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Tell about your A's temper tantrums

Old 11-12-2010, 12:43 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Indeed you should be. Naive's got mad skills.
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Old 11-12-2010, 12:45 PM
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Originally Posted by brokenheartfool View Post
It's simple venting. Although it may not be a perfect behavior, I don't think a little venting and story telling of the lighter side of relationship errors is reason to get upset.
I think anything violent, extremely hurtful emotionally, or tragic doesn't belong on a venting thread.
Excuse me? You may invalidate my feelings in your mind, but I can assure you my feelings are valid, and therefore I expressed them.

Perhaps this is a game to you.

Alcoholism is a deadly disease. It can and does kill, and that isn't limited to just the one who is doing the drinking.

Thousands of women die each year at the hands of the alcoholic and from stress-related diseases from living with active alcoholism in the home. Stress is called the silent killer.

I'll take your flippant comments as sheer ignorance from someone who hasn't descended nearly as deeply as some of us have and lived to tell about it.

Be glad you haven't.

I won't ever apologize for sharing the depths of pain from whence I came, on this forum, or anywhere else.
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Old 11-12-2010, 12:53 PM
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my ex used to give it all the 'i can kill anyone' line and even named a few people that we both new who was next in line!! so as you can imagine when we bumped in to these people when he was sober it was hilarious for me to watch him squirm like a little worm!!

Not such a big hard man after all!!
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Old 11-12-2010, 01:13 PM
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********************************************:discu ss************************

I, too, often feel the hostile that people post. You really are NOT obligated to post on a thread if you find it offensive. I wonder if there is a full moon that is influencing some of the posts.

Laughter is the best medicine. (And God knows I find no humor in a lot of our daily lifes living with an alcoholic!) We’ve heard the expression time and again. For decades, researchers have explored how humor helps patients relieve stress and heal. Sometimes we need to step back from all our stress and anxieties and learn............

Life is a gift, accept it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is a mystery, unfold it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a struggle, face it.
Life is beauty, praise it.
Life is a puzzle, solve it.
Life is opportunity, take it.
Life is sorrowful, experience it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a goal, achieve it.
Life is a mission, fulfill it.
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Old 11-12-2010, 01:45 PM
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Laughter is the best medicine.
I started this thread. It was in no way intended to offend anyone...of course. Most of us do not intentionally want to offend others.

I'm sorry for anyone that felt that way, was certainly not my intention nor to be insensitive.

I went through EXTREME pain from some of his tantrums. They were horrible, degrading, and I felt emotionally shredded. I was run into a wall one year...on Valentine's day. I am very sorry for anyone that experience severe physical abuse - I can understand that that would not be something anyone could laugh about.

I guess for me, I tend to deal with some of my pain by laughing at it.
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Old 11-12-2010, 02:02 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I know if I hadn't of taken a step back and laughed at some of my exA's more "eccentric" behaviour I would have been even more crazy than I was. I used to stop and laugh at myself too. I'd be hooked in good and proper to his rant, screaming like a banshee, arms up in the air, crying, wailing...was that funny? No, of course it wasn't, but looking back I giggle because it was just that absurd. I'd stop mid wail, realise what I was doing and roar laughing...cos I was nuts, just like he said I was!

Why else it makes me laugh is because I actually put up with behaviour like that...

That's the word...absurd behaviour.

Both myself and the A displayed it and so looking back or stepping back from it, yes it is funny to me because it was that absurd and I got involved, screamed and cried and played the game, just like he wanted me to.

Absurd behaviour can be funny. Not "funny haha" per say but funny ludicrous...where sometimes all you can do is throw your hands up and laugh.

I'm not laughing at other peoples pain and saying that what people have been through is funny or minimising it in any way, BUT some of the behaviours my A and myself displayed during his active addiction where so absurd and ludicrous, they were funny.

All threads can have triggers but if we can't, on the friends and family board, share stories regarding our tantrums or behaviours we found so absurd we laughed, then where do we discuss these things?

It seems lately, as soon as someone is triggered by a thread it is censored and shut down. There have been many, many threads similar to this one posted in the past and nothing was said on those...see examples below. Lots of eggshells on the f&f forum recently.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oasis-all.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ber-laugh.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...but-funny.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ood-thing.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...h-tonight.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...laugh-one.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ood-laugh.html
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Old 11-12-2010, 02:15 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Yes, Tally, I agree, we all need humor in our lives. I am the FIRST person to laugh at myself and often make too light of situations. Thank you for taking the time to look for those threads. But please take a closer look at them and you will notice that those threads are people SHARING about themselves and their lives and what they are going through and making light of THAT. This thread is different.
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Old 11-12-2010, 02:32 PM
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The posts in this thread are people sharing some of the crazy, ludicrous and funny things their A has done, same as some of the stuff in the other threads.

I could start quoting but there's no point. Read some of those posts and read some in this thread, it's just people sharing funny things their A's did whilst drunk.
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Old 11-12-2010, 03:02 PM
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After I came back home from suffering a massive stroke in DEC 2009, I begged my dry drunk husband to help me. When I came home the only member of my family I could rely upon was my 35 year old son. I received more care and compassion from my three border collies than I did from my husband. At one of my doctor's appointment that my DDH had taken me to, this issue came up.

Now, GET THIS!
My DDH's explanation was he just kept hoping for me to get better! HUH!? (I needed to get better before my DDH was willing to help me around the house.)

I guess I have come to realize I need to leave my current situation and start over again. Under normal conditions a normal place to reach out for support is our siblings. However, in my situation that would be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. I could only visit my sister who is six years older than me, but the only sister I feel close to, for a couple hours at a time at the most. She lives in Iowa and I live in San Antonio. She needs help which she refuses. I called her up yesterday just to talk to her. After we talked and we hung up, she called me back because she thought she just saw me in her home town.

Yes, I have to laugh at things for my own health and well being! I thought the F&F Forum was where we codependents could discuss what helps us make it one day at a time! I didn't realize we needed to be politically correct here.

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Old 11-12-2010, 03:24 PM
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You are right...

...this is a place where we discuss what helps us make it one day at a time. You don't need to be politically correct here, but you do need a thicker skin for when you hear things you don't want to hear, or for when people call you on things you say and post that are inconsistant with 12-Step recovery.

You are new here, it is crystal clear that you are new in recovery as well, and you might consider just reading for awhile before posting again. And, when you do post, try posting about yourself and your recovery, not your husband. Your thoughts, your feelings, your motivations, and your passive-aggressive somewhat argumentative "poor me" lines you include in many of your posts (and, literally, I've read them all). Specifically, lines like this: "I thought the F&F Forum was where we codependents could discuss what helps us make it one day at a time! I didn't realize we needed to be politically correct here."

We are welcoming here, we do care, and many of us have years of experience and recovery related directly to situations like yours. None of us are the first, and sadly none of us will be the last. We will, however, police each other by calling each other on our BS. It is part of our recovery.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

P.s. I titled this "You are right" because I knew if I did you would read it. How did I know that? Because I'm very much like you, and I've lived a situation very much like yours. Please read more and post less for awhile. I think you'll like the result.


Originally Posted by acdirito View Post
Yes, I have to laugh at things for my own health and well being! I thought the F&F Forum was where we codependents could discuss what helps us make it one day at a time! I didn't realize we needed to be politically correct here.
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Old 11-12-2010, 03:40 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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smacked-

i hear you. please forgive me. it is part of our sickness, this need to obsess about the alcoholic. for myself, i would actually take pleasure in joining in and itemizing his tantrums. it is because i feel so used and manipulated, that i can rationalize striking out in such an unhealthy way.

you were right to call us on it. i'm glad you're here and i always appreciate your perspective.

navie
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Old 11-12-2010, 03:41 PM
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I don't think acdirito needs to post less at all. The whole thing about new members coming here and finding a place such as this is that they finally have somewhere to let go, vent, have people who understand and will listen without judgement and offer advice and ESH.

Read more by all means but don't post less. It's only through posting and getting feedback that you learn what it's all about. There are many stages to recovery and no one, at whatever stage they're at, should be told to post less, imho.

New members don't always get it right, nor do older members who have thousands of posts.

I thought this was an F&F board, not a 12 steps board and I agree with the "politically correct" statement. I didn't think we had to worry about that here either.

If I were acdirito I would find your "poor me" comment offensive.
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Old 11-12-2010, 03:46 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Tally View Post
I thought this was an F&F board, not a 12 steps board
If you go back to the main page for all the forums on SR, you will see a description of each forum under the link for it.

For this forum, it reads:
12 step based recovery forum-(Al Anon)- for families, relatives, and friends whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. If someone close to you, such as a family member, friend, co-worker, or neighbor, has or has had a drinking problem you'll find support here.
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Old 11-12-2010, 04:19 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Fair enough Tally...

...and we certainly don't need to agree with each other. My point about posting less (which was a suggestion and not a direction) is that sometimes there is often more to be learned by listening, and when I am thinking about what I'm going to say next I'm not listening. She may or may not be doing that, but that's what I was trying to say. In retrospect I agree with you I should not have suggested she post less. Thanks for calling me on that. My apologies.

There is a board for new people, and this isn't it. It's the Newcomers Board. This is, in fact, a Friends and Family Al-Anon Board. While it is completely appropriate to let go, vent, and have people who understand and will listen without judgement, we are supposed to be very careful in how we offer advice (more like "suggest" and "consider," and less like "do this."). BTW, I don't see very much political correctness in Al-Anon meetings, or see how that's related to recovery in any way, and I go to two or more a week.

You are also correct that older members don't always know or have the answers. I agree 100 percent. I'm sharing my view as I see it, and trying to share experience, strength, and hope.

As to the "Poor me" comment and my implication that she is focused on him and his behavior, rather than on her and her recovery, I stand behind it. I don't like it when people call me on my stuff either, but I'm sure glad they do. I'm not here so others can reinforce my opinions, I'm here so they'll respond to them just like you did. That's how I learn. That said, it is clear that you also were offended by it, so to both of you I extend my apologies. Being offensive was not my intent at all.

Lastly, it's one thing to be politically correct, and it's another to indict another group of people altogether. While there are most certainly many grey areas around recovery and what is right and wrong, in my opinion the sociopath post was a little beyond the pale. There are many, many alcoholics who are very anti-Al-Anon, and comments like that are a big part of the reason (as is the fact that we teach their enablers to not enable).

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

P.s. I can be an ******* sometimes, so feel free to tell me when you think I'm manifesting my assholiness.

Originally Posted by Tally View Post
I don't think acdirito needs to post less at all. The whole thing about new members coming here and finding a place such as this is that they finally have somewhere to let go, vent, have people who understand and will listen without judgement and offer advice and ESH.

Read more by all means but don't post less. It's only through posting and getting feedback that you learn what it's all about. There are many stages to recovery and no one, at whatever stage they're at, should be told to post less, imho.

New members don't always get it right, nor do older members who have thousands of posts.

I thought this was an F&F board, not a 12 steps board and I agree with the "politically correct" statement. I didn't think we had to worry about that here either.

If I were acdirito I would find your "poor me" comment offensive.
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Old 11-12-2010, 04:28 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Well since I started this debacle apparently, I feel I should comment on the turn it took.

Honestly, I think what was somewhat offensive is that it was referred to as a "fun" thread, about "silly" things those darn drunks do that are absurd/funny/weird/crazy/scary/bizarre (etc).

I reacted to the "fun" and "silly" thing.. and I reacted to the 'lets all sit and talk about them' vibe. I don't apologize for that, I don't think I am oversensitive. Course that's my own opinion lol..

I'm a double (triple and quadruple) 'winner' here. I'm equally as grumbly when I see threads in the alcoholism or drug addiction pages referencing "whats some crazy stuff you did when you were drunk/high". Imagine a thread over "there", asking for fun suggestions and tales about how they (we) deceived, ruined, tortured, toyed with, cheated on and emotionally raped their counterpart enablers/codependents. Those silly things they (we) do. Silly silly. I get it, I do..I promise. I get all sides of this crazy train.

I guess my kvetch is, post a fun and silly thread about what you're doing for the Holidays to celebrate yourselves. Post a fun and silly thread about movies you enjoy. Don't stick a drunk in a cage and invite your friends around to poke 'em with a stick and call it healing, therapeutic, fun.. or light in humor. Who's that healthy for? That's all I'm sayin'.
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Old 11-12-2010, 04:35 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
If you go back to the main page for all the forums on SR, you will see a description of each forum under the link for it.

For this forum, it reads:
12 step based recovery forum-(Al Anon)- for families, relatives, and friends whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. If someone close to you, such as a family member, friend, co-worker, or neighbor, has or has had a drinking problem you'll find support here.
Apologies Freedom. I come here directly to the F&F, don't see the main board much. I stand corrected. I still feel that the forum has become overly PC lately though, just my opinion.

Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
...and we certainly don't need to agree with each other. My point about posting less (which was a suggestion and not a direction) is that sometimes there is often more to be learned by listening, and when I am thinking about what I'm going to say next I'm not listening. She may or may not be doing that, but that's what I was trying to say. In retrospect I agree with you I should not have suggested she post less. Thanks for calling me on that. My apologies.

There is a board for new people, and this isn't it. It's the Newcomers Board. This is, in fact, a Friends and Family Al-Anon Board. While it is completely appropriate to let go, vent, and have people who understand and will listen without judgement, we are supposed to be very careful in how we offer advice (more like "suggest" and "consider," and less like "do this."). BTW, I don't see very much political correctness in Al-Anon meetings, or see how that's related to recovery in any way, and I go to two or more a week.

You are also correct that older members don't always know or have the answers. I agree 100 percent. I'm sharing my view as I see it, and trying to share experience, strength, and hope.

As to the "Poor me" comment and my implication that she is focused on him and his behavior, rather than on her and her recovery, I stand behind it. I don't like it when people call me on my stuff either, but I'm sure glad they do. I'm not here so others can reinforce my opinions, I'm here so they'll respond to them just like you did. That's how I learn. That said, it is clear that you also were offended by it, so to both of you I extend my apologies. Being offensive was not my intent at all.

Lastly, it's one thing to be politically correct, and it's another to indict another group of people altogether. While there are most certainly many grey areas around recovery and what is right and wrong, in my opinion the sociopath post was a little beyond the pale. There are many, many alcoholics who are very anti-Al-Anon, and comments like that are a big part of the reason (as is the fact that we teach their enablers to not enable).

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

P.s. I can be an ******* sometimes, so feel free to tell me when you think I'm manifesting my assholiness.

I'm not disagreeing that she's focusing on him and the "poor me" comment. I'm saying that when new members first start posting it is all about the A because that's how we've learnt to deal with it, it's all about them, what they did, how they make us feel and it's only by sticking around and posting and reading that we learn to shift the focus from them and onto us and our recovery.

I thought the "poor me" comment a little harsh, simply because it was directed towards a new member who is still in that stage where the focus hasn't shifted and they need to vent and have people who understand and who get it. If it were directed at me I would have been offended because I feel it's maybe a bit too straight talking for me, I prefer the softly, softly approach, but no need to apologise to me. x


Smacked, yeah I agree when you look at it like that, I can see where the offence comes from. I took it more as a share stories thread rather than poke fun but apologies if I offended you or anyone else.
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Old 11-12-2010, 04:42 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Excuse me? You may invalidate my feelings in your mind, but I can assure you my feelings are valid, and therefore I expressed them.

Perhaps this is a game to you.

Alcoholism is a deadly disease. It can and does kill, and that isn't limited to just the one who is doing the drinking.

Thousands of women die each year at the hands of the alcoholic and from stress-related diseases from living with active alcoholism in the home. Stress is called the silent killer.

I'll take your flippant comments as sheer ignorance from someone who hasn't descended nearly as deeply as some of us have and lived to tell about it.

Be glad you haven't.

I won't ever apologize for sharing the depths of pain from whence I came, on this forum, or anywhere else.
I haven't invalidated your feelings. I haven't responded to them at all, until now, when I will.
I am sorry you were so abused. My A did not abuse me physically,however did threaten my life.
However I was beaten often as a child by my father who didn't even drink.

So please don't call me flippant, or that I have invalidated anyone's feelings. I don't deserve that.
I am working the steps, and a great part of that is letting go of my anger, and it's working.
A part of that is yes, finding some humor in what used to scare me and anger me to no end. It feels good to let go of my anger, and I have lost my victim mentality that I carried around like a badge for so many years.

You will also notice that my contribution to this thread was to talk about MY temper tantrums.

I do agree that the thread has lost purpose though. I was pm'd by an AA member who agreed with some things I said. However it also brought to my attention that both alanon and AA people read this thread. I think therefore, we should be careful that it doesn't become an "us" vs. "them" type of forum. I wouldn't like that kind of hostile division at all.
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Old 11-12-2010, 04:53 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Cyranoak I will take your post seriously. This will be the last you will hear from me! What started out as something that was meant to be healing for me has turned negative. However, I think you ARE the one that needs to work your steps in recovery! You're posting with "stinking thinking". Something I don't need in my life any more.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr
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Old 11-12-2010, 05:05 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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I finally found a thread for my favorite smiley! It is exactly what Smacked describes above:



I sure hope Transformy gets on here and sees this.

I am glad we are having this conversation because it is helping me to get in touch with some part of myself that has been heretofore alien to me. I can't put it into words but I know there is something here that triggered me and that there is something left for me to learn. I think maybe the way I felt when I read the original post, and the reason I stayed away, was because I felt like the blue guy in the smiley.

The way cryanoak put it:
to indict another group of people altogether
somehow made sense to me.

I really don't know and I wish someone would tell me.

I have never much cared what other people thought of me. I've always just done what I wanted to do and if someone else didn't like it, too bad. Except for people like my Mom or people I was in a "romantic" relationship with. I wonder if that is a leftover from my drinking days? But for the most part, if someone said something mean about me I think I didn't care. But when this thread was started it bothered me. And it wasn't until Smacked said something that something changed for me. I think it was that once Smacked said something, I realized that I even gave a damn that someone was making fun of me.

Can this be? Can someone really be this detached from their own feelings? Good lord, I am a mess.
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Old 11-12-2010, 05:20 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Can this be? Can someone really be this detached from their own feelings? Good lord, I am a mess.
Oh yes, I have been this detached from my feelings. While in rehab, we had a printout with cartoon pictures of a face showing different emotions, with a caption underneath.
I had to use that printout many times to put words to it, or even identify it.

I figured if I didnt feel anything, then I could not be hurt. But, that didnt work.
So, here I am.
I have been the poker and the pokee in the above smiley.
Maybe when I am both at the same time, I am comfortable with that.

Beth

If you understand this at all, please let me know.
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