.

I lost my first born to stillbirth five years ago and it was the hardest thing I ever did getting over losing that baby (AH wasn't the father). Now God has given me this to contend with and I am angry at myself for making yet another mistake w/ a man!

The wind has been taken out of my sails and I do not know what to do anymore. Last night I bathed my children and took a bath myself read them a book and just held on to them for dear life while AH was in the guest bedroom and it felt so good to just be w/ my boys.

But everyone including his mother obviously wants me to stay because it is better for the kids. I come from a divorced family and the hard part was seeing my mother stress over money our entire life. It was an absolute nightmare. I do not want to jump from the frying pan directly into the fire.
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Old 11-16-2010, 08:33 AM
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What a tough situation!
Just know that you are being held gently by the SR community. We understand and we are here to support you emotionally.

Deciding to stay or go is deeply personal. Remember that "everyone" who is telling you to stay because it is better for the kids don't know your situation like you do.
Trust yourself and your instincts. Trust you!
I hear you are not getting support from mom and dad. They might not be the best bet to stay with.
If you could get AH out, could you get a roomie to help financially? Could you get a part time job? What are your options?
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Old 11-16-2010, 08:38 AM
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ugh I'm sorry you're in such a tight spot with regards to your AH.

I have to ask: have you looked into an Al-Anon meeting in your area? Some of those meetings are ok with you bringing your kids with you (one place near me had "childcare" i.e. a member's teenage daughter looked after the kids who came in with their parents). If you cannot make it to a face-to-face meeting, I strongly recommend an online meeting. That's what I did when my DD was 12 months of age and AH wouldn't babysit for me. Also, I was sort of chicken about going to F2F so online was a good option.

As for your mother, despite her past experience, she is not the one living your life, day in and day out. I know how hard it is to go against one's parents--I come from a culture where respect for the elders plays a big role, but perhaps this is the time to start to think about what your children are learning about adult interactions by seeing their parents fight, or by seeing one parents constantly blotto.

I wonder what kind of help you could get from social services with regards to leaving. Is it possible for you to consult a social worker where you live? They've been life savers for me in the past... Perhaps you'd be eligible for government sponsored housing...

I know it seems like you're trapped right now, but I'm sure other will be along, and together we can brainstorm some ideas for you. Please feel free to come back and post as much as you like. SR is always open
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Old 11-16-2010, 08:54 AM
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Sassy, I feel your pain and exhaustion coming through. And I understand your fears. I am sorry that your parents and his mother are adding to your pressure.

People here will tell you that you don't have to make any decisions right now, today, unless you are fearful for your physical safety or that of your children, and then it is time to put your safety first.

What I have learned in my experience with an XAH and an XABF is that I will only have peace in the storm if I choose to care for myself first...emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. And my children will only have peace if I am happy and providing a safe, peaceful environment for them to grow up in. They are my gifts and my greatest responsibility.

I have had to make financial sacrifices in order to create a warm, peaceful, happy home for us, but it has been worth every sacrifice. We live paycheck to paycheck, but I have a job, a home, food, clothing, and peace and stability for my girls and myself. The peace is priceless.

I understand how childhood experiences can create fear in us. My mother was a divorced mother of 4 children, ages 7 to 1, with no money and only a partial college education. She went back to school, earned her degree, found employment, and took care of us after my AF left us (and didn't provide one dime of support.) It was hard, and we had no extras, ever, but God always provided a roof, clothing, and food. I learned a lot from her. It can be done. You can do anything you want to do.

Al-Anon can help you to see and understand the choices you have for yourself. Codependent No More is a great book full of wisdom and reassurance that you are not alone in your experience. Others have travelled your path, and have come through it with great joy and peace in their lives. Keep sharing with us. There are so many people here who can offer support and guidance. Hugs and prayers, Sassy. And hugs to your precious little boys.
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Old 11-16-2010, 09:15 AM
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Originally Posted by sassyea View Post
I was unable to mention before that I do not have any money saved to move or to retain a lawyer to get AH to move out.

I do not know what it worse the poverty we will live in if I leave or staying because we have a roof and food.

I come from a divorced family and the hard part was seeing my mother stress over money our entire life. It was an absolute nightmare. .

I didn't notice the word "love" in your post.

I think you explained why you are staying. (see quotes)

Please think of your kids...it's far better to have one sane and happy parent than two miserable ones.

Maybe a therapist or al-anon?

good luck!
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Old 11-16-2010, 09:28 AM
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Ignore everybody but yourself and your children...

...when making this decision. Whatever your parent's agenda is, legit or not, it is irrelevant in this scenario. You and your babies are all that matters. The most important thing of all, in my opinion, is for you to begin Al-Anon meetings as soon as possible.

If you don't go to Ala-non your life will not get better. I believe that in the core of my being. That is where your help is located, but you have to go get it. It's like the old joke about the man on the roof of his house during a flood. A boat comes by to save him and he says, no, God will save him. Then, a helicopter comes by to get him and he says, no, God will save him. Then his house washes away and he drowns. He gets to the pearly gates and asks, "why didn't God save me?" Paul says, "what do you mean? We sent a boat and a helicopter!"

Al-Anon is the boat. Get on. Al-Anon is the helicopter. Get on.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak






Originally Posted by sassyea View Post
I was unable to mention before that I do not have any money saved to move or to retain a lawyer to get AH to move out. Right now my heart is broken by his blackout on Saturday night which left him in the hospital and me and my children stuck on our sailboat for several hours.

I have asked him to stay in the guest bedroom till I am ready if that day will ever come. I just need my space away from him. I am exhausted from living w/ his disease. I am exhausted from tip toeing around him when he is drunk at night being careful not to argue with him and he want to try again. Making promises that he is unable to keep with this addiction.

My babies have witnessed all of this in the last couple of days and it breaks my heart to imagine what AH's alcoholism and are horrible fights have already done to my 3 yr old and 19 month old. My 3 yr old gets it and cries when we argue. I do not know what it worse the poverty we will live in if I leave or staying because we have a roof and food.

To top it all off my mother wants me to work things out and fight for my marriage. I am to torn, to broken hearted to truly know if I want a divorce. I do know if I had the money if only for 8 weeks I would leave to clear my own head.

I lost my first born to stillbirth five years ago and it was the hardest thing I ever did getting over losing that baby (AH wasn't the father). Now God has given me this to contend with and I am angry at myself for making yet another mistake w/ a man!

The wind has been taken out of my sails and I do not know what to do anymore. Last night I bathed my children and took a bath myself read them a book and just held on to them for dear life while AH was in the guest bedroom and it felt so good to just be w/ my boys.

But everyone including his mother obviously wants me to stay because it is better for the kids. I come from a divorced family and the hard part was seeing my mother stress over money our entire life. It was an absolute nightmare. I do not want to jump from the frying pan directly into the fire.
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