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Tell about your A's temper tantrums

Old 11-12-2010, 04:27 PM
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Thanks Beth. Maybe I need to go to rehab. Maybe there's a real nice one in the Caribbean where I can go for a month?

Yes, I think I have that paper but in the form of a magnet. It is a large magnet with 30 different faces on it ranging from "Exhausted" to "Overwhelmed" to "Shocked." It has a square magnetic picture frame that says "Today I Feel" on it and you're supposed to go through the list and put the picture frame around the face that has the feeling you feel. I like to think I have the full range of emotions on there. But sometimes I am convinced I only have two: Happy and Sad.
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Old 11-12-2010, 05:04 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Everyone has their own journey in their own time. You can't control it. Just like you can't control your alcoholic.

You can't make someone else do the steps of "recovery" as you think they should. That itself is codepenant! When you decide for someone what they should or shouldn't be doing and then are mad because they don't do what you think they should be doing - that is codependancy.

I guess my kvetch is, post a fun and silly thread about what you're doing for the Holidays to celebrate yourselves. Post a fun and silly thread about movies you enjoy. Don't stick a drunk in a cage and invite your friends around to poke 'em with a stick and call it healing, therapeutic, fun.. or light in humor. Who's that healthy for? That's all I'm sayin'.
Why? Because this is a support forum for friends and family of alcoholics. We can discuss those topics anywhere - I don't need to come here to talk about those things. We're here because it's supposed to be a safe place to vent and discuss issues pertaining to these problems.

No one here PURPOSEFULLY meant any harm. There are 6 billion people on planet earth and you think everyone is going to think and be just like you? Think just like you and deal with things just like you?

Everyone needs to remember that we are all here together, going through bad things together and remember to be kind to one another.
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Old 11-12-2010, 06:21 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Thanks BethYes, I think I have that paper but in the form of a magnet. It is a large magnet with 30 different faces on it ranging from "Exhausted" to "Overwhelmed" to "Shocked." It has a square magnetic picture frame that says "Today I Feel" on it and you're supposed to go through the list and put the picture frame around the face that has the feeling you feel. I like to think I have the full range of emotions on there. But sometimes I am convinced I only have two: Happy and Sad.
I need one of those "Today I Fee" magnet-things. I think I've been stuck on numb, anxious, ecstatic (maybe more like manic) and devastated (is that a feeling?), this year. I seem to be either idling in numb or full speed ahead in one of the other three. Maybe "Exhausted", too. (At the same time, I read through posts on SR and I get completely tied up in how the other posters are feeling, does that make sense - being stuck in 4 emotions and caught up in how others are feeling?....)


I completely need to get in touch with my own full range of emotions. And I would settle for a nice even keel, not flat, not numb, but well... not manic and not devastated. I think I'm getting closer - most days I'm getting closer to that.
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Old 11-12-2010, 06:31 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Yes, I need that magnet. because i was stuck on mad glad sad and one other (amazingly, i cannot remember it).
I have an excellent vocabulary and I am considered intelligent by all testable means, but if you ask me to describe how I felt when I saw my newborn child, or found out my husband was cheating, the words get stuck in my solar plexus.

And yes, the uncertainty, I do get caught up in other posters feelings, I think this is near my one year anniversary of joining this forum too.
Interesting if there is a connection there.
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Old 11-12-2010, 06:36 PM
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^^^^^^^^^

What goldengirl said.

Not everyone who finds this board is going to be immediately in that "serene" place in their recovery, where they are past the point of needing to point the finger at their exA. People come here in PAIN. They need to vent. And they have a right to take whatever road to their recovery that is right for them, in their own time. They also have a right to start threads that help them do this. If a thread is offensive, then take what YOU need and leave the rest! Or don't! But there is a good chance that someone else WILL find it helpful!

I think it is incredibly dismissive to a new member to finger- wag at them, and make them feel as if they are doing it all "wrong" if they start a thread that is about their need to vent, or point a finger, make fun of their alcoholic--WHATEVER. It is all about processing THEIR pain, and the start of finding THEIR true path to recovery---which is learning to put the focus back on THEMSELVES--and usually the more senior members here can help do that, by guiding, and the sharing of experience.

Who here really thinks that a person who has been so consumed by the madness of living with their alcoholic is just going to suddenly, magically KNOW how to take the focus off their A and put it on themselves? Show me one codie who automatically and immediately knew how to do that, after months, years, DECADES even of directing all their mental and emotional energy to someone else. I can assure you all, I was MUCH less than charitable about my ex when I first found my way to these boards! It was a process, a learning to focus on ME, to know that I was worthy of all the time and attention I had wasted on him. And I vented! Oh, you bet I did! And the folks here showed me kindly that my focus was on the wrong person--but they still respected my need to vent!

It just smacks of the codie need to control when someone is basically told "I think this is wrong, so stop it!". Wrong for whom, exactly? Wrong for the person wanting the OP to stop? Or wrong for the OP, who obviously saw a need within herself to start this thread in order to seek some validation from the folks on the friends and family forum? Who's trying to control whom here?

This really has triggered me, and I am P*SSED. Stepping away now!
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Old 11-12-2010, 07:22 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Very well said and very well written. Thanks Paintbaby.
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Old 11-12-2010, 07:42 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
. This is, in fact, a Friends and Family Al-Anon Board. While it is completely appropriate to let go, vent, and have people who understand and will listen without judgement, we are supposed to be very careful in how we offer advice (more like "suggest" and "consider," and less like "do this."). BTW, I don't see very much political correctness in Al-Anon meetings, or see how that's related to recovery in any way, and I go to two or more a week.

Cyranoak

P.s. I can be an ******* sometimes, so feel free to tell me when you think I'm manifesting my assholiness.

I'll take you up on that.
This is a Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, not an Al-anon forum. There are many forms of recovery, and Al-anon is only one of them. What works for you, doesn't necessarily works for other.

And what you wrote the other day:
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
You can, however, change you. Get to an Al-Anon meeting. Go to at least six different meetings before you decide if it is for you. If you don't do this it will be the worst decision of your life. I guarantee it.
Is also a little pretentious of you. There isn't really anyway you can guarantee that what worked for you will work for someone else.
I stopped going to Al-anon after 5 meetings, because it wasn't giving me anything. I really don't think it's the worst decision of my life, I'm doing pretty well without it, thank you.
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Old 11-12-2010, 08:03 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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this actually is an alanon forum..
as described above.

golden.. I know you can discuss movies and holidays elsewhere. I was giving exaples of "fun" and "silly" things to talk about. I'm not, fortunately, in a place where I view suicide threats, self destruction, or physical and emotional abuse as fun or silly. But then I do realize we are all at different places in our recovery.

and yes, a lot of 'alanons' are also alcoholics and addicts in recovery (they call us double winners. Yay.), so yes..theres people in addiction recovey here reading all the time. Yes, safe place to share experience, strength, hope..but I don't know of anywhere besides some really unhealthy therapy sessions full of resentments and bitterness where poking fun (theres tthat word again) at a group of people should be tolerated, much less encouraged.
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Old 11-12-2010, 08:10 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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I have found it very interesting lately that we've had a number of heated threads. I'm not sure what has brought it on, although I've been here long enough to recognize it as part of our ebb and flow.

I've said it a number of times - each of gets here at our own time, and each is at a different place in his or her journey. Honestly, I think it's really important for everyone to remember that we don't "know" the people on these forums (with few exceptions). We only know what they share here.

And, I'll remind everyone of our basic rules. In summary: Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean

If someone rubs you the wrong way, put that person on ignore

If you are seriously bothered, insulted, frightened etc by a thread please report it so the moderators can handle it.

Most importantly, try to remember what it was like whn you were new, first here, first coming to grips with the devastation you felt as you realized you had a loved one who was struggling with alcoholism or addiction, and you didn't know what to do.

When I was in that place, the LAST thing I needed was someone else - especially someone I barely knew - to sternly tell me what I needed to do or not do, what I was doing wrong, that I should leave him etc etc. I was in a dangerous situation, and that kind of actiion could have been deadly for me.

It's really best for all if we share our own experience, strength and hope. How WE feel, what we do, what worked for us, what didn't.

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Old 11-12-2010, 08:26 PM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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I forgot to add my PS.

PS - it's good medicine to laugh. I am one of those who looks for the humor in most situations. I remember when I was first here on SR, there were some late nights with other members. We would get to laughing about a silly situation and gads I would laugh until my sides hurt. And it was good therapy.
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Old 11-12-2010, 08:37 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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Let's all remember why we came here and get back to some good old-fashioned support!

And cake!
Okay, that is just me. And different colored hi-lighters.
yep.
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Old 11-12-2010, 09:52 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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Threatening suicide because someone won't make your dinner is pretty silly in my opinion.
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Old 11-13-2010, 06:27 AM
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Everyone needs to remember that we are all here together, going through bad things together and remember to be kind to one another.
Yes, goldengirl, you do.

When someone tells you that what you are doing is hurting them, you should STOP. When you do NOT STOP, and you continue to argue how right and justified you are, and what a loving and kind person you are despite pleas to the contrary, you are being ABUSIVE. And no amount of reasoning, strutting, or taking sides is going to make you RIGHT. Not here, and not in "real" life.

And Tally, I won't repeat what you said in your last post but you need to know that there are regular members of F&F whose children and other family members who have recently committed suicide. It may be funny to you, but it is NOT funny to them. Also, newcomers come here every week scared out of their minds because their alcoholic spouse or significant other is threatening to kill themselves, or has attempted to kill themselves. What you think is YOUR RIGHT to joke and make light of this issue because you need to vent, does NOT trump the person who is in crisis. You folks were told that others were having a problem with what you were doing but you want to continue to JUDGE and JUSTIFY. Does this sound at all like someone else you know?

You folks do not seem to understand something and that is this is a forum for MANY people, not just you. And when ANYONE here expresses that they are having a problem with how you are approaching something on the forum, it is in the best interest of the forum that you LISTEN.

There is no right or wrong person here, you do not know what is best for anyone else, and if you want to get along with others, it is best not to tell them what to do. If you knew how self-righteous you sound, you would think twice before posting about anything but YOU.
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Old 11-13-2010, 06:47 AM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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OMG Learn2Live. I apologized. You need to move on. Seriously. Focus on yourself.
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Old 11-13-2010, 06:48 AM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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When someone tells you that what you are doing is hurting them, you should STOP. When you do NOT STOP, and you continue to argue how right and justified you are, and what a loving and kind person you are despite pleas to the contrary, you are being ABUSIVE. And no amount of reasoning, strutting, or taking sides is going to make you RIGHT. Not here, and not in "real" life.
I did stop. I did not post any more fights or anything that my ex said or did. I said I was sorry. I tried to get the other to see my side and that I meant not harm. Move on and find something else for yourself to do. Really. Focus on yourself.
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Old 11-13-2010, 07:06 AM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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I'm the first person to make light and laugh at hard situations. Laughter has always gotten me through some really dark times. But I'm with Smacked on this one, there is nothing funny about this topic.
There is always TOO much A bashing on here. I would cringe to think about people in AA laughing about the SAME tantrum's codies have.

My ex had his moments, as did I, And even though he did some pretty hurtful things, I would never make light of his journey or his pain.
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Old 11-13-2010, 07:27 AM
  # 57 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post

And Tally, I won't repeat what you said in your last post but you need to know that there are regular members of F&F whose children and other family members who have recently committed suicide. It may be funny to you, but it is NOT funny to them. Also, newcomers come here every week scared out of their minds because their alcoholic spouse or significant other is threatening to kill themselves, or has attempted to kill themselves. What you think is YOUR RIGHT to joke and make light of this issue because you need to vent, does NOT trump the person who is in crisis. You folks were told that others were having a problem with what you were doing but you want to continue to JUDGE and JUSTIFY. Does this sound at all like someone else you know?


There is no right or wrong person here, you do not know what is best for anyone else, and if you want to get along with others, it is best not to tell them what to do. If you knew how self-righteous you sound, you would think twice before posting about anything but YOU.

Excuse ME?! Who the hell do you think you are talking down to?

Was I talking about ANYONE BUT ME? I made light OF MY OWN SITUATION, NOT anyone elses!!

How dare you twist something personal to me into a ball park comment about all alcoholics and all people! I would NEVER think suicide funny, I lost a family member last week to suicide.

The ASSUMPTIONS some people jump to on this forum. I feel like I'm being spoken to JUST the way my A used to speak to me when I didn't agree with something he said. Belittled.

What I said...and I'll say it again. My A threatened it because I wouldn't cook him dinner. That was funny to ME because it was emotional blackmail and him pulling out all the stops and was that ABSURD that it made me laugh.

I haven't told anyone else what to do and I get along fine with people here most days. Dunno how I'm sounding self-righteous (pot, kettle, black) by speaking about my own personal experience but YOU are free to take what you like and leave the rest, and you'll kindly NOT address me again.
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Old 11-13-2010, 07:30 AM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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This is the time when I would normally close a thread. The reasons we close a thread are varied but primarily when one has either run its course or it has gotten so far off course that it's no longer remotely connected to the OP's first post of the thread.

This thread started as a thread about laughter. About finding humor in our often unpleasant living arrangements.

Is suicide funny? Of course not
Is any kind of abuse funny? Of course not.

Here's what I will STRONGLY recommend:
(1) If you are triggered, if you can't find the humor right now? Walk away. There are a few thousand other threads here on a variety of forums that you can read or post on.
(2) Express your opinion and then be done.

#2 is where I struggle, because I've already expressed my opinion - as a Moderator - about this thread, yet the snipes and "he said she said how dare you say" continue.

Please feel free to PM me if you have a desire to chat more about this. I'll be around all day.

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Old 11-13-2010, 07:32 AM
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All, we are all posting together, and I think it's time to close now.

Please understand I am NOT making light of anyone's situation. I lived with abuse myself, and was lucky enough to get out alive. I lived through S.W.A.T surrounding my house. Trust me, I understand.

I recommend that everyone who's frustrated right now take a walk, cool off, find something that nurtures your soul and your spirit, find your inner peaceful place.
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