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follow up; finding out what happened

Old 11-11-2010, 05:47 PM
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follow up; finding out what happened

I posted my story a few weeks ago and the love support and feedback I got as well as reading others stories have been more comforting an helpful than I can begin to explain. I am in such a completely different place than I was from my original post. I am still having intermittent feelings if hurt and confusion but I have become stronger for my experiences and been taking steps toward my future and living less in the past.

Since my original post my ABF has been released from jail. I received this information second hand.....he did not contact me. A few days later the cable was turned off that was in his name. It seemed pretty clear he must be finished w me. It was a nice twist to the knife that was already in my heart. The next night he showed up w the cops to pick up his things. My heart sunk but at least I was not living with the unknown anymore. We were civil and I helped him with his things as he told me he didn't wanna do this and he loved me and asked for a hug. There wasn't much more conversation he finished packing and left. It broke my heart but I accepted that it was really over and that was that.

The next day he called from work(he got his job back) and was hysterical crying. He didn't want to do that,he was ordered from my house by the judge, he loved me so much, he missed me and my kids, he was empty with out us, he couldn't believe he lost us, he had gotten my letter and kept it with him all the time .....blah. He said the pain had gotten great enough and he was sober and back in AA.

REALLY!!!! I have such mixed feelings. I have gotten 2 phone calls like this. He has no phone so contact is minimal but I am feeling more anger than anything. I feel like he is still trying to manipulate me. I could be wrong but his actions and words are not matching up.

He got my letter which stated I was sorry, I loved him, and I hoped he got better and came home....it was very clear. I know he was in jail but I had made sure he had $ on his books but he did not respond to me or make any attempt to get any kind of message to me good or bad. He loves n missed us so much but made no attempt to contact me to let me know he was out and ok. No calls before he turned our cable off or showed up w police. And now these heartfelt expressions of love. Is it me or does it not make any sense?

I continue to moveviewerd but I of course still love him. I am afraid he is still trying to manipulate me and if I see him will get sucked back into the insanity. But what does he have to gain? And why would he cause more damage and pain. So far I am staying strong abut I am so confused. Any thoughts?
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Old 11-11-2010, 06:09 PM
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He loves n missed us so much but made no attempt to contact me to let me know he was out and ok. No calls before he turned our cable off or showed up w police. And now these heartfelt expressions of love. Is it me or does it not make any sense?
No, it makes no sense to me, and it seems he can turn it on and off very easily.
confusion is a sign to me to back off and get a better view.
wait for actions, so far they suck for you.
words mean nothing.
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Old 11-11-2010, 06:14 PM
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Lookin4Hope honey I am so sorry. Your post tears me up because I have been there too and I remember... And I know how very confusing this is.

Lots of people will say these are lies and manipulations. They may be. Or they may be true representations of how he feels. You and I cannot know; only HE can know. He may be sincere but first, doesn't what he is saying and his seeming desperation look unhealthy to you? If it were your close girlfriend telling you she is this way about some guy, would you encourage her to continue this way?

And second, can you see that even IF his words are true and sincere, that he is not capable of maintaining any semblance of a healthy relationship with ANYONE, including himself right now? Can you see that he really needs to help himself?

All of tHis is what I had to go thru recently. I loved the person truly and knew that the best thing for him was for me to stop enabling him and doing for him. It was hard and I literally cried like a baby but I had to let him go to give him the chance to find his own dignity.


The last time
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Old 11-11-2010, 06:15 PM
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Think about your children...

...then think about yourself. His actions tell you everything you need to know. His words are meaningless-- anybody can say them. I'll say them right now: "You are the only woman for me, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again. I've hit bottom! I've really learned my lesson. I'm sober and back in AA! Forgive me! I love you. I'm nothing without you! You make me a better man!" See. I don't even know you. Words are easy to say.

Actions are everything. Words are nothing. Bottom line-- he wants his enabler back so he can go back to doing what he did before. I guarantee you he'll find another one if you refuse the job. The question is, are you going to take the job again, or will you let somebody else do it this time?

If you did not love him is there any scenario in which he is healthy for your children or healthy for you? Do you let him babysit if you don't love him. Do you choose to date a man like him knowing what you know?

Be strong. Protect your children. Protect yourself. Go to Al-Anon. A lot.

I say this as a man tired of seeing children hurt because their parents, like me, were too weak to make the right decisions.

Your questions are your answers.

Cyranoak


Originally Posted by lookin4hope View Post
I posted my story a few weeks ago and the love support and feedback I got as well as reading others stories have been more comforting an helpful than I can begin to explain. I am in such a completely different place than I was from my original post. I am still having intermittent feelings if hurt and confusion but I have become stronger for my experiences and been taking steps toward my future and living less in the past.

Since my original post my ABF has been released from jail. I received this information second hand.....he did not contact me. A few days later the cable was turned off that was in his name. It seemed pretty clear he must be finished w me. It was a nice twist to the knife that was already in my heart. The next night he showed up w the cops to pick up his things. My heart sunk but at least I was not living with the unknown anymore. We were civil and I helped him with his things as he told me he didn't wanna do this and he loved me and asked for a hug. There wasn't much more conversation he finished packing and left. It broke my heart but I accepted that it was really over and that was that.

The next day he called from work(he got his job back) and was hysterical crying. He didn't want to do that,he was ordered from my house by the judge, he loved me so much, he missed me and my kids, he was empty with out us, he couldn't believe he lost us, he had gotten my letter and kept it with him all the time .....blah. He said the pain had gotten great enough and he was sober and back in AA.

REALLY!!!! I have such mixed feelings. I have gotten 2 phone calls like this. He has no phone so contact is minimal but I am feeling more anger than anything. I feel like he is still trying to manipulate me. I could be wrong but his actions and words are not matching up.

He got my letter which stated I was sorry, I loved him, and I hoped he got better and came home....it was very clear. I know he was in jail but I had made sure he had $ on his books but he did not respond to me or make any attempt to get any kind of message to me good or bad. He loves n missed us so much but made no attempt to contact me to let me know he was out and ok. No calls before he turned our cable off or showed up w police. And now these heartfelt expressions of love. Is it me or does it not make any sense?

I continue to moveviewerd but I of course still love him. I am afraid he is still trying to manipulate me and if I see him will get sucked back into the insanity. But what does he have to gain? And why would he cause more damage and pain. So far I am staying strong abut I am so confused. Any thoughts?
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Old 11-11-2010, 06:31 PM
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I do see and hear the desperation in him and I recognize it so well.....I went through it while he was drinking and in jail. I am understanding to a fault at times which is why I no I ca not do this alone and need reminding of what I'm dealing with. I plan to continue to follow my head and not my heart. Not an easy task. My replies to him have been exactly what learning to live said. "Take care of yourself and stay sober" it is something good that can come of such a painful situation. And yes thank you for the reminders.....actions are what counts....the words are meaningless w out them. I wish I could turn it off and on so easily. I continue to move foward and care for me and my children.....we are still recoving from the wreckage of his relapse.....I need these reminders to stay strong and avoid the insanity at all costs
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Old 11-11-2010, 06:34 PM
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Keep coming here and posting how you're feeling and what you're going through. We are here.
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Old 11-12-2010, 09:41 AM
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today is a new day and my attitudes , ideas and behviors have much improved since visiting this forum last nigt....eveerything is of course not better and the pain and the heartache are stil there...but just for today i am beleiving the truth, not the lies and i am choosing happiness...if u are in pain and/or confused and afraid to post...dont be...just do it...take the chance..u will not regret it.
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Old 11-12-2010, 10:12 AM
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So glad you are feeling better today looking4hope! :ghug3
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