why am I surprised ?
 

Dear SR friends.

So STBXAH is out of rehab nr 15 and for secondary treatment he has moved in with the OW. He met OW 2 years ago in rehab (she is recovering to my knowledge). Apparently she has good influence on him and calms him.They are apparently getting married as soon as we are divorced.

He wanted us to reconcile plenty of times and of course said that OW means nothing and he loves only me. Thanks to especially this forum I kept on saying no to reconcilliation as I could not be with someone that could literally replace me in a month. He met her in rehab a month after our trial separation - when I asked for a year of sobriety before we reconcile- and since then he "loved" both of us. LOL

So STILL after all my recovery work this upsets me. I just keep on reminding myself that this uncomfortable feeling shall pass. She is good for HIM. She calms HIM. She has good influence on HIM. Even thinking about the full time job it was for me to be those things for him - and realising I was getting lies and manipulation in return tires me.

What amazes me the most is that the whole world hears how much he loves our three children, but he NEVER asks about them. He does not contact them ever and now that he stays in Cape Town with the OW he never visits. I will never get it. Ever!

Thanx for listening to me going on. This week we will be married for 23 years. As he owes his lawyer too much money ,the lawyer is waiting for money to finalise the divorce. I will be making other plans to hurry it up a little. :gaah

Hi freefalling !! you deserve much more than this, hopefully this will be over soon.

He did not "replace" you, his addiction needs enablers, that's all.

You cannot be replaced and the world would be less if you were not around. I know you already know this but wanted to mention it out loud :)


Getting someone else right away is common MO for alkies I gather, and for normies as well, at least in my view. My opinion is that people that do that are emotionally weak and unconsciously are still looking for Mom or Dad; not a real equal partner.

Someone healthier can be alone for great lengths of time, is independent and has gone beyond that stage. It is very sad, in the end. Life always shows you your lessons and there is no one else ever,that will "fix" someone else.


Goods news is that there is a life huge of blessings for you.

Hugs from Mexico
Tc999

The OW in my marriage finally became a blessing for me. She was the one who had to deal with his late night drunken diatribes, his need for control, his need to have his ego stroked constantly. Her presence meant that I could kill all hope of reconcilliation (infidelity is mydealbreaker) in my head and he was so caught up with her that No Contact was easier to maintain during the seperation and sale of our house - though when he did break it he really tried to get under my skin and hurt me.

Now he doesn't have my phone number and doesn't know where I live he can't spill out his venom on me. She has helped keep me safe from him and I am now grateful she came along!

I hope that someday soon you will realise that an OW, even though the betrayal is incredibly painful, can actually help you move on. It took me time to realise how she was a help and counselling helped me deal with the pain - it didn't happen over night.

Take care of yourself. How they are together isn't a reflection on you. You being with him didn't make you happy. And after all, that is what really matters - finding YOUR happiness.
:ghug3

Thanx for the replies. I can see how this OW can help me to keep to no contact. After the initial shock I am getting calmer and finally it is clear to me that my marriage is really really over!

Than you for you kind answers.

freefalling,

I read your post and felt such sadness, and at the same time, such empowerment from you. I can see that you're working so hard to see through to the "real" process, even though it hurts.

One of the things I've more fully realized since going no contact with my exA (we broke up 7 months ago) is that "taking things personally" is is completely inaccurate when it comes to addicts and narcissists (a group with a number of commonalities, in my opinion). I like what TC said about addicts needing enablers...that sums it up beautifully. It can never, ever, EVER be about anyone other than the addict/narcissist when you're in a relationship with them.

I've been good at attracting (and being attracted to) both types. Interestingly, while I've been alone and attending 2-3 Alanon meetings a week I've stopped being so attracted to that. In fact, I'm getting better at seeing the person for who they are much more quickly--I am less and less "surprised" all the time. My little kid inside, who desperately wanted to be noticed and taken care of, is doing very well under the protective wing of my adult self. I am still attempting to co-parent with a man that I believe to be somewhat narcissistic, but I'm getting so much better at dealing with his "stuff" in our interactions.

Believe me, your exH's actions have NOTHING to do with you. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. You will stop being surprised by his insanity someday--just keep putting one foot in front of the other. From this side of the equation the view is FANTASTIC, and full of hope for a happy future.

Hugs,
posie

I'd be careful about generalizations like that.

He's a non-present father to his children, and for me, that speaks volumes.

I agree. Nothing changes when nothing changes. It is not about me, children or OW - but all about him still...

it took me many years and tons of heartaches to finally come to grips that i was married to an addiction, not a man. and i could not help his addiction in any way. tho i tried until it nearly killed me.

my heart hurt, actually hurt, hurt, hurt with such a pain in my chest i thought i would surely just die.

i went through hell until i "got it" and moved on with my life. well, at least what i had left of my life after i let him play with it.

i'm sorry you are suffering from the effects of alcoholism and my prayers are that you may find peace, serenity, and fall in love......with yourself.

you can find my story my clicking on my icon.....you may find something useful there.

i lived through the frantics, the panics, the abuse, the confusion, the hopes, the disbeliefs, the love lost, the zero-ness of my own existance, through the pages of this forum.

this forum was a lifeline for me, and i don't know what i would have done without having 24 hour access to help on here.

jeri