Weekly update- I would be delighted if you comment!
This bears repeating. It was definitely true in my case. He knew which screws to turn and when things got critical, he didn't hold back. He actually admitted it at one point and that also helped me think of things a little differently. They aren't always quite as helpless and wounded as we have envisioned. They are adults.........looking out for themselves. We better do the same.
I eventually got really really ticked off and I think that helped too. In the end I had to accept that my xah was just not going to understand but I couldn't be held hostage by that.
Yeah, this too. I had to get mad about him (my ex) using tears and emotions to hold me to him. What kind of relationship is that? The Stockholm Syndrome?
Anyone here old enough to remember that raise your hand!
LOL
I think I read it here, alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.
as a recovering alcoholic, i can tell you i used emotional blackmail whenever i felt it necessary to keep the sick status quo.
maybe i was projecting a little craven in my last post.
i will try to stick to "I" statements.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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I've got to calm down, right!! I know. ABF and I are having 'a talk' tonight and I am so nervous. I just want to get it over with!
Establish your boundary, once, and then walk away. There will be bluster, denial, accusations, etc. If he needs more detail, you can simply state that you won't even consider reconciliation until he's had a year of recovery. Then you step faaaaaaar away from the alkie, and "let go and let God".
Thank you, noday, your responses have helped tremendously!! :ghug3
There will always be someone who will be made unhappy by my actions, and usually it's someone close to home. I choose to accept that I'll be someone's Bad Guy in the pursuit of my own happiness, and I'm totally ok with that.
I sense that you're on the road to that place right now.
(and perhaps to reinforce your resolve, you can ask yourself if your ABF ever agonized this much over causing you so much heartache as he drank his booze down)
You may feel as though you "owe" him an explanation, but in truth, this is a burden you have placed on yourself. You don't have to bear it.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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It is the insanity of having to say the same thing over and over again that is stressing me out!!
The great thing is you don't have to.
If you are saying it more than once or twice, you are saying it for you, not for him. He doesn't want to.
I totally totally get where you are coming from.
I wish wish wish my AH would accept himself and his flaws so we could move along.
I wish he could be honest.
I wish he could be vulnerable.
But, he can't right now and may never and all my wishing is giving me and him stress.
The most loving thing I can do is accept what I need is not what he wants to give and to move along.
peace
The great thing is you don't have to.
If you are saying it more than once or twice, you are saying it for you, not for him. He doesn't want to.
I totally totally get where you are coming from.
I wish wish wish my AH would accept himself and his flaws so we could move along.
I wish he could be honest.
I wish he could be vulnerable.
But, he can't right now and may never and all my wishing is giving me and him stress.
The most loving thing I can do is accept what I need is not what he wants to give and to move along.
peace
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 89
I never thought about it that way!
This is so humbling. Thanks for helping me shift my perspective to a more healthy place!!
It is the insanity of having to say the same thing over and over again that is stressing me out!!
Now, as an alcoholic, I drank to stop the pain and depression, I did it over and over expecting something else to happen besides pain and depression.
It was only after I stopped drinking that my medication could start working on my depression and I could deal with the pain.
Also, as a codependent, I talked and talked and talked, waiting for the exact right phrase to come to me to get my ex husband to quit using.
Yelled, screamed, cried, pouted, ignored, anything but deal with my problems with his drinking.
Once I started taking care of myself, everything else fell into place.
This makes so much sense to me!! But, theuncertainty, how do imagine you will finally, officially, break up? If STBXA is, like mine, unable to really hear me b/c of his addiction, then how do you make it clear to them that you are breaking up? It seems utterly dreadful to have to explain why I want to break up to a 41 YEAR OLD PERSON!!
It makes complete sense.
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But, I(we) know that he has to do the looking, not me(us)!!
So simple and beautiful. And true!!
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We are doing good today but it truly is one day at a time. And, it is difficult for me to admit this, but if we did not have our daughter I'm certain I would have been long gone. My love for her wasn't enough to make me stay. My love for her and my daughter was-- I literally couldn't leave when every fiber of my being was saying run, run!
Stay in my business, right?
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I cannot and will not be in a relationship with someone who is actively drinking or not in an on-going recovery program of some kind. The choice of whether or not to drink is, of course, entirely yours to make; however, I'm just letting you know what I can and cannot accept for my own life.
It is what it is
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Where you are in this relationship is not easy. Yes this talk/boundary setting could help him to seek recovery. Or it won't. So in the meantime, just figure out what you need and keep the focus on you. Do not try to manipulate threaten or suggest anything to the all knowing Gods (As) because they have it all figured out already. They will all come around in their own time or not. Some sooner than others. I did learn one thing when I set my boundary. He did seek recovery. He felt backed into a corner although I didn't back him up there. He did it to keep his daughter. I don't care what the reason was, a sober father has to be better than an active one. However, in the end, take the alcohol out of the *sshole and you have a sober *sshole. At least that was my experience.
I hope your meeting goes well. And what I mean by well is that you walk away feeling empowered and good about yourself. Whatever the outcome, it will be the right one. If it doesn't go well, meaning you go back to some of your old habits and patterns which are hard to break, it's okay too. This is a learning process, baby steps. Everything is a lesson and we will be presented with them over and over until we get it right. I am getting better with lots of practice.
Peace
Jen
I hope your meeting goes well. And what I mean by well is that you walk away feeling empowered and good about yourself. Whatever the outcome, it will be the right one. If it doesn't go well, meaning you go back to some of your old habits and patterns which are hard to break, it's okay too. This is a learning process, baby steps. Everything is a lesson and we will be presented with them over and over until we get it right. I am getting better with lots of practice.
Peace
Jen
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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Oh do I so (think I) know where you are right now Craven. It is so very difficult to take care of your SELF and your OWN needs when you are so worried that doing so will hurt someone else! The only way I have managed to do it is in ANGER in response to something they do. I wish I could say I am more advanced than this but honestly, I'm not. For me it boils down to survival: It becomes something between ME and THEM, LIFE or DEATH. It's like I AM the frog-in-the-pot but I have to find a way to SAVE MYSELF. And anger is what does it for me. And JUDGMENT of them keeps me out. Not sure how other people have done it.
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