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Old 11-12-2010, 05:14 PM
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Newcomer Here

I've been lurking around this site for so long that I feel like I know so many of you! I've come here nearly daily for years; and I cannot begin to express the gratitude I feel toward so many of you.

I feel such affinity and a deep emotional understanding and empathy towards those experiencing such deep sorrow, torment, despair and suffering - I am here with you.

I also often receive such encouragement from the words I read. The insight I've gained; the thoughts which have been provoked; the ingenious resources; the brilliant revelations; the powerful inspiration; the shared sensitivity...I could go on and on. And let me not forget the non-delusional perceptions, which are more refreshing than I can express.

I'm sure there are many, many more like me...listening...learning...accepting...heeding... considering...being guided by...taking your words to heart, and just absorbing and taking it all in. What lifesavers you have been. Thus I take the liberty, on behalf of all of the lurkers out here in cyberland, to express our sincere, heartfelt THANK YOU!!! Your words and wisdom mean more than I can ever say.
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Old 11-12-2010, 05:38 PM
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Hi MisChievous! Thanks for finally posting!
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Old 11-12-2010, 10:16 PM
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Consider yourself officially de-lurked. So happy to finally hear from you. I can't wait to get to know you. Would you like to share your story?
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Old 11-13-2010, 05:10 AM
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Hi Misschievous!! thanks a lot for posting!! come here join the group support, ESH, and OT threads I am glad you decided to finally post !! hope you are doing well.
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Old 11-13-2010, 05:20 AM
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well, now that you've broken the ice, jump in anytime you want.

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Old 11-13-2010, 05:22 AM
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Thanks for the introduction! Welcome!
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Old 11-13-2010, 11:06 AM
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Old 11-13-2010, 11:10 AM
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It's often easy to forget that for every poster on here, there are many more who are lurking and reading.

Your post touched my heart. Thank you so much.
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Old 11-13-2010, 11:15 AM
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Welcome to SR. I'm sure most of us are anxiously awaiting to get to know you. We're all here for help and to help eachother. I can totally relate to you as far as getting a lot of knowledge from SR, cuz i have. I see my story all the time and I've learned quite a bit about myself in coming here. Looking forward in hearing more from you, thanks for joining us and posting.
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Old 11-13-2010, 03:58 PM
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Thank you for all your kind replies!

To introduce myself, I'll share my story in a nutshell - I'm a 54 year old woman who has been married for 35 years. My husband and I were social drinkers for 25 years or so. In the last decade, his social drinking has developed into alcoholism. Due to the fact that I know the difference and it hasn't always been this way, I'm having a really difficult time in accepting it. And an even harder time living with it!

I never drink anymore; I'm sure it's a psychological issue. I used to enjoy it, when we were out at a social event or whatever, but now it literally gags me. So it's another (in a long line) of issues which I have a lot of anger about...he's ruined it for me.

He's finally accepted the fact that he is, in fact, an alcoholic...it took a long time for him to admit it. But he has no plans to do anything about it; as he likes himself when he's loaded. He tells me that I need to accept him for who he is. I tell him no, HE needs to accept himself for who he is...who he TRULY is - the man I fell in love with and lived with for 25 years, not the one who hides behind his booze.

I've nearly given up a gazillion times, but when he's straight it's so good and we have such a good time together...for he is my best friend. And we do still have lots of good times. But I know it's progressive...that's the saddest and scariest part of all.

It's just such a roller-coaster. And never knowing which husband is going to show up on a daily basis is difficult. When it's the "wrong" one, I just isolate myself and try to keep away from him. I've learned (the hard way) to not attempt any sort of discussion or conversation with him when he's been drinking.

I have, of course, become such a codie. (And yes, I have read Melody Beattie's books!) I've set boundaries. I've learned how to detach (had huge difficulties with that). I've been to Al-Anon, off and on, throughout the years...the last time I went (a couple of months ago) everyone at the meeting (including myself) spent the whole session in tears, as one of the long-term members had killed herself the evening before...it was shattering, and I haven't made it back since. But I will.

Of course there's much more to it all, and I will share as I make my way along.

So I live my life...one day at a time...and come to SR for my daily inspiration.

Thank you again, everyone.

XXOO
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Old 11-13-2010, 05:14 PM
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welcome! and no matter what, keep coming back to us for support, care, and understanding. for truly, we understand like no others can.

i was one that tried to take my own life. my problems with my ex alcoholic husband simply became much larger than my own coping skills.

and i am not a person that one would ever expect to do such a thing.

but for the grace of god, i would not be here today. i guess he figured my work on this world simply wasn't done. god had my back that night. there is no logical reason i should be alive.....it was a miracle that i made it through what i did that night.

so please, please, keep coming here......it can be a lifeline when you need it.

much love going out to you
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Old 11-13-2010, 05:28 PM
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Nice to meet you, just wish it were under better circumstances.

Keep posting, keep sharing, it will help us all.
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Old 11-13-2010, 05:34 PM
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he likes himself when he's loaded. He tells me that I need to accept him for who he is. I tell him no, HE needs to accept himself for who he is...
perhaps he has a point, no?

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Old 11-13-2010, 06:51 PM
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I hear ya, Naive.

It's my favorite coping/uncoping mechanism kicking in: denial.

But I also think I have a point: he wants me to accept who he is when he's loaded; except - who he is when he's loaded isn't him! It's the saturated-brain-cell him, but not the him when he's unsaturated! If he could accept himself, the way he is, then I don't think he would have to drink: it's because he CAN'T accept the real him that he drinks...do you know what I mean?!?!?
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Old 11-13-2010, 06:57 PM
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I have many times heard people say, "He drinks so much because he can't stand himself." Now I'm not saying that I speak for everyone, but that never made any sense to me. I never drank because of how I felt or didn't feel about myself. I drank because I liked the feeling of being drunk! And it felt good to be drunk and be wild, whoopdee!!! (I don't like the feeling any more).
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Old 11-14-2010, 02:47 AM
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I'm a little confused. If the man he is when sober is so wonderful, why would he try and hide from himself behind drink? Doesn't really make a lot of sense to me now, but this was something I would say to XAH on a regular basis.

I know you're a long time lurker - have you read http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...otential.html? I think your husband does have a point. You're not accepting that he is an alcoholic, that the alcohol soaked part of him is as much him as the sober part.

You're both at a stalemate and nothing is going to change till someone does something different. He says he is happy as he is and you seem well aware you're in denail about his alcoholism and neither of you are willing to make a change.

Have you read Under the Influence? This book, along with Codependenet No More, really shook up my perception of myself and my XAH and, finally, things did change. "Nothing changes if nothing changes" became my mantra. My life at that point had become so miserable that I needed to do something. I feel that I didn't 'give up' on my marriage but I did give up on being a miserable codependent. I got serious about MY recovery.

Finally, welcome and thanks for coming out of the shadows!!

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