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Old 11-15-2010, 12:15 PM
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Need Help

I am currently dating an alcoholic .. he was in rehab a year before we met .. after coming home from rehab he decided he could drink and everyone around him accepted it .. by the time i met him a little over a year ago he was drinking to the point where on weekends hed pass out by noon, his brother was ready to kick him out of his house. We started dating and I found hidden bottles in his room. I confronted him and the drinking decreased for a few months.

So every few months he would have a really bad weekend where he would drink and sometimes drug to much .. causing fights with his family and myself. This started to increase to every few weeks. And 2 weeks ago was horrible. He said he would stop drinking and he hasnt in 3 weeks. However he will not go to a group for help or a psychiatrist. He has a past history of rapid cycling bipolar and was on meds for a few months before he decided to stop the meds. He refuses to go on meds again.

Right now he has turned to working out and running all of the time. He becomes obsessive with working out when he stops drinking.

I have seen him stop for a few weeks and slowly progress back and now i am on edge waiting for him to relapse again.

I am 25. I love him and we've been dating for a little over a year. I want to be there for him but a part of me that i feel guilty for doesnt want this to be my life or any future children that i may haves life.

im scared that the fact that he wont get help or accept help that he will relapse
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Old 11-15-2010, 12:44 PM
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Hi lady, and welcome to SR.

You will find lots of information and support here among friends.

He's been through rehab, so he has the tools to seek and maintain recovery.

He's chosen not to do that. His dry spell are just that...dry. That's abstinence, not recovery.

Factor in the mental health issues, and his refusal to take the meds for the rapid cycling bipolar, and you are looking at a freight train out of control.

There are three C's to remember:
You didn't cause his alcoholism.
You can't control his alcoholism.
You can't cure his alcoholism.

Please check into Alanon meetings in your area for face-to-face support among those who understand.

Get the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye-opener for me. "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is another good one.

Alcoholism is progressive-it only gets worse, never better, if left untreated.

That part of you that doesn't want this life is trying to tell you something.

Again, welcome to SR, and you are among friends.
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Old 11-15-2010, 01:09 PM
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Hi there and WELCOME to SR. I'm glad you found this place. There's a lot of support to be had here, 24/7.

I strongly suggest you find yourself some Al-Anon meetings as well as individual counselling. Being partnered with an alcoholic/addict is one heck of a rollercoaster; you really need support to get through this.

I second the recommendation of Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More". It really helped me understand why I kept dating the SAME type of guy over and over, and why all my "friends" kept walking all over me.

And finally, I have to ask, what do you love about this man and is that "enough" to keep a relationship/a future going if he's not in any kind of recovery program?

I hope you keep reading and posting as much as you like! SR is always open.
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Old 11-15-2010, 01:15 PM
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Old 11-15-2010, 01:18 PM
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Previous two posters had such great advice. I'll ditto that and just add one comment.

Originally Posted by lady2424 View Post
part of me that i feel guilty for doesn't want this to be my life or any future children that i may haves life.
This is not something to feel guilty over. This is the little voice inside that has your best interests at heart. This is the voice that takes care of *you*. Don't ever discount it.

And welcome to the group. The stickies at the top were so helpful to me when I first came here so you might want to look at those.
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Old 11-15-2010, 01:34 PM
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Welcome, Lady. I'm glad you've found SR. You'll find a lot of experience, strength, and hope (ES&H) here.

It's okay and natural to be concerned about your future with an alcoholic. That's nothing to feel guilty about. It would be more alarming if you weren't concerned for yourself or any children that could come out of this relationship.

It's also okay and healthy to be concerned for your own welfare. I have learned in my experience with an XAH and XABF that I can't expect anyone else to be responsible for my happiness. As long as I am taking care of myself, honoring and respecting myself, then the peace and happiness follow naturally. It hasn't been an easy road, but once I started looking inward to resolve my own issues, I was able to see why I was choosing A's to be the men in my life. It has taken a lot of reading, counseling, prayer, and support from friends, family, and people like those at SR to help me find my way.

I second the Al-Anon and Codependent No More suggestions. They are great places to start.

Hope you stick around! Hugs to you.
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Old 11-15-2010, 01:41 PM
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Please listen to Freedom1990...

...this advice can be your salvation and the beginning of a very rewarding life for you. If you were my daughter, and you easily could be, I'd be praying right now that you listen to Freedom 1990, and that you go to an Al-Anon meeting, six diffferent meetings until you decide if it will work for you.

Please keep an open mind, realize you are not alone in your situation, and know that there is a solution for you if you take the focus off of him and put it on yourself. My first question I always ask of myself is what is it about me that makes me attracted to alcoholics, drug addicts, and needy people? The second question I ask myself is, Why am I not attracted to healthy people?

Take care. My thoughts are with you.

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Hi lady, and welcome to SR.

You will find lots of information and support here among friends.

He's been through rehab, so he has the tools to seek and maintain recovery.

He's chosen not to do that. His dry spell are just that...dry. That's abstinence, not recovery.

Factor in the mental health issues, and his refusal to take the meds for the rapid cycling bipolar, and you are looking at a freight train out of control.

There are three C's to remember:
You didn't cause his alcoholism.
You can't control his alcoholism.
You can't cure his alcoholism.

Please check into Alanon meetings in your area for face-to-face support among those who understand.

Get the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye-opener for me. "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is another good one.

Alcoholism is progressive-it only gets worse, never better, if left untreated.

That part of you that doesn't want this life is trying to tell you something.

Again, welcome to SR, and you are among friends.
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Old 11-15-2010, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
My first question I always ask of myself is what is it about me that makes me attracted to alcoholics, drug addicts, and needy people? The second question I ask myself is, Why am I not attracted to healthy people?
These two questions are excellent, and bear repeating again in this thread.
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Old 11-15-2010, 03:00 PM
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Well now, let me get this straight! You feel guilty for NOT wanting to spend the rest of your life with your bipolar obsessive compulsive alcoholic boyfriend that will not go to a group for help or a psychiatrist, and refuses to take medications for help. I know that you didn't mention obsessive compulsive disorder; however, you did write "Right now he has turned to working out and running all of the time. He becomes obsessive with working out when he stops drinking."

I, unfortunately, have experienced the downward spiral of mistrust and resentment as once healthy and mutually supportive relationships begin to corrode under the toxic effects of the addictive process. Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances. The insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress. Addicts protect themselves by lies, distortions and evasions. Addictions interfer in any normal ongoing personal relationships. As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self, his addiction will become his primary relationship to the detriment of all others.

The addict's obsession-driven private reality prevents him from being able to hear and listen to anything that would if acknowledged pose a threat to the continuance of his addiction. At this stage of addiction the addict is in fact functionally insane. In this stage of addiction most people are quickly aware that they are dealing with someone not in their right mind - but in the case of the equally or at times even more insane addict, thinking that is in fact delusional may be and commonly is misattributed to potentially remediable voluntary choices and moral decisions, resulting in still more confusion and muddying of the already turbulent waters around the addict and his addiction.

"Denying reality doesn't make it go away, it only prolongs the suffering."

Thank God for small miracles! Thank God you are only 25 years old! Thank God you are NOT married! Thank God you have no children with your boyfriend! Thank God for Recovery Programs! Thank God for SR!

Keep posting! It works......If you work it!

*******************************:ghug3************* *****************
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Old 11-18-2010, 06:16 AM
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Thank you

Thank you all for the support. Part of me is in denial and hopes that he will stay sober this time, but the more rational side of me knows that with out help he will continue in this cycle. Hearing from all of you is helping to open my eyes and realize that him refusing to get help for his drinking and for his mental health is part of the addiction and the reason that he will not stay sober this time. I know that I need to put myself first it is just hard to get the courage to do so. It is so helpful to hear from people that have experienced this and know how I feel, i've felt so alone this past year. I know that I can not change him and I dont cause the addiction but what if I do decide to leave and that sets him off and he starts drinking and drugging again? Im scared because I know inside he has the potential to be such a wonderful person and he is I just wish he would realize that and want to get help.
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Old 11-18-2010, 07:19 AM
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Originally Posted by lady2424 View Post
what if I do decide to leave and that sets him off and he starts drinking and drugging again?
If he's anything like me, he'll relish your leaving as an excuse to go on a major binge...then blame you!

Believe me, drunks and addicts don't need a reason to drink or drug...but if one is handed to us, we'll embrace it.
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Old 11-18-2010, 07:41 AM
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Believe me, drunks and addicts don't need a reason to drink or drug...but if one is handed to us, we'll embrace it.
No, I never needed a reason to drink or smoke. I just gave myself permission for whatever reason came up, say.....it's Thursday.
No reason needed, alcoholics drink. We drink because we are alcoholics.
Beth
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Old 11-18-2010, 08:21 AM
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He will blame you for everything whether you stay or go.

This person is on a losing trajectory.
You are probably not on a losing trajectory.
I hitched my wagon to an alcoholic, who is now sober for 5 weeks.

It is still like dealing with a child, and the problems do not just go away if they stop drinking.

He will drink if he needs to or wants to whether you stay or go. And he will blame you if he drinks whether you stay or go. He will blame everything but alcohol, and everyone but himself.
If you leave, he may get help, if you stay he may. If you leave he may not get help, if you stay he may not get help...

Take care of yourself. You know what you need to do. Try to listen to the voice that brought you here to seek help.
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Old 11-18-2010, 08:22 AM
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First off, welcome!!

Part of me is in denial
Well, yah! LOL! We all go into denial to deal with the crazy train of living and loving an alcoholic. Give yourself a break here. Its a normal human coping mechanism.
The great thing is, you being here exhibits you are moving to the next stage of awareness (which means you are stepping out of denial! woo hoo!)

We all wrestle with our intellect:
I know that I can not change him
And the other, younger, frightened and emotional sides of ourselves:
but what if I do decide to leave and that sets him off and he starts drinking and drugging again?

They can even contradict one another. I do this all the time!

What I do when I catch that frightened girl popping up, is to imagine her as a younger part of myself. She is a little kid and can't use her intellect the way I can as an adult. That's why the rational understanding that you can't change him makes NO difference. She can't hear it.

I imagine calling her over to me and telling her, "You can't control him. You can't help or save him. He's an adult. He is competent to take care of himself. It is respectful to treat him like an adult. If he chooses to hurt himself with drink or otherwise, he can do that. Let that go (mentally) because it is going to take all our focus over here for us to heal ourselves.
Just as he is addicted to alcohol, "we" are addicted to him. We have our own work to do to stop trying to fix/help/control/rescue/assist others."


Im scared because I know inside he has the potential to be such a wonderful person and he is I just wish he would realize that and want to get help.

You are a sweet person. We all (every one of us) see the potential of our mates. That's why we picked them. I love my AH dearly. He is fabulous (when he's not drinking, hiding it from me, lying about it, and freaking out that I am implying he has a problem). Unfortunately, us wanting them to "get it" and realize anything is us trying to control them (even if its for good!).
Run to the library or bookstore and pick up a copy of Melody Beattie's Codependent No More and you'll see she writes directly to your feelings (and mine!)

Again, welcome. Stick around and keep reading!!
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Old 11-18-2010, 12:11 PM
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Originally Posted by lady2424 View Post
but what if I do decide to leave and that sets him off and he starts drinking and drugging again?
You do not have to carry this burden. I know that it's common for alcoholics to pin their recovery or their drunkeness on their partner, but you do not have to accept this responsibility. He's going to get drunk if you leave him, if work is hard one day, if it rains, if it doesn't...there's always a reason. You simply do not control or are not the cause of his addiction. Staying with him to prevent further drunkeness isn't a life you want to live...

Originally Posted by lady2424 View Post
Im scared because I know inside he has the potential to be such a wonderful person and he is I just wish he would realize that and want to get help.
Ah yes, their potential. A lot of people, myself included, stay with someone because of "what they COULD be". There's an awesome post in the Classic Reading stickies about that.

About their potential

Do you love and accept your BF, as he is TODAY, wholly and completely? Because that is the only person he's willing to be right now.

I hope you keep coming back and posting all you want!
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Old 11-18-2010, 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted by FindingPeace1 View Post
You are a sweet person. We all (every one of us) see the potential of our mates. That's why we picked them. I love my AH dearly. He is fabulous (when he's not drinking, hiding it from me, lying about it, and freaking out that I am implying he has a problem). Unfortunately, us wanting them to "get it" and realize anything is us trying to control them (even if its for good!).
And I would add to that:
Unfortunately, us wanting them to 'get it' and realize anything is us trying to control them (even if its for good!), and it DOESN'T WORK!!! I've tried for three years- many of these lovely folks on this forum have tried for 3, 5, 10, 20 years to convince their A's that they need to acknowledge and deal with their problems and it SIMPLY DOESN'T WORK. The A has to come to that conclusion on his/her own. Do you want to wait around for your BF to finally realize that he's got a problem?

While all of the folks here on F&F have incredibly useful suggestions/thoughts/idea, etc., I think you would really benefit from reading some of NoAlcoholToday's posts- really, really eye-opening, honest stuff.

Listen to your inner voice! And keep reading and posting!! These folks are lifesavers!

Good luck, hon!

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